Disappointed in friends

annk85 · June 2012

Let me start off by saying that I had a beautiful wedding and am blessed with a wonderful husband, friends and family. However, there are three 'good' friends that really disappointed me.

Friend 1 - She moved a few hours away right before we got engaged. Prior to that, she was always bugging me about when I was getting engaged and once it happened, she was constantly asking me questions about planning. Once the shower invite went out, I never heard from her again. When we sent out wedding invites, I tried calling/emailing/texting to see if she was coming our not. What's even more strange is that we were planning a weekend where I drove out to her place this summer. So I guess I'm not doing that anymore...

Friend 2 - Same sort of thing. We talked up until shower invites went out and nothing after that. She was also planning a wedding but told me it's only close family (specifically parents/brothers/sisters). Then I see on facebook that she actually had a really big wedding. I understand that she wasn't inviting every single person to her wedding but I feel like she flat out lied to me about it. It wouldn't bother me if she wouldn't have pointed out that it would only be close family.

Friend 3 - Probably the one that I'm hurt by the most. Again, never responded to the shower invite. She did say she was coming to the wedding when I borrowed her slip but then never showed up. I've tried calling/texting a couple times to see how she is doing (never mentioned the wedding) and she still hasn't responded.

I guess I'm just hurt that three people who I thought were good friends completely blew me off. It's not even that they didn't come to the wedding but just that they don't even respond. I know people get busy but in six months they can't respond to a text? My husband says things like that just happen with friends but it still really bothers me.

Winnertag1 · June 2012

I'm so sorry that happened to you, I understand being upset at your friends for not even acknowledging you - I would feel the same way.

I dont know if I have any sort of advice, I guess I would just wait it out - hopefully they turn around.

firsttimersluck · June 2012

Okay.. These are three really close friends that all stopped talking to you during a particular point in time near your wedding..

Are you sure you haven't looked yourself in the mirror and thought about what YOU might have done to cause these friendship splits?

It's just a little odd to have THREE people, ALL around the same time (and probably around a stressful time in your planning process) decide to up and ignore you.

rlavach · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_disappointed-in-friends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:12Discussion:17f2ca75-c68a-45e6-a3d5-d57920d8ae31Post:6a8dc1ba-0e0d-47a2-96d1-b67fa0ac620f">Re: Disappointed in friends</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay.. These are three really close friends that all stopped talking to you during a particular point in time near your wedding.. Are you sure you haven't looked yourself in the mirror and thought about what YOU might have done to cause these friendship splits? It's just a little odd to have THREE people, ALL around the same time (and probably around a stressful time in your planning process) decide to up and ignore you.
Posted by firsttimersluck[/QUOTE]
Yeah, this sounds fishy. I could see if it was 1 friend & even 2. But 3 friends? There's something going on with your side of it too. I know this may sound off base, but it's not. Did you throw your own bridal shower, or was it thrown for you? Something about the way you phrased things made me think you threw it for yourself.

Summer2011Bride · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_disappointed-in-friends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:12Discussion:17f2ca75-c68a-45e6-a3d5-d57920d8ae31Post:6a8dc1ba-0e0d-47a2-96d1-b67fa0ac620f">Re: Disappointed in friends</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay.. These are three really close friends that all stopped talking to you during a particular point in time near your wedding.. Are you sure you haven't looked yourself in the mirror and thought about what YOU might have done to cause these friendship splits? It's just a little odd to have THREE people, ALL around the same time (and probably around a stressful time in your planning process) decide to up and ignore you.
Posted by firsttimersluck[/QUOTE]

This was my first thought too. OP, if three good friends of mine all stopped talking to me around the exact same time, I would definitely be taking a hard look at myself first to see if there was something I might have done, even inadvertantly, that would have pissed off three separate people.

Sunshine811 · June 2012

I think you all are the rudest people for suggesting that she is at fault, even if she may have done anything, I think you are very mean for saying so.

OP, your husband is right, sometimes friendships change and things change. I would simply say that those are not the forever friends you expected, and start finding new friends in new places with your new husband.

Keep your head up, and remember your first paragraph and everything you are thankful for.

annk85 · June 2012

I've gone over this so many times in my head (probably too many) and there is nothing I can think of that would have pissed all three of them off. I think I looked more to my friends to get away from the wedding planning stress and avoided talking about the wedding as much as possible. Even so, if I did make them mad, I wish they wounldn't have just blown me off completely. They all are the type that openly speak their mind so I wish they would have been honest if that's the case.
I did not throw my own shower. Why the heck would I want another thing to plan?

