Community› Wedding Discussion Boards› Wedding Woes
Wedding Woes
New Discussion
Options

FMIL...love her, but......

KirstenAleciaKirstenAlecia member
First Comment
in Wedding Woes
I have to say first and foremost I LOVE LOVE LOVE my FMIL. I am lucky to have such a sweet, and caring amazing FH and it is all due to this amazing woman.

 I tell her about wedding plans and she likes a lot of my ideas and is quite impressed that we have it all "planned out."  She is a very thrifty and frugal person. She gets this from raising 3 kids on her own for quite ahile. This is a wonderful thing. I get great ideas from her on how to save money on all kinds of things.

 Now, I think I have done  a decent job on finding creative ways to save $$. It seems like Im managing to do this 200 guest list wedding on around $10,000...ok a tad bit more :)  There are a few things than I am splurging on. It's about deciding what is really important right? My priotities are: Dress, Photographer, Dance Floor (I want a black and white checkered floor)
Im very lucky to know people I know who are helping. For instance, My wedding DJ $0...he and his wife are  two of my best friends and his wife is in the wedding party.  Stuff like that that makes it possible for me to have this beautiful wedding on this budget. FMIL about fainted when we told her what our budget was.
When I showed her my dress  ($1100  Maggie Sottero) She said "Very very beautiful......now find something similiar for less!" 

There is no drama yet. But I get the feeling she really wants us to try and save more money. She always tells us what she spent on her wedding, but Im not sure that she realizes that the cost of everything has gone up in 27 years. I dont wanna not tell her stuff when she asks. I guess Im trying to decide how to show her that we are doing the best we can so she stops stressing over it. I really dont want her stressing. I know she just wants us not to be strapped for $$ at the end of this :)

I know it's not a "problem" but it comes up a lot and we have a year to go.




Report Reply to Post

Re: FMIL...love her, but......

  • Options
    drjewelldrjewell
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I know you really love her and that is wonderful but because of her struggles she can't imagine spending that much money because she doesn't want you to struggle.  I'm sure you undestand this and I don't normally advise dishonesty but in this case you need to lie for her sake and NEVER EVER EVEN 25 YEARS LATER NEVER TELL YOU LIED and don't tell anyone else that you're lieing just in case it slips many years later this will only hurt her.  Tell her you took back the dress and about a month later say you found the same dress on ebay for half the price.  Same on other things as well.  If you are a completely honest person and can not imagine lieing I don't know what to tell you.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    Don't lie.  Simply don't discuss the cost of things with her.  If she brings it up, change the subject or simply listen to her opinion and smile and nod. 
    �
    Report Reply
  • Options
    KirstenAleciaKirstenAlecia member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Hmmmm, I cant lie to her. I was was thinking about kinda showing her how much stuff costs and telling her that if she wants to help me comparison shop for things that we have planned that she will understand. I think it cold go wither way though...she will understand how things are more expensive NOW, or the invitation to help may backfire when she finds something slightly cheaper but it ends up not being what I have in mind or want.

    Not sure what to do.  I did the smile and nod thing with the dress subject and just told her I would look around more for something similiar or even a gently used one (which I did with no luck)

    Its gonna be interesting!
    Report Reply
  • Options
    drjewelldrjewell
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    she stated she ask's her things so I'm assuming this includes cost but she does not want to feel put down or pressured every time she mentions how much things cost and when someone ask you point blank you can say you prefer not to discuss but obviously that is not the kind of relationship she has with her future MIL and to say something like that would probably offend her.  She does not have to lie but there are no perfect people and if it keeps down the drama I say go for it.  But to each it's own.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    KirstenAleciaKirstenAlecia member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    drjewell: You are right about the fact that she asks me questions....including costs. She asks becuase its a concern of hers. I see that you get that.

     I know its gonna be a toughy throughout the year.


    Report Reply
  • Options
    TheDuckisTheDuckis member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Why does she need to know how much everything costs? Just say you'd rather not discuss it. If it's not her money it's none of her business.
    photo DSC_2244copy.jpg
    Crap...I Mean Crafts
    Report Reply
  • Options
    6fsn6fsn member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Don't lie.  That has to be the worst idea ever.  If she point blank asks cost just tell her "it's covered."  Repeat as necessary.  I have a feeling this won't end with wedding stuff.  Next will be house, furniture, cars, etc.  Just get in the habit now.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    Butter CookieButter Cookie member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Definitely don't lie to her, but you don't have to tell her everything. Change the subject, ask her about her wedding, anything.
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
    Report Reply
  • Options
    *tinkertoy**tinkertoy* member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_fmillove-her-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:7c485de9-4681-4aad-9654-363faaedf86aPost:77dd9bc7-3f5b-4256-b3f0-284719265458">Re: FMIL...love her, but......</a>:
    [QUOTE]Why does she need to know how much everything costs? Just say you'd rather not discuss it. If it's not her money it's none of her business.
    Posted by TheDuckis[/QUOTE]

    THIS!
    Report Reply
  • Options
    baconsmombaconsmom member
    5 Love Its First Answer First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Although, I have to wonder if MIL isn't stressing the costs of things because she knows your priorities are all fcked up. Perhaps she's hoping you'll change them to "Guests' comfort, guests' entertainment, my own vanity" instead of the other way around. 

