Moms and Maids

Just a little MOB/Bride tension...I think I figured it out (long)

My daughter is engaged to be married in May to a FABULOUS young man. I am thrilled for her, thrilled for him, thrilled for THEM.

This is a very short engagement so there is a lot to be done. I should add here that
a) my daughter and I have always had a good, close relationship, and
b) neither of us is much for drama.

So why do we have a bit of tension?

I say, "so, have you thought about what kind of centerpieces you would like?" She says, "oh, we have them all picked out." She proceeds to describe them to me and I feel just a little.....stung? left out? Something.....

Two weeks ago it dawned on me: the profound thing about my only child's marriage, at least for this mom, is that I'm no longer her "first string" family. Where before she might have called me first with exciting news, now it will (rightfully!!) be her husband who is first on that list. In short, her "immediate family" is changing as she becomes a married woman.

I raised her the best I could and she has blossomed into a young woman who I would want as a friend if she weren't already my daughter. I am incredibly proud of her. I would not want her to be tied to me all her life, to be the woman who was "in trouble" if she didn't call her mother every week, or whatever. I'm delighted that she's found someone who treasures her.

Despite the joy, I mourn a little that I'm moving down a notch on her list of VIPs.

It took me two whole weeks to realize that just as I see the wedding preparation as a time of change for our relationship, she likely sees it that way, too! And so as much as I would love to hear of every tiny detail, it's right and appropriate that she and her FI are doing the planning. She'll tell me about the details she chooses to share, when she chooses to share them. She'll ask for help when she needs it.

Thanks for listening.

Re: Just a little MOB/Bride tension...I think I figured it out (long)

  • brilibby4brilibby4 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm not sure what you expect us to say her but I'm glad you figured it out.  Your daughter is growing up, it doesn't make you any less important/special to her. 
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  • brilibby4brilibby4 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    here* not her!  Oops, apparently its time for me to go to bed!
    image
  • SheilaSSheilaS member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    No real expectations, thanks...I just wanted to share. Maybe deep down I thought if someone else was feeling some similar tension it might help to offer a perspective on its source.
  • KnibletKniblet member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You know, Sheila... I think this is what's wrong with MY mom.  She's been a little "off" lately and I think it's because she is having a hard time letting go.  And that's totally understandable.

    I think it's a good thing that you have had this realization.  Although it still stings, it may be easier for you to deal with it in the future.

    Good luck to you!  And good luck to your daughter and your future son.

    -Knibs

    vacation vacation vacation vacation
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    Back in June 2010...
  • KnibletKniblet member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    [QUOTE]I'm not sure what you expect us to say her but I'm glad you figured it out.  Your daughter is growing up, it doesn't make you any less important/special to her. 
    Posted by brilibby4[/QUOTE]

    I don't think she wanted any actual advice.  That's why she ended it with "Thanks for listening".  I think more moms would post here if there weren't so many brides on this board bashing their mothers.
    vacation vacation vacation vacation
    It's almost here! Weeeeeeee!
    image
    my read shelf:
    Jaime's book recommendations, favorite quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf)
    43/70 books read

    Back in June 2010...
  • edited December 2011
    Hi Sheila, thanks for saying that.
    I'm an MOB, too, and know where you're coming from. I remember what it was like planning my own wedding and dealing with a controlling mom. I sure don't want to be that way with my daughter. It was awful.
    I want this to be a happy time for our families, so, like you, I'm trying to take a laid back approach.


                       
  • edited December 2011
    You are truly a wise woman. Thank you for sharing. :)
  • BellaSposa223BellaSposa223 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011

    Hi Shelia,

    My mom and I have a very close relationship as well. My mom is who I run to for everything and I am very much her little girl. Being in the same type of relationship with my mom and being close with my FI doesn't make my mom any less special or want her less in my life. FI is sometimes just closer to help with descisions. My mom doesn't have this problem of letting go, she wants me to move on but in the nicest way possible. It's good that you're realizing this, it'll help you in the future. I think you're just a proud mom, a lot like my mom =)


    Jaimie

  • lca315girllca315girl member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    Sheila, after reading your post, I don't think there's a way that you could move a millimeter down in your daughter's VIP list. You're too fabulous and too wise for that to happen.  

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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_just-little-mobbride-tensioni-think-figured-out-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:2a000a73-99aa-4d34-9500-57618a25e48aPost:098d2ccf-fd01-4058-8407-b40ac386d341">Re: Just a little MOB/Bride tension...I think I figured it out (long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Sheila, after reading your post, I don't think there's a way that you could move a millimeter down in your daughter's VIP list. You're too fabulous and too wise for that to happen.  
    Posted by lca315girl[/QUOTE]

    <font color="#003366"><strong>I could not agree more :) </strong></font>
  • lalap69lalap69 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thanks for sharing.  But just to consider, just because her FI is now the most important person to your DD, doesn't mean that you're any less important to her.  I'm glad you've got it figured out. :)
    Planning Our Wedding - Updated 04/11/11
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  • edited December 2011
    Well, my mother is and always has been my best friend. I still talk to her almost every day and it's not a "get in trouble" or "momma's girl" kind of thing, she's just my closest friend outside of my FI. I talk to her about the same things I talk to him about, because I always get a different perspective.

    I don't think I could ever move her down the VIP list.
  • SheilaSSheilaS member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thanks, Ladies.

    Rereading this, I think I didn't state the matter of her VIP list clearly. It's not that I feel supplanted or that I'll mean less to her once she marries. I had a dear, dear mother (rest in peace, Mom) and I have a wonderful husband and a heart big enough for both--and I'm sure she has, too.

    When she left for college some years ago (she's 27 now) I went to help her set up her new place and cried all the way home. Talking to my sister, later, she said, "remember, this is what you raised her for." I retorted, "easy for you to say. Your oldest child is FIVE!"

    THIS is what I raised her for....to be a loving, wonderful woman who's establishing herself in a union with a terrific man, building a family of her own.

    I'm continually stunned by the emotions of this experience.

    Guess I'm kinda slow on the uptake. Wink


  • edited December 2011
    Sheila, are you MY mom? Cuz my mom bawled like a baby on the way home from helping me move away to college, has a sister with a younger daughter, and loves the man I'm going to marry....

    Kidding, I'm not 27 and my Grandma still lives next door. But you know, hearing how similiar you are to my mom makes me wonder if she too is experiencing these emotions. She's said she's going to cry nonstop at the wedding because she's so happy, but now I am curious if she's fearing that she'll somehow be left behind. I certainly hope not.
  • edited December 2011
    Is all I can say is I wish my Mother were like you, Sheila. My Mom is totally non-exsistent in the planning process. And it has led to many freak out sessions by me.
  • SheilaSSheilaS member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_just-little-mobbride-tensioni-think-figured-out-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:2a000a73-99aa-4d34-9500-57618a25e48aPost:eed17b4d-1866-43c3-a6b2-9b02ee393fab">Re: Just a little MOB/Bride tension...I think I figured it out (long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Is all I can say is I wish my Mother were like you, Sheila. My Mom is totally non-exsistent in the planning process. And it has led to many freak out sessions by me.
    Posted by MissySue20[/QUOTE]

    I'm so sorry.
  • MidgetteMidgette member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_just-little-mobbride-tensioni-think-figured-out-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:2a000a73-99aa-4d34-9500-57618a25e48aPost:cf1bddaa-81cf-4a7c-b583-e076acac7056">Re: Just a little MOB/Bride tension...I think I figured it out (long)</a>:
    [QUOTE] THIS is what I raised her for....to be a loving, wonderful woman who's establishing herself in a union with a terrific man, building a family of her own.
    Posted by SheilaS[/QUOTE]

    <div>All moms should feel this way. </div><div>
    </div><div>My mom is one of my best friends, and this wedding process has made us even closer at times, but at each others throats other times lol </div><div>
    </div><div>
    </div>

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  • dawn4433dawn4433 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thank you for this post!  Glad to hear there are moms like you!
  • edited December 2011
    Sheila,

    Bless your heart.  I hope the wedding is beautiful and wonderful and a happy experience for your both.  I am waiting for my mother to have this same realization...I often have the "oh, well thanks, but I already bought that for the wedding."  I feel like I have to reject her ideas constantly, which is hard for me.  I'm sure it'll all work out in the end :)
  • SheilaSSheilaS member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_just-little-mobbride-tensioni-think-figured-out-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:2a000a73-99aa-4d34-9500-57618a25e48aPost:e1d88da9-8700-403c-8a1e-7d8d25f43628">Re: Just a little MOB/Bride tension...I think I figured it out (long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Sheila, Bless your heart.  I hope the wedding is beautiful and wonderful and a happy experience for your both.  I am waiting for my mother to have this same realization...I often have the "oh, well thanks, but I already bought that for the wedding."  I feel like I have to reject her ideas constantly, which is hard for me.  I'm sure it'll all work out in the end :)
    Posted by greengirl09[/QUOTE]

    Thanks, Greengirl. Bless your heart, too! May I offer a suggestion for you? Of the things that you haven't done yet,  see if there's isn't an item/task or two that you could ask Mom to handle for you. It's best to choose something that you don't have strong feelings about so that you can truly be delighted with her choice.

    Early in the planning process, my husband and I hosted dinner for the kids, her dad, and his mom. My daughter laid out what was already done, what remained, and asked what things people felt strongly about. Some of the answers were a bit surprising, but she's used that information to invite the parents in to help with things that are meaningful/important to them.
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