Help with my mother

Re: Help with my mother

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  swim1011

  

  January 2010 edited December 2011

   I think it all boils down to the fact that she feels like he is taking me away from her (before him my mother and I were close and did things together and now we dont)
  
  I'm not a mom, but this sounds like a pretty good reason for at least some of her behavior.  Have you tried to talk to your mom about any of this, or have you just been squabbling?  I would try actually doing stuff with your mother, non-wedding related, and see what happens. 
  
  The things my mom put up a fuss about ended up being triggered by completely unrelated problems.  It's exactly like with what happens when a BM starts being nasty, or just plain ignoring you.  Instead of assuming it's completely about the wedding, wonder if there's something else going on.  Talk to her.

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  bablingbrooke member

  

  January 2010 edited December 2011

  Could you edit your post and break it down into paragraphs?  It's hard to read a long wall of text but if it's broken down it's easier to read and you might get more responses.

  Courtesy of megk8oz
  
  "I think bablingbrooke is the 13 yr old marring her cousin at the town hall. Lets all give her a big hand. And hope her inbred children can live normal lives." -tabs.
  
  A word of warning from your friends at Cracked.com: Remember that text is going to be how you make your first impression over the internet; if every third word you type is misspelled, people will automatically assume that you're a moron.
  

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  MairePoppy mod

  

  January 2010 edited December 2011

  The fact that you and your fi are paying for the wedding is very important. You get to decide on the guest list and all the details. Since you want to make things better with your mom, though, why don't you pick a few wedding related projects that the two of you can do together.
  The more important issue is the disrespect she is showing to your fi. You need to tell her you will not tolerate it and that it is damaging your relationship with her. When she starts talking about him in a negative way, walk out or hang up. It is important that she knows you are standing with your fi 100%.
  

                     

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  Truchana member

  

  January 2010 edited December 2011

  Unfortunately, and I don't mean to be snotty, but I think if you stopped doing things with your mom because you spend time iwth your boyfriend/fiance is a good reason for her to feel threatened and get upset.  She is probably slightly insecure, and is acting out in this method.  While I think it's completely normal to become attached to your boyfriend/fiance/husband, it's not normal to quit doing things with your mom.  That relationship still needs to be nutured.   I also don't blame her for being upset that his family has more people.  I think the fairest thing to do is tell each family they get X amount of people upfront to be fair and not let one side have more invites than the other.  In some cases with large families, etc, it can be hard to do that, but at least it's fair.   I agree with people, do things non wedding related with your mom to start bonding with her again and let her know that she will not be forgotten.

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  jazzycazy member

  

  January 2010 edited December 2011

  OMG Tara, I could have written your exact post a couple of months ago.
  
  My FI has been incredible to my mother but she had a problem with him because he's not rich or has what she considers a "proper career". She claimed he was controlling because he wanted to come with me and her to a serious hospital appointment I had. I am an only child too and I have to echo the
  
  "I think it all boils down to the fact that she feels like he is taking me away from her"
  
  statement you made. She was completely overeacting and being incredibly difficult.
  
  It all came to a head when she reeled of a list of what was wrong with him over the phone one day and FI and I got fed up with it. I met her for a drink and said "look, this is what is happening, you NEED to get on board and it's unfair for you to say mean things about the man I love".
  
  You have to deal with her and talk this out with her head on. Since we had our chat I made an effort to spend more time with her and prove that my FI is fine with me spending time with her (this was one of her stranger claims). At xmas she was great and her and FI talked and cleared the air which seems to have helped further.
  
  She's said that she'll go along with the wedding even if she doesn't agree with it which is good enough for me! You can't please everyone at the end of the day!
  
  Good luck, this is not an easy situation to be in.
  
  xjcx

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  MICHELLE MCDOWELL member

  

  January 2010 edited December 2011

  To your mom it doesn't seem all that long ago that she had you and was responsible for all your needs.  She fed you, she clothed you, she held you when you were sad.  Because of her, right or wrong, you are the person you are. Cut her some slack.  This is a tough time for her too. Don't get mad.  Tell her how much you love her.  Tell her you think she was a great mom.  Remember that, some day, you'll be a mom, too and we reap what we sow.  You'll know what it is to feel the loss of a child to someone else. 
  

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  FalStar

  

  January 2010 edited December 2011

  This sounds like my mother ! I'm currently in the process of planning my wedding also, however, I am "not allowed" to talk about the wedding because I'm not having it in my hometown which is where she wants it (I'm instead going to be having it one-hour away from my hometown where my fiance and I have our condo). After trying to have several talks with my family (resulting in her walking away even though my father says she wants to be a part of planning it), my fiance and I have just decided to just make several of the plans by ourselves.
  
  My advice to you and all brides to be: Remember, this is your special day. Don't worry about what other people disagree with. After all, isn't this day suppose to be about you and your amazing future spouse?  Good luck with everything!

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  [Deleted User] member

  

  February 2010 edited December 2011

  I totally agree with and can relate to FalStar. Sounds exactly like my Mom and we are paying for it ourselves b/c I have not been able to get a straight answer out of her. My Mom is very controlling and manipulating and I think she is mad b/c we have put our feet down on several steps in the planning process and she doesn't like it b/c she can't have complete control. My Dad just lets this happen, which is upsetting, but I am moving on. The bottom line is that you have to do what is best for you and for you and your FI to be happy. You are the 2 who will start a new life together, not with your parents or anyone else anymore. People will get over it, or they will continue to not be able to forgive and forget and hold grudges for the rest of their lives like my Mom. Good Luck, hang in there. 

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