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Second Wedding. We are paying. My parents are inviting?

crlyredheadcrlyredhead
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in Second Weddings
I am getting remarried. My fiance has never been married. My parents graciously paid for my first wedding. This wedding my fiance and I are paying for it. We are trying to keep costs down, but we find that the guest list is growing and not by our choice. My father recently invited his entire side of the family which included members of the family I hadn't planned on inviting. My mom has invited a few of her friends. In the last week we ended up adding 12 people. How do I gently explain to them this is our wedding and it is on our dime, we decide who is coming?  Has anyone else been through this?
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Re: Second Wedding. We are paying. My parents are inviting?

  • right1thistimeright1thistime member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    If you don't want to invite the guests that your parents have "invited" (did they verbally just tell them that they would be invited, or do they somehow have invitations to hand out??), just tell your parents that either YOU will be calling them to tell them there was a mistake, or THEY can call them. 

    Expect that your parents will be mortified, and offer to pay for these guests rather than dis-invite them.  And decide together, in advance, whether that is acceptable.  Know that if its acceptable, there may be 12 more who they are willing to pay for who they want to add to the list in the coming months. 

    If the 12 people are family friends who you would be sad to see their feelings hurt, and you don't wish to dis-invite them, consider keeping them on the list.  But then have a sit down discussion with your parents to let them know that you would not have invited them, and that any further guests that they invite WILL be disinvited.  Make the discussion a united front with you and Fi, use the term "we" a lot.  Your parents may feel comfortable trampling all over you, but perhaps not so much your Fi.  ~Donna
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  • Sue-n-KevinSue-n-Kevin member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer First Comment
    edited December 2011

    I agree 100% with Donna


    (OT: has anyone noticed that the original posts on the Knot are not at the top? Irritating!!!!!!!!!!!)


    I peeked at your bio and see your wedding is in June, I doubt any invitations have been sent. I'm assuming it was a verbal comment from your parents to their friends.


    You need to keep in mind the size of your venue, maximum guest lists, etc. If you are not in danger of exceeding that, then you need to tell your parents that your budget is limited to the size of wedding the TWO OF YOU CAN AFFORD. If they choose to enlarge your guest list, they are free to pay for the additions. That additional cost is not just the meal either. It's the cost of the additional invitations, centerpieces, table linens, etc.


    It can be done in a nice way, and I'm sure that is your intention.


    Good luck.

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  • MikesAngieMikesAngie member
    Name Dropper 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    We had a similar problem with my MIL she kept adding more and more family to our guest list - some of the family she was adding last saw my DH when he was a toddler.  We explained that we had a budget limit of 80 people. She understood.

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  • JCWhiteyJCWhitey
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    For both my first wedding and this wedding I was pretty clear with my parents that at the actual wedding I only wanted people there that I knew from me side.  It would be enough that my XH had to meet most of these people for the first tme at the wedding, I didn't want to have to meet them, too, in addition to his side.  My parents understood after I explained it to them.  So obviously for this wedding I had the same idea and they were again OK with it.

    We did invite them to throw us a celebration after our wedding after the first wedding and they took us up on it.  It was more a way for my family and friends who couldn't come to the wedding (which was in Jamaica) to celebrate with us, but also so that my parents could invite their friends and extended family that I'd never met.  It was a free meal and a pretty good time without having perfect strangers watching our intimate ceremony.  So maybe tell your parents that if they want these people to celebrate with you, they are more than welcome to throw a celebration in your honor (and pay for it).  I'd bet money they won't do it!
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