Community› Wedding Discussion Boards› Military Brides
Military Brides
New Discussion

To wait or not...

tkdgrl86tkdgrl86 member
First Anniversary First Comment
in Military Brides

This is my first time posting here. My boyfriend (who is in the army) and I have been "secretly" engaged since September. We were just waiting till both of us have more money before he got me a ring and we went public with the engagement. Now, he's going to deploy for a whole year next February. If we waited till he got back, it'll be 2 & 1/2 to 3 years before we could get married. We'd both like to get married before he deploys but neither of us really have money. And if we somehow got the money, would it be wise to marry shortly before he deploys? Any advice is welcome.

Report Reply to Post

Re: To wait or not...

  • Beachy730Beachy730 member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Well my general advice is to wait through a deployment and see how your relationship changes based on that.  Deployments can make or break a couple, and you really never know how it will affect you until you go through it. 

    Why are you "secretly" engaged?  Does your family not approve, or think you are too young?  Only you know what's right for you, but it makes me wonder if they don't approve if you're keeping it a secret. 

    Only you and him know what is right for you.  Getting married right before a deployment sucks.  H got deployed 3 months after our wedding, and while I don't regret how we did it, it does suck sometimes to have all these "firsts" as a married couple that we aren't together for.  At our 2 year anniversary we will have spent about 10 months together.  But we were both 26 when we got married and knew it was right for us.  I know that at 21 or maybe even 24 I probably couldn't handle this like I can now, but everyone is different.  What seems right to you?
    imageBabyFruit Ticker
    Report Reply
  • kyrgyzstankyrgyzstan member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I would wait. FI and I are getting married in August, he'll deploy shortly after. I've been on the home front of two deployments, I know what to expect. He's been in 10 years, and knows what deployments do to him. 

    I think everyone should absolutely wait through at least one deployment if they can. Especially since you're secretly engaged, you'll barely have any time to enjoy being unsecretly engaged if you rush. I am totally loving being engaged, and planning our wedding. 
    I hate Dave Ramsey
    Report Reply
  • tkdgrl86tkdgrl86 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thanks ladies!
    First off, both of our parents approve of us as a couple and know we plan on getting married. He's 23 and been in for almost 6 years. I'm 25.
    The only reason its secret is, well, because we can't afford to be engaged for real, you know. Some people think without a ring you aren't engaged.
    A part of me wants to wait, but another part doesn't.
    I really appreciate your advice because I don't know any women who have gone through this.
    Report Reply
  • lmark7786lmark7786
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I would definitely wait, but you should do it the way you think is right for you and your FI. My DH and I had been together for 7 years and two deployments before we got married. With the time were engaged and his next deployment, we could have hurried up, gone to the court house, and gotten married right away before he left. Some people thought we were stupid not to since we could have been collecting the housing allowance/separation pay the whole time he was gone. For us, money is not everything, and our "dream" wedding with our family and friends, and the fact that we would have over 6 months together as newlyweds after he got back, was more important.
    TEST
    Report Reply
  • ksrawrksrawr member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I would wait though the deployment.  That is what we did and actually we were engaged without a ring for two months because DH propsed over webcam and was still waiting on the ring to get made and shipped to me.  No one thought it was weird. 
    **
    The Dogs and Us
    Report Reply
  • Beachy730Beachy730 member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011

    You definitely don't need a ring to be engaged, so congrats on the engagement!

    I completely understand not wanting to wait to get married.  It's an exciting time.  But I can speak from experience of planning a wedding, a PCS, moving cross country, looking for a job, and a deployment all within a 3 month window.  It's not fun at all, and extremely stressful.  Luckily I was blessed with the ability to handle and manage stress extremely well, but I know I'm different than most people.  And I don't know what your situation is like (whether you would have to move, or an upcoming PCS, etc.), but it's a lot all at once regardless. 

