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Beverly+Phil=Wedding · June 2010

Resolved.

Thanks knotties!

JadziaDax · June 2010

It's really early so maybe I didn't get the whole story, but from what i'm reading, you are upset that your bridesmaid didn't buy her dress? I didn't get such a negative vibe from what you wrote...Try not to worry too much about her. I think you're making more stress for yourself. I'm sure she'll get in the dress in time and you have a lot more important things to worry about.
Also, Is it necessary to have a group email for the wedding? Really, you and your fiance can plan most aspects of the wedding yourselves... Try not to let the situation stress you out, that's the last thing you need right before your wedding.

baystateapple · June 2010

I need some advice (and no negative comments please).

I read this and warning bells automatically went off.

1) You don't need a "group email" to repeatedly check on your bridesmaids. If you have something to say to them, try calling them up, especially if (as you say), it's that important to get to them ASAP.

2) I don't think it's being negative of your BM to be upset that she had no say in the dress that she has to shell out for herself. Did you at least ask your BMs about their individual budgets before you picked a dress? I don't care how inexpensive you think it is; depending on each girl's budget, she might not be able to afford it, and you should have asked them for some input before saying "Here is the dress, go buy it." I'm not surprised none of them have gone out yet.

I'm sorry that you have a disability where stress causes you so many problems, but there are plenty of women on these boards who have medical issues, who don't treat their friends with the level of thoughtlessness you're treating your WP. Call them up, ask them what their individual budgets are for their wedding attire, and if the dress you picked is too expensive, then change your plans.

Oh, and as to the final paragraph of your OP? This is a public message board. If you put something out there, people can respond however they want to.

baystateapple · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_negative-bridesmaid-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1525fd20-1be2-4e2f-8f9e-246481e18915Post:537142df-fab1-405f-bf60-ce7ff602a535">What to do about a "negative" bridesmaid"?</a>:
[QUOTE]I need some advice (and no negative comments please). I have 2 bridesmaids (they have been best friends with each other since childhood, which makes the situation trickier). The problem is the one bridesmaid, who is a good friend, is making everything SO stressful for me that it's ruining my wedding experience. I have a Facebook joint email going between the 2 bridesmaids and I so we are all on the same page. I changed my destination wedding (where I had no wedding party) to having a local wedding and asked them 6 months before the wedding (as you can see I have 2 months & 3 weeks until the wedding). Since we changed to a local wedding, my fiancee and I have to plan EVERYTHING in 6 months so I need to get it done as quick as possible. I have a permanent disability and can't work, so doing lots of work and lots of stress makes my symptoms flare up. Everytime I check the "group" email, I get negativitiy from her. I picked out my dress without and the bridesmaids dresses by myself. I never asked them to go with me. I went alone because she was graduating college, and the stores said I need a dress asap. She says I'm "ruining the experience" because we're not doing the things we "should all be doing together", and was mad when I did the 2 above mentioned things, but keeps telling me "it's my day and ultimately my decision". She also says she "wants us to do everything a certain way from now on to "make up" for me picking out my dress by myself. I told her to please stop with the negativitiy and explained the circumstances more than once, also how much it is making my illness flare up, but she's still doing it. I finally asked the bridesmaids to do one thing, go buy their dresses I picked out. Just go to any David's Bridal location asap, have them pull up my account and just get measured for the dress and order it. DB told me if we didn't order them in the next week, it is very likely we won't get them in time for the wedding. That was over 2 weeks ago and they have yet to buy their dresses!!! (so they may not be able to get dresses). She has nothing to do all day and doesn't really work and lives at home, but instead of just buying the dress, has argued about it every step of the way. I'm to embarrased to put my MOH in the email because of the way she's acting. Now I dread checking the group email because of what she will say next, which is almost always negative and hurtful. I had no idea she was like this or I wouldn't have asked her to be a bridesmaid. Every little thing until my wedding day is going to be like this. I know she'll pull this attitude on my wedding day and ruin it for me. My MOH and fiancee tell me to tip-toe around her, try to brush it off, and not have long conversations with her, or I could lose her as a friend. I know it's horrible to ask someone not to be a bridesmaid anymore, but it's making my disease worse and I'm physically ill about it. The stress is killing me, and instead of enjoying the wedding process, she's ruining it. If someone else told me this story about themselves I would tell them to ditch the bridesmaid. How do I tell her to either change her negative, demeaning attitude or not be a bridesmaid, in a nice way (before she finally buys her dress in the next week and a half)? (I've unfortunately seen lots of negative, rude and childish responses made to other people's questions on this "wedding party" board and tried to speak with the moderator about this before posting this. I needed to ask this question asap, so please only respond if you have something postive or constructive to say). Thanks knotties!
Posted by Beverly+Phil=Wedding[/QUOTE]

JIC

banana468 · June 2010

I just responded to your other message.

Regarding the negativity, has the BM always been like this or has this just started? Did it begin with the group emails?

These seem like "cries for attention" on the part of your negative BM and I think group FB emails aren't the way to handle this.

1) What was the BM dress situation? Did you ask them for their likes/dislikes or budgets? If you didn't, I can understand why one may be upset about how she was just told to buy a dress with no input on it. Really, you should ask the BMs in advance what they do and don't like and then shop with them in their budgets for what will work. However that part is done. So onto

2) Can you offer to make contact with the BM who is being negative to see if you two can clear the air? It's really unfortunate that you have this illness, but I think you need to get to the bottom of what's eating away at her - and it sounds to me like she's putting out red flags that say "You need to be talking to me personally about this"

So that's what I'd do. Make the time to sit down over coffee or drinks or lunch and say, "Hey, I feel like there's some tension going on and I just want to know what I can do to make things easier." Remember, while it's your wedding, your BMs are there because you asked them to be there so make them want to be there.

If that means she'd rather get a different dress, be flexible about it. DB dresses look very similar and often come in with VERY short notice. If there's nothing you can do to change her negative attitude and she's like this all the time then rest well knowing it's not you it's her.

But stop the email chain for now and begin to handle the issues on a more personal level.

[Deleted User] · June 2010

Someone can only ruin your "wedding experience" if you let them. If you give this girl enough power to make you physically sick and ruin your entire wedding, then it's your own fault. If she doesn't get the dress, she doesn't stand up with you, simple as that. You don't even have to worry about it.

However, I do wonder if you asked them about their budget or anything else beforehand. I'd be pissed too if someone told me "this is what you have to wear" without asking me what I could afford.

By the way, telling people not to post a certain way only makes them want to do so even more. You don't get to dictate how people respond.

AdeleDazeem · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_negative-bridesmaid-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1525fd20-1be2-4e2f-8f9e-246481e18915Post:537142df-fab1-405f-bf60-ce7ff602a535">What to do about a "negative" bridesmaid"?</a>:
[QUOTE]? (I've unfortunately seen lots of negative, rude and childish responses made to other people's questions on this "wedding party" board and tried to speak with the moderator about this before posting this. I needed to ask this question asap, so please only respond if you have something postive or constructive to say). Thanks knotties!
Posted by Beverly+Phil=Wedding[/QUOTE]

I'd respond... but, I don't want to break the rules.

stina93446 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_negative-bridesmaid-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1525fd20-1be2-4e2f-8f9e-246481e18915Post:537142df-fab1-405f-bf60-ce7ff602a535">What to do about a "negative" bridesmaid"?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I need some advice (and no negative comments please). </strong>
Posted by Beverly+Phil=Wedding[/QUOTE]

<div>I saw this, and I'm not even being snarky, but I laughed. You can't just expect every answer to be peachy keen. There will always be some good, some not nice, etc. You just have to take it since you're the one with the "problem" asking a bunch of strangers for advice.</div>

psichick · June 2010

i'm failing to see the negativity in your BM. you picked out your dress by yourself, which she seems disappointed in. okay whatever. then you went and picked out the dress for them, seemingly without discussing it with them before so you had no idea about budget or anything, and she's upset about that. i would be too. you're upset that they haven't ordered them yet. well maybe they can't afford it. since you didn't bother asking them before it seems like a reasonable potential issue.

she's then stating that she would like to be more involved in the wedding planning with you. how is that a bad thing?

it seems like you're the one with the issue here, not her.

