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Maid of Honor and Bridesmaids not helping

jessicaalmoststephensjessicaalmoststephens member
First Comment
in Moms and Maids
I have designated a close friend to by my Maid of Honor and another friend to br a bridesmaid. The remaining two are my fiance's sister's. As the past two months have gone by, none of them have done anything to help me whatsoever. I am not too concerned about this and I am not mad or anything, but should I still give them a gift? The wedding is one month away and I really feel that they have not done anything to contribute.
It was also agreed that they would buy their own dresses, which were 50 dollars. I bought their dresses and they have not paid me back. I'm not trying to use their dresses as their gift, but I'm just sayin'.

What should I do? I am mostly concerned with if I still, out of ettiquite, need to buy them something.
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Re: Maid of Honor and Bridesmaids not helping

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    mnp555mnp555
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    you bought them dresses as a present, apparently. Just as guests are not obligated to give you a gift at your wedding, you are not obligated to give these girls a gift, whether they help you or not.  If you want to, do it.  But you are under no obligation and if you want to write the dresses off as a gift, that works too.
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    xoxobxoxob member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_maid-of-honor-bridesmaids-not-helping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:7b40a5b1-87bc-420e-b152-2d5f828e1829Post:ae4dcc57-f367-4693-b0d8-af986f2ce5cd">Re: Maid of Honor and Bridesmaids not helping</a>:
    [QUOTE]you bought them dresses as a present, apparently. Just as guests are not obligated to give you a gift at your wedding, you are not obligated to give these girls a gift, whether they help you or not.  If you want to, do it.  But you are under no obligation and <strong>if you want to write the dresses off as a gift, that works too.</strong>
    Posted by mnp555[/QUOTE]

    It is unacceptable to give BMs their dress for YOUR wedding, as their present.

    No one is obligated to help you plan your wedding, other than your FI. So, they don't have to do anything to help you.

    Yes, you should still get them a gift.
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    ladydiy2004ladydiy2004
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    I think its perfectly fine to buy their dresses as a gift!!

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    xoxobxoxob member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    That's not a gift. That's something for your wedding. Oh, here is this "gift" that I am making you wear for my event and you will never wear it again, but it's also your thank you gift. No, thanks. I'll wear what I want and come as a guest. Anyone who says so, probably thinks dollar dances and tiered receptions aren't taky.

    Bridesmaids are bridesmaids and they're not required to do anything but wear the dress you agreed on and stand next to you. MOH will hold your bouquet. That's it.

    Ladydiy, it's not fine. I would be so offended if a bride pulled a shenanigan like that on me.
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    maria.pedrozamaria.pedroza
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_maid-of-honor-bridesmaids-not-helping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:7b40a5b1-87bc-420e-b152-2d5f828e1829Post:332ff750-773b-481d-899d-430e9fbe9302">Re: Maid of Honor and Bridesmaids not helping</a>:
    [QUOTE]That's not a gift . That's something for your wedding. Oh, here is this "gift" that I am making you wear for my event and you will never wear it again, but it's also your thank you gift. No, thanks. I'll wear what I want and come as a guest. Anyone who says so, probably thinks dollar dances and<font color="#000080"><strong> tiered receptions</strong></font> aren't taky. Bridesmaids are bridesmaids and they're not required to do anything but wear the dress you agreed on and stand next to you. MOH will hold your bouquet. That's it. Ladydiy, it's not fine. I would be so offended if a bride pulled a shenanigan like that on me.
    Posted by xoxob[/QUOTE]

    What are those???

    And: I am giving my BMs  their dress as a gift because my mom is making them...but it is not their only gift.  They didn't ask to wear the teal concoction of my Marichified dreams, after all...
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    trix1223trix1223 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_maid-of-honor-bridesmaids-not-helping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:7b40a5b1-87bc-420e-b152-2d5f828e1829Post:ddab6ce5-136a-4882-955c-45f2c5d8d93d">Maid of Honor and Bridesmaids not helping</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have designated a close friend to by my Maid of Honor and another friend to br a bridesmaid. The remaining two are my fiance's sister's. As the past two months have gone by, none of them have done anything to help me whatsoever. I am not too concerned about this and I am not mad or anything, but should I still give them a gift? The wedding is one month away and I really feel that they have not done anything to contribute. It was also agreed that they would buy their own dresses, which were 50 dollars. I bought their dresses and they have not paid me back. I'm not trying to use their dresses as their gift, but I'm just sayin'. What should I do? I am mostly concerned with if I still, out of ettiquite, need to buy them something.
    Posted by jessicaalmoststephens[/QUOTE]

    Oh for the love of Pete:  did you not lurk at all?

