Black tie wedding--menu cards?!?!?

Molly15098 · December 2011

So, our wedding wil be black tie and the RSVPs will have the menu choices. For this reason, my caterer said we don't have to have menu cards at the place settings. What do you guys think? For our favors, we will have fine paper on each napkin saying that a donation has put placed in their name for the charity. If we have menus AND the donation info, does that seem like a lot of paper on the table? Thoughts?!?

annakb8 · December 2011

No, I don't think you need menu cards. The guests have already ordered on their RSVP card.

Also, the donation in lieu of favors thing is kinda lame. It isn't really a favor to your guests. You can feel free to make donations whenever you like, but it's in bad taste to broadcast this information at your wedding. Favors aren't required. I'd just skip them if I were you.

Habs2Hart · December 2011

First off, menus say all that is included in the meal, the starter, salad, sides, etc, so it is nice to let your guests know what they will be eating other than fish, beef, chicken. It is likely expected at black tie.

Secondly, donations are not favours. Donate your money and don't make it publicly known. Favours are not needed. What does a donation do for the guest? Do they all get the tax reciept for it? How do you know they would like the donation? Don't do that donations as favours, just skip favours.

lyndausvi · December 2011

Ugh.. I HATE when people make a donation in my name. Donate if you want, but DO NOT donate in my name. I might not agree with the charity Note that I'm not saying 'the cause', because there are few causes I would not support, but there are charities that I do not support.

Anyway, why not put 1-2 menus in a frame on the table. That way people can read the menu if they want as they are generally more descriptive than the RSVP card, but they do not take up much room.

mica178 · December 2011

I don't think the menu cards are necessary, but I think it's nice to describe the food so the guests know what they are eating.

I don't like donations in lieu of favors, since they aren't really favors to the guests, they seem a little self-congratulatory to me. Skip the favors and make the donation privately without fanfare.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · December 2011

If it's a black tie wedding, why do people have to pick their dish in advance?

tenofcups4me · December 2011

I don't think menu cards are ever required. But I do like them and I do think they're an "elegant" touch that goes well with a black tie wedding.

lyndausvi · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_black-tie-wedding-menu-cards?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:626ff289-f2f6-47d1-b0b1-6765be29fef3Post:2ace80a6-4a31-4494-a0fc-4cd905b17b04">Re: Black tie wedding--menu cards?!?!?</a>:
[QUOTE]If it's a black tie wedding, why do people have to pick their dish in advance?
Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

<div>Not all venues have the ability to do table-side ordering. I've even seen black-tie buffet events, so personally I do not think it's a big deal they haver pre-ordering their meals.</div>

kalpi108 · December 2011

I went to a black tie event and they had a registry but made donations in our name to charity as favors and no thank you note so far. I agree with PP, I didn't appreciate that arrangement. They included a note in the program telling us that's what they had done so they saved paper I guess. They had menus on each of our plates but that's because we placed our order at the table like at a restaurant, not in advance. I agree with Mery that at black tie events, you usually don't have to order your meal beforehand.

kalpi108 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_black-tie-wedding-menu-cards?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:626ff289-f2f6-47d1-b0b1-6765be29fef3Post:b49c6969-b4c0-4417-98f4-d5927634c7a1">Re: Black tie wedding--menu cards?!?!?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Black tie wedding--menu cards?!?!? : Not all venues have the ability to do table-side ordering. I've even seen black-tie buffet events, so personally I do not think it's a big deal they haver pre-ordering their meals.
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

Personally I don't mind buffets or ordering in advance either but then it's not black tie. Just like I don't mind a wedding with beer and wine only or specialty cocktails instead of a fully open bar but it's still not black tie. If guests are expected to wear an evening gown and suit or tux, then a buffet doesn't match that.

lenergyrlah · December 2011

I definitely wouldn't do the "donation in place of favors." In general I don't like when people receive gifts (which are generally expected at a wedding) and then donate to charity instead of thank-you notes, favors, etc. I may be in the minority, but it comes off to me like "we're more important than the charity which is why we got gifts, but the charity is more important than you which is why we aren't giving favors or thank you notes."

If you can't afford favors that's fine and I doubt many of the guests will notice.

calliopeia2013 · December 2011

Just wanted to jump in and say that I agree with the people who've said not to do the donation favors. I support most charitable causes, but there are some I don't, and even for causes I do support, there are a LOT of charities I don't support because I think that their methods do more harm than good. If someone told me that they had made a donation to one of those charities in my name, I'd be pretty offended. I'd rather not get a favor at all than get an offensive favor, you know? It's pretty hard to come up with a universally palatable charity.

FWIW, I really do like the idea of incorporating charitable giving into weddings, and my FI and I are trying to think of ways to do so with ours. But this is a way to do it that's, IMO, far too likely to ruffle feathers in an unpleasant way.

