FI's parents are refusing to cooperate with wedding plans (and aren't even paying!)

jessicarabbit501 · December 2009

FI and I are having a 1:30-2 pm ceremony and then heavy hors d' ouevres and cocktails from 2pm - 4pm for our July 23, 2010 wedding taking place on a rooftop overlookng the lake and the city. Tres chic!

We don't want a long, full, traditional reception and we really just want to get married and be done with the day. FI's parents HATE our idea. They don't like that it's not formal, they don't like that it's short, they don't like that we don't want to sit down and have a traditional meal with everyone (we have 200 invited guests), they don't like that we dont want to have a 6 hour reception with dancing, they dont like that we're hving cupcakes instead of a cake and they don't like that we aren't having it at a more traditional location. To go even further, they don't like that we aren't having a registry, and they don't like that FI and I aren't super excited about wedding planning. We told them our plans 2 nights ago and they said they'd rather us not invite any of FI's family members to the wedding bc they'd be embarassed to have thier family members come to something "like that" or that we should elope rather than "having a wedding that no one will want to come to because it isn't traditional enough." FI and I wanted a small, intimate wedding from the beginning and no reception at all but made concessions for FI's parents bc we wanted to be considerate of them and their expectations. Did I mention that these people aren't paying for anything?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

I feel like FI's parents are not only being rude but that they've really crossed the line. Is there any ladylike way to say tough s*!*t we're doing things our way? Should I never have conceded to their demands in the first place? Help me, knotties!

danieliza1127 · December 2009

Well I think the thing to do is just continue with your plans and invite who you and your FI want to invite. Let him decide who to invite from his side of the family. If he chooses to invite just his parents, siblings, and family members he's close to and not invite extended family or parent's friends, so be it. If his parents aren't paying, they have no say in your wedding. You and your FI just need to be on the same page and present a united front. Stop telling his parents about your plans, just take care of the guest list and getting addresses on your own and keep moving forward.

psichick · December 2009

ditto to the pp.

if you're paying, it's your decision. just don't tell them what the plans are and just let them show up (or not), it's their call. if they are going to be that concerned with appearances and what people think then maybe it's better they're not there (although that would suck).

duckie1905 · December 2009

If they aren't paying then they don't get to make any decisions. Let your FI run interference on this, stop discussing plans with them, and if they don't want to invite any of their family (or attend themselves) then their loss.

Lasairiona · December 2009

Your wedding, your decision. If they don't like it, they don't have to attend. In the end, it only makes them look bad by being bitter. Honestly though, no matter what you do, there will be someone you can't please and you will drive yourself crazy trying and you'll have your own regrets for not doing what matters most to both of you. As long as your guests are treated respectfully, that's basically all you can do.

While you won't be able to change their opinions, the first thing you should do is to not discuss wedding plans with them anymore. Change the subject politely when it does come up. Tell your fiance to do the same when he is confronted.

MyNameIsNot · December 2009

What do you want them to cooperate with? It's your money, just plan it how you want it. When they make comments, change the subject.

psu2002 · December 2009

Don't tell them what your doing. Just let them show up. You have a long time before you get married and this may just be the beginning of their unwanted opinions. If they don't want to invite their family then that saves you $$$$

Good luck - remember its your day and you only do it once so do it your way!!!!

skippylouwho · December 2009

They also don't get to tell you who you can invite from their side. Your FI decides and the two of you send the invitation. If people want to come, they will.

Miss Biscuit · December 2009

Honestly, all these "well, it's your day so if they don't like it, touch s*** they don't have to come," comments are getting me down.

Yes it's your day and yes you and your fiance should do things the way you want, but it's also heartbreaking when your future family doesn't want to play nice.

I don't know what your fiance's level of involvement is in talking with his parents. He should be the one communicating with them- not you. Continuing to disagree with them will only lead to more hurt feelings on both sides, so if you're talking with them about planning, just stop and let your fiance take over.

You should go ahead and invite who you want- let his family make the call on their own if they think your event is too "non-traditional" to attend.

When the day of the wedding approaches, I think everyone will play nice; it's in the best interest of everyone involved. Your guests on both sides will have a fantastic time- enjoying their hors d' ouevres, cocktails and the view.

gingern · December 2009

That is ridiculous...

I think your wedding plans sound fun and fabulous!

Pirata13 · December 2009

I think your plans sound fun! And while it may not be "traditional", it sounds perfectly lovely. I agree with going forward with your planning as is and not talking about it with them anymore. See how things go, maybe they will change their tune. Otherwise, invite who you want and let your guests make the decision of whether they attend or not. Good luck.

Sheri Ruth · January 2010

Sometimes it is hard for people to imagine something other than what they have known before. Add to it the anxiety of adding a family member to their circle permanently (even if you have lived together or been together a long time this can be jolting) and it is a recipe for overreactions all the way around.

Your wedding will be lovely. It is not all that a-traditional, but since his family has likely never been to one like it, they don't know anything else.

It will be fantastic. We had the same kind of thing - 50 attendees, heavy finger foods buffet, music from an iPod, no dancing, very sophisticated and elegant and guess what? Everyone said how sophisticated, elegant and magical it was. Just stop discussing it with them, stay pleasant and go back to acting "normal" other than as the date gets closer to maybe help FMIL pick out a dress. If they ask questions, smile like you are happy and at peace and tell them it is all going to be a wonderful surprise and they don't have to do a thing.

Hang in there. Sometimes it takes time for family to around. Your wedding is going to be lovely.

rlyttle · January 2010

My ILs did the same thing with our honeymoon. They totally disagreed and didn't approve. I politely said, "Well since we are paying for it, I don't think you get to chose where we go

" Soon after my mother in law said they would pay for us to go somewhere else. Problem solved!!

