FMIL Issues PLEASE READ AND RESPOND

Re: FMIL Issues PLEASE READ AND RESPOND

• [Deleted User]

  

  April 2011 edited December 2011

  My parents are paying for the wedding. She's offered to pay for the rehearsal dinner, But we can take it on with no problem. At this point I dont even want her to do it. 

  
  

  I talk to my FI about it everytime something like this happens. He says that he's taken the stronger approach with her. But I can't see how this is still an issue, if he's really asserted himself as he claims to have done.

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• AutumnFair member

  

  April 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-issues-please-read-respond?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:ea297632-94b4-4d9b-a139-24ce37e16c3bPost:dd9a20f2-8f28-47b9-948e-152446181b54">FMIL Issues PLEASE READ AND RESPOND</a>:
  [QUOTE] I've been planning since August 10' and our wedding is now 2 1/2 months away (in July). These past months have been SO very stressful for me, aside from having to plan the wedding, I am a student. So needless to say I don't need any extra stressors. FYI: My parents have offered to pay for the wedding Now for the issue at hand, My FMIL is pushy! MY FI is completely on the otherside of that spectrum. I am irritated! My issue with her started months ago. When we first got engaged, his aunt was trying to offer us some of her old dishes and furniture, that was extremely dated and not at all our style. While it is free, neither of us wanted it, and wouldnt be a strech to buy our own, so we declined. His mother tells his aunt that we'll take it until we find something new. And moves is here. Um, what?!  Long story short: We didn't take it.  Second issue, the guest lists. When we frst compiled the guest list it was well over 300 people. Our venue only hold 175 so he HAD to cut it down. Long story short, after making an agreement with my fiancee that we would only invite those who we know would show and those who we are close to, his mother insists that the people on HER list must be there. These are people my FI doesnt even know mind you. Long story short: They are not on the list I'll skip down the timeline to present day. Just know that from then to now, we've bumped heads about our colors, the guest list again, and some other non wedding related stuff. So last week she called to ask who we wanted to invite to the dinner and in what city we wanted it to be in. I told her just the parents and the bridal party and the city/general area I wanted to keep it in. Then this past weekend she TELLS me that she's pretty sure other guests would want to come to the rehearsal party so we should plan for them and that she reserved a block of rooms for extra guests. WHAT?! What extra guests could she possibly be talking about when we have a limit of 175 and we've already told her that we have blocks of rooms reserved. And why would guests will have information about the rehearsal dinner, which is two days before the wedding, unless she's told them about it. We have a reception provided for the guests on the wedding day, they are not needed at a rehearsal dinner and more importantly, I dont want them there. And why is she, a guest herself, reserving a block of rooms without telling me anything beforehand. <strong>My FI thinks I'm overreacting becasue I should "know how she is by now".</strong> How she is, doesn't matter. If the ONE thing I've asked for her to do is leave the decision making to us because it is OUR wedding, I shouldnt have to ask twice. IInitially I tried to have her involved and she just started trying to take over so I did leave her out. I dont think I'm wrong for that. She gets the necessary information just like everyone else, she's just not a part of the desicion making process anymore. Why on earth is it so hard for to accept that we are adults who are capable of making sound decisions and butt out? So this wknd my fiancee came to her AGAIN, about her pushiness and now she's mad at me and thinks I'm being unreasonable. So we're (his mother and I) not talking. But even now, she doesn't quit because now she's asking why we didn't consult her before sending out the invitations this past Monday. What, consult her?!?!?! I am so through with this woman, please help! WHAT CAN I DO?! Here I am trying my best to plan this "big' wedding and she's making it one of the most stressful times. Shouldn't this be exciting?
  Posted by ShainaissoontobeMrsAdams[/QUOTE]<div>
  </div><div>If this is your FI's excuse for his mother then he needs to get a wake up call. You need to tell your FI that he needs to deal with his mother, setting up boundaries with her. She is pushy and if he doesn't want to deal with her like a grown man suppose to do, then she will walk all over him and you for many years to come, ex. holidays, etc. And he needs to go over with YOU what he is going to say to her because obviously it back fired on you (not him) for whatever story he told her.</div><div>
  </div><div>Basically, if you can afford it, I would just pay for the rehearsal yourselves and be done it. She obviously wants things to go her way and not respect your and your FI decisions, so I tell her that the RD will be taken care of by the two of you. 
  
  </div>

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• [Deleted User]

  

  April 2011 edited December 2011

  I'm hearing alot that she should be able to invite whoever she wants to the rehearsal dinner. I guess I was just thrown off because she asked me to send her a list of who is invited as if it were up to me. We agreed on that and then the next day she's talking about these "extra people". 