Molly15098 · December 2011

Offended by a donation...REALLY?!?!?!! We are donating to a Jewish Non-Profit that fights hunger....anyone have a problem with THAT? And YES, it helps people of all religions and races. Its NOT that we cannot afford favors-we'd rather put our money in better places-NOT spending it on stupid little gifts that people forget to take home anyway. On the note, it will thank them AND they will all get thank you notes in the mail from us. Why do thank you notes and favors seem to go hand and hand with you all?!?

In Judaism, it was tradition long ago that a wedding could never start until the needy people of the town were first fed. By us giving to a charity that fights hunger, its traditional and thoughtful in my opinion!

My question was never asking whether we should do the favors or not...

lyndausvi · December 2011

Umm, I didn't say not to donate I said DO NOT DONATE IN MY NAME. Donate in your name all you want, I really don't care.

ETA - I should clarify. I think the Salvation Army is a worthy cause. But I do not agree with their organizational practices so I would not want my name associated with that charity. It's all great that you like your organization, but I think it's pretty presumptuous to attach someone else's name to the donation.

MyUserName1 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_black-tie-wedding-menu-cards?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:626ff289-f2f6-47d1-b0b1-6765be29fef3Post:e95f4d49-8bb0-4b8a-922c-3a3586bb6c9c">Re: Black tie wedding--menu cards?!?!?</a>:
[QUOTE]Offended by a donation...REALLY?!?!?!! We are donating to a Jewish Non-Profit that fights hunger....anyone have a problem with THAT? And YES, it helps people of all religions and races. Its NOT that we cannot afford favors-we'd rather put our money in better places-NOT spending it on stupid little gifts that people forget to take home anyway. On the note, it will thank them AND they will all get thank you notes in the mail from us. Why do thank you notes and favors seem to go hand and hand with you all?!? In Judaism, it was tradition long ago that a wedding could never start until the needy people of the town were first fed. By us giving to a charity that fights hunger, its traditional and thoughtful in my opinion! My question was never asking whether we should do the favors or not...
Posted by Molly15098[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>It isn't the cause that people might have an issue with. Maybe its the actual charity. I don't know what their structure is, what percentage of the donations ACTUALLY go to the cause and what percentage go to say, board member's salaries. </div><div>
</div><div>Don't donate in your guests name. Donate whatever you want to whomever you want, but don't do it in other's names without knowing for a fact that every single person on your guest list supports your charity. No one will get peeved if they just don't have a favor. </div><div>
</div><div>Also, you wrote on an internet message board. You cannot control which parts of your post strangers on the interwebs choose to comment on.

</div>

Kate61487 · December 2011

Menus are never necessary, but I appreciate it when I see them (and for that reason we used them). In part because usually I'm just picking beef or chicken, I have no idea what I'm actually getting to eat or the sides. I also like to know if there's going to be a dessert other than cake, or if there's soup AND salad, etc. so that I know whether to skip the bread to leave room for the yummy stuff; or perhaps I need to fill up on salad because my entree is coming with squash (which I don't like).

While I don't think the table would be too cluttered with both cards (we had our menu and favor card stacked, favor card was cut smaller but identical in design so they went together) I say skip the donation "favor". As PPs have said it's not a favor to your guests. (Our cards said "thank you for coming... etc.. .don't forget to grab your favor from over there" b/c we didn't like the cluttered look of putting the favors ON the table)

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_black-tie-wedding-menu-cards?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:626ff289-f2f6-47d1-b0b1-6765be29fef3Post:e4cc64fd-481f-4420-9b5e-ba0e609a9b30">Re: Black tie wedding--menu cards?!?!?</a>:
[QUOTE]Good lord, y'all are a bunch of nasty mean biitches. Except you're not. OP, no one was mean to you. Just b/c some people didn't like your idea of a donation as favors (and gave valid reasons), doesn't mean we're all a bunch of meanies. Starting a whole thread on your month board about how you didn't get validated on E is just lame. Glad you're DONE with the E board.
Posted by jcbsjr[/QUOTE]

Shhh - the November 2012 board is a secret club! It's not like we can see her posts! <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-undecided.gif" border="0" alt="Undecided" title="Undecided" />

But hey, thanks, because according to a post on that board, she's having a DJ, too. Black tie wedding my a$$.

