A BM & I have drifted apart. What to do!?

vs0330 · October 2010

When I got engaged a year ago, I already knew who I wanted to include in my bridal party: my 2 sisters, my sister-in-law & 2 of my best friends. I'm getting married in a month & now I have a dilemma! About 7 months ago, there was a fight between my 2 best friends. I sort of got stuck in the middle and drifted apart from one of my friends (bridesmaid) that I had very much considered making my maid of honor. We were inseparable! Talked on the phone everyday, had never had a fight in the 5 1/2 years of our friendship… she was my partner in crime. Unfortunately, we didn't speak for 2 months after the incident happened but I never thought about removing her from my bridal party because I was certain we would work things out on time for the wedding. Well… we've tried getting together & talking… basically, trying to make it what it use to be but in almost 4 months of attempting it, it is still very awkward when we talk. I don't like the person she became in only the 2 months we stopped talking. I have seriously considered removing her from my bridal party & replacing her with another close friend of mine. The problem is that even though I know things will never be the same between her & I, I can't seem to let go of what use to be. Its like I keep hoping that things will magically get better but now my wedding is one month away & I don't see that happening.

What do I do? I know that removing her from my bridal party is pretty much ending our friendship, but deep down inside, I know that things will never be the same or even come close to what they use to be… no matter how hard I try to hold onto the past. This has been the worst stress I've had to deal with throughout the whole wedding process! AND to add on… 1) she hates my other bridesmaid to the point where she doesn't want to have to deal with her. 2) She hasn't paid me back for the bridesmaid dress which I paid for so that the orders could come in together 3) she hasn't taken part in any of the wedding planning/events (including bachelorette party although my sister-in-law & friend -who she now hates- contacted her directly to let her know about the bachelorette planning) & lastly, my fiancee no longer likes her. OH BOY! What a headache!

Belle2Be · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-drifted-apart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:f656be93-b63e-411c-815b-ffc269376246Post:a26a8cf1-bb6a-4f9a-a6a7-935d8d4f3528">A BM & I have drifted apart. What to do!?</a>:
[QUOTE]When I got engaged a year ago, I already knew who I wanted to include in my bridal party: my 2 sisters, my sister-in-law & 2 of my best friends. I'm getting married in a month & now I have a dilemma! About 7 months ago, there was a fight between my 2 best friends. I sort of got stuck in the middle and drifted apart from one of my friends (bridesmaid) that I had very much considered making my maid of honor. We were inseparable! Talked on the phone everyday, had never had a fight in the 5 1/2 years of our friendship… she was my partner in crime. Unfortunately, we didn't speak for 2 months after the incident happened but I never thought about removing her from my bridal party because I was certain we would work things out on time for the wedding. Well… we've tried getting together & talking… basically, trying to make it what it use to be but in almost 4 months of attempting it, it is still very awkward when we talk. I don't like the person she became in only the 2 months we stopped talking. I have seriously considered removing her from my bridal party & replacing her with another close friend of mine. The problem is that even though I know things will never be the same between her & I, I can't seem to let go of what use to be. Its like I keep hoping that things will magically get better but now my wedding is one month away & I don't see that happening. What do I do? I know that removing her from my bridal party is pretty much ending our friendship, but deep down inside, I know that things will never be the same or even come close to what they use to be… no matter how hard I try to hold onto the past. This has been the worst stress I've had to deal with throughout the whole wedding process! AND to add on… 1) she hates my other bridesmaid to the point where she doesn't want to have to deal with her. 2) She hasn't paid me back for the bridesmaid dress which I paid for so that the orders could come in together 3) she hasn't taken part in any of the wedding planning/events (including bachelorette party although my sister-in-law & friend -who she now hates- contacted her directly to let her know about the bachelorette planning) & lastly, my fiancee no longer likes her. OH BOY! What a headache!
Posted by vs0330[/QUOTE]

If you are fine with not being her friend, then remove her and be done with it. She doesn't need to be involved with any part of the wedding except standing up for you at the ceremony.
Don't replace her if you do decide to ditch her. And please don't let your fiance dictate who your friends are, it's not healthy.

vs0330 · October 2010

I probably shouldn't have included the fiancee part. He's actually been very supportive regardless of his feelings towards her. He has not asked me to stop speaking to her or remove her… but his personal feelings towards her are pretty clear.

