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Different faiths...which church?

kittyhawk03kittyhawk03
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in Wedding Customs & Traditions Forum
My boyfriend is catholic and I am lutheran. The church that I grew up in is an hour drive from where we live and have began to build our lives at. I might also want to mention that the town I grew up in has a population of 210. I would love to have our wedding there but I know that it's just not going to happen. We have a reception site picked out where we live at now...heck its where we work! So we dont want our families having to drive that far for the reception.

So long story short. Because we are not getting married in my church we either need to find another lurthern church here or getting married in his church... I dont want to convert and I'm not promising my children to the catholic church. No offense nothing against catholics I just dont want to go through the process and I'm statisfied with my religion.

How has anyone else delt with this? Any ideas?
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Re: Different faiths...which church?

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    cukimerrydollcukimerrydoll member
    First Comment
    If you want to stay Lutheran, find a church in your area that you want to attend.

    We're going the Catholic route... so that's really the only idea that I have.  But if you find a church you like where you live, then you still have options to go other times too.  Do you have any Lutheran friends in the area who would have some suggestions?
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    RevJudithRevJudith
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    Hello!

    This is always a difficult situation.  I recommend getting married in another location ie. outside and use a non-denominational officiant.  That way it's fair to both of you.  I always create a ceremony to meet the needs of both my bride and groom.  I make it as religious or non-religious as they request.

    Please feel free to contact me if I can answer any other questions for you.  Hope this helps!

    Best Wishes!
    rev. Judith Harper
    revjudith@unforgettablevows.com
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    kdqueen16kdqueen16 member
    First Comment
    Do you have to get married in a church? There are plenty of places that are beautiful for weddings.

     You are in a very tight situation. Both of you want opposite things. At this point I think it would be best to focus on what is more fair for both of you together rather than what one or the other wants and whose desire is more important. 

    I hope everything works out for you! Good luck! 
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    megk8ozmegk8oz member
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    FI is Buddhist and I'm Catholic.

    FI actually said when we first got engaged that if it was really important to me, we would have a Catholic wedding. The truth is, it was important to me, but to me it was more important for us to have a ceremony that wasn't just "for me". The ceremony is supposed to be for "us", so I wanted it to truly relfect both of our faiths.

    So we're getting married at a ceremony site our venue provides by an officiant that has offered to let us "customize" the ceremony to honor both of our beliefs. We opted against writing our own vows, but we are making sure that our ceremony includes both Catholic and Buddhist blessings.

    While it's not the exact same situation, is there any way the 2 of you could reach a similar compromise? Marriage is the joining of 2 lives, your ceremony (Which is what the day is really all about) should be something that you BOTH  love and feel comfortable with.

    Best Wishes!

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    JaimeePJaimeeP
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    If you want to get married in the Cahtolic church, you have to attend pre-cana (pre-marital counseling). Also, the Catholic church does not require that you 'give' them your children. If your Fi is not religious, you should probably get married in a Lutheran church.
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    handfast4mehandfast4me member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    An alternative to both, to keep it on "neutral ground" if you will, is to get married by a Unitarian Universalist Minister.  They are the most accepting of fellowships, welcoming of Christians (including both Catholic, and Lutheran), Buddhists, Agnostics, Atheists, Pagans, etc.  They will tailor the ceremony to fit your needs and wishes.
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    pandasquishypandasquishy member
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    I would also recommend having the ceremony at some "neutral ground," so not any church.  You can find an interdenominational minister to perform the ceremony.  

    Also, you mentioned that you have no interest in converting (I am Lutheran and I understand not wanting to convert to Catholicism) but is your FI open to becoming Lutheran?  My father "converted" from Methodist to Lutheran when he married my mother.  There is a lot of differences between the two faiths, so he would have to take those into consideration first.
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    MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    You need to have a conversation with your FI about the Catholic thing.  Unlike most other denominations, the Catholic Church does not recognize your marriage unless you are actually married in the Cahtolic church because it is a sacrament.  If your FI is a practicing Catholic, then this may be a deal breaker for him.  As a Catholic, if your marriage isn't recognized, it's the same as if you are living together without being married for the rest of your life, you cannot go to communion, etc. 

    If he's not practicing, then the non-denominational officiant on neutral ground sounds like the best option.
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    cukimerrydollcukimerrydoll member
    First Comment
    edited December 2009
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_different-faithswhich-church?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:1897c68e-58b3-4c03-9821-6600768c0496Post:8e35097a-7e82-4652-b05f-01e19f044322">Re: Different faiths...which church?</a>:
    [QUOTE]As far as I know, only one member of a couple has to be a confirmed Catholic to have a Wedding Mass.  I'm not sure on the children thing.  Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
    She's right about the children thing with Catholicism... we just went over that a few weeks ago - similar situation, except I'm Catholic and he's Lutheran.