  
  

  
  

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• hlq2011

  

  April 2011 edited December 2011

  Shaina, I'd find out who exactly these extra people are.  If she's inviting a ton of people to the RD from her side only, it's going to be perceived as a slight by your side of the family.
  
  At that point, I'd put my foot down and say, no, we're going to make this reasonably equitable or we will handle the RD ourselves.  Because while yes, if she's hosting the RD she can do what she wants, and yes, it'll probably piss her off to take that away from her, it's not right to let her slight your family either.
  

  

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• heyimbren member

  

  April 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-issues-please-read-respond?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:ea297632-94b4-4d9b-a139-24ce37e16c3bPost:bbd6ae27-dd7c-411e-8801-978c2558068b">Re: FMIL Issues PLEASE READ AND RESPOND</a>:
  [QUOTE]I'm hearing alot that she should be able to invite whoever she wants to the rehearsal dinner. I guess I was just thrown off because she asked me to send her a list of who is invited as if it were up to me. We agreed on that and then the next day she's talking about these "extra people". 
  Posted by ShainaissoontobeMrsAdams[/QUOTE]
  
  If she is paying, then she gets the final say. So even if she asks you and you give her a list, if she's paying then she can add others technically.
  
  This is an issue that isn't going to end after the wedding. You and your FI really do need to figure out how you two are going to have a relationship with her once you're married and issues like these come up (which are non-wedding related). Make sure you're both communicating well with each other and with her.
  
  If you don't like the way she's planning the RD, then decline the offer and take care of it yourselves. Then you have control over the guest list.

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• MairePoppy mod

  

  April 2011 edited December 2011

  If fmil is paying for the RD then she can invite whoever she wants, as long as they are invited to the wedding also.
  
  At this point, I would be more concerned with whether or not she extended verbal invitations to the wedding. Did she reserve that block of rooms as another option (which was out of line) for the guests or is she expecting more guests than you know about? Yikes! That has to be a host's worst nightmare.
  
  I actually believe your Fi was clear with his mom, but some moms unfortunately, do not believe they have to defer to their children. Since FMIL does not take 'no' for an answer, it's time to let her face the consequences of her decisions. Fi should tell her that only people who received official wedding invitations from you will be allowed at the reception. If she has taken it upon herself to issue invitations, she must uninvite those people. How embarrassing!
  
  Good luck.

                     

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• kmmssg mod

  

  April 2011 edited December 2011

  I'm with Maire - I really want to know if the people she has invited are even on your guest list.  Could she be using the RD to manipulate the guest situation she is so ticked about?  I really hope you will come back and update us on that one.  Your FI needs to find out who she is planning on inviting and soon.  That part about reserving a block of rooms if a bit of a red flag for me too!
  
  I do agree that your family may feel slighted about your FMIL's guest list - it is obviously from her side of the family.  I think your FI should be addressing that part also.
  
  Please come back with updates, but if she is using the RD to get her people to the wedding and she is going to insult your side of the family, I'd be hosting this myself.
  
  Good luck

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• GeauxTigers17 member

  

  April 2011 edited December 2011

  I feel really bad for you...she sounds difficult. 

  
  

  My first suggestion is find out by whatever (polite!) means necessary who she wants at the rehearsal dinner, because if they aren't invited to the wedding, that's a problem, and it may become necessary to step in and take over the dinner if she won't be reasonable. 

  
  

  However, I would try to avoid taking the rehearsal dinner away from her if at all possible, because I think it's just going to escalate the situation. She sounds like someone who is used to having a lot of control, and isn't handling it well that she isn't in a position to run everything now. Taking away the tiny bit she has left might make her even worse.

  

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• R.Wilsonny member

  

  April 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-issues-please-read-respond?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:ea297632-94b4-4d9b-a139-24ce37e16c3bPost:bb9718ec-1e53-4bc2-b965-d2901fdfc93c">Re: FMIL Issues PLEASE READ AND RESPOND</a>:
  [QUOTE]If fmil is paying for the RD then she can invite whoever she wants, as long as they are invited to the wedding also. At this point, I would be more concerned with whether or not she extended verbal invitations to the wedding. Did she reserve that block of rooms as another option (which was out of line) for the guests or is she expecting more guests than you know about? Yikes! That has to be a host's worst nightmare. I actually believe your Fi was clear with his mom, but some moms unfortunately, do not believe they have to defer to their children. Since FMIL does not take 'no' for an answer, it's time to let her face the consequences of her decisions. Fi should tell her that only people who received official wedding invitations from you will be allowed at the reception. If she has taken it upon herself to issue invitations, she must uninvite those people. How embarrassing! Good luck.
  Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]
  
  OMG....this is exactly the issue I have been having with my FMIL. The last few times FI & I were at her house, she started blurting out names of people who I KNOW I never sent an invitation to. I told her each time that she cannot just invite people and that if they did not get a formal invitation from us in the mail, they would not be allowed to the wedding. I have also had to tell FI more than once that he needs to reign his mother in and control her otherwise everything is going to go to s**t. He tries, but his mother is exactly like the thread starter's FMIL, so anything he even says to her, she completely disregards it 99% of the time. 
  
