Questions...Kinda long sorry!

Re: Questions...Kinda long sorry!

• Riss91 member

  

  February 2012

  Hello and welcome!
  
  1) Some parishes are more strict with dress code than others. If your parish requries your shoulders to be covered, you could always get a bolero/jacket/shawl for the ceremony that you can remove for later.
  
  2) Many parishes do not track donations. You will have to meet with the priest and discuss your situation. At most, you may be charged a non-parishoner fee for the ceremony.
  
  3) NFP is also used to GET pregnant, so if a couple using NFP gets pregnant, that can sometimes mean they were trying to get pregnant. We have been using NFP to avoid for the past 2 years, as my husband was struggling to find work. Using birth control pills for medical reasons is acceptable, but there are very few medical reasons that are valid. NFP can be a better method in treating most medical conditions that are typically treated with pills.
  
  When used properly, NFP is exactly as effective as any pill or other method. Plus, it is safer, cheaper and more healthy. Typically, when it "fails" it is due to user-error, where a couple isn't following the method (and usually they are aware that they aren't being "careful").
  
  The Church's stance is that you should not be using a pill (except for extremely rare circumstances). A priest will likely advise you accordingly. Most priests will ask that you live "as brother and sister" until your wedding. That means separate beds, abstinence. He will also advise you to regularly attend mass. I'm sure you're already prepared for that.
  
  You have to think and pray over your decisions. It doesn't matter what people here think. You will have to answer to Him. We are all sinners. We all try to live according to the faith but we sin. We have to continually try to correct our behavior and do what is right. So, it really comes down to what you're willing to do.
  
  Many ladies here have gone through these situations, so definitely stick around and do not be afraid of asking for help, guidance and support.

  
  

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• professorscience member

  

  February 2012

  Riss said it perfectly, but I wanted to add that you should definitely not feel "funny" for living in a circumstance that is not ideal.  A priest would advise you to abstain from sex (you said you are using the pill for BC, so I am assuming you and your FI are currently active -- apologies if you are not) and probably to live "as brother and sister" to better prepare yourselves for marriage.  It seems silly, but it really does wonders for strengthening your relationship.  My husband and I did our best to abstain while we were dating/engaged.  Occasionally we would slip up, because we are human.  We also lived separately, even though it would have been prudent to live together.  We lived in the same complex, though, so H would often stay over at my apartment, and when he did, we slept in separate rooms.  It was weird at first, but after we were married, there was something so much more "real" to that first night of living together.
  
  And to echo what she said about NFP, any form of birth control has the potential for failure if it is misused.  I would really encourage you to take an NFP class to get to know your body and the beauty of your fertility.

  

  
  

  
  

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• agapecarrie member

  

  February 2012

  Just to correct some terminology so there isn't misunderstanding.
  
  You said you're not following "canon law". What you are actually talking about here is doctrine--- real Catholic teaching in faith and morals that doesn't change with time.
  
  Canon law is discipline in how the sacraments are practiced, etc.
  
  The reason I'm correcting this is because often times people tend to think less of some of the teachings of the church, as if its all arbitrary, when actually it has some real meaning and meat to it. God is only offended by things we do that harm ourselves. I suggest reading "Good news about sex and marriage" and "Theology of the body for beginnnes"...both by Christopher West.

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• katy0990 member

  

  February 2012

  Thanks! I am open to living as brother and sister. I was raised in the church and I completely understand the reasons for abstaining. In a way I feel guilty for living together because of my upbringing. However, FI has been the only support through my parents divorce, school, work, and evrything over the past 3 years. neither of us can afford to live on our own so I hope we are not judged for that.
  I will look into taking the NFP class. It just concerns me because I want to wait to have a child until we can afford one. I did not know it was that effective. All I know is how I was an "accident" which was pointed out every time I made a mistake. So, i guess it is a sore topic for me. But, I will look past that. I will look into those books as well. Thanks for your support. I really appreciate it.

  

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• Riss91 member

  

  February 2012

  I think there are many people out there that truly do not understand NFP and there are unreliable methods (like the Rhythm Method, which is NOT NFP) that people associate with NFP, giving it a bad name.
  
  I know more than a handful of couples (including my parents) that had "accidents" using non-NFP methods. My parents preferred the term "surprise".
  
  The wonderful thing about NFP is that YOU are in control. You know exactly what is happening with your body at any given moment. When you take a pill, you hope/assume that the chemicals are "doing their job" but you really can't be certain. And since the pills mess up your cycle, you can't make informed decisions based on where you are in your cycle.
  
  As for living together - I think the intent behind it, and the effort you put forth to living according to the Church is much more important. If you're truly doing everything you can, and your intent is good, you're way ahead of the game in many ways.
  

