My Sister is My MOH .... not going well - LONG

Re: My Sister is My MOH .... not going well - LONG

• kaitlyn&henry member

  

  December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_sister-moh-not-going-well-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:562092d5-ba0d-437d-8395-5db3ecb29418Post:d891d22a-1b41-4cc7-a95e-748d927af37b">My Sister is My MOH .... not going well - LONG</a>:
  [QUOTE]My Sister is 31, I'm 23. We never really got along growing up, which is normal for a big age difference I guess. SO anyways, we've never really been those super close sisters that talk all the time, share clothes, etc. So it took me a little by surprise when she wanted to be my MOH. Well these past few weeks it seems like every other time we talk, it turns into a fight.
  
  <em>Did you ask her to be your MOH because she wanted to be?? or did you never correct her and just let her be?</em>
  
  Two weeks ago, one of my bridesmaids dropped out bc she said she didn't have money to order the dress. My sister sided with her and said I should've given them 2+ weeks notice on the deadline for ordering (I gave everyone 3 weeks... as soon as I knew we had to order by mid-Dec to get it in on time for alterations). Well when I stated that it just started a huge fight about how I didn't and how she's not really helping me like she said she would....
  
  <em>did you talk about a budget before deciding on a dress? Did you give a clear deadline or did you just say middle of december? Sometimes if its not definitive it gets lost in the sauce</em>
  
  Then we decided to buy a few Christmas gifts together so we could give some people something a little nicer. I told her if I got my uncle this one gift it'd be $40, if I got him the other it'd be $30. So I wound up getting the $40 one bc they were out of the other. When she asked me what the total for her half of the gifts were I told her $45. She said that I said it was supposed to be $35 and basically acted like I was trying to rip her off or something so I was like whatever just give me $35 if it's that big a deal, and she's like you need to stop getting so mad over everything and being so explosive....
  
  <em>again, maybe you werent clear enough or talk to her about what was going on during the pruchasing process. It just sounds like communication is really important to her
  
  </em>Now today she asked me what time we're going to meet on Friday and I was on the phone so I just texted back "after work" and was going to text her the details when I hung up (in hindsight I shoud've just waited to text her back and avoided all this mess). She almost immediately texts me back that i don't communicate properly or make it concrete and that if i want her to go alone I should just say that. FIRST OF ALL... when we first made plans to order the dresses she said meet us there at 6 (it closes at 7) because she'd be coming from work. We were already going to be up there anyways by the time she got there. So of course this time I call her out on how she's always accusing me of getting mad over nothing I point out that she's always stirring the pot. She acts like she's completely innocent and always "super nice" and I always reply by being a smart ass, rude, or angry. And then when she's done chewing me out over 7 long texts, she tells ME to let it go.
  
  <em>i think you both are way over reacting to everything and most of the issues so far could have just been avoided with clearer communication. Your sister sounds like she is a planner and likes to know whats coming...you need to know this and (it sounds like youre asking how to remedy this...but if not please ignore my advice then)to have a decent relationship, learn how to adapt to her needs. i have 3 sisters, all very different. Its taken me a long time to learn how to deal with each of them so we all get along...but if you want peace its worth doing. </em>
  
  Obviously we're not seeing eye to eye.... I know if I ask her to step down as MOH she'll just get mad again and accuse me of being dramatic, if I try to talk to her she'll just say I need to chill out (because apparently I get mad for no reason whatsoever?), so should I just ignore this as sisters fighting and get over it? I'd rather her drop out before ordering a dress and wasting her money than later.
  
  <em>DO NOT ask her to step down...that is just asking for drama. You asked her, and youre stuck. If she was always like this you should have never asked her to be your MOH t o begin with. </em>
  Posted by melsan9[/QUOTE]
  
  in summary...i really dont think this is a wedding issue...rather sisters not getting along issue. You indicated its always been this way, so maybe its time you both try to find a way to communicate and learn how to cope with your differences. ALOT of the above issues sounds like petty sister stuff (believe me ive been there so i dont mean this in a bad way) but if you want peace, you better start learning from each other what works and what doesnt as far as making plans and communicating. Otherwise dont expect change...its been this way your whole life, so it wont change just cuz youre getting married.