  Luckily the fighting with this woman hasn't turned into shouting matches directly with her, but it has been frustrating because she has an opinion on everrrrrrrryyyyyyyything.....stuff in the planning process, such as flowers, have been delayed thanks to her, she tried to derail our choice of venue because she didn't like it, we changed the wedding date 3 times, she changed their family guest list 10 times, I wound up with group reservations in 5 hotels because of her, when in the end, no one is even staying in the hotels now, with the exception of maybe 4 or 5 people (don't ask), my dress almost got ruined, she also now wants to bring outside food to the reception hall (we're paying a lot per plate for full buffet cocktail hour and 4 course dinner, so why she wants to do this is beyond me)....the list goes on and on. I can't wait until the wedding is over because I'm at my wits end.  And I know it won't stop after the wedding either....I've already mentally prepared myself.
  
  I should mention that my FI and I are paying for the entire wedding....
  
  Shania, girl....I totally sympathize with you and wish you the best of luck in dealing with your MIL....it's not easy, but as long as you and your FI are on the same page and a united front like everyone said, you should be just fine....stay strong. Good luck!

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• R.Wilsonny member

  

  April 2011 edited December 2011

  I should add though, if your MIL is paying for the rehearsal dinner, then she does have control over who is being invited. Sadly enough. That being said, she should not be inviting people to that if they are not invited to the wedding too....that's just rude.
  
  I actually told my MIL to do whatever she wants with the RD just to get her out of my hair, and that seems to have done the trick

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• saric83 member

  

  April 2011 edited December 2011

  Ugh....She sounds like a peach.  Ditto to what all of the PP's already mentioned.  Hopefully, this isn't some power struggle on her behalf, and it's just a matter of her thinking out of town guests should be included in rehearsal dinners (which I totally understand from your point isn't what you want, but it can be quite common.)  If you're concerned that she's including people who are NOT invited to the wedding, I would definitely push FI to get a list from her to confirm who will be there.  Good luck! 

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• Davesgrl2011

  

  April 2011 edited December 2011

  My initial response was that you needed to put your foot down right now- because if she is this controlling about the rehearsal dinner, how is she going to be when you are A: Choosing where to live, B: Deciding on and planning your family, or any other big decisions that should be between you and your husband ONLY!
  And I have to ask: what does YOUR mom say about all this?  I know my mom would be breathing fire......
  But.... to play devils advocate..... maybe she feels completely left out of a day that is important to her as well, so she is trying to "take control" of something to make herself feel better.  The only reason I say this is because my sister married a man whose mother had all sons, and she was desperate to help plan a wedding.  My sister let her help with flowers, the seating chart, etc.  
  So.... if you can, take a deep breath, and let her do her thing for your rehearsal dinner.  Who knows, you may be surprised at what a good job she did.  I also don't get the room blocking, but maybe it makes sense to her.  I would ask her as nicely as possible why she did it.  
  I may be all wrong and you have a monster-in-law on your hands.  But it might ease your stress to let what happens, happen.  At the very least you will have some awesome gossipy conversation with your mom when it is all done!  
  Good luck! 
  
  Oh- and as a PS.... if she is inviting people who are not invited to the wedding that is extremely wrong, tacky, horrible and if she is, all bets are off.  I would go to her, say absolutely not, take over the rehearsal dinner and make sure everyone knows why.  Just saying....

  

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• chelseaandtom

  

  April 2011 edited December 2011

  Agreed to all the pp's - just let her invite whoever she wants (of people invited to the wedding) to the RD. I will say, I had a very similar issue with my FMIL and it caused serious stress/frustration. My FI kept saying he was addressing stuff with her, blah blah blah- my FI is not a very stern guy, so I finally told him he needed to stand up for us, stand up for me, and get the point across it's not right the way she was acting. He finally did and really took a strong stand and we've had very little problems since (myself and my FMIL have actually gotten closer now). Maybe talk with your FI and tell him that he might have to  express his frustration a little more if he's not being too serious when talking to her.

  

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