Pre-wedding Parties

Bachelorette Party advice!

Hi ladies,
My wedding is in 26 days (eek!) and my sister (MOH), other sister and friend (BMs) originally decided they would try to pay for the bachelorette party entirely by themselves (there are 8 bms altogether). However, they quickly realized it was too much for just the 3 of them (they have small children and don't exactly make a killing), so they asked the other BM's to chip in a small amount (30 bucks). The only reason I even know about this is that my MOH sister called to ask me for advice as to how to respond to some of the girls, b/c I know them much better than she does. I didn't really know what to tell her... But there are a few different issues. For instance, one of them responded that it was incredibly "rude" and "tacky" for them to be inviting people to a party and then asking them to pay for it... Obviously she is unaware of the fact that etiquette dictates everyone chip in at the bachelorette party; she thinks it's the MOH's responsibility. The other girls have simply said that they will not be paying anything, as they cannot afford it. I know that it's not my responsibility to handle this, since my sisters are coordinating everything, but a part of me feels like it may be more effective if I say something, since they know me, but don't necessarily know my sisters. More than anything, I'm hurt that my closest friends don't seem to care enough to set aside literally about a dollar a day to chip in for my bachelorette party.... So, should I say something? Nicely, of course! If not, should I tell my sister to address it (she keeps asking me if she should), nicely of course, and if so, how? Or just tell her to drop it and cut her losses??

P.S. PLEEEEEASE no responses about how no one owes me a bachelorette party and no one has to do anything for me, etc. I KNOW all of that... The situation already is what it is, I am just asking for advice as to whether to address it and how to do so. Only NICE and helpful responses welcome here! :)

Thanks Knotties!

Re: Bachelorette Party advice!

  • edited December 2011
    Technically, if they're not helping hosting then they shouldn't be expect to help pay for it.  You definitely shouldn't say anything.  

    Your sister should have asked them from the start - "how do we feel about planning a party for so and so?"  At that time, they could have made their financial concerns known.  I don't ever advocate allowing one person to plan a party without consulting others, then expecting those people to write a check when the time comes.  Your sis should have consulted them from the beginning, and if she didn't then I think it's her problem.
  • Charity613Charity613 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I do definitely understand your perspective... HOWEVER, even "Ask Carly" on TK says that the bachelorette party is one situation where this is NOT the case- that everyone should expect to pay for herself and that etiquette says it's okay to ask them to do so... So I would have to say I respectfully disagree with you...

    What do other people think?
  • Charity613Charity613 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Right... again, the problem is that these few people think it is rude to be asked to "buy their drinks and a few rounds for the bride." They want to contribute NOTHING. They are being asked to pitch in only what would be their own share- i.e. THEIR drinks, THEIR food, etc.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_bachelorette-party-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:a4d88504-01d3-433f-8460-6174997c5254Post:9e3f72f7-69ad-4877-a14c-be29b6bc2b6b">Re: Bachelorette Party advice!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Right... again, the problem is that these few people think it is rude to be asked to "buy their drinks and a few rounds for the bride." They want to contribute NOTHING. They are being asked to pitch in only what would be their own share- i.e. THEIR drinks, THEIR food, etc.
    Posted by Charity613[/QUOTE]

    That is their way of declining hosting a bach party.  If they don't want to help host, then they are under no obligation to pay.  Being a BM doesn't mean that you have to help pay for the bach party.  Volunteering to host does mean that you have volunteered to help pay. 
  • SweetCharadeSweetCharade member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_bachelorette-party-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:a4d88504-01d3-433f-8460-6174997c5254Post:9e3f72f7-69ad-4877-a14c-be29b6bc2b6b">Re: Bachelorette Party advice!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Right... again, the problem is that these few people think it is rude to be asked to "buy their drinks and a few rounds for the bride." They want to contribute NOTHING. They are being asked to pitch in only what would be their own share- i.e. THEIR drinks, THEIR food, etc.
    Posted by Charity613[/QUOTE]
    But if your MOH is asking them to contribute a specific amount, then it's not really covering THEIR drinks or THEIR food, is it?  I mean, if I go out to a restaurant with a bunch of friends and I get a side salad, and my friends are all buying steak...my bill will be less than theirs; I wouldn't pay the same thing as everyone else.<div>
    </div><div>No offense, but it seems like you really just want to hear "Yes, you can talk to them about it and of course they should be paying!"  That's probably not going to happen...the ladies on here have given you good advice.</div>
  • edited December 2011
    I do see some points to the other posts that they don't have to pay. But every bachelor or bachelorette party I've been to or heard of, every guests who attends helps to chip in.........But that is neiter here nor there, you have this situation to deal with.
    Perhapes your sister can rearrange the party plans and ask them to bring some food, drinks or party decor/favors. If someone refuses to give her a check, then there isn't much you can do about it. But your MOH could tell all the BMs that there was a change in plans and the ask everyone to bring something to the party. This will help your sister in planning, and allows for each of your BMs to contribute something they have more control over.
    I'm actully having 2 bachelorette parties (it's a big headache for me actually BP doesn't get along...UGH!), but one we are going to D&B followed by a party at my place with an adult demo and drinks. And the second is a sleepover party with a lingerie theme for everyone. Also, when we planned my sister's bachelorette, we went to hersey park and concert there later that night. We did ask the attendents before we finalized the plans if that was OK for them.
    Good luck and don't stress, it's really nothing to worry about. Just try to offer your advice and leave it in her hands.
  • AdeleDazeemAdeleDazeem member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    It sounds like this party is simply too much money.  Time for a change of plans.