    A WP sole "duties" exist during the ceremony only.  Being a WP doesn not mean that they have to help you plan or execute your wedding.  Your wedding=yours to plan.

    They DO NOT have to go venue searching, dress shopping, to tastings, make favors, address invitations, stuff envelopes, create CPs, print and assemble programs, decorate venues, plan or throw prewedding parties, or arrange flowers, pick up guests at the airport, arrange honeymoons, or most else that are on WP "duties" lists created by the wedding industry.

    Their SOLE duties are:  wear the dress, walk down the aisle, stand respectfully during the ceremony, smile for the pictures.

    They may CHOOSE to do more, but they don't HAVE to do more.

    Their dresses are NOT a gift as gifts should be personal and not about your wedding. 

    You've been led astray by the skillful marketers of the wedding industry.  Stop listening to them.  And stop treating your friends like they are your employees.
    Because that's what you're apparently doing.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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    pixiedust84pixiedust84 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_maid-of-honor-bridesmaids-not-helping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:7b40a5b1-87bc-420e-b152-2d5f828e1829Post:fd2054b2-237f-44fe-ac42-0fb91f8086c2">Re: Maid of Honor and Bridesmaids not helping</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Maid of Honor and Bridesmaids not helping : It is unacceptable to give BMs their dress for YOUR wedding, as their present. No one is obligated to help you plan your wedding, other than your FI. So, they don't have to do anything to help you. Yes, you should still get them a gift.
    Posted by xoxob[/QUOTE]

    This.

    There should be a test you have to take before you're allowed to post that proves you've lurked. Then you would have known what we were going to say and wouldn't have had to ask.
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    MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Come on, you know you should buy them gifts. You already know that it wasn't their responsibility to help plan your wedding, so what is the problem? You don't want your FSIL s and best friend to think you cheaped out on them.
                       
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    jessicaalmoststephensjessicaalmoststephens member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Wow. You people are rude. I was just asking a question. I don't have time to "lurk" and read all of your silly questions because I have better things to do than post a million things on this website like most of you. Looks like I won't be coming back for advice from you bitter brides. Thanks for nothin! Happy wedding planning!
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    pokepoke27pokepoke27 member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Wow. It almost makes me angry at how rigid you all are with the "laws" of weddings! Obviously many of you have lost sight of what a wedding is really about.

    Yes - the WP is not obligated to help. But why the HELL would you not pick someone that is going to be excited for you and help you with the planning??? Why you would ever consider having someone in such a role that has no interest in you or your wedding is beyond me. 

    Any time I'm asked to be part of the WP, I feel honored that someone thinks highly enough of me to want me to be a big part of their special day, and anyone else should feel the same. If someone honors you with such a request, you should show your appreciation by being a good friend and helping out. Gifts are there to THANK people. THEY'VE GOTTEN THEIR DRESS FOR FREE AND HAVEN'T HELPED OUT AT ALL! What have they done to deserve a gift?!? The way I see it, all they've got to do is show up for a party - the wedding favors should be enough for them if that's all they're doing.
    I'm so glad that my family is nothing like the people that post on here. Not only do they not get offended by the most trivial things - but they are actually SUPPORTIVE of me. Obviously these girls aren't.  

    Because of what my girls have already done for me - mainly in the way of emotional support - I would spare no expense to pamper them along with myself for the big day. I wish I could treat them all to the kind of vacation I'm going to have after the wedding! But that's because they've acted like REAL FRIENDS and showed me with their actions how much I mean to them. Any time I've been part of the WP, I've bent over backwards to help the bride. Why? Because I love her and I want the planning to be fun and exciting for her - which is why I was asked to be a BM in the first place!!!!!!!!