  
  

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• newlyseliski member

  

  February 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_questionskinda-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:615Discussion:fe4e703f-2fde-40e4-9815-76118e613925Post:a2d2bcd2-c41f-4ea8-a53a-645aeea3ab14">Re: Questions...Kinda long sorry!</a>:
  [QUOTE] It just concerns me because I want to wait to have a child until we can afford one. I did not know it was that effective. All I know is how I was an "accident" which was pointed out every time I made a mistake. So, i guess it is a sore topic for me. But, I will look past that. I will look into those books as well. Thanks for your support. I really appreciate it.
  Posted by katy0990[/QUOTE]
  
  This breaks my heart... so sorry you had to hear this from your parents!!
  
  On another note, congrats on your engagement and welcome to the board :)  I'd say that Riss pretty much covered everything!  If you'd be open to learning NFP, the ladies on here are fantastic resources for the transition from BC to 100% charting.  I was on the pill for about a year in high school for medical reasons as well (PCOS) and my mom and I worked through the process of finding a physician who would treat my condition without birth control.  It's definitely worth the trouble to seek out alternatives!  My husband and I have been using the Creighton NFP method since we were married to avoid pregnancy until my husband is finished with school... 9 months and counting.  I found a great NFP physician who has been phenomenal at working with my PCOS and other conditions so that I can be healthy when we start TTC soon!
  
  Another great resource is the "Living the Sacrament" website and forum for Catholic NFP users.

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• professorscience member

  

  February 2012

  The great thing about learning NFP is that you can easily predict the times when you should not have sex if you are wanting to avoid conception.  In that case, the only "risk" is that you and your husband will not want to wait.  In that case, it's not an "oops!" baby, it's an, "Oh, what the heck!" baby.
  
  Also, welcome to the board!  This has been such a great place for me to learn about marriage and Catholic teaching!

  

  
  

  
  

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• lalaith50 member

  

  February 2012

  Everyone else has answered your questions so well, so I'm just going to add encouragement to not use BC to just "cover up" whatever your medical symptoms were that put you on it originally.

  
  

  I have a friend who recently told me that she went on BC at age 16 for serious medical reasons, then at age 17 she experienced symptoms that she now describes as "menopausal." I think she would be a classic example of someone for whom doctor's just prescribed BC without trying to figure out what was really wrong. Obviously, a 17 year old should not be going through menopause, and now that she and her husband are trying to get pregnant, and after carefully charting for a few months, they have realized that it will be just about impossible, or at least require a miracle, for her to ever conceive. It just breaks my heart, because what if her issue could have been solved back when she was 16? (She is now seeing a Napro doctor I think, so prayers for her would be appreciated!)

  

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• katy0990 member

  

  February 2012

  @newlyseliski thanks:) If I am being honest my mother is a huge part of me being uncomfortable with the church. She is in mass several times a week and yet she treats the people around her terribly. For awhile there it really turned me off because I hated having religion thrown in my face by someone who treats others around her so poorly. But, I am trying to move past it
  @ Lalaith I am so sorry for your friend. I will definately keep her in my prayers.
  
  Ladies, Thank you so much. I have not done much research and I thought NFP was still the rhythm method. Looks like I need to get those books soon.

  

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• TeaForMe member

  

  February 2012

  In that case, it's not an "oops!" baby, it's an, "Oh, what the heck!" baby.
  
  Ha! This is great And will use that if ever necessary in the future
  

  
  
  

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• katy0990 member

  

  March 2012

  I liked that description too

  

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• bibliophile2010 member

  

  March 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_questionskinda-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:fe4e703f-2fde-40e4-9815-76118e613925Post:66f2080e-262c-421c-a3e6-a55dffc8ad1e">Re: Questions...Kinda long sorry!</a>:
  [QUOTE]In that case, it's not an "oops!" baby, it's an, "Oh, what the heck!" baby. Ha! This is great :) And will use that if ever necessary in the future :)
  Posted by TeaForMe[/QUOTE]
  
  I also like it.
  
  I've also heard, "We had 4 planned pregnancies and 1 anticipated surprise."
  
  Katy -- welcome! Please stick around and get to know all of us. And read up on NFP; it really is an amazing blessing to many of the ladies here. :)

  

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• agapecarrie member

  

  March 2012

  Just to clarify a bit:
  
  Rhythm method is referring to a calendar method. You keep track of dates only so you estimate where observation is. This can only work for people with regular cycles.
  The problem here is a God-designed stress sensor in ovulation. Ovulation can shut down if one is under stress--- so one doesn't conceive while under stress. But then ovulation can occur later.
  
  Modern methods of NFP (creighton, Sympto-thermal, billings, marquette) are SYMPTOM based. This means that you watch your symptoms change through your cycle so you know exactly where you are every single day. You learn how to observe your own symptoms accurately, and with certain methods, even find actual fertility problems you didn't know you had. (happened to me). Certain signs can point to low progesterone...which could lead to miscarriage. If you're not charting, you might not know this.
  
  

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• katy0990 member

  

  March 2012

  Thanks so much for the info!

  

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