    And really - don't tell people how to respond.
  • kristenrmu22kristenrmu22 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_bachelorette-party-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:a4d88504-01d3-433f-8460-6174997c5254Post:3ea8ffe6-868e-4032-aab4-a28cb6965f17">Re: Bachelorette Party advice!</a>:
    [QUOTE]If they don't want to contribute, then they don't attend.  I will say that in all of my experiences, guests at a bach party DO cover at least their own costs, whether that's dinner, entrance to a club, tix to a concert, etc.  Helping to pay for the bride's cost is never expected in my circle, but most do offer to help with it.  Of course, b-parties in my circle are pretty much always dinner and drinks, so no one has to "chip in" a certain amount beforehand at all.  If you're doing a trip to vegas or something else like that, then that is a whole different ballgame. <div>
    </div><div>Agreed! <span style="white-space:pre;" class="Apple-tab-span"> </span>This is how it is done in our area. Each GUEST pays for their own meals, drinks, rides, etc...If you don't pay you don't go...bm or not. The bms organize the party not "host" it where they pay for everyone else. 

    I would prob just tell my sisters to tell them then don't come if they can't chip in...again that is because above is how our area does things- everyone pretty much knows this info already.

    </div>
  • edited December 2011
    I think a lot of this depends on how the B-party is organized.  I agree with many PPs that guests usually pay for their own food and drinks.  It's perfectly fine for the organizer to tell people, "We are going out to restaurant X for Charity's b-party.  You're invited to come.  Dinner will probably cost around $30 per person."  Your friends can decide whether or not they want to come.

    What I don't think is ok is for the organizer to say, "i'm planning a b-party for Charity.  If you want to come, give me $30 for food/limo/entertainment."  I'd be annoyed if I were invited to a b-party and asked to pay the organizer beforehand unless I had a role in organizing the party.
  • shannonking8shannonking8 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    I've always chipped in for bachelorette parties - usually the email/invitation specifies the plan and mentions how much dinner/drinks/etc will be per person.  I can't think of a time there wasn't extra included to cover the bride as well.  I would say guests can chip in and participate or stay home.  If you really want these people there, then are there options (party at someone's house) that would be cheaper where they could bring a dish or just show up? 

  • equusamieequusamie member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I agree with some of the other posts that said people should pay for their own food and drinks if you all are going out as a group.  The other option is that your MOH plans something smaller (and cheaper) so they could all come if they really are just plain broke and can't pay for their own meal and drinks.  I've seen a lot of fun options in these discussion forms that wouldn't break the bank!
    I think it's smart not to offer to pay for drinks no matter how much money the MOH wants to put forth because people will usually take advantage of that and get SMASHED if it's "free" (well, not to the MOH!)!  Is it possible that the people who objected to paying didn't realize that they would only have to pay for what they consume? Asking for the money in advance doesn't really give that impression so maybe your MOH could just let them know the fact (if that is truly all they have to cover) that they only cover themselves?  If they still object than I think she will just have to nicely tell them that she just can't afford to pay for everyone and that it would be great if they can come but she understands if they can't.
    These are difficult situations to deal with because you don't want anyone to be hurt or unhappy.  Best of luck coming to a decision that everyone can be happy with! Congrats on your (really close!) wedding!
  • colourzcolourz member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    All the bachelorette parties I went to we had to pay for ourselves. There may be some extras that the MOH decided to cover just because she wanted to add it in.
    You definitely should stay out of this. And don't get offended. People have different ways of doing things. This has nothing to do with their friendship for you.
  • stephasuasustephasuasu member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    Every bachelorette party that I have been to has each person attending chip in a small amount. The MOH or bridesmaids often put in more. This is very common, and who wouldn't want to chip in a little for a big fun party? We are currently planning one for my best friend!

    For my bach party, each girl definitely got their money's worth. My sisters were the official organizers. They got the presidential suite a new hotel in our area for the 25 guests, the room was big enought to sleep the 15 people that wanted to stay the night. My sisters also got a shit-ton of booze for everyone, catered in dinner, rented a stretch limo to take everyone into the city, set up bottle service at the two bars we went to, and made sure everyones bar cover was taken care of. Together, the two of them chipped in $800 each. Each of my bridesmaids (7 of them) agreed to chip in another $100 each. Every other guest chipped in $50, which was info that was given to them in an email after the invitations went out with the line-up of events for the night. This is how some people do it.


    Your host asked your guests to chip in $30 for a traditional party where it is custom for everyone to chip in? Seems normal to me. Just make sure they get something for their money, such as food and drinks :)

  • kchacana7kchacana7 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I quite agree, it seems to me the etiquette is about the same as a birthday bash - if you come you should expect to pay your own share, as well as chipping in for the guest of honor.  If you really can't afford to go, then don't go!  I would NEVER expect my 'maids to pay for the entire thing, for EVERYONE!!!
    I would also suggest, if money really is an issue for all guests, maybe try to plan something that isn't quite as expensive - but still fun, of course!
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