I think my biggest problem is that I don't know if I'm ready to completely let go of our friendship. We haven't spoken in weeks now and I got a call from her this weekend asking if she was still in the wedding party. I told her that she has alienated herself entirely from anything that had to do with the wedding & that when I tried contacting her for the bridesmaid dress fitting, she has flat out told me that if my other friend was going, that they would have to go in separate cars because she did not want to see her. She told me this when she it had previously been clear that I would be the one picking both of them up & driving to the store. Honestly… that might very well be my biggest dilemma… to see how selfish she's been throughout the whole process because of her feelings towards another one of the bridesmaid. I have planned this wedding all on my own. I don't need the help but I honestly feel that a phone call asking if I needed help or at least to see how the planning was going would have been nice. I never received that from her. It just sucks because I know that before the fallout that occurred 7 months ago, she would have been the #1 person helping me throughout the process

Additionally, my fiancee has 6 groomsmen and removing her would leave me with 5 bridesmaids… I can't ask my fiancee to remove a groomsmen because of the drama going on with my BM. How can I go about having 5 girls & 6 guys?

tldh · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-drifted-apart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:f656be93-b63e-411c-815b-ffc269376246Post:d7d3019f-7975-4570-8e68-df43f24968f3">Re: A BM & I have drifted apart. What to do!?</a>:
[QUOTE]I probably shouldn't have included the fiancee part. He's actually been very supportive regardless of his feelings towards her. He has not asked me to stop speaking to her or remove her… but his personal feelings towards her are pretty clear. I think my biggest problem is that I don't know if I'm ready to completely let go of our friendship. We haven't spoken in weeks now and I got a call from her this weekend asking if she was still in the wedding party. I told her that she has alienated herself entirely from anything that had to do with the wedding & that when I tried contacting her for the bridesmaid dress fitting, she has flat out told me that if my other friend was going, that they would have to go in separate cars because she did not want to see her. She told me this when she it had previously been clear that I would be the one picking both of them up & driving to the store. Honestly… that might very well be my biggest dilemma… to see how selfish she's been throughout the whole process because of her feelings towards another one of the bridesmaid. I have planned this wedding all on my own. I don't need the help but I honestly feel that a phone call asking if I needed help or at least to see how the planning was going would have been nice. I never received that from her. It just sucks because I know that before the fallout that occurred 7 months ago, she would have been the #1 person helping me throughout the process Additionally, my fiancee has 6 groomsmen and removing her would leave me with 5 bridesmaids… I can't ask my fiancee to remove a groomsmen because of the drama going on with my BM. <strong>How can I go about having 5 girls & 6 guys?
</strong>Posted by vs0330[/QUOTE]

Very easily. Uneven sides are no big deal.

As for the rest of it, I think you and your friend need to meet for coffee, lunch, dinner, a pretzel on the street...anything that will give you a chance to talk. There's a lot that needs to be discussed and these sorts of discussions need to take place in person,

And ditto Belle - do not replace her if she decides to not be in the wedding.

