Age for flower girl/ring bearer?

britthitched · March 2012

Sorry if this has been asked already...

My FI and I don't have any friends with children (at 25, we're the first of our friends to get married) and have no cousins under the age of 16. His older brother has two children, a girl and boy, who will be 9 (girl) and 11 (boy) at the time of our wedding next year. Is that too old for them to be our flower girl and ring bearer? If so, we don't really have anyone else in our family who could serve this role. Is it appropriate to go without in that case?

Thanks!

dawnp917 · March 2012

Flower girls and ring bearers are not required. If there are no young children that you feel close to then no need to have them. In terms of ages I don't think there Is an age limit. My FGs will be 8&9 and the RBs are 5,

mbcdefg · March 2012

There's no age limit - if the kid is comfortable doing it, then it's fine at any age. Ask them and see what they think.

But you don't NEED kids in the wedding, so if you're not close to these kids then you don't need to ask them. You don't need to ask people to participate just so a specific role is filled, or to get to a certain number ... like if he has 6 groomsmen and you only really want 3 girls as bridesmaids, you wouldn't have to find 3 more girls or cut 3 guys. You could have a guy attendant stand on your side, or you could have 3 bridesmaids and 0 groomsmen, or nobody at all.

There really aren't any rules, other than common sense stuff like treating everyone nicely and feeding your guests and making sure the marriage license is taken care of. Beyond that, you can pretty much do anything you want ... no Wedding Police are going to come after you based on the number of bridal party members or if your dress color matches your FI's shirt color.

Most weddings I've been to don't even have kids in it. Mine didn't, and I was SO glad not to have to worry about them all day. They really serve no purpose other than to look cute (FGs rarely drop petals anymore and RBs almost never carry the real rings).

Why do you want to include these kids? If it's, "We really want X and Y in the wedding, so what can they do?" I would ask them. If it's, "We need a FG and RB, so maybe X and Y would do it" then I probably wouldn't ask them.

britthitched · March 2012

Thanks for the input. To answer some of your questions, we are close with the kids and his brother's family. Even though they are HIS brother's children, they are also close with me, too. We really wanted to find a way to involve his brother's family, either with him being a goomsman or having the children involved, and we think he would be more appreciative and happy if we had the kids play a part.

I just wasn't sure if it seemed that they were told old, but I guess it makes the most sense to ask them personally. Our more traditional moms who don't know much about modern weddings have been saying, "well, maybe the kids are too old, and then they are a junior bridemaid and groomsman," but we don't want that. We will ask the kids if they feel comfortable with it.

Kate61487 · March 2012

I agree with PPs that they're only too old if THEY think it's a baby job.

But please don't ask them to be FG/RB and if/when they say they feel like they're too old not have them in the wedding at all. You're supposed to ask your wedding party to be involved because you love and care about them and want them with you - their titles should not affect that feeling at all, so if you actually want them in the WP ask them. but if it's FG/RB or nothing please don't.

SugarFoote · March 2012

I think most of the PPs have already said what I wanted to say. There is no age limit. At the time of our wedding, the FG will be 7ish and the RB will be in 4th or 5th grade. Both of them are extremely excited about being in the wedding, so maybe the children you want to ask will be too

tanyasuey · March 2012

Hey My Ring Bear is 8 months old .. Only becuase his mother is an honorary bridesmaid, she will be in the same dresses but will just carrier her son down. MY Flower girls are both 9 I personall wanted older kids so they would actually walk down the aisle normally not screaming and crying.

britthitched · March 2012

Thanks for all the great advice, ladies!

random4180 · March 2012

My flower girls are 5 and 8 and my ring bearer is 8 (nieces and nephew.) I don't think there's an age limit but they should want to be a part- as PPs said, if they consider it a baby job and would prefer to not do it, then they are old enough to opt out. And, that being said, they may also wish to opt out from any role other than guest and if that's the case, respect that as well. I actually asked the moms of the kids (both BMs) whether they think their kids would want to do it as I figured they might be able to gauge their child's reaction. That was helpful and might be something to consider doing as well.

gananoque · March 2012

The truth is that the title the kids have is basically irrelevant. Except to them. Cause they're kids. So silly things like that matter to them. At our wedding our 10 year-old niece was a Junior Brides Maid. She was the one who came up with the title for herself and she was sooooooooooo excited to have this role. I actually didn't have any BMs. Just my sis MOH and the niece JBM. It made no difference to me because I wanted to include her and she wanted to hold that title that made her feel very special and grown up.

So we called our nephews around her age "Junior Groomsmen" even though there were no regualr GMs. They LOVED it.

Include these kids in your wedding and give them the titles that will make them feel special. If Ringer Bearer and Flower Girl sound too babyish (which they might for kids this age depending on their individual maturity levels) then just call them JBM & JGM to make them happy and feel good!

mtbentley · March 2012

In Response to Re: Age for flower girl/ring bearer?:
[QUOTE]I agree with PPs that they're only too old if THEY think it's a baby job. But please don't ask them to be FG/RB and if/when they say they feel like they're too old not have them in the wedding at all. You're supposed to ask your wedding party to be involved because you love and care about them and want them with you - their titles should not affect that feeling at all, so if you actually want them in the WP ask them. but if it's FG/RB or nothing please don't.
Posted by Kate61487[/QUOTE]

I agree with this. I have a younger cousin who I was always very close to and I always wanted her to be a flower girl. She will be 9 at my wedding. My daughter will be 2 and will also be a flower girl (I know this is very young but it is important to us to have her incorporated). The 9 year old was excited to be a part of the wedding but not so much about having the same title as a 2 year old, so I "promoted" her to jr. bm and she is loving it.

dasni · March 2012

We wanted to include all of our nieces and nephews so they all have roles. Two of the boys will be under 5 so they're our ringbearers. His older nephew is 13 and will be an usher and will escort the grandmas.
My niece will be almost 9 and his will be 11. Since they are a little older, we asked them what they would prefer. My niece will be the FG and his niece is a junior bridesmaid.

KelaRenee · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_age-for-flower-girlring-bearer?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:3921d87c-cad5-4eda-bd39-310d0a083cfbPost:9506c554-ab13-4943-ba3c-cfad4da9dc48">Re: Age for flower girl/ring bearer?</a>:
[QUOTE]The sole purpose of kids in a wedding is Cuteness.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

I strongly disagree that the sole purpose of kids in a wedding is cuteness. My 5-year-old cousin is our flower girl and she absolutely ADORES my fiance. Her grandmother died a few months after FI moved in with me and she stayed with us for a few days then and absolutely fell in love with him. So of course we asked her to be our flower girl. She's thrilled that she gets to walk down the aisle to him.

kathleen.a.riley · March 2012

My Fiancee and I have 4 nieces and nephews, and then my godson and his sister (who are basically family as well) and there was no way that we could pick and choose who would be in (the older ones have been DYING for us to get married!) So the two older girls (who will be 12 and 10) will be Jr. Bridesmaids, the two older boys (who will both be 7) will be Jr. Groosmen, the 3 year old girl will be the flower girl, and her brother (who will be 5) will be the ring bearer! We aren't having a large adult bridal party, b/c to us it's more important to have all the kids in it. (And I thinkt hey'll be a lot more easy going on clothing choices than adults!) You're wedding party should be whose most important to you.

GreenEire · March 2012

My flower girls were 3 and 4 1/2. My ring bearer was 10. He had been ring bearer several times before and didn't mind doing it again. Had he been any older, we probably wouldn't have even bothered having a ring bearer.

Age for flower girl/ring bearer?

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