Sticky situation: forced/expected to have particular bridal party.. but don't want these girls

Re: Sticky situation: forced/expected to have particular bridal party.. but don't want these girls

• kmmssg mod

  

  October 2012

  Your bridal party should be your choice regardless of who is paying for your wedding.  Regardless, some families have generational expectations (you must have cousins/sisters/etc) and make things very difficult.

  
  

  Are your parents paying for your wedding?  Are they insisting these gilrs be in your wedding? Looks to me like you have two choices here:

  
  

  1.  Have your isster and cousins and hate the next year

  2.  Only choose your 5 closest friends and cause WW!III.

  
  

  Which of those can you live with easiest?  I don't know your family dynamics, but if it were me, it would be my 5 friends.  If you are being forced because your parents are paying, then pay for your wedding yourself and tell them all to butt out.

  
  

  I have a sister who would never be in my wedding either.

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• GoodLuckBear14 member

  

  October 2012

  I would say it is time to have WW III then.  I think your family has been bullying you your entire life because they know they can and you will do whatever they want.  Like any bully, they don't want to go at it with someone who will fight back.  If you don't think you can do that, then I would see a professional therapist to learn the tools to do so.

  Proud to be an old married hag!!

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• millerdrinka423 member

  

  October 2012 edited October 2012

  Thank you for your advice.. I've been thinking about adding in 4 friends (so the trio is out numbered), this way I can play off having a "matron of honor" (which is who would've been my choice for matron of honor in perfect world) and have friends in there who don't turn a blind eye to the bull the three tend to pull on me.

  I have these three in close radius our whole lives which makes it hard.. but I have managed to avoid them pretty much constantly for the last 8 years.

  Unfortunately I am not paying, but that's why when my mother goes "you can have who you want, if you really don't want them (because I have brought it up)...I hate this family for being this way.. so on (insert major flip and guilt trip) it really translates into: well we will no longer provide assistance and you will now be shunned which I don't necessarily care much about because chances are we will be moved out of state. I love my extended family.. but it's the immediate that is the killer.

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• millerdrinka423 member

  

  October 2012

  It's more like.. I'm giving you the option to "do the right thing".. which would be to do it the way she wants it.. and if I go against it it's like she plays games.. this was the story of my life with helping me pay for college as well. It a few times came down to I actually had a loan approved because she would say "well I didn't like that you did x, y, and z.. so I don't know if I want to help you" it's an on going constant that I don't want to deal with anymore.

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• GoodLuckBear14 member

  

  October 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_sticky-situation-forcedexpected-to-have-particular-bridal-party-but-dont-want-these-girls?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ed5e7d27-0755-4981-bc32-aa821887c724Post:14f9fbcb-18d2-43c4-a156-ee46285c1516">Re: Sticky situation: forced/expected to have particular bridal party.. but don't want these girls</a>:
  [QUOTE]It's more like.. I'm giving you the option to "do the right thing".. which would be to do it the way she wants it.. and if I go against it it's like she plays games.. this was the story of my life with helping me pay for college as well. It a few times came down to I actually had a loan approved because she would say "well I didn't like that you did x, y, and z.. so I don't know if I want to help you" it's an on going constant that I don't want to deal with anymore.
  Posted by millerdrinka423[/QUOTE]
  
  Cut the financial ties right now.  She is controlling you with money and as long as you accept it, the situation will never change.

  Proud to be an old married hag!!

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• zitiqueen member

  

  October 2012

  This is completely within your control.

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• Jen4948 member

  

  October 2012 edited October 2012

  When all is said and done, all bridesmaids are supposed to do is wear the outfit in question, walk down the aisle, and smile for photos.  If you did more than that for these women when they were married, you went above and beyond the call of duty.  So I wouldn't worry about whether or not the three that you don't want are there for you.  I'd let your friends be the ones you confide in, ask for help, or whatever, and let it go at that, whether they are official "bridesmaids" or not.
  
  Or, start WWIII and make clear to your mother that all her guilt tripping will not result in them being asked to be bridesmaids.  Of course, she may pull out your financing, so if you do this, I'd be prepared to pay for things yourself.

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• beardo1111

  

  October 2012

  Do you have to have a wedding party at all?  Just don't have one!  Or maybe have one attendant each.  To me that would be the easiest solution.

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• lpowers1118

  

  October 2012

  Doing the right thing is having who you want.  This is a special time in your life and you should enjoy it.  Having 3 horrible people there will make an awful experience.  No matter what your family says, do what you want and what makes you happy.
  As a PP said, since your wedding is over a year out, just say you haven't made any selections and don't plan on it quite yet.  Then make your selections quietly, if the topic ever comes up, mention you already took care of it. 
  It is truly nobody's business on who is your party or why you chose them. 

  

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• cmarcelo6387 member

  

  October 2012 edited October 2012

  I am in a similar situation as the OP, except not as unpleasant.  Some of my family from abroad are making the trip to attend my wedding.  This is my first time my cousins have been to the US and for a really important occasion.  My mom suggested that my cousin, whom I have not seen or spoken to in more than 10 years, be in my wedding party.  At first, I was okay with it since I was having trouble finding bridesmaids b/c a) I don't have many close female friends and b) one of my friends was interested but may not be able to make it.  However, I'm having second thoughts about asking her b/c I never speak to her, not bc I don't like her, but bc she lives on the other side of the world from me and I didn't grow up with her.  She isn't someone I know terribly well, but she's family. I guess my question is similar to the OP: should I agree to have someone I'm uncertain about in my wedding party bc of family obligations? 

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• emeejeeayen member

  

  November 2012

  I think you need to stand up for yourself. It sounds like you're letting people walk all over you on all fronts, and that's no fun. You know what you want. Bark is usually worse than bite. Call their bluff. 

  whatshouldwecallweddings.tumblr.com

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• jennylee813 member

  

  November 2012

  I'm part of the "it's your wedding, not theirs" camp, mostly because I've been where you are now.
  
  My first wedding was like this. I was obligated (read: guilt tripped) into choosing my bridesmaids and it was awful. One wasn't speaking to me because we'd had an argument and I had no idea whether or not she would show. (she did and frowned her way through the ceremony. My pics were awful) Then there was my sister who HAD to be my MOH. The third bridesmaid is the only one that I wanted, and she was wonderful. The wedding was what everyone but me wanted.
  
  Now I'm listening poliety to suggestions from everyone and quietly going about my business. The only people with a say in what we do is us!
  
  and it will be lovely.

  

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