    [QUOTE]You need to have a conversation with your FI about the Catholic thing.  Unlike most other denominations, the Catholic Church does not recognize your marriage unless you are actually married in the Cahtolic church because it is a sacrament.  If your FI is a practicing Catholic, then this may be a deal breaker for him.  As a Catholic, if your marriage isn't recognized, it's the same as if you are living together without being married for the rest of your life, you cannot go to communion, etc.  If he's not practicing, then the non-denominational officiant on neutral ground sounds like the best option.
    Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]
    Actually, that's really the one more conservative change since Vatican II.  All marriages are recognised by the Catholic church, even if they are under different terms than what Catholic weddings are based in.  In order to remarry in the Catholic church, your previous marriage must be anulled by the diocese.
    You cannot go to communion??  What??  I'm sorry, that one just isn't true, and honestly a little insulting.
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    MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    That's not true.  A catholic marriage is only considered valid if it was performed as a sacrament in the church.  This is why a couple would need to have their marriage convalidated if they were married outside of the church.  Under Vatican II, the church recognizes marriages of non-catholics outside of the church, thus the need for an annulment of a non-catholic partner.  If a catholic is married outside of the church for their first marriage, they don't have to have a true annullment, rather an annulment as to form, if they want a second marriage in the church.  (This is just a declaration that the first marriage wasn't actually a marriage b/c it was outside the church.)

    You are out of communion with the church if you are living in sin.  You aren't supposed to go to communion with that sin in your heart.  You can't go to confession if you continue to live in the same place.
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    cukimerrydollcukimerrydoll member
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_different-faithswhich-church?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:1897c68e-58b3-4c03-9821-6600768c0496Post:f2650fbd-95f9-48e7-9e19-a42f96475604">Re: Different faiths...which church?</a>:
    [QUOTE]That's not true.  A catholic marriage is only considered valid if it was performed as a sacrament in the church.  This is why a couple would need to have their marriage convalidated if they were married outside of the church.  Under Vatican II, the church recognizes marriages of non-catholics outside of the church, thus the need for an annulment of a non-catholic partner.  If a catholic is married outside of the church for their first marriage, they don't have to have a true annullment, rather an annulment as to form, if they want a second marriage in the church.  (This is just a declaration that the first marriage wasn't actually a marriage b/c it was outside the church.) You are out of communion with the church if you are living in sin.  You aren't supposed to go to communion with that sin in your heart.  You can't go to confession if you continue to live in the same place.
    Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

    It is actually up to the individual diocese how each wants to handle these issues, and generally, a diocese in the United States tends to be pretty liberal (this is a tendency, not an absolute).

    "Because Catholics believe that the celebration of the Eucharist is a sign of the reality of the oneness of faith, life, and worship, members of those churches with whom we are not yet fully united are ordinarily not admitted to Communion. Eucharistic sharing in exceptional circumstances by other Christians requires permission according to the directives of the diocesan bishop and the provisions of canon law. . . . "
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    AnneMargaretAnneMargaret member
    First Comment
    MyNameIsNot is right - if you don't get married in the Catholic church and/or you don't have it blessed by a Catholic priest, then your FI should not receive communion.  No one is going to be "policing" the Eucharist and physically not let him, but it does go against Catholic teaching.  This is something that ya'll need to talk to his priest and your minister about.
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    MeegePVchickMeegePVchick member
    First Comment
    Many Catholic Churches will not even consider marrying you unless you are both practicing members of their church.. I am experiencing this right now, I am being told that even though my mom is a member of the church (the church where I grew up, made all my sacraments up till now!) I have been told we can't get married there.  And for a full Catholic Mass both people must be full Catholics- my FI was Baptized as a child and is going through RCIA now so we can have a full mass.  We also have to do 9 months of Pre Canna.
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    cukimerrydollcukimerrydoll member
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_different-faithswhich-church?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:1897c68e-58b3-4c03-9821-6600768c0496Post:55da5bbe-fe3f-4742-a066-e60a7f24321f">Re: Different faiths...which church?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Many Catholic Churches will not even consider marrying you unless you are both practicing members of their church.. I am experiencing this right now, I am being told that even though my mom is a member of the church (the church where I grew up, made all my sacraments up till now!) I have been told we can't get married there.  And for a full Catholic Mass both people must be full Catholics- my FI was Baptized as a child and is going through RCIA now so we can have a full mass.  We also have to do 9 months of Pre Canna.
    Posted by MeegePVchick[/QUOTE]

    Wow.  That's interesting.  My FI isn't Catholic either, and they're letting us do the full mass.
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    princessbeboprincessbebo member
    First Comment

    I am in the same boat - I am Lutheran and he is Catholic.  We are getting married in my Lutheran chuch by my Lutheran pastor.  Our ceremony will be recognized by the Catholic church and there will not be a Catholic priest there.  We are doing the pre cana through his Catholic church and have to jump through a few extra hoops (I believe it's called a Dispensation)

    Luckily my church is accepting the Catholic pre cana (he said it would be more intense than anything we Lutherans would do!)  My pastor also said he was willing to share the ceremony with a Catholic priest had it been a requirement. 

    As far as your concern about kids - I'm sure that is something you've discussed with your FI. My FI had to read a statement that said he will do his best to raise our kids Catholic but we had already discussed what we want to do about that.

    I hope this helps!  I agree with whoever said it is most likely up to the specific church/diocese that you are dealing with.

    Good luck!! It's a tricky situation!

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