The only real reason I brought that up is because the first time I started noticing something was wrong was when I was told that none of them responded.
I talked to another mutual friend and she's sort of experienced the same thing with these same three friends. I know the world didn't stop when I got married, but I guess I'm just really bummed that they didn't want to or couldn't be there. I would still like to remain friends but I feel like it's a little awkward. Should I even try?

firsttimersluck · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_disappointed-in-friends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:12Discussion:17f2ca75-c68a-45e6-a3d5-d57920d8ae31Post:23b8414b-f3ed-46b4-8b09-6f95309719ee">Re: Disappointed in friends</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you all are the rudest people for suggesting that she is at fault, even if she may have done anything, I think you are very mean for saying so. OP, your husband is right, sometimes friendships change and things change. I would simply say that those are not the forever friends you expected, and start finding new friends in new places with your new husband. Keep your head up, and remember your first paragraph and everything you are thankful for.
Posted by Sunshine811[/QUOTE]

<div>Umm.. Really? </div><div>I'm rude for suggesting alternative perpectives on a touchy subject? </div><div>I don't think I was rude at all.. I didn't TELL the op that it's her fault, I asked if she has considered her side of things.. Sometimes we forget tact when we're caught up in our own little world. I'm sure there were points in my planning process that I hung out with a friend and just talked about ME and MY life because of all that is going on. I'm sure there were times taht you did the same. Just like people and babies... It happens. We get wrapped up in our own world and forget that the two-way street isn't being two-way lately. </div><div>
</div><div>Idk why you feel so defensive for the OP on this subject, but get over it. It's the interwebs. We can say whatevertheheck we want. </div>

firsttimersluck · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_disappointed-in-friends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:12Discussion:17f2ca75-c68a-45e6-a3d5-d57920d8ae31Post:2cdb1353-fb8c-4b50-b4e0-72396773cba4">Re: Disappointed in friends</a>:
[QUOTE]I've gone over this so many times in my head (probably too many) and there is nothing I can think of that would have pissed all three of them off. I think I looked more to my friends to get away from the wedding planning stress and avoided talking about the wedding as much as possible. Even so, if I did make them mad, I wish they wounldn't have just blown me off completely. They all are the type that openly speak their mind so I wish they would have been honest if that's the case. I did not throw my own shower. Why the heck would I want another thing to plan? :) The only real reason I brought that up is because the first time I started noticing something was wrong was when I was told that none of them responded. I talked to another mutual friend and she's sort of experienced the same thing with these same three friends. I know the world didn't stop when I got married, but I guess I'm just really bummed that they didn't want to or couldn't be there. I would still like to remain friends but I feel like it's a little awkward. Should I even try?
Posted by annk85[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>firstly, OP, I appreciate your calm response and the fact that you didn't get upset with our alternative suggestion. </div><div>I know what you mean.. I tend to do that too.. For over and over and over and over again until you just beat the subject to death. So secondly, STOP DRIVING YOURSELF CRAZY!! It's just going to eat you up inside if you keep pining over it :( You're a new wife! You should be happy about that and now stressed over friends being all drama-y</div><div>
If these three have a track record (since you mentioned they did this to a mutual friend) I would write a break up letter and be done with it. You know.. one of those "We have been friends so long. I love you. You're wonderful, but I don't know waht I did to deserve this recent treatment.. " kinda letters.. If you're one of those people that needs closure.. Which I think you are by how much you've let this eat at you (I don't mean that in a bad way.. I'm the same) </div><div>
</div><div>I'm sorry you have to deal with such unwarrented stress during a time in your life that should be a new, exciting adventure. </div>

Summer2011Bride · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_disappointed-in-friends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:12Discussion:17f2ca75-c68a-45e6-a3d5-d57920d8ae31Post:23b8414b-f3ed-46b4-8b09-6f95309719ee">Re: Disappointed in friends</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you all are the rudest people for suggesting that she is at fault, even if she may have done anything, I think you are very mean for saying so. OP, your husband is right, sometimes friendships change and things change. I would simply say that those are not the forever friends you expected, and start finding new friends in new places with your new husband. Keep your head up, and remember your first paragraph and everything you are thankful for.
Posted by Sunshine811[/QUOTE]

No one was mean. I think it's entirely ridiculous that you got your panties all in a wad about this but OP took it very maturely and calmly. Geez go have a drink or something!

afeliz79 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_disappointed-in-friends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:12Discussion:17f2ca75-c68a-45e6-a3d5-d57920d8ae31Post:a4f050cb-aada-44d5-b9ce-df80e6caf533">Re: Disappointed in friends</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Disappointed in friends : No one was mean. I think it's entirely ridiculous that you got your panties all in a wad about this but OP took it very maturely and calmly. Geez go have a drink or something!
Posted by Summer2011Bride[/QUOTE]

Like!

rlavach · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_disappointed-in-friends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:12Discussion:17f2ca75-c68a-45e6-a3d5-d57920d8ae31Post:431af018-482b-4cd3-95e1-b28e0f7c2c72">Re: Disappointed in friends</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Disappointed in friends : firstly, OP, I appreciate your calm response and the fact that you didn't get upset with our alternative suggestion. I know what you mean.. I tend to do that too.. For over and over and over and over again until you just beat the subject to death. So secondly, STOP DRIVING YOURSELF CRAZY!! It's just going to eat you up inside if you keep pining over it :( You're a new wife! You should be happy about that and now stressed over friends being all drama-y If these three have a track record (since you mentioned they did this to a mutual friend) I would write a break up letter and be done with it. You know.. one of those "We have been friends so long. I love you. You're wonderful, but I don't know waht I did to deserve this recent treatment.. " kinda letters.. If you're one of those people that needs closure.. Which I think you are by how much you've let this eat at you (I don't mean that in a bad way.. I'm the same) I'm sorry you have to deal with such unwarrented stress during a time in your life that should be a new, exciting adventure.
Posted by firsttimersluck[/QUOTE]
I agree. If these people did the same thing to someone else, that's just horrible. Weddings bring out the true nature of your friends & family. You really find out what people think of you and who is there for you through thick & thin. Apparently these people aren't as good of a friend as you thought they were. Of course, it would've been nice to know that BEFORE your wedding, but that's life. Be glad that you found this out & can move on. You don't need that in your life. Like the PP said, you're a new wife and have a whole new life to enjoy. Don't let this bring you down.

ElleB87 · June 2012

I agree with most of the PP's that it's strange that they all disappeared at the same time and the common denominator in all three friendships is your shower invite. Is it possible that whoever was doing the inviting did/said something to piss them off (like ask them to contribute financially to the party or something like that)? It's very odd that nothing significant happened between you and each of these people and none of them have come to you directly.

I understand you being upset about your other friends wedding - it hurts to be lied to. Maybe the old "we're keeping it small" line was what her and her groom decided to say to anyone who asked about the wedding who wasn't invited and it wasn't meant to be personal.

At this point all you can do is give them space and concentrate on life with your new husband.

mattycam · June 2012

Sorry to hear about this issue. I hope one day you will get an answer to this sudden disappearance and if you don't hopefully you can move on.

sweetkeex · June 2012

Life is too short for people to act this way. If you did something that upset them, they should have contacted you and let you know. Depending on how close all of these friends are, they should have been there for you no matter what and if they couldn't, they should have provided you a reason. I agree with you that they shouldn't have just cut off contact. People get very upset over things and sometimes just make impulsive decisions before thinking it through. You sound like a nice person and I am sure you didn't deserve any of this. I am sorry they weren't there for you on your special day and hopefully someday they can grow up and tell you what's wrong. You deserve at least that much. Congratulations on your marriage and I hope you enjoy your husband!

Mh0819 · June 2012

OP, I know what you're going through. I'm experiencing it myself and it really sucks. You think you're going to have this great support network, and it's not all about the wedding, you just want friend time but it doesn't work out that way.

AmyNoelle · June 2012

In life, sometimes people just suck at being a friend. I started learning this in my 20's and have experienced it many times since. Friendships just fall off the wagon sometimes, there are a myriad of reasons. That being said, not even responsing to a shower or especially wedding invite is SO rude. Here's a few of my experiences from our wedding 3 weeks ago to put it in perspective:

1. One of FI's very closest buddies from grade and high school was invited, never responded. FI texted him to casually ask if he was coming, no response. His parents are friends with FI's parents and were at our wedding. I mentioned that we had not heard from him. Dad said, oh he's busy; mom said, gasp, he is so rude!! FI has still never heard a peep from him.

2. A girl I've known for years and for whom I stood up in her wedding about 6 years ago emailed me when she got the save the date. We haven't talked in a year or so, she seemed really excited that I had gotten engaged. She already knew she had a prior commitment for the wedding date but mentioned coming to the shower and bachelorette party. I sent her invitations to all three but never heard from her again, no RSVP's or anything.

3. A girl I hadn't talked to in a year or so who fell off the friend wagon contacted me to get together right after my invites went out. I hadn't sent her one because she was really bad at keeping in touch so we drifted apart. We got together and I told her all about the upcoming wedding and about FI. She apologized for being crappy at keeping in touch. Later, I texted her and asked for her address so I could add her to the invite list. She was thrilled, was not offended that she was a late add, showed up and had a great time.

It's all relative. People are often too wrapped up in their own worlds. Now that I've thrown a wedding, I have a different perspective. I'll be a better guest in the future, not blowing stuff off or waiting to reply. Empathy!

RNMOMTO3 · June 2012

@Annk85- I experienced this at our wedding in April as you did. My 2 half sisters and one of my husband's sister didn't show up, neither did any of the 5 coworkers that were so excited 4 days before the wedding, and several others that begged to get an invite. I was really hurt that family and friends didn't show up but we had a beautiful wedding with the 80 people that was there to love and support us. I'm just having a hard time dealing with my anger that I still have about the ones that "had other things to do". His sister that didn't come had minor country star concert tickets that she bought 3 months before the wedding. Our date and venue were set A YEAR BEFORE. She knew that months before she bought the concert tickets but chose it over her brother's wedding. I did nothing to make these family members mad so I chalked it up to their own selfishness. It's hard to not have hurt feelings. Look at your beautiful wedding pictures and think what a fabulous, special day you had and they missed. Thats how I channel my hurt feelings.

CalliDolli · July 2012

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CalliDolli · July 2012

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