redheadfsu · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_black-tie-wedding-menu-cards?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:626ff289-f2f6-47d1-b0b1-6765be29fef3Post:e95f4d49-8bb0-4b8a-922c-3a3586bb6c9c">Re: Black tie wedding--menu cards?!?!?</a>:
[QUOTE]Offended by a donation...REALLY?!?!?!! We are donating to a Jewish Non-Profit that fights hunger....anyone have a problem with THAT? And YES, it helps people of all religions and races. Its NOT that we cannot afford favors-we'd rather put our money in better places-NOT spending it on stupid little gifts that people forget to take home anyway. On the note, it will thank them AND they will all get thank you notes in the mail from us. Why do thank you notes and favors seem to go hand and hand with you all?!? In Judaism, it was tradition long ago that a wedding could never start until the needy people of the town were first fed. By us giving to a charity that fights hunger, its traditional and thoughtful in my opinion! My question was never asking whether we should do the favors or not...
Posted by Molly15098[/QUOTE]

1. That is all well and good; however, <strong>a favor is something for the guest</strong>. So it isn't a favor. I find it in bad taste to tell people that you gave to charity. If it is a favor for the guest, you want a 'thank you' from people. Giving to charity is itself a reward. Asking people to thank you for you giving to a charity is what is in bad taste.<strong> </strong>Giving to charity is great, <strong>but advertising that you gave to charity is what is rude.</strong>

2. A black tie affair usually has table orders like pps mentioned. Even if you made guests choose before hand, you still should have a menu as it is a black tie affair, which means you go all out. So going all out means a menu that lists everything for the guests.

kalpi108 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_black-tie-wedding-menu-cards?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:626ff289-f2f6-47d1-b0b1-6765be29fef3Post:2838f97f-6c2f-45da-86cf-21d96fc8add2">Re: Black tie wedding--menu cards?!?!?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Black tie wedding--menu cards?!?!? : Shhh - the November 2012 board is a secret club! It's not like we can see her posts! But hey, thanks, because according to a post on that board, she's having a DJ, too. Black tie wedding my a$$.
Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

<div>Ha, I just checked out that thread, thanks. It was hilarious, good for a laugh.</div><div>
</div><div>OP, people didnt agree with what you were doing and explained why. No digs at your character were made. The tone of your thread on your month board about the girls who post on E was a lot nastier in my opinion than any responses you received here. Glad you're done with the E board, too, don't let the door hit you on your way out.</div><div>
</div><div>
</div> *Edited to better express my point.

ktsann · December 2011

This is horrible. Girls come here for advice and not to be attacked. This is just sad. This is the is etiquette board and I am seeing nothing of that on this thread.

jessicabessica · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_black-tie-wedding-menu-cards?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:626ff289-f2f6-47d1-b0b1-6765be29fef3Post:e95f4d49-8bb0-4b8a-922c-3a3586bb6c9c">Re: Black tie wedding--menu cards?!?!?</a>:
[QUOTE]Offended by a donation...REALLY?!?!?!! We are donating to a Jewish Non-Profit that fights hunger....anyone have a problem with THAT? And YES, it helps people of all religions and races. Its NOT that we cannot afford favors-we'd rather put our money in better places-NOT spending it on stupid little gifts that people forget to take home anyway. On the note, it will thank them AND they will all get thank you notes in the mail from us. Why do thank you notes and favors seem to go hand and hand with you all?!? In Judaism, it was tradition long ago that a wedding could never start until the needy people of the town were first fed. By us giving to a charity that fights hunger, its traditional and thoughtful in my opinion! My question was never asking whether we should do the favors or not...
Posted by Molly15098[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Judaism also teaches that giving to charity for the sake of giving is a higher form of charity than when you give to receive some social benefit or ego boost. Favors are not necessary--why not scrap the favors idea and make a private donation?
</div>

kalpi108 · December 2011

OP and ktsann, no one attacked you or your character. People didn't agree with what you were doing and explained why. It's called a difference of opinion. People are allowed to have them. It was OP that got all worked up while people were responding calmly about their feelings on donation favors. I'm guessing you reported some of our posts since they're no longer on here? I have to say I find it amusing since no one actually insulted you here. The tone of your thread on your month board about the girls who post on E was much nastier in my opinion. There, you all were throwing around insults and calling people b's freely when no one here did that to you. Nice hypocrisy. Night.

Nickivegan · December 2011

You guys, stop being mean. Or, we could just continue to give etiquette advice on the E board and come off as 15 year old meanies when posters can't stand other opinions about their "great original ideas"- rabbit centerpiece for an Alice in Wonderland theme, anyone? I vote the second option. And with that, I hope TK is fixed, and GN!

ktsann · December 2011

There are two ways of presenting opinions. First way is saying something along the lines of I wouldn't do that but it's my opinion like Kalpi did and I respect your opinion. But then theres the way of aggressively saying to not do that. To me that is not presenting your opinion. It is forceful and not what girls look for on this board. Some of the advice was good such as donating just in your names but not everyone who attended the wedding but there is a better way of saying it

Black tie wedding--menu cards?!?!?

Re: Black tie wedding--menu cards?!?!?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards