FI's sister as BM - wtf? Vent/Question

smashtastically · January 2010

Shortish version- I originally had 4 bridesmaids. 3 friends, and my younger sister. FI's sister told him she wanted to be included in the wedding in some way. I said she could stand on his side. This didn't seem to go over well. I didn't ask her to be on my side of the weddnig because I don't know her well. Well, one of my BMs was unable to commit until much closer to the wedding and when I mentioned FI's sister wanting to be in she let me know that while she would enjoy being in the wedding and wants to be there, she feels bad that she can't commit until later and that the wedding is about the joining of our families and that if FI's sister wants to be in the wedding it would be ok for her to take her place. (She is a great and understanding friend!)

So FI lets his sister know that we would like her to be a BM. Her response, after mentioning several times that she wanted to be in it? "Ok cool. I'll let you know.". You'll let us know!? Seriously? At this point, I'm very irritated. I'm trying to include her and get our relationship started off on the right foot by making sure that she's included in the wedding. Now, she has waited so long to "let us know" that the dress that the other bridesmaids got is out of stock. Now exactly what am I suppsoed to do when in a few weeks she finally makes up her mind and wants to be in it, with no dress in sight? I'm getting really frustrated trying to make sure that the wedding isn't inconvenient for anyone and that everyone is included as much as they want to be. Ugh!

bablingbrooke · January 2010

You have four whole months. You don't need an answer tomorrow. Fact is your FSIL kept saying she wanted in and, from her POV, you only invited her after another friend dropped out. Whether or not that was the intention, it looks to her like you only let her in as a "last resort." The sad fact is tie rarely goes to the bride in these situations.

She's definitely acting like a brat--she kept pushing and now you acquiesced and she's non-committal. So you have two choices: 1) get frustrated and therefore give her what she wants, or 2) step back and decide that whatever she does she can't ruin things for you. My own sister tried to pull sh!t like this; I barely noticed come the wedding day. Our wedding was perfect and yours will be too, regardless of how this girl acts.

Can't FI run some interference for you on this?

mbcdefg · January 2010

If she's unsure, isn't it better to let her take a while and think about it? Versus telling you "yes" right away and then backing out with a couple weeks left?

Being a BM can be a big commitment, especially in terms of money. And some BMs want to be very involved, and/or some brides want the BMs to be very involved. So if she needs some time to think, let her.

mm45737 · January 2010

i'd be irritated too. ugh. maybe if she does decide to take part, you might be able to find the dress on ebay or a used dress site? or maybe a store somewhere has a sample dress left. good luck!

n5cutting · January 2010

I would just remember that she is going to be part of the family very soon. I would try to be as understanding and patient as possible. You do not want to burn bridges with your inlaws. Maybe she thought that being a BM was a good way to get to know you and your friends but now she feels offended. Maybe just wanted to have a role in her brothers wedding in the traditional way. Instead of being a bridesmaid what if she is involved in the ceremony by reading a passage or a poem? Also talk to your FI and see if this is how she normally acts. If she is a bit of a drama queen, don't give in to it. Let it go. You will be much happier.

Huskerfanz · January 2010

Did you ask her before or after the BM dress was picked out? Maybe she's upset she wasn't involved with picking the dress or the budget for the dress if it was after.

MOBinFL2008 · January 2010

Let's see if I have this right.....FSIL wants to be included, You said she could stand on his side but that didn't go over well. After the other BM were asked your FI told her that she could be a BM.

OK, so you told her to be on the groom's side. Your FI told her she could be on your side. She hasn't give you a response and she isn't jumping for joy and you wonder why!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She wasn't asked by your FI to stand on his side and she wasn't asked by you to stand on your side.

You've both just insulted the girl and made it obvious that neither of you want her in the wedding. I think you need to do some damage control or you're going to have a lousy relationship with your SIL.

If she lives nearby, you and your FI need to go sit down and talk to her. If she's not nearby, you need to pick up the phone and call her (don't email or text). Tell her that you're sorry that everything go so messed up and miscommunicated but that you woul love to have her stand on your side. Then it's up to her to decide what she wants to do.

