kicked out as a bridesmaid-rant

squirrly · December 2010

Yep, PPD = Pretty Princess Day. Technically it's a Vow Renewal, but depending on the attitude of the bride, PPD fits better sometimes.

yoko2011 · December 2010

I think, while yes, BMs just "have to buy the dress and show up" - usually the bride has some consideration for their total budget - travel to wedding, attire - dress, shoes, hair / make up (even if bride isn't requiring professional services) and asks what's in range ... and goes from there. Everyone's financial situation is different - 20 or 10 a month may seem like nothing to some or in reach - but may be huge to others based on job situation, bills, etc.

I think in this case OP was upfront and saying I can't afford X dress vs some posts that have the BM going MIA after agreeding to buy dress, etc. One maybe able to chalk up the bride neglecting to ask for everyone's budget for the dress as something that should've been handled differently and move on. Just going with the OP's first post - the kicker for me is being replaced, "apologized" to and being accused of ruining vision ...

edit to fix typo

ckonidak · December 2010

I have to say that I second the whole "i'd do something spiteful" thing. I would probably end up doing something completely tasteless like "congrats on your wedding, again" on a big sign for all their guests to see. LOL

I think you're dealing with an impossible situation with grace, and kudos to you for being able to do that. I just wish that your friend would have came to her senses before ruining your relationship. It's too bad.

sister2groom · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kicked-out-bridesmaid-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ed3faadc-185e-4128-8b4d-ce77e6f6f6fbPost:60508376-d110-44c1-ada2-13f509aafb15">Re: kicked out as a bridesmaid-rant</a>:
[QUOTE]$200 is not an extremely unaffordable dress. It's just not. Sorry if that sounds bad.
Posted by smokeybailey[/QUOTE]

Easy to say, but $16.66 a month is not a trivial amount for everyone, especially since OP is a student. A lot of students rack up loans to pay for living, so even $16.66 a month that you not only don't have actually but possibly have to go into debt over <em>is</em> excessive.

But let's say for a second that it is reasonable for many people, the way the bride handled OP not being able to afford it was pretty rude and self-absorbed.

BeeBee22 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kicked-out-bridesmaid-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ed3faadc-185e-4128-8b4d-ce77e6f6f6fbPost:60508376-d110-44c1-ada2-13f509aafb15">Re: kicked out as a bridesmaid-rant</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: kicked out as a bridesmaid-rant : 1) I'm not confused but thanks for suggesting. 2) $200 is not an extremely unaffordable dress. It's just not. Sorry if that sounds bad. 3) Bride cannot dictate finances BUT she CAN pick a dress for the BMs and OP can say, hey, I know I have over 12 months to save up $200 but I just can't save the $16.66 per month to buy it. And the bride can say, okay, well, I am going to ask someone else (which is shitty but that's not the point) AND the bride can also be hurt that you would rather not participate than put aside $4/week. I am not saying that the bride in this case was anything less than a bitch but I am saying that I am surprised that everyone is going a different direction than usual.
Posted by smokeybailey[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>A cardinal etiquette point that comes before "the BM shows up in the dress" is that the bride consults with her BP re budget <strong>before</strong> deciding upon a dress. If she had done that, none of this may have happened. No one should have to save up for two years to buy something they may only wear once, and no one should ask a friend to do it. It's absurd. And for many people, $200 IS unaffordable for a dress. It's nice that it's not for you, but everyone's circumstances are different.</div><div>
</div><div>Other than that, this situation is particularly offensive because a married 'woman' is expecting people to lay out big money for her DESTINATION fake-wedding pretty princess day some time after her first anniversary. Just all kinds of wrong going on here, aggravated by her being horrible about it (ruining her vision? for her fake wedding? barf).</div><div>
</div><div>OP, you are correct that she IS being an inconsiderate b*tch. If she were to come here, she would be informed that - among other things - she can't even use the "It's my day" excuse for awful behavior because 1) she's not a spoiled 2 year-old, and 2) SHE'S ALREADY MARRIED. <strong>That</strong> was her day.</div><div>
</div><div>I'd turn down the "invitations" and let the relationship lapse. As other ladies have said, friendship is a two way street. Hers seems to be one way.</div><div>
</div><div>

</div>

zantster · December 2010

I feel your pain especially because you two have been close since childhood. If you two are tried and true friends meaning that you have had disagreements in the past and worked through them without holding grudges then perhaps you should pick a nice park and go for a walk and talk together. Invite her without going into a bunch of detail and see what happens. That length of time as friends makes it worth one last shot.

Plus, it sounds like there has been some major miscommunication in this situation. And while email is cool there is nothing like being able to add eye contact, facial expressions and body language to words to fully grasp how someone is feeling. There is a better chance both of you will understand the other's feelings by meeting up privately for no other reason than to have some girl talk. Then be real, let the tears flow and all the rest.

If she is unwilling to meet up or after the talk she seems unfeeling or uncaring and you can come to no compromise then just let go. I've always loved the saying "If you have something, let it go. If it comes back to you it is yours. If it doesn't it never was." All the best.