I would politely tell them that this is your idea of a great wedding and you are the ones that will be inviting family, not them. Sometimes you just have to put your foot down, with a smile!!

I would suggest a longer receptiont though. It just goes by so fast and 2 hours would be a blink of an eye!! I would consider making it longer, for you guys, not your ILs!!! Maybe you could suggest them paying for the extra time!

flutgrl1 · January 2010

I hate attending traditional weddings. I love your wedding. Can I come?

Honestly....is your FI ok with his fam? are there other issues? Counseling for you or just him etc might be good. Because this seems most likely to be small sign of a larger problem.

cellarius · January 2010

well personally i would just say tough $hit lol it's your wedding not theirs. they're ont even paying & they sound totally nuts. just continue with your plans as they are & you want them. personally i think if there's no reception extending the cocktail time till 5 would kinda make a big difference.. & seem like more of an event/celebration but that's just me. invite his family anyway. if they don't come it's on them. tell them the things you're doing aren't out of the ordinary, they're pretty common now. i highly doubt they'll all care

weddingbells2010 · January 2010

I completely understand what you're going through. Neither of our parents are paying for the wedding, but each set is making a small contribution in some way (my parents bought my dress, for example, and his offered to buy our airline tickets for the honeymoon). They both believe, though, that as our parents they still get a say in everything from the guest list to the food to the underwear I wear that day (exaggerating). To some extent, I agree that they do. The wedding is between my fiance and I, but is a merging of two families. Especially because I am the only daughter, I want this to be a great experience for us AND them.

We've taken the "Need to know" approach- we fill in our parents on a "need to know" basis. I also find little ways to make everyone feel like they've made some sort of important decision in the wedding planning process (my mom picked out the flower girl dress, for example). Outside of that, my fiance and I make the decisions. Whoever isn't happy (and let's face it, there will always be someone who isn't happy) doesn't have to come! But of course, as parents we hope they will

Delightfulwoman20 · January 2010

FIRST I THINK THE BOTH OF YOU SHOULD SIT DOWN WITH THEM AGAIN AND LET THEM KNOW THAT ITS WHAT YOU BOTH WANT AND NOT THEM.AND THAT THERE GOING TO LET APPEARENCE GET IN THE WAY OF THEM ATTENDING THEIR SONS WEDDING??THATS NOT FAMILY LIKE....AND IF THEY STILL DONT CHANGE THEIR MINDS THEN JSUT TELL THEM IM SORRY THAT WE CANT BE A FAMILY AND CELEBRATE THIS WONDERFUL TIME TOGETHER...

Jesster153 · January 2010

I hear ya sister....I feel like half of what we've been planning my FMIL doesn't like. (she doesn't always say it, but she makes faces that pretty much tells how she feels)

Of course you want them to be there (or you'll regret that) but sit down with them and your fiance and explain that your decisions are not personal attacks on them and you're not trying to offend anyone- but this is YOUR day and that it's about the 2 of you starting your life together, not about some giant party. If you want a small not a big deal wedding, then that's your choice. Explain that you want them there and your FI family and that if people love you, they won't care how big or small the wedding is, they will just be happy to be there to help you celebrate. Everyone gets a chance at their own wedding, so she had hers and now it's your turn.

My FMIL is constantly trying to turn my wedding into this big deal circus (bc thats what her friends do, they all compete with each other) but I'm a simple person and I don't want that, so eventually you just have to stand your ground so that you're not miserable on your day. Many people have told me and I'm finally starting to get it--you are never going to please everyone with your decisions, so in the end whatever makes you and your future hubby, that is what you should do. They may be mad for a bit, but eventually they will come around!

Good Luck!

gionnetto · January 2010

Try to find a way to understand them.... is your FI their only child? They probably had other dreams for him. You are right, it is your wedding and it should be done your way. But if they dont like it be understanding and dont force them to take a part in it. You dont have any more right to push them to do what they are uncomfortable doing than they have pushing you to change your venue and style.
Personally I too choose an intimate wedding (only 50 guests), but an intimate wedding doesnt imply it is not formal.... to tell you the truth 200 guests for a wedding that short and informal are too many IMHO.

AlmostMrs.Munoz · January 2010

So first... Hey matching date knottie! I'm July 23rd too!! Seems like it is just creeping up so much faster than I realized!

Second, I would just stop including them in the planning. Although they might be offended by your ideas, which I think is more than slightly obsurd, it's best to just not seek their approval (which I know can be hard). I would just politely talk to them with your FI and let them know simply "this is what we want, we would love for you to be involved, but if that's not something you can do respectfully then here is your invitation, we will hopefully see you there."

GOOD LUCK!!

shiri23 · January 2010

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this...I'm dealing with something similar. I don't have an open relationship with either of his parents - his mom in particular so I'm leaving it up to my fiance to handle it with his mom since she's the one being vocal...i think his dad could care less. its still frustrating since just like you, they are not paying for anything and are saying more than anyone else, but we've pretty much resorted to not sharing any plans with them. i don't know what your relationship with them is like, but if it is possible to not share info with them, that may be the best way to not have to deal with input you just don't want to hear. good luck.

themidge · January 2010

tell them that for 200 guests, you just can't afford a full meal but that if they want it that badly, they are more than welcome to pay for it.

FI's parents are refusing to cooperate with wedding plans (and aren't even paying!)

Re: FI's parents are refusing to cooperate with wedding plans (and aren't even paying!)

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