Etiquette

EmilyTork · December 2012

I'm pretty sure I have posted this before, but it's still an issue...

Our ceremony location can only hold 140. Reception can hold 400+. Both FI and my mom think it is alright to invite the must-haves to the ceremony, and everyone else we want to the reception. I keep repeating that THIS ISN'T OK. Over the holiday weekend, so many family inquired about the wedding, and parents (from both sides) assured that people should watch their mail for STDs.

I'm not sure what I should do. This simple answer is to just cut the invite list down to 140. But my family is helping us with paying for the wedding. Next thing is to not accept their money if I don't agree with what they say... but FI doesn't get my point either!! I can't just say, "Well honey, forget what you think!" Plus our families have verbally committed us to an additional 50 people from this weekend alone!

What is the best way to handle such a delicate situation?

shannie11 · December 2012

If you REALLY feel bad then I suggest changing the location you are getting married. If you are dead set on your location and you want to stick to etiquette then I think you have to cut down your list.

EmilyTork · December 2012

I have honestly considered that. But we have paid for it in full (the ceremony site). At the time, we were planning for a small wedding. Family was aware of this and seemed happy with this decision.

SINCE then... my grandmother has passes away. My mom has now decided that she needs to reconnect with all this long lost family and get in touch with people we barely know (I know this sounds super insensitive, but my mom and I have been going through this struggle of trying to fix the past with current actions- doesn't work). All these random relatives have gotten verbal invites from mom... but I don't even know these people! I have maybe heard the name but that's it!

Stina51286 · December 2012

Ouch! Our venue also only fits a small amount of people for the ceremony site, however, most of our friends actually only attend the reception portion and a lot of our friends already know that our ceremony location only holds so many people.

I would suggest sitting down with your mom and say "hey ma, I understand you want to reconnect with your long lost cousins, however, I have only met these people a few times here and there as a kid and would not feel comfortable walking up to them to talk to them at the reception. If we invite them, we are going to have to make cuts from our list of friends and I would really love for our close friends and only close family to be there."

If you can pay for the wedding without their help, then you might have to if your mom isn't willing to budge on the extended relatives idea.

EmilyTork · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_october-2013-weddings_etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:1925524f-fa8b-432f-a7b5-be486ce756efDiscussion:35784f7e-cfec-45b5-a110-ec4750516df7Post:5deb91f1-e372-4426-b007-43b3aba7b453">Re: Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]Ouch! Our venue also only fits a small amount of people for the ceremony site, however, most of our friends actually only attend the reception portion and a lot of our friends already know that our ceremony location only holds so many people. I would suggest sitting down with your mom and say "hey ma, I understand you want to reconnect with your long lost cousins, however, I have only met these people a few times here and there as a kid and would not feel comfortable walking up to them to talk to them at the reception. If we invite them, we are going to have to make cuts from our list of friends and I would really love for our close friends and only close family to be there." If you can pay for the wedding without their help, then you might have to if your mom isn't willing to budge on the extended relatives idea.
Posted by Stina51286[/QUOTE]

<div>Thank you. This is really what I need to do. It isn't an option to change the venue at this point (I'm not throwing away my payment on the venue, since it is under a year). I guess I just wanted some assurance that I wasn't being unreasonable.</div><div>
</div><div>Of course I want to accommodate as many people as possible, but I'm not inviting certain people just because they would "for sure bring a great gift" or whatnot (my mother's words, not mine). It's such a sensitive area for my mom because she treats them (the extended family) as a sort of "filler" for that void where her mom would be. It's a difficult situation to explain, but I just don't want to upset her more than needed. </div>

SewInLoveWithDMB · December 2012

Unfortunately, inviting them to only the reception is really not a good idea. They are invited to a "wedding" - not a "party."
You can keep your wedding location and then have a "party" on a different date. Then, only invite the 140 closest to the ceremony and thent he 400+ to the party.

You can get married at the reception venue and lose out on the money that you paid for already. Not ideal, but it would work.

Or, cut the guest list down to 140-200 (figuring that not ALL guests will go to the church) and keep your church and reception venue.

Sorry to hear that this is becoming an issue, but you are correct - it is not in good taste to invite some people to the reception only, but not the actual wedding. In reality, the wedding portion is much more important. The reception is just a party to celebrate. Good luck!

EmilyTork · December 2012

Thanks everyone

I'm sure this conversation will be interesting, but I think she will understand about keeping the guest list down.

vgarlin · December 2012

Keep the guest list down.

Suggest having a family reunion so everyone can recconnect.

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