    Perhaps she's concerned that you're not being a gracious hostess, and this is her way of hinting about that. 
    image
    Report Reply
  • Options
    KirstenAleciaKirstenAlecia member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thank you ladies. I think I am definetly going to find a way to gently tell her "its covered" as well as change the subjuct AND ask her about her wedding. Thanks girls, I can do this I think. Good ideas.
    6fsn: You are right about the fact that it wont stop at the wedding, It will probaby continue in to other areas. Gonna have to learn  to deal.
    I just have o be nice in the way I say what I say to her. She would just wilt like a flower if it was in any way....whats the word Im looking for. Rough,  I guess.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    tesskerrtesskerr member
    First Anniversary Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    It WILL continue in other areas! my Mum freaked when she found out my kitten was $350 (half Manx half Persian - most bestest kitten ever!). When she stays over, and I say I need to do a grocery shop - she tells me my fridge looks like it does AFTER she has done her shop. It's hard when people have really had to struggle with money and make a little stretch a long way. When I thought about it from my Mums point of view (she always works out how many hours of work it would take her to buy) our kitten was nearly 40 hours. Your MIL might do a similar thing, so to her $1100 on a dress is crazy, that could have dressed her whole family for a year!
    I'm guessing she will still ask about the wedding, your house, your holidays etc. You could say something like "It's not too much - we managed to save $500!" that way she might feel better that you have saved so much, without actually telling her how much you have spent.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    KirstenAleciaKirstenAlecia member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    No my priorites are not "fcked" up as you so graciously put it. I have already been able to find affordable means of accomodating guests comfort, and entertainment. Those have been taken care of.
    We have a great caterer and DJ my is a friend and does weddings for a living. He is great, otherwise I would spend the money to hire one. We are renting outdoor space heaters just in case of chilly weather. Those are part of comfort and entertainment I believe The 3 items I listed are items that I cant seem to find what I want for less  and seem to be where I am spending a lot of money. She has expressed the thought that we could cut our budget in half. We dont need to though. We can afford a budget of $10,000. I think its a rather modest budget myself.

    I wasnt trying to ellicit attacks, I really dont think I said anything that implied that I would not be making be guests comfortable, happy and entertained. Had I said "we are only offering cake and punch for a 4 or 5 hour reception during the evening" I could see where this would be an issue. But we are not doing that. We are paying for a full meal, there will be an bar that offers beer and margaritas, and lots of dancing and fun. Guests taken care of.

    So the issue really is just a matter of budget. She would tell me if she thought I was missing something...like being a gracious hostess.

    Report Reply
  • Options
    KirstenAleciaKirstenAlecia member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Tess: I know what you mean. I just spent $600 on vet bills last week and there is no way she would put that much into an animal at all....purchasing or keeping the health of one she already had. I know there are people who feel that way, but I wont put my pet down for something totally treatable just because it cost a bit of $$. I took respossibility of the pet when I took ownership of it...... that's the way I look at it.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    engutshallengutshall
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_fmillove-her-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:7c485de9-4681-4aad-9654-363faaedf86aPost:dd33250b-5f11-4c55-a68c-5c451d186408">Re: FMIL...love her, but......</a>:
    [QUOTE]Don't lie.  That has to be the worst idea ever.  If she point blank asks cost just tell her "it's covered."  Repeat as necessary.  I have a feeling this won't end with wedding stuff.  Next will be house, furniture, cars, etc.  Just get in the habit now.
    Posted by 6fsn[/QUOTE]

    <div>This would be my advice.  Whatever her intentions are, it just simply isn't her business.  Be as polite as possible and smile when you say its taken care of.</div>
    Report Reply
  • Options
    Love is BaldLove is Bald
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    my mom cant come to grips with the reality of how much things cost today vs. 30 + years ago.  Ive stopped telling her what i've booked and how much it costs.  Problem solved.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Holy crap, $10,000?? Our wedding will be for about $5,000 with 400 people... but then again I'm sure your's will be a lot prettier than ours, haha.

    Good luck with the FMIL, just remind her that you are working really hard for the wedding and do not mind spending the money because it is money well spent.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    Butter CookieButter Cookie member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_fmillove-her-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:7c485de9-4681-4aad-9654-363faaedf86aPost:b581d50c-60af-474e-b761-a6da1b43a514">Re: FMIL...love her, but......</a>:
    [QUOTE]Holy crap, $10,000?? Our wedding will be for about $5,000 with 400 people... but then again I'm sure your's will be a lot prettier than ours, haha. Good luck with the FMIL, just remind her that you are working really hard for the wedding and do not mind spending the money because it is money well spent.
    Posted by Katzilla_dances[/QUOTE]


    Four HUNDRED people?!
    Good LORD you have a huge family. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-frown.gif" border="0" alt="Frown" title="Frown" />
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
    Report Reply
  • Options
    KirstenAleciaKirstenAlecia member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Wow Katzilla 400 people! Oh that would make my head spin girl!

    My invite list is at 210 right now so Im really hoping that it will be less than 200. My wedding isnt going to be anything fancy pants. Im not really into super elegant and fancy....its going to be a lot of DIY and its an outdoor garden ceremony and reception. The only decor being added besides whats ON the tables are string globe lights and lots of pink paper lanterns and maybe luminaries. The location s really beautiful on its own so that is saving us $$.
    Report Reply
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards