Mother of the Groom - where do I stand?

loriebradford · October 2012

I just read the "responsibilites" of the mother of the groom, and agree with them. I have offered to purchase invitations and the cake as well. The bride seems to be "holding me at bay". Should I just back off?

pesematology · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-of-the-groom-where-do-i-stand?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9088e879-ed7a-4b8e-b9aa-f023b91a46ecPost:22c79b1d-7749-4b88-90da-d21dc42d8402">Mother of the Groom - where do I stand?</a>:
[QUOTE]I just read the "responsibilites" of the mother of the groom, and agree with them. I have offered to purchase invitations and the cake as well. The bride seems to be "holding me at bay". Should I just back off?
Posted by loriebradford[/QUOTE]

Probably at least a little, and at least for now. You might ask her to let you know when she's ready to pick out those things, and offer your help when she's at that stage.

saric83 · October 2012

All you can do is offer and let it go if they choose not to take you up on it. There could be tons of reasons that she's "holding you at bay" (what exactly is she doing?), bu my guess is that perhaps they want to do invitations without input from others, which usually comes along the funds. And for the cake, I assume if they haven't done invitations yet, they're no where near ready to do the cake. So just wait it out and offer your help when/if it comes up appropriately.

kmmssg · October 2012

Welcome to the boards! I am a MOB and I will encourage you to do this: make sure they know there are no strings attached to your offer. Many brides come here complaining (rightfully so) about that.

Make sure your son and his fiance know what your budget is and that they are free to choose whatever cake and invitations they like. There are times when parents offer money but they insist on control of the guest list, control of invitations, control, control, control. We always tell those brides to refuse the money and pay for their own wedding so they can have their wedding rather than the wedding their parents want.

When I helped (we paid) my stepdd plan her wedding 3 1/2 years ago I was fiercely protective of their wedding vision and what they wanted their wedding to be. At the end of the evening, they both came over and thanked me for making sure their wedding was exactly what they envisioned. Best compliment I ever got.

If they know your offer comes with no strings, no control, and no request for a boatload of strangers on the guest list, I'll be it will be quite welcome.

I also encourage you to read the board here. These girls have taught me so much over the years. I hope you find it helpful.

calliopeia2013 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-of-the-groom-where-do-i-stand?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9088e879-ed7a-4b8e-b9aa-f023b91a46ecPost:22c79b1d-7749-4b88-90da-d21dc42d8402">Mother of the Groom - where do I stand?</a>:
[QUOTE]I just read the "responsibilites" of the mother of the groom, and agree with them. I have offered to purchase invitations and the cake as well. The bride seems to be "holding me at bay". Should I just back off?
Posted by loriebradford[/QUOTE]

Probably? I mean, it's very nice of you to offer, but is there a reason you can't just leave the offer open and let the bride take you up on it - or not - when she's ready?

pink34562000 · October 2012

It was very nice of you to offer to pay for the invitations and the cake. Your FDIL may not be ready to make those decisions yet.

From personal experience, on the second day of our engagement, my MIL asked me so many questions about what venue I'm picking, what's my budget, who is in my wedding, etc. Then, she told me not to get married in certain years and handed me a guest list. Even though these are very important questions and concerns, it was overwhelming for me to answer any questions, decide on a date and numbers of guests because I had only been engaged for two days.

You have put the offer on the table. Please make sure that your son and FDIL know that they can pick out any (reasonably priced) cake or invitations with no strings attached. Many brides will share negative experiences about how they accepted money from family and regret the drama that comes with it.

twotimemob · October 2012

It's great that you offered to buy the cake and invitations. However, just be aware of the fact that these things may cost more than you expect. The cake for my daughter's wedding, for 150 people was $600, and that was after shopping around to get the best value. My mother had offered to buy the cake but had no clue how much it would be, and she about had a heart attack, so we split the cost with her. Invitations can cost quite a bit too.

OliveOilsMom · October 2012

Ditto Retread and kmmssg.

If your planner is correct and the wedding is 3/30/13, there is some time to go on the cake and invitations. If you would like to give money with no strings or say. I would write a check for the B&G and tell them to use as they wish for the wedding. The bride may be more receptive to that, if she knows that she can keep the wedding 100% her vision. Your offer is very generous and they should be appreciative of the offer.

MairePoppy · October 2012

Another MOB, here. Welcome to the boards.

It's very nice that you want to help with the wedding. I know this is an exciting time for your family as well as the bride's.

I'm asking this because you say you agree with the traditional responsibilities of the parents: Are the bride's parents paying for the reception? If they are, they will probably want to choose the invitations and their names would appear as hosts of the wedding. That might be why your FDIL hasn't enthusiastically accepted your offer.

I agree with retread that tradition went out the window a long, long time ago. Many couples pay for their own weddings, sometimes with the help of the parents. In our case, we gave our daughter and FSIL a generous check toward their wedding budget. His parents also sent $$. The bride and groom are making up the difference. We, the parents, have stayed in the background, while the couple has happily planned their dream wedding - which is less than two weeks away.

TwoTimeMob gave you smart advice. Price up invitations, wedding cake, flowers before you offer to pay for specific items. Cake prices range from $4 - $12 a slice (and more) around here. Or better yet, give them whatever you can afford as a wedding gift, no strings attached. Let your son and FDIL know that you are available, if they would like help picking out the cake, invitations etc...

*edited for clarity

Mother of the Groom - where do I stand?

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