trix1223 · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_fis-sister-bm-wtf-ventquestion?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:8c63cd2f-9b06-48d4-a99c-767af0f96f5bPost:65100d81-0302-4ab3-8b98-7d1d498b3d8c">FI's sister as BM - wtf? Vent/Question</a>:
[QUOTE]Shortish version- I originally had 4 bridesmaids. 3 friends, and my younger sister. FI's sister told him she wanted to be included in the wedding in some way. I said she could stand on his side. This didn't seem to go over well. I didn't ask her to be on my side of the weddnig because I don't know her well. Well, one of my BMs was unable to commit until much closer to the wedding and when I mentioned FI's sister wanting to be in she let me know that while she would enjoy being in the wedding and wants to be there, she feels bad that she can't commit until later and that the wedding is about the joining of our families and that if FI's sister wants to be in the wedding it would be ok for her to take her place. (She is a great and understanding friend!) So FI lets his sister know that we would like her to be a BM. Her response, after mentioning several times that she wanted to be in it? "Ok cool. I'll let you know.". You'll let us know!? Seriously? At this point, I'm very irritated. I'm trying to include her and get our relationship started off on the right foot by making sure that she's included in the wedding. Now, she has waited so long to "let us know" that the dress that the other bridesmaids got is out of stock. Now exactly what am I suppsoed to do when in a few weeks she finally makes up her mind and wants to be in it, with no dress in sight? I'm getting really frustrated trying to make sure that the wedding isn't inconvenient for anyone and that everyone is included as much as they want to be. Ugh!
Posted by smashtastically[/QUOTE]

So it was okay for your friend not to commit immediately, but not okay for your FSIL? What's the difference here exactly.

And I ditto the other ladies who said you didn't exactly graciously ask her.

Her: I'd like to be in the wedding party.
You: I don't want you on my side, stand with your brother.
Her: Ummm, no. I'd be uncomfortable doing that.
You: Okay then. I have a WP already.
Your friend: Since I can't completely commit, go ahead and ask your FSIL.
You: My friend isn't in the WP anymore. I need someone to fill her spot and I guess you can do it.

How exactly did you expect her to respond? She knows she's the second string player here.

Yes, she may be annoying you, but you have to accept the bulk of the blame here. You handled this very poorly. I think you need to go to her, apologize and take ownership for the awkwardness between you, and see if together, you can come to a place of understanding.

She's going to be your SIL for a long, long time. And you've started off badly.

EDK2010 · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_fis-sister-bm-wtf-ventquestion?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:8c63cd2f-9b06-48d4-a99c-767af0f96f5bPost:ce072fe8-7f56-48f8-aaee-7c8007971760">Re: FI's sister as BM - wtf? Vent/Question</a>:
[QUOTE]No, she is not a "replacement". The original BM was "pretty" sure she could fill her role, but was willing to step down since FI's sister brought this up multiple times and I told her I was worried about it and didn't want there to be drama with his sister or her feelings being hurt being left out. Will the wedding fall apart if we have an uneven WP? No. And that is not my concern. My irritation is that I went out of my way to include her in the WP and now she's like eh, maybe. If she didn't want to be in the wedding, then why bring it up? At the very least, if she doesn't feel close to me she IS close to her brother and should be able to tell him what's up. Can she not afford it? Is something else a problem? That's the part I don't get. The wedding is 4 months away at this point, and I'm tired of playing wait and see.
Posted by smashtastically[/QUOTE]

Really you went out of your way to include her? No you didn't she is sloppy seconds and she obviously is aware of that. She wanted to be included and probably feels left out. If it were me I would want to support my brother, but if his new wife was insensitive to me from the start it would probably turn me off from wanting to be in the WP at all even if she did eventually ask me. I know I would have a hard time expressing myself to my brother if I was upset, because I would not want to offend him.

Give her some time, you probably hurt her feelings. If she doesn't want to be in the WP then you did reach out to her and you can't be to blame/feel guilty. If she says no then at least you have your friend.

banana468 · January 2010

I think if she's in the loop on the entire situation then she may have a feeling like she was last picked for kickball.

I understand that you're stressed but I think it may be time for a damage control conversation. This is going to wind up not being about your wedding but about your relationship with your SIL once you're married so the best thing to do is try to smooth things out now before she has a bad taste in her mouth at the wedding.

smashtastically · January 2010

I can see how it may look "ungracious", however she didn't know who was chosen for what or when. She has no idea that someone else was asked. As far acs being upset about the dress- it's $40. That's about the cheapest BM dress I've ever heard of. FI sort of runs interference, but she lives in NC now with her boyfriend, we live in Chicago, and the wedding is in Louisiana (where they are originally from). Also keep in mind it's not like I said, hey we figured out how to include you in the wedding, please let me know RIGHT this second. It's been a few weeks now. I understand needing to think about it. No, she wasn't punted to his side as far as the ceremony goes- we were trying to keep the sides even (in hindsight, not all that important)- and since I do not know her well (I've met her twice), I suggested to FI, in PRIVATE that maybe it would be better for her to stand on his side. He sees this as an opportunity for us to bond, and maybe it could be. The feeling I get is that we're both kind of like huh this is a little awkward but ok.

When we first got engaged I asked her how she would like to be involved (I suppose I should have said this first)- if she wanted to be IN the wedding, or wanted to do a reading, or help with the girly stuff the day of, or what. I got zero response from her. Naturally after trying to include her and hearing nothing back I felt slightly irritated LATER after I had chosen my BMs to hear that she wanted to be included. Why didn't she respond when I tried to connect with her the first time? This was the beginning leading up to subsequent events of someone stepping down etc etc. Sigh.

At any rate. I am not close to her, but I was happy to include her in things because she will be part of my new family and FI cares about her a lot. It would be nice to get close to her. I guess it hurt my feelings when she didn't bother to say anything and though I'm still open to including her I don't feel like it's my job to keep reaching out. FI does kind of run interference, but even with him she can be non-commital. Considering we/I won't see her until the wedding, how does one go about "smoothing" that over?

Huskerfanz · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_fis-sister-bm-wtf-ventquestion?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:8c63cd2f-9b06-48d4-a99c-767af0f96f5bPost:47fc4d7f-0109-44b0-910c-7c49a574088f">Re: FI's sister as BM - wtf? Vent/Question</a>:
[QUOTE]I can see how it may look "ungracious", however she didn't know who was chosen for what or when. She has no idea that someone else was asked. As far acs being upset about the dress- it's $40. That's about the cheapest BM dress I've ever heard of. FI sort of runs interference, but she lives in NC now with her boyfriend, we live in Chicago, and the wedding is in Louisiana (where they are originally from). Also keep in mind it's not like I said, hey we figured out how to include you in the wedding, please let me know RIGHT this second. It's been a few weeks now. I understand needing to think about it. No, she wasn't punted to his side as far as the ceremony goes- we were trying to keep the sides even (in hindsight, not all that important)- and since I do not know her well (I've met her twice), I suggested to FI, in PRIVATE that maybe it would be better for her to stand on his side. He sees this as an opportunity for us to bond, and maybe it could be. The feeling I get is that we're both kind of like huh this is a little awkward but ok. When we first got engaged I asked her how she would like to be involved (I suppose I should have said this first)- if she wanted to be IN the wedding, or wanted to do a reading, or help with the girly stuff the day of, or what. I got zero response from her. Naturally after trying to include her and hearing nothing back I felt slightly irritated LATER after I had chosen my BMs to hear that she wanted to be included. Why didn't she respond when I tried to connect with her the first time? This was the beginning leading up to subsequent events of someone stepping down etc etc. Sigh. At any rate. I am not close to her, but I was happy to include her in things because she will be part of my new family and FI cares about her a lot. It would be nice to get close to her. I guess it hurt my feelings when she didn't bother to say anything and though I'm still open to including her I don't feel like it's my job to keep reaching out. FI does kind of run interference, but even with him she can be non-commital. Considering we/I won't see her until the wedding, how does one go about "smoothing" that over?
Posted by smashtastically[/QUOTE]

Regardless of cost, was she involved in picking the dress?

Are you positive she didn't know the BMs had already been picked? She could have heard through your FI's mom or someone else.

From what you are posting, I'm not really getting the feeling you are really happy about her being involved.

Have you or your FI called her to see why she hasn't responded?

cheergurl8194 · January 2010

Well if you didn't choose his sister from the beginning, she probably feels left out and like a last resort. I have three brothers, one who my fiance doesn't know well at all but because it is important to me he askedall of them to be groomsmen. My fiance has a step sister whom I've met once (they're not very close), but I told him from the very beginning if he wanted her in the wedding party I would have no problem with that.

I guess I think of it this way, our families are joining regardless of how close I am with his sister or he is with my brothers, we will all be a family.

And she IS probably taking her time getting back to you because of this.

emilyinchile · January 2010

Based on your follow-up post, this all just sounds like a misunderstanding to me. You asked her what she'd like to do in the wedding, and she didn't give you a firm answer. I can imagine that she felt a little awkward, since you guys aren't all that close, and I personally would feel weird saying something like "well I REALLY want to be a BM" in that situation but wouldn't want to say "oh, I'll just be a reader" if I really did want to be a BM and was hoping you'd ask me. So you felt kind of hurt by that, even though that might not have been her intention

Then you asked your other BMs. Even if you say she didn't know about this, most people don't wait until 5 months before the wedding to ask, so I'd imagine she's aware that she's been asked later. And she probably felt kind of hurt by that and is trying to figure out what to do, which in turn is upsetting you.

Just call the girl. I know you're saying your FI's in the middle, and she's his sister, but you've asked her to stand up for you. Call her up not to pressure her for an answer but to explain that you're hoping to get to know her better in general, whether or not she's a BM, and see how that goes.

FI's sister as BM - wtf? Vent/Question

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