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Mother in Law

tdhupptdhupp
First Comment
in Moms and Maids
I think I just need a to vent a bit, and maybe gain some perspective. Let me first say, my fiance and I are having a very small ceremony then a cocktail party reception on a Friday. The reason why we picked Friday is because it is our 5 year anniversary of dating. It just seemed right. 
Anyway, we are paying for everything ourselves.  My MIL is not happy with our wedding planning so far because it is not some HUGE fancy wedding. Since she is very traditional, she insists that we do a rehearsal dinner, because she read in some book that is what she is supposed to pay for. She will NOT let it go even though we are not even having a rehearsal. We decided since the wedding was on Friday, and we aren't even doing a rehearsal, that she could have her dinner on Saturday. But after some thought, it seems so silly to have a dinner on Sat AFTER the wedding. She wants it to be nice. And honestly, I am a bit afraid it will upscale our low key reception. I have suggested a brunch on Saturday morning after the wedding. It would be perfect because people can check out of their hotels then come have brunch before leaving town. She won't go for it.
This is just one issue with this whole silly dinner. She wants to send invitations for it. Which, I don't mind, but I would like them to go out in our wedding invitations, so people don't get confused. She is pretty much refusing to work with me about it. I told her I want all wedding correspondence to come in one envelope from one address. I even went as far as saying, she can buy them, fill them out, and stuff them, then mail them to me and I would just stuff them into our invitations. She simply refuses. She says she wants to send out HER invitations. I really don't know what to do with her! Help me ladies! 
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Re: Mother in Law

  • marissa_clairemarissa_claire member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Why doesn't she host a brunch the next day instead?  That's a fairly common tradition to have a day-after breakfast or brunch for people packing up and hitting the road.  If she's insistent on hosting a dinner, I would just be graceful and let it go.  I think you're getting hung up on the rehearsal issue, but it sounds like she is too, so  maybe find a middleground and allow her to host another meal in your honor.
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  • tdhupptdhupp
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I have no issue with her hosting some meal in our honor. Honestly, I would prefer her just put the money she would spend in doing a dinner into our reception, but I know that isn't going to happen. I am trying to get some middle ground, something we both can somewhat agree on, but I feel like she isn't willing to budge at all. 
    I spoke with my mother about MIL doing a dinner on Saturday, and she flat out told me, most of my family probably won't attend. My family  lives only an hour away, while MIL and family live almost 8 hours away. I do not want my family to feel obligated to drive back into town on Saturday for a dinner. I want them to attend, but I want something convenient for them.
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  • sarah42ndsarah42nd member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Have you suggested to your MIL that alot of people won't be in town on Saturday night or want to get another hotel room.
    Anniversary
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  • tdhupptdhupp
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Yep. That was my explanation behind doing a brunch Saturday. She said she wants to do a nice dinner. 
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  • marissa_clairemarissa_claire member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    If no one will attend, I would let that be her problem.  You can kindly explain to her that not many people will be there if she insists on having it her way, but that if she wants to send invites and host it so be it.  It won't reflect on you so I wouldn't stress about it.  Has your FI talked to her about this yet?  
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  • bellaxanthebellaxanthe member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I am willing to bet that she want's control of the invites because there are going to be a whole pile of people not invited to the wedding that she is  going to add to the list. Like PP I would try and find middle ground, but if she insists on it being a dinner event - it will be her issue if no one comes.

    I'm having a Friday wedding with a dinner on Thursday. Very few of my OOT will be there and it will only have a mini rehersal. Just a what time to be where sort of thing, then  a casual dinner. Only doing it because the MIL wanted to throw her own party. It's fine, I have too much on my plate to worry about it. I'm just letting her do her own thing.
    photo c603d655-594e-44b6-a311-72f04e7a561b_zpscca2447c.jpg My Little Sweetheart Follow Me on Pinterest
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Your idea of a brunch is perfect. I love brunch. But if your fmil is hosting the event, then she gets to make the decision on what type of party it's going to be. She also should be able to send the invitations and receive the rsvps at her address. Give her your guest list and let her take care of the details.

    If you have told her that your family members probably will not return the following evening for a dinner, then at least she has been forewarned. Let her make the decision.

    If all the wedding guests are going to be invited to your FMIL's party, you could put all the information on your wedding website, so the guests will not be confused.
                       
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  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'd really try again for the brunch.  If she won't, then let her do the dinner the night after.  Tell her that your family likely won't be attending.  Let her know that you won't be staying.  (Who wants to go to a family party the day after the wedding?)

    Have your mom quietly tell your family that they shouldn't feel obligated to attend.  Then let your FMIL plan the dinner and send out the invitations.  If she ends up with a very small guest list, then it's her problem, not yours.  You've warned her.

    I think you're over-reacting to the invitation thing.  I don't think that you should be sending out the invitations to a party that she's hosting.  Her party?  Her invitations.  People won't get confused.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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  • tdhupptdhupp
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thanks for all the opinions. I am really trying to push for a brunch. My FI doesn't even really like his extended family, so having to attend this dinner after the wedding stuff is done is really making us both crazy. The reason why I am so concerned about my family is my FMIL is very VERY sensitive, and I know she is going to take to personal when no one comes, and she will cry. I am not even joking about that one.  I just don't want to deal with all the drama that a small party is going to cause. We are still bouncing around ideas of when to do the dinner if that is what she is insisting. I am so stressed/irritated about all this because all I wanted was a very small intimate wedding then a cocktail party to get everyone together to celebrate. And actually our original plan was to just go get married and be done with it. But that caused such a commotion with FMIL that we decided to do this so she would not have a break down. So I really want to be in control of this stuff. I said fine to a meal hosted by her, but I want things done on my terms. Since it is my wedding day. And they are all lucky they are getting this! On top of everything, I know this party isn't about us, it's about HER. I don't want the dinner to be more of an event than the actual wedding, and I have a gut feeling that it is going to be just by the places she has suggested we have it.... ie, very nice/fining dining restaurants. 

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  • mkruparmkrupar member
    5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    You could always just politely decline any party. If she insists on hosting something then tell her you appreciate it, she can host whatever, but you and FI will not be attending. Otherwise, let her plan the party she wants, send out the invitations, and if no one comes because it's a dinner, then no one comes. That's for her to deal with.
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  • lisaandcoreylisaandcorey
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I understand why you don't want her to do it, but just let her do it.  Let her send the invitations.  Like a PP said she probably wants to invite other people not involved in your wedding.  If you don't let her do it, your relationship with your MIL could start off on the wrong foot.


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