Lilou902 · June 2010

I think that alot of brides have different expectations going into their wedding. We are all set up for "it's all about me". And while, yes, you are in the spotlight on your wedding day, there are lots of other people who are in the mix leading up to the big day.

I agree with the pp, that you need to talk to your bridesmaid about what is up with her. Also, ditch the group emails. I don't talk to my bridesmaids about the wedding unless they ask me something specifically and then I answer. I have learned that from these boards - I don't want to go overboard on wedding talk. One of my girls was late in getting her dress. She had just had a baby and I knew money was tight, so I offered to pay for the dress and she could pay me back in payments. She declined and got the dress when she could. I was worried, but it wasn't the end of the world, and I offered my help in a way that I could, just like if she were having a problem with anything else. Also, my bm picked out their dresses. It was very important to me that they feel comfortable in what their wearing.

Other than buy a dress, I have not asked my bm to do anything. They threw me a shower ( a wonderful shoer at that) and all I expect of them that day is to stand next to me as I take my vows. Otherwise, they can just enjoy the party.

You and your FI will need to do most of the planning, etc. You should probably dial down the wedding talk/ group emails with your girls. Ask them to join you for a movie or dinner and just enjoy their friendship. After all that is the reason they are in your wedding. I bet things would settle down then. I would also suggest letting them have some say in their dresses to include style/price.

trix1223 · June 2010

You don't want "mean"? Okay. But I do feel compelled to point out that there's a difference between blunt and honest, and "mean". Learn the difference.

So having said that: here's what you need to learn to live by. And I mean about everything, not just your wedding.

"You can't control what other people do. You can only control how you respond to it."

If this woman is making your disabilities flare up, and making you ill, it's not her fault. It's yours. Relax. Accept her for what she and who she is.

She was apparently close enough to you that you wanted her with you on your wedding day. Return to what it was about her that you loved enough to include her in your WP.

Your wedding is a one day event. This is a long time friendship. There had to be more there, and I'd hope you're not willing to throw it away over a 1 day party.

Finally, plenty of people have planned a wedding in less than 6 months. Again, it's a party. If it's making you sick, you need to scale back on your plans. Re-evaluate your wedding in terms of what your WANT versus what you NEED. Then drop everything on the WANT list.

It's a wedding. Not a State Dinner at the White House. Keep some perspective and it will be easier and you'll be happier.

GL

mbcdefg · June 2010

If she didn't get to try on the bridesmaid dress or voice her opinion about it before you chose it, then she has the right to be angry. If she's paying for it and wearing it, then she absolutely deserves some say in what it looks like ... you can definitely have the FINAL say, but not the TOTAL say.

And a group e-mail is completely unnecessary. All they need to know is what to wear, and when to show up for the rehearsal/ceremony/reception. They don't need to know all the other details, so only bring it up if they ask about it. Otherwise, if you insist on multiple group e-mails about stuff that doesn't concern them, you are sure to give them Wedding Burnout.

CTGirl30 · June 2010

Ditto the other ladies on the point about her not having any input on the dress that's she's got to purchase and will most likely only wear once. I can understand being annoyed if she's less than thrilled with your selection or doesn't feel like it will be flattering, etc. She's going to be standing up there with you during the ceremony and in the photos in that dress...so really, the best move for any bride to make when it comes to BM dress selection is to start by asking the girls for their budgets and also hearing them out on any style concerns, etc. While its ultimately your choice, a gracious bride does take her friends' feelings into consideration - and especially their budgets.

FYI, David's Bridal told me 2 months for my girls' dresses. They came in in 2 weeks. So they often do come in quicker than they tell you.

Again, you cannot control how other people behave. You can only control your own reactions to situations. So it sounds like you need to find some more effective coping mechanisms to handle the stress levels so you can avoid making yourself sicker here...planning a wedding isn't supposed to be causing you flareups in your condition or making you sick. Step back, take a deep breath, and trust your good friend won't let you down in the end. And stop with the mass emails. Pick up the phone or sit down over lunch and talk as friends - not as The Bride and A Bridesmaid. Sometimes weddings overshadow the friendships that came before and that you hope will be there afterward (unless you start micromanaging friends and treating them like crap, that is).

ETA: I've unfortunately seen lots of negative, rude and childish responses made to other people's questions on this "wedding party" board and tried to speak with the moderator about this before posting this. I needed to ask this question asap, so please only respond if you have something postive or constructive to say).
Also, as a reg on this board, I find this rather amusing. Oftentimes people are looking for candy-coated responses or validation - when the honest responses are usually what's going to be more helpful if you saves your friendship or keeps you from making a 'zilla move. We'll tell you things your IRL friends may not (or may say behind your back). It isn't always what someone wants to hear but wouldn't you rather get honest feedback than smarmy validation? I think I'd want the truth, not a$$-kissing, but that's me.

gottahavashorti · June 2010

If the wedding is too stressful to plan, hire a wedding planner.

She should have some say in the price and fit of the dress. It may be too expensive for her or a style that looks ridiculous on her.

David's Bridal dresses do not take long to come in. She may also be able to find a used dress online. If the dress exists in any DB store in the US in the correct color and size, they can do store to store shipping on their dresses. Two months is more time left than it took my SIL to plan her wedding, and she and her attendant both managed to have dresses. It will be okay.

It is not okay to kick out a BM.

Stop responding to the group e-mail. The BMs need to know what dress to purchase, the last date the store will allow them to purchase that dress, the time and location of the rehearsal, what time to be at the wedding and the location of the wedding. That can be conveyed in a single e-mail or phone call, then don't talk wedding with the BM any longer.

You will not get rude, childish responses unless you're being particularly crazy. There is a different between honest and rude, childish and negative. Please do not misinterpret honesty and failing to validate posters as rude, childish negativity.

mbcdefg · June 2010

ETA to my original post:

The more you include people in the planning process, and the more you expect out of them, the more they will disappoint you. Constant access to wedding information opens the door for people to criticize you, complain, make unwanted comments or suggestions, etc. And the more you expect from them, the more potential they have to let you down when they don't do it.

The solution? Stop involving them. Quit it with the group e-mails. If they know where to get their dresses, then they've got all the information they need to know. The more you hound them to do it, the less likely they are to actually get it done. They have the information, so step back and wash your hands of it.

And ditto PP - if the wedding plans are too stressful, either scale things back or hire a planner. Planning a wedding is only as difficult as YOU make it, so you are in total control of how the planning goes. If you keep things simple and make it a point not to stress out about things, it'll likely be smooth sailing. If you have grand plans, especially if lots of other people are involved, then you will likely run into problems.

jenn.daniel · June 2010

As far as her complaining about the dress, I won't get into asking her about her budget as other people have already addressed that. Is there something specific about the dress she doesn't like. Is it too short on her or does it make her look short? Then get a different length. Is it strapless or a deep V? Maybe she'd like to be more covered up. If it's something like that, choose a similar style.

Really, it sounds like she wants to be more involved. Most gals complain here that their BMs aren't interested. She's disappointed she didn't get to do the dress thing with her. Ask for her help picking out your accesories.

FWIW, I see nothing wrong with a group email. I have one w/my BMs because one just never answers her phone and the other is out of the country for the summer. It's been dead for the past 2 weeks, since one BM asked where the church was relative to another landmark.

JoyTate1 · June 2010

If stress is causing a flare up in a disability you have, I would suggest you seek counseling. Counseling can teach you some coping mechanisms because nothing you listed above should be causing you that much stress. You will never be able to control other people's actions, so maybe you should learn to control your reactions.

banana468 · June 2010

I'm also going to echo the coping mechanisms.

It's awful if you have a condition that can flare up. BUT, if an email does that, hopefully there are things that you can do that help you cope with the issue.

Beverly+Phil=Wedding · June 2010

Thanks for the great advice everyone, I really appreciate it. Also thanks for the heads up that DB dresses come in way sooner than the store tells you. Ahhh...my stress is gone

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