MyNameIsNot · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kicked-out-bridesmaid-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ed3faadc-185e-4128-8b4d-ce77e6f6f6fbPost:60508376-d110-44c1-ada2-13f509aafb15">Re: kicked out as a bridesmaid-rant</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: kicked out as a bridesmaid-rant : 1) I'm not confused but thanks for suggesting. 2) $200 is not an extremely unaffordable dress. It's just not. Sorry if that sounds bad. 3) Bride cannot dictate finances BUT she CAN pick a dress for the BMs and OP can say, hey, I know I have over 12 months to save up $200 but I just can't save the $16.66 per month to buy it. And the bride can say, okay, well, I am going to ask someone else (which is shitty but that's not the point) AND the bride can also be hurt that you would rather not participate than put aside $4/week. I am not saying that the bride in this case was anything less than a bitch but I am saying that I am surprised that everyone is going a different direction than usual.
Posted by smokeybailey[/QUOTE]

<div>Really? Conventional wisdom on this board has been that the bride asks the BM's budget before choosing a dress, and if it is out of budget, it is on the bride. Brides get the same story when the dress is $120. </div><div>
</div><div>I don't get why you're so surprised by this. Every time I've seen a post with a bride complaining that the BM didn't buy a dress, the board (rightly) jumps on her, saying she's putting a dress ahead of a friendship. That's exactly what happened here, and it's not even for a real wedding. </div>

marissa_claire · December 2010

OP, I'm pretty sure you'll be around for a while, but will you please keep up on the M&M and WP boards? There's a lot of snotty brides who need to hear your side of the story and what kicking out a BM can do to a friendship.

I'm sorry your friend sucks! But I am firmly of the belief that any friend who cares more about her vision than her close friends is not a very good friend anyways. Who needs her?

kaesha · December 2010

I don't think 200$ is unreasonable for a dress either. To me, it sounds like a whole lot of mistakes were made on both sides of the equation (isn't that usually the way?).

The OP mentioned in one of her other comments that the bride hasn't "taken the hint" and understood just how angry and hurt she is by the whole situation. Might I suggest growing a pair and telling the bride this? Seriously, dude, you're an adult. If a friend hurts your feelings, you tell them. If you think the relationship is damaged beyond repair and you want out, tell them. DTMF, you know? The person isn't going to know exactly how you feel unless you tell them exactly how you feel.

Dumping the friend who didn't treat me right was the best thing I've ever done. Even better was laying it out for her just how she'd been such a crappy friend and then being done with it. No more simmering resentment.

NuggetBrain · December 2010

Smokey and Kaesha, I'm glad you don't consider $200 expensive for a dress. However, not everybody is in your financial situation. I find it TERRIBLY presumptious of you guys to assume that because it's not expensive to you, it isn't expensive to everybody else. Add in a destination wedding, and the fact that this BM would probably have to fork over money for a bridal shower, and a B party, and you're easily looking at around $1,000. As a student who's trying to save for her own wedding, I can fully understand why that would be out of her price range. And the fact that the bride didn't ask for budgets before hand, and also threw out "You're ruining my wedding VISION" to me takes all blame off OP for this. The bride knew she was strapped for cash. It's not like she's living it up and is just too cheap to pay for a dress, or doesn't like it or something.

hlq2011 · December 2010

I'm asking my girls to get a dress that's about $240 (one it might be more for, since she may need a maternity dress), and I picked it knowing it's over the budget for at least two of my girls. But I'm picking it with the understanding that I pick up the difference for them.

If I was a bridesmaid and someone wanted me to buy a $300 dress, with a couple months to save for it, it'd be no problem to me (though I probably wouldn't be thrilled). That does not mean that I expect $240 to be totally doable for my friends. That does not mean that even if I'd picked a dress that was completely within the budgets of all involved, that I'd boot a girl who told me later that she couldn't afford it after all.

These are my friends, and if they were important enough for me to ask to be BMs, they are important enough for me to try to help out if I can. Obviously, this is not the case for the OPs friend.

OP, honestly, you don't need to be MEAN, per se. Just send her an email or something and tell her you've made a change to your wedding party. She'll probably get the message then.

Jelenny · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kicked-out-bridesmaid-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ed3faadc-185e-4128-8b4d-ce77e6f6f6fbPost:5090b084-a165-4225-8a81-fdfbfe870f01">Re: kicked out as a bridesmaid-rant</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: kicked out as a bridesmaid-rant : Well yeah, I actually had, but then she unfriended me on fb. and <strong>didn't talk to me for a month. (read, until she needed me for something again.) </strong> I took that to mean she wouldn't be coming to my wedding. Oh no, do I have to keep her??? I really don't want to...
Posted by rentaduckie[/QUOTE]

At this point I would say so long, I wish you well and close that door. Friendships are two way streets not a "hey I need you buddy ol' pal" one.

I too am terrible at being mean...(read standing up for myself because I don't like people not being happy) but I have cut some ties and looking back sure they tried to make me out to be the bad guy but in the long run it was just negative friends I didn't need in my life.

Sorry you have to go through this but your "friend" seems to be too about herself and could careless about anyone else.

impslave · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kicked-out-bridesmaid-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ed3faadc-185e-4128-8b4d-ce77e6f6f6fbPost:cb29636c-69ea-4c1e-8cca-af3d6cab359d">Re: kicked out as a bridesmaid-rant</a>:
[QUOTE]Smokey and Kaesha, I'm glad you don't consider $200 expensive for a dress. However, not everybody is in your financial situation. I find it TERRIBLY presumptious of you guys to assume that because it's not expensive to you, it isn't expensive to everybody else. Add in a destination wedding, and the fact that this BM would probably have to fork over money for a bridal shower, and a B party, and you're easily looking at around $1,000. As a student who's trying to save for her own wedding, I can fully understand why that would be out of her price range. And the fact that the bride didn't ask for budgets before hand, and also threw out "You're ruining my wedding VISION" to me takes all blame off OP for this. The bride knew she was strapped for cash. It's not like she's living it up and is just too cheap to pay for a dress, or doesn't like it or something.
Posted by NuggetBrain[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I have to ditto all this.</div><div>
</div><div>Not to mention, it's all bad enough if OP was going to be a BM in an actual wedding. But what her former friend is organizing is a PPD vow renewal. I wouldn't spend $50 on a dress for that, forget about $200 and all the additional expense for the travel and accommodations.</div>

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