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Stuff

KitKatBar2KitKatBar2 member
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in Christian Weddings
I kind of wish I hadn't posted all this personal info..thanks for all of your suggestions though
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Re: Stuff

  • fpaemp2011fpaemp2011 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    It takes a lot of prayer, and surronding yourselves with friends and family members who will hold you accountable to the boundaries you have made (and making sure you are both clear on EXACTLY where your boundaries are).  As an example, my fiance and I are rarely alone, but for those moments that we are, say, in a parking lot, the interior lights of the car are on and the windows are down.  It seems small, but it removes the appearance of anything going on.  When we're watching a movie at my house, I make sure my roommates are there, and we keep the lights on in the living room.  We don't go in each others bedrooms when we're at the other person's house, either.  They're all little things, but they have really helped us.  I'll be praying for you and your fiance.  We only have 9 months left, and it's not easy...can't imagine waiting 2 more years!

    ~Emily
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  • KikoLoveAndiKikoLoveAndi member
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    edited December 2011
    It is hard for me too. I have only been dating my FH for just over a year, with 2 months left and we are constantly in prayer.  I don't know if a long distance helps or makes it harder when we are around eachother i just know it is VERY hard. 

    I keep reminding myself that I made a promise that I wouldn't have sex till I am married.  I don't want to dis-respect myself, or my sweetheart.  No matter how nice it is I woud feel aweful after it. and crying after sex dosent seem romantic. (My FH says that immage helps him)

    I hope that helps. 
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  • CHarley2BCHarley2B
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    edited December 2011
    Focus on the commitment you made to God. The thought of letting God down is pretty sobering most of the time. I'd also say that you and your fiance should pray for wisdom. It may  be better, if you're having a hard time waiting, that you have a very small wedding sooner or even go to the courthouse so that you don't fall into temptation. Also surround yourself with other believers and cut down on your alone time. That has really helped us. Pray for wisdom and strength.
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  • KitKatBar2KitKatBar2 member
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    edited December 2011
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  • KitKatBar2KitKatBar2 member
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    edited December 2011
    Oh, and thank you all for your suggestions!! I can definitely see how that would help us. They aren't really things that anyone WANTS to do, but it must be done.
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  • heyimbrenheyimbren member
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    edited December 2