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    trix1223trix1223 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_maid-of-honor-bridesmaids-not-helping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:7b40a5b1-87bc-420e-b152-2d5f828e1829Post:8b3e6588-39b4-4f93-b683-10cac5acbe31">Re: Maid of Honor and Bridesmaids not helping</a>:
    [QUOTE]Wow. You people are rude. I was just asking a question. <strong><em>I don't have time to "lurk" and read all of your silly questions</em></strong> because I have better things to do than post a million things on this website like most of you. Looks like I won't be coming back for advice from you bitter brides. Thanks for nothin! Happy wedding planning!
    Posted by jessicaalmoststephens[/QUOTE]

    Since you wouldn't take the time to lurk, you asked one of the silly questions that people then took the time to answer.  People weren't rude, they were honest.  There's a big difference.

    You may not have liked the answers, but you don't have to.  When you put a question out on a national message board, you'll get responses, but not necessarily validation for a bad idea.

    You're new to the boards.  (Yet another reason to lurk first)  But may I recommend a local board.  They tend to be less blunt than a local board.  The advice may not be nearly as good, but they probably won't hurt your feelings.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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    xoxobxoxob member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_maid-of-honor-bridesmaids-not-helping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:7b40a5b1-87bc-420e-b152-2d5f828e1829Post:2818f8ee-ca72-4e53-b8c0-531ee5402177">Re: Maid of Honor and Bridesmaids not helping</a>:
    [QUOTE]Wow . It almost makes me angry at how rigid you all are with the "laws" of weddings! Posted by pokepoke27[/QUOTE]

    Etiquette is there for a reason. People who post on these boards are going to give anyone the responsible answer. If you don't want to follow the "laws" (socially acceptable guidelines) that's fine. However, don't seek validation and don't cry when one of your guests is offended by your improprieotous behavior.
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    lharri12lharri12 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Sorry, but PP are right.  Your BM's don't have to help with anything except standing up with you in the dress you asked them to wear.  You should get them a gift, even though you paid for their dresses, which you really didn't have to do.  You can get them something small, like a gift card or something.
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    xoxobxoxob member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_maid-of-honor-bridesmaids-not-helping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:7b40a5b1-87bc-420e-b152-2d5f828e1829Post:7a46c385-2a46-4a9f-8437-c58f943adb54">Re: Maid of Honor and Bridesmaids not helping</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Maid of Honor and Bridesmaids not helping : <strong>What are those???</strong> And: I am giving my BMs  their dress as a gift because my mom is making them...but it is not their only gift.  They didn't ask to wear the teal concoction of my Marichified dreams, after all...
    Posted by maria.pedroza[/QUOTE]

    Those are when they invite everyone to the ceremony, and then only invite a percentage of their guests to the reception to eat, but invite the rest back to the reception to dance (after the 'first string' guests get to have dinner). Super rude, right?! I only just found out what they were a couple of days ago and my mind was blown.

    That's very nice of you to get them their outfits. I think it's really thoughful when a bride who can afford to buy the attire does so, but it's not appropriate to give them that as their "Thank You" gift.
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    KatyRoseMKatyRoseM member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    It is rude that the bm's did not pay for the dresses they said they would.  In my mind that is one of the things they actually do have to do.  None the less a gift would be nice and the better thing to do.  (but do get them to pay for the dresses they agreed to pay for at the price they said was fine)
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    CA2MT4EveRCA2MT4EveR member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_maid-of-honor-bridesmaids-not-helping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:7b40a5b1-87bc-420e-b152-2d5f828e1829Post:ddab6ce5-136a-4882-955c-45f2c5d8d93d">Maid of Honor and Bridesmaids not helping</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have designated a close friend to by my Maid of Honor and another friend to br a bridesmaid. The remaining two are my fiance's sister's. As the past two months have gone by, none of them have done anything to help me whatsoever. I am not too concerned about this and I am not mad or anything, but should I still give them a gift? The wedding is one month away and I really feel that they have not done anything to contribute. It was also agreed that they would buy their own dresses, which were 50 dollars. I bought their dresses and they have not paid me back. I'm not trying to use their dresses as their gift, <strong>but I'm just sayin'.</strong> What should I do? I am mostly concerned with if I still, out of ettiquite, need to buy them something.
    Posted by jessicaalmoststephens[/QUOTE]

    This is a ridiculous fad quote that really makes now sense!  We know you are saying, so why are you telling us you are saying. UGH!