    Like I said before, only you know your strength as a couple, and your own personal strength to get through this.  But there are many many couples who think they can handle it, and get divorced either during deployments or right after.  Some things to definitely consider are how long you've been together, your experience so far with the military, and how independent of a person you are.  We can't answer any of those questions for you, but we can only speak from our own experiences and what we've seen.  Deployments can either strengthen or break a relationship, and you won't know which one it is until you go through it. 

    imageBabyFruit Ticker
    Report Reply
  • meggiemae85meggiemae85
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    If you go ahead and get married you can do a lot more things for the wedding and save more money for it, especially if you both work. Has your fiance thought about getting a small ring through military financing? It would solve the problem and also help his credit score if he pays it off. I speak from experience because this is what DH and I are doing. You can always have a big wedding for everyone to see when you have the money for it.It sucks to go through a deployment  but it's going to suck wether you are married or not.
    Report Reply
  • 99342919934291
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    My fiance and I are not waiting to go through a deployment to get married. He deploys this Oct, and were getting married next month. There is nothing driving us to be married before a deployment, jsut personal choice. You could do a JOP wedding, not tell anyone, and then have a "faux" wedding when he gets home! Just an ieda. But the other ladies are right, deployments can make or break a couple. As for my FI and I, were just gonna have to work through it. 

    Nothing is impossible though girl! 
    Report Reply
  • Beachy730Beachy730 member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_wait-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:114320b4-24ee-4245-b442-dac6dfa54b55Post:89dd6dfc-8fcb-42ac-acb2-226ebf290e20">Re: To wait or not...</a>:
    [QUOTE]My fiance and I are not waiting to go through a deployment to get married. He deploys this Oct, and were getting married next month. There is nothing driving us to be married before a deployment, jsut personal choice. <strong>You could do a JOP wedding, not tell anyone, and then have a "faux" wedding when he gets home!</strong> Just an ieda. But the other ladies are right, deployments can make or break a couple. As for my FI and I, were just gonna have to work through it.  Nothing is impossible though girl! 
    Posted by 9934291[/QUOTE]

    Please, please, PLEASE don't ever suggest this to people.  If you want to do a JOP then a PPD vow renewal later on, fine.  But PLEASE do not lie to you anyone about it.  First of all, it's deceitful to the military to claim the benefits of being married but not present yourself as a married couple.  Second, the truth ALWAYS ends up coming out, and people are very deeply hurt by the fact that they were lied to and witnessed a fake wedding.  I have a good friend who got married and kept it a secret from everyone, planning on having a PPD later on, and her parents found out and are still very hurt and upset with her over a year and a half later. 
    imageBabyFruit Ticker
    Report Reply
  • kara811kara811 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_wait-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:114320b4-24ee-4245-b442-dac6dfa54b55Post:89dd6dfc-8fcb-42ac-acb2-226ebf290e20">Re: To wait or not...</a>:
    [QUOTE]My fiance and I are not waiting to go through a deployment to get married. He deploys this Oct, and were getting married next month. There is nothing driving us to be married before a deployment, jsut personal choice. <strong>You could do a JOP wedding, not tell anyone, and then have a "faux" wedding when he gets home! Just an ieda.</strong> But the other ladies are right, deployments can make or break a couple. As for my FI and I, were just gonna have to work through it.  Nothing is impossible though girl! 
    Posted by 9934291[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>This is the worst advice I've seen in a very long time. OP, please don't do this, you will hurt a lot of people by doing so. I always suggest waiting out at least 1 deployment before going through a marriage. </div>
    Planning Bio /Married Bio
    Photobucket BabyFruit Ticker
    Report Reply
  • tkdgrl86tkdgrl86 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Again, thank you ALL for the advice! My honey and I will probably wait, as hard as it will be, unless by some miracle we win the lottery ;-)
    I wish each of you happiness with your sweethearts and may our sweethearts return quickly and safely from any deployment. God bless!
    Report Reply
  • davidshawndavidshawn
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    nice post.....
    Report Reply
  • lamoureux86lamoureux86 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    It sounds like you have made up your mind to wait (and I think you are making a smart move!) but I just had to chime in and say DO NOT DO THE "FAUX" WEDDING! Horrible, tacky, disrespectful idea!

    Best of luck to you and your FI during the deployment..if you come out stronger at the end of it (it's amazing what you learn about your other half during months of seperation..both good and sometimes bad), you know you got a good thing going..and then you can have your wedding and enjoy it that much more!
    Report Reply
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards