Honorary Bridemaids??

wjb623 · February 2012

I am getting married in October and I have four bridesmaids. We are having a very small wedding (we are paying for it ourselves). I wanted to ask 3 other girls to abe honorary bridesmaids. I will not make them do any "work" of any kind at the wedding, just come and they will be recognized on the program, get a corsage and get special seats, and wear the same colors as the wedding party if they would like. I am trying to think of an appropriate way to ask them. Any ideas?

TiffannieF · February 2012

A-NOBODY does 'work' for a wedding...not even your BMs.

B-I'm trying to give good advice here but all I can hear is "I would like for you to be a second runner up bridesmaid, here's a corsage, and you can wear colors of the wedding. I want people to do know you are special but not special enough to be a BM."

Does this make sense?

Don't do anything special with these girls...its an honor to be invited to an already initmate wedding. If anything just make sure you get a picture with these girls.

wjb623 · February 2012

They have been very helpful with planning, etc. I'm just trying to think of a way to recognize them at the wedding.

OBX2011 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_honorary-bridemaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:681ae4d8-0d0e-40b7-ad55-c539f8440a17Post:bcc4f8a6-8528-4d02-a472-1fa783f563a2">Honorary Bridemaids??</a>:
[QUOTE]I am getting married in October and I have four bridesmaids. We are having a very small wedding (we are paying for it ourselves). I wanted to ask 3 other girls to abe honorary bridesmaids. I will not make them do any "work" of any kind at the wedding, just come and they will be recognized on the program, get a corsage and get special seats, and wear the same colors as the wedding party if they would like. I am trying to think of an appropriate way to ask them. Any ideas?
Posted by wjb623[/QUOTE]

First of all, your BM's aren't there to do any "work" to begin with. You do the planning and YOU do the work too.

Why would you want to make them honorary BM's? That screams "you are good enough to be my friend and wear this corsage and be listed in the program like the rest of the WP, but you just didn't make the cut to actually be part of the WP"

This is just so beyond wrong in so many different ways. Either you make them part of your WP or make them a guest. Nothing more and nothing less. Period.

graysquirrel · February 2012

I would honor them by spending time with them during your reception, asking them to do a reading, or writing them a nice thank you letter. Anything else is going to really look like pity prize and will make them feel pretty awkward.

The title "honorary bridesmaid" is for people who cannot be there, like soldiers serving their country, people who live abroad, those in hospital, new moms, etc. If you give it to people who are there, it is going to look really funny and everyone will wonder why they are not just BMs.

mbcdefg · February 2012

If you're giving them special flowers and seats at the wedding, and asking them to wear specific outfits, then you're basically asking them to be bridesmaids. Because that's what the bridesmaids are there to do ... wear a specific color and walk down the aisle and sit in a special spot.

It's nice to want to recognize special friends, but if you do this then they're probably going to think, "Geez, why couldn't I just be a bridesmaid in this case?" If you just let them enjoy themselves as guests, then they will understand that you couldn't possibly include ALL of your friends as bridesmaids. Trust me, people aren't so hung up on other people's weddings that they'll just fall apart if they're not asked to be bridesmaids (unless they're straight-up crazy).

It's awesome if they've been really supportive or helpful. Feel free to write them a nice thank you note, give them a little gift in private, take them out for dinner or drinks, etc., to show your appreciation. I'm sure they would be touched.

However, you don't need to give them special recognition at the actual wedding. It's a WEDDING, not an awards ceremony. The point of a bridal party is to include your closest friends, not to publically show off who was the most helpful. Not only that, but your guests really, REALLY do not give a shiit about this sort of thing. They are there to see you get married and then party afterward, not look around and guess who was the most helpful based on what she's wearing and where she's sitting.

Either ask them to be bridesmaids, or don't. Either choice is fine, and it doesn't make you a bad person not to give everyone a special title or role. No in-between, though - bridesmaid or guest (or maybe a reader). People won't be offended if they aren't asked to be bridesmaids, but you WILL start to confuse and offend people if you ask them to do in-between, second-tier things. Like performing all the functions of a "real" bridesmaid but without the title.

KatWAG · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_honorary-bridemaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:681ae4d8-0d0e-40b7-ad55-c539f8440a17Post:28c5d8be-e60e-4b04-ac1e-90cac3235c74">Re: Honorary Bridemaids??</a>:
[QUOTE]A-NOBODY does 'work' for a wedding...not even your BMs. B-I'm trying to give good advice here but all I can hear is "<strong>I would like for you to be a second runner up bridesmaid</strong>, here's a corsage, and you can wear colors of the wedding. I want people to do know you are special but not special enough to be a BM." Does this make sense? Don't do anything special with these girls...its an honor to be invited to an already initmate wedding. If anything just make sure you get a picture with these girls.
Posted by TiffannieF[/QUOTE]

Ditto to all of this

TiffannieF · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_honorary-bridemaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:681ae4d8-0d0e-40b7-ad55-c539f8440a17Post:c6ac55bd-6ad8-4202-9437-8092fcf6244f">Re: Honorary Bridemaids??</a>:
[QUOTE]They have been very helpful with planning, etc. I'm just trying to think of a way to recognize them at the wedding.
Posted by wjb623[/QUOTE]

I would get them a little thank you gift, maybe thank them and all for helping with the wedding during your speech (if you have one).

Maggie0829 · February 2012

The title "Honorary BM" is for BMs that could not be at the wedding for a variety of reason (death, illness, birth of child, etc).

Like PP said, giving them this "title" is basically telling them that they just aren't good enough to actually be a real BM.

Even though they have been helpful to you does not mean that you have to recognize them at the wedding. Buy them a little gift or write them each a thank you card. Sometimes friends just like to help other friends out and don't expect anything in return.

MyNameIsNot · February 2012

IMHO, "Honorary Bridesmaid" means she's dead. Yes, it is also used for people that are in the hospital, abroad, etc. I still always assume it means the BM died.

Don't have runner up BMs. If they didn't make the cut, they don't make it the cut. Don't rub it in. If you want to thank them for something, use a thank you note.

blgrout · February 2012

Honorary Bridesmaids=you weren't good enough to be an actual bridesmaid. Or a dead bridesmaid. If I were asked to be an honorary BM, I'd be insulted.

There are plenty of other ways to honor your friends who are not in the WP, like making them a reader or cake cutter, singing a song (if they sing), or just thanking them with a little gift or mentioning them during a toast. Don't make them an honorary BM.

mcskatcat · February 2012

I would not do "honorary bridesmaids" as you have suggested. That is usually reserved for people who were actually going to be bridesmaids but could not be present for some reason.

What I would do is thank them in the program and get special gifts to show your appreciation.

Summer2011Bride · February 2012

Ditto the other posters who gave great advice. Don't make anyone an honorary BM unless one of the girls who is a BM cannot make it at the last minute because of illness, a death, etc. Then SHE could be considered honorary.

You might give these ladies a small gift or at least a nice thank you note for the help they've done. Spend time with them. Maybe take them out to lunch. You could also ask all/some of them to do a reading, depending. All of those ways of thanking them are fine. Skip the honorary BM stuff though.

pureheart08 · February 2012

I agree, either have them as Bridesmaids or nothing at all. It would be different if they were all "honorary". No one really cares about seeing bridesmaids walking down the isle anyway. Guests are there to see you and your FH get married. Of all the weddings I've been in, I would have been completely fine with just with not having to buy a dress and walk down the aisle. I would prefer to be at least thought of by the bride as a "special" guest. Taking pics with them and perhaps a little gift is enough.

Honorary Bridemaids??

Re: Honorary Bridemaids??

Choose Another Board

Search Boards