    And if THEY ask to help, you can accept or decline their help.  But this is YOUR wedding, not theirs, so they are not obliged to help lick envelopes or tie bows or stuff chocolate in tule sacks.
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User]
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Well, someone clearly has never lurked before.

    PPs said everything I was going to say, so just reread their posts.

    However, I will say that not all BM dresses are so ugly that they will never be worn again. I picked out my MOH's dress specifically so she could wear it to other events if she wanted to, and she already is planning to wear it somewhere in a few months. So, yes, I do think that sometimes the dress can be a gift but I'd get something small anyway.
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    xoxobxoxob member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Seshat, I agree not all dresses are hideous. I am going to try to find dresses my girls will want to wear again. I still don't think it's an appropriate thank you gift.
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    JennaV26JennaV26
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You should probably still buy them gifts, it doesn't have to be anything big or fancy. Just something to let them know you appreciate them standing by your side on your big day.

    But just for the record: If I was in someone's wedding and they offered to pay for my BM dress I'd be pumped!
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    starryskies407starryskies407 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    If the agreement ahead of time was that you would cover their dresses, then I would say that you still need to get them a gift (regardless of what else they have or havent done). However, the 2 known things that typically come with being a BM are to show up for the wedding and to buy the dress. Since they havent paid you back, then they are remiss in that. I would try contacting them again about it-and at the same time to reconnect with them. If they never pay you back, I think you are fine with not getting them gifts. If they do pay you back-then, yes, get them gifts.
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    andy71781andy71781 member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Just get them something really cheap and say ummm thanks for all of your hard work. 
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    quotequeenquotequeen member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    The gift thanks your attendants for standing up for you and supporting you.  It's not to thank them for planning your wedding for you or doing tasks.  If they choose to help with such things, that's great, but they are not obligated to and they most certainly should not be punished for not doing that.
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    banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Ditto quotequeen.  The gift isn't a reward for all their work.

    Don't be cheap.  Buy them something nice.
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    maria.pedrozamaria.pedroza
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_maid-of-honor-bridesmaids-not-helping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:7b40a5b1-87bc-420e-b152-2d5f828e1829Post:846c0f24-afbc-4dd1-b230-de2e514447a5">Re: Maid of Honor and Bridesmaids not helping</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Maid of Honor and Bridesmaids not helping : Those are when they invite everyone to the ceremony, and then only invite a percentage of their guests to the reception to eat, but invite the rest back to the reception to dance (after the 'first string' guests get to have dinner). Super rude, right?! I only just found out what they were a couple of days ago and my mind was blown. That's very nice of you to get them their outfits. I think it's really thoughful when a bride who can afford to buy the attire does so, but it's not appropriate to give them that as their "Thank You" gift.
    Posted by xoxob[/QUOTE]

    Oh. My. Goodness. Tiered receptions sound super tacky!
    Yes, I am excited to give the girls their dresses :)  It's fun because my mom is making them and one BM picked out cute gloves to match.  Team effort!  I've gotten so many ideas from other threads on what might to pickl for their actual Thank You gift (I think the dress is just a nice gesture...)

    <strong>Back to the Thread: </strong>
    Maybe the OP needs extra help that we're not aware of.
     Maybe disctance, a particularly challenging issue with family, etc. is making the bride feel overwhelmed??
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    felkelsfelkels member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    ask if they are willing to help you...chances are they have not helped beause they don't know what to do.  If they are willing, invite them over for the DIY, or delegate specific responsibilities to them, if they are not, don't.  Maybe remind them that they were going to pay you back for the dresses, but I am not sure that should be your gift.  I got some inexpensive strands of pearls, and some clasps from Michaels and made real freshwater pearl necklaces earings or bracelets for each girl.  probably under $40 for like 7-8 gifts all of two pieces of jewelry (all earings and either a necklace or a braclet).
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