Belle2Be · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-drifted-apart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:f656be93-b63e-411c-815b-ffc269376246Post:d7d3019f-7975-4570-8e68-df43f24968f3">Re: A BM & I have drifted apart. What to do!?</a>:
[QUOTE]I probably shouldn't have included the fiancee part. He's actually been very supportive regardless of his feelings towards her. He has not asked me to stop speaking to her or remove her… but his personal feelings towards her are pretty clear. I think my biggest problem is that I don't know if I'm ready to completely let go of our friendship. We haven't spoken in weeks now and I got a call from her this weekend asking if she was still in the wedding party. I told her that she has alienated herself entirely from anything that had to do with the wedding & that when I tried contacting her for the bridesmaid dress fitting, she has flat out told me that if my other friend was going, that they would have to go in separate cars because she did not want to see her. She told me this when she it had previously been clear that I would be the one picking both of them up & driving to the store. Honestly… that might very well be my biggest dilemma… to see how selfish she's been throughout the whole process because of her feelings towards another one of the bridesmaid. I have planned this wedding all on my own. I don't need the help but I honestly feel that a phone call asking if I needed help or at least to see how the planning was going would have been nice. I never received that from her. It just sucks because I know that before the fallout that occurred 7 months ago, she would have been the #1 person helping me throughout the process Additionally, my fiancee has 6 groomsmen and removing her would leave me with 5 bridesmaids… I can't ask my fiancee to remove a groomsmen because of the drama going on with my BM. How can I go about having 5 girls & 6 guys?
Posted by vs0330[/QUOTE]

Thats good that he's supportive.
People change. You need to figure out what is really between you two, because chances are the fight between the bridesmaids is the elephant in the room, and she might feel you've chosen a side. Which, since you didn't talk to her for awhile, it seems like you did. Me personally, I wouldn't end a friendship over a party. Seems pretty silly to me.
Is what happened between the 2 Bm's really that serious? Maybe the 3 of you need to have a sit down and figure out what your next move is, be it ending the friendship or getting over what happened, together.
Again, I don't know what went down between them, but if one doesn't want to be in the same car as the other, then let them drive their own cars. The whole thing seems a bit childish, I think you need to take a step back and look at it without the wedding involved, it seems to be skewing your big picture., which (from what it sounds like) that you 3 used to be best friends, something cam between 2 of them and now 1 has lost both of you.Its really no wonder she hasn't been super there for you.

Beachy730 · October 2010

So did you give her an answer when she asked if she was still a BM?

Obviously we don't know the entire situation, but from what you're saying, it sounds like you do not want to lose her as a friend. As if you kick her out of your wedding that is very likely what will happen. She doens't need to participate in any of your pre-wedding events, and if she doesn't get along with the other BM its probably better that she didn't. Ask her to lunch, and try to work something out. There may be no use trying to fix what happened in the past, and I suggest just moving on. My closest GF and I have gone 2 years at one point without talking because of the differences going on in our lives, but we aren't bitter about that, and are just as good of friends now as we were before that.

If you are hesitant about losing a friend, then do not kick her out. If she decides not to come, then she has taken herself out of the wedding. It is perfectly fine to have uneven sides. If you are worried about how they would walk in, either have 2 GMs with 1 BM, or just have the GMs stand at the front with H and the BMs walk in alone. Whatever you do, DO NOT REPLACE HER. How would you feel to be the replacement girl asked a month before the wedding, asked purely for aesthetic reasons?

bablingbrooke · October 2010

Do what you would do if there were no wedding involved and you didn't want to end the friendship: Try to reconnect. Sometimes you can, sometimes a friendship has run its course.

My BFF is in your shoes. She's getting married next year and a mutual friend and I are BMs. The mutual friend has not changed since we were college roommates 6 1/2 years ago, and my BFF and I are in a very different place in life. We all got together this past weekend for the first time since my wedding a year ago and it was very clear by the end of the weekend that the friendship just isn't what it used to be. Is she crying to me that this friend has to go from the wedding? Absolutely not! It's not even a question. She actually said, "Even if I never see her again after the wedding, I want her there as a BM. We've been friends for too long and have too many good years behind us to let it end that way." I think it's the right attitude

Is she disappointed that it's going this way? Of course. But she also isn't focused on how it impacts the wedding. She's focused on how this impacts their friendship and their lives.

vs0330 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-drifted-apart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:f656be93-b63e-411c-815b-ffc269376246Post:6bc6d298-8252-4476-a6d6-b48528e17d62">Re: A BM & I have drifted apart. What to do!?</a>:
[QUOTE] Then your biggest mistake ever would be booting her from your wedding party. You're in the midst of a lot of life changes right now. Get married, with her still as a bridesmaid. Enjoy your wedding, enjoy your honeymoon, come back and THEN sit down with her and figure out if your relationship is reparable. Yes, it'd have been nice, but it's not required……… Seriously, I don't even think you should deal with it now. Have her in the wedding, and then come back and deal with your friendship when you haven't got "wedding brain." It's better that way.
Posted by LD1970[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I think this sounds like a great plan! We have a great past & although everyone else tells me that I shouldn't live in the past but rather, I should be living in the present and take a look at the people who have surrounded me now… The past is what is keeping my tied to her. I don't want to lose her as a friend, but I almost feel like I already have. I'll deal with it when I get back from the honeymoon and am feeling much more relaxed!</div><div>
</div><div>We didn't get to finish our conversation because she had to let me go (work), I'm going to call her tomorrow & speak to her. All that I am going to ask of her is that she put her differences aside temporarily until after the wedding. Thank you!</div>

vs0330 · October 2010

And to all: The incident that happened 7 months ago seriously was NOT a big deal. She was honestly very intoxicated and seems to have unclear ideas of what happened that night. I didn't want to take sides, but she was upset at absolutely everyone that night & sadly, it just ended up becoming a bigger issue than it had to be.

I don't need these 2 girls to be friends… I just need them to be cordial on the day of the wedding. I am most concerned of the friendship that she & I currently have,

lalap69 · October 2010

I think Brooke made a great point in sharing her friend's situation. Maybe you should adopt her perspective.

If there's any hope that you could regain the friendship, I think you should keep trying. And it sounds to me like there is. You have a history with this girl. I would keep trying.

deepcovejackie · October 2010

Think of it as a friend problem, not a wedding problem. Let that guide what you do. As pp's have said, don't kick her out, and don't pick a "replacement" BM. That will just make you look bad and the replacement feel like second choice.

superheroprincess · October 2010

Just because your friends are fighting now, doesn't mean that one day they/you won't become friends again. If that happens, your friendship might take longer to recover because you kicked her out of your wedding party. A friend of mine once kicked out a BM and it made for very akward times when everyone else became friends again and we hosted parties and couldn't invite her (the one who kicked out the BM) because they hated each other.

When I was in high school, I drifted apart from all of my best friends due to different issues. One moved away, one turned to heavy drugs, one started a bunch of rumours about all of us... there were fist fights and all (not including myself but some of the others)
Now we're all friends again, even though it took a while. I'm not sure what your age is, but if you're still young, you might just be at different parts of your life. Maybe she'll catch up one day and you'll become friends again... Trust me I NEVER thought I would be friends with my high school friends after the way we left off but now we're closer than ever.

I would do as the others have suggested and have a face to face talk with her. Talking on the phone is not enough. I think she might feel as though you've taken the other friends side and is upset about it. I would sit her down just the two of you and talk, and then schedule a time to talk with the other friend. Most of the time that can solve things.

vs0330 · November 2010

I don't think she's "weddinged out". Sadly, I've been one of those procrastinating brides who left everything to the last 4 months (with the exception of banquet hall, church & dress). She basically missed EVERYTHING that had to do with the wedding. The day I found my dress, she left me waiting for her & was a no-show. We still had not had this huge fall out... she just never showed because she took 5 hours to get ready & by the time she called me, we had already left the bridal shop.

By the way, I'm 24 years old... and yes, I do believe that we are at different stages of our lives. Unfortunately, my wedding is in a week and we still have not spoken. Looks like I'll be having a bridesmaid walk down the aisle with 2 groomsmen....

Thank you all for your words of wisdom! Unfortunately our friendship wasn't as strong as I had thought (or hoped).

bablingbrooke · November 2010

That's a huge disappointment and I'm truly sorry for that. It sucks that the friendship is falling apart at a time like this. But I do want to commend you for your attitude--it's the best thing you can do, and I think you'll still have an amazing time at your wedding. Good luck!

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