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• melsan9

  

  December 2011

  
  Did you ask her to be your MOH because she wanted to be?? or did you never correct her and just let her be?
  
  I was fine with her being MOH. I thought she'd be a ton of help and a good way to create a bond we've never really had.
  
  did you talk about a budget before deciding on a dress? Did you give a clear deadline or did you just say middle of december? Sometimes if its not definitive it gets lost in the sauce
  
  Everyone knew the dresses would be around $150 and said that it was a good price point, I'd never ask someone to pay $200 for a dress they might only wear once... and this BM in particular did make it clear she could not afford a dress over $200. I found out right around thanksgiving that they needed to be ordered by December 18 (and I've even pushed this back to Dec 30). When I found out I immediately texted every bridesmaid to let them know and made sure it worked for them. I got all of the style numbers for the dresses they picked out and called around so we could order from the shop with the lowest prices, and got the exact dollar amount they needed to place their order.
  
  i think you both are way over reacting to everything and most of the issues so far could have just been avoided with clearer communication. Your sister sounds like she is a planner and likes to know whats coming...you need to know this and (it sounds like youre asking how to remedy this...but if not please ignore my advice then)to have a decent relationship, learn how to adapt to her needs. i have 3 sisters, all very different. Its taken me a long time to learn how to deal with each of them so we all get along...but if you want peace its worth doing.
  I know she's a planner and I am one too, I always do my absolute best to make sure everyone is on the same page. What baffles me is when she says I should've told everyone 2+ weeks ahead of time and I did, that I didn't tell her it was $40 and then I go back to the text message and I did, and that I'm not communicating when we had agreed to go on Friday and she said she'd meet us there later once she got off work. And now she's texting me about wedding flowers as if this fight never happened!
  
  DO NOT ask her to step down...that is just asking for drama. You asked her, and youre stuck. If she was always like this you should have never asked her to be your MOH t o begin with.
  I'm not going to ask her to step down. I just don't know if there's a nice way to suggest that if it's going to be like this, and she no longer WANTS to be MOH, then I understand, and I just thought it might be better for her to do it before she orders her  dress so it doesn't go to waste.

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• RaptorSLH member

  

  December 2011

  [QUOTE] I'm not going to ask her to step down. I just don't know if there's a nice way to suggest that if it's going to be like this, and she no longer WANTS to be MOH, then I understand, and I just thought it might be better for her to do it before she orders her  dress so it doesn't go to waste.
  Posted by melsan9[/QUOTE]
  
  <div>That's asking her to step down.  Unfortunately, you know what they say about good intentions.  While inviting people into the wedding party as a bonding experience sounds like a great idea, people seldom change personalities for your wedding.  What happens more often is what you're experiencing - they continue to act in their normally abrasive fashion, at a time when you're less emotionally resilient to deal with it.  Since you can't change them, all you can change is your expectations.</div><div>
  </div><div>It would have been nice if she helped, but she doesn't have to.  It's time to stop giving her the openings she needs to get under your skin.  Keep wedding talk to a minimum.  Stop responding when she goes off like this - just ignore her.  </div><div>
  </div><div>Rethink the dress situation; if you have bridesmaids dropping out in addition to sister drama, something has gone wrong.  Did you ask your BMs *individually* what their budget was before shopping?  Apologise for the previous confusion over the dress.  Give her the new deadline to order it (it's probably more time than you think - stores are notoriously pushy about timelines so that they can get the comissions on the purchase.)  If she doesn't get it, she has opted out of the wedding party.  </div><div>
  </div><div>I don't understand the gift thing.  From the numbers you've given us, you were overcharging her.  I assume there's details we're missing, but they don't really matter - all we need to know is that it's another sister squabble.  Oh, and for the record?  Sisters close in age fight, too.  I'm 1.5 and 4 years away from my sisters, and we've never gotten along either.</div>

  

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• zitiqueen member

  

  December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_sister-moh-not-going-well-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:562092d5-ba0d-437d-8395-5db3ecb29418Post:b5432ab4-43e1-437d-a2a2-6d652c0d9198">Re: My Sister is My MOH .... not going well - LONG</a>:
  [QUOTE]Did you ask her to be your MOH because she wanted to be?? or did you never correct her and just let her be?<strong> I was fine with her being MOH. I thought she'd be a ton of help and a good way to create a bond we've never really had.</strong> did you talk about a budget before deciding on a dress? Did you give a clear deadline or did you just say middle of december? Sometimes if its not definitive it gets lost in the sauce Everyone knew the dresses would be around $150 and said that it was a good price point, I'd never ask someone to pay $200 for a dress they might only wear once... and this BM in particular did make it clear she could not afford a dress over $200. I found out right around thanksgiving that they needed to be ordered by December 18 (and I've even pushed this back to Dec 30). When I found out I immediately texted every bridesmaid to let them know and made sure it worked for them. I got all of the style numbers for the dresses they picked out and called around so we could order from the shop with the lowest prices, and got the exact dollar amount they needed to place their order. i think you both are way over reacting to everything and most of the issues so far could have just been avoided with clearer communication. Your sister sounds like she is a planner and likes to know whats coming...you need to know this and (it sounds like youre asking how to remedy this...but if not please ignore my advice then)to have a decent relationship, learn how to adapt to her needs. i have 3 sisters, all very different. Its taken me a long time to learn how to deal with each of them so we all get along...but if you want peace its worth doing. I know she's a planner and I am one too, I always do my absolute best to make sure everyone is on the same page. What baffles me is when she says I should've told everyone 2+ weeks ahead of time and I did, that I didn't tell her it was $40 and then I go back to the text message and I did, and that I'm not communicating when we had agreed to go on Friday and she said she'd meet us there later once she got off work. And now she's texting me about wedding flowers as if this fight never happened! DO NOT ask her to step down...that is just asking for drama. You asked her, and youre stuck.<strong> If she was always like this you should have never asked her to be your MOH t o begin with.</strong> I'm not going to ask her to step down. I just don't know if there's a nice way to suggest that if it's going to be like this, and she no longer WANTS to be MOH, then I understand, and I just thought it might be better for her to do it before she orders her  dress so it doesn't go to waste.
  Posted by melsan9[/QUOTE]
  
  You figured she would change her entire personality and the two of you would finally become BFFs just because you're getting married?

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• Maggie0829 member

  

  December 2011

  All of the things you have been fighting or arguing about are really petty.  Like a PP said, this to me sounds like two sisters who just don't and haven't gotten along instead of being an MOH vs Bride issue.
  
  To make things easier on everyone, just let each BM order their dress on their own.  There is no need for everyone to go to the bridal store together and order them together.  Give them a deadline as to when they need to order the dress and let them take care of it...they are adults and can do this without having their hand held.
  
  But, the fighting/arguing with your sister should not be a surprise to you since you already stated that you never got along while growing up so why would it be different now.  You just need to realize what type of person she is (a planner) and take that into account when you talk with her.  To keep the fighting to a minimum, decrease the wedding talk.

  
  

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• Muffin'sMom

  

  December 2011

  What Ziti, Retread, and Maggie said......absolutely!

  My baby girl is a married woman...and now my baby girl HAS a baby girl. Time unfolds in such an amazing way. I've been blessed!

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• joyfulhappy1

  

  January 2012

  I think it was a nice gesture on your part to allow your sister whom you never got along with or were that close to, to be your MOH. I mean I can see how you thought this might make you closer with it being a very special moment in your life. Im sorta in agreement with others on the board, I would surely not ask her to step down, try to work with her as much as you can, accommodate her personality rather than making her accommodate your personality, that's what is going to help build your relationship with her. You are kinda stuck with  her and now you have to make the best of it.  Hopefully she will back out on her own.  I am sure you are a reasonable person and say what you mean, just make sure you put everything in writing for your sister, she seems to be one of those who either doesn't trust you or doesn't speak clearly herself either. Either way sadly, you're the one that's gonna have to compromise a little more here than you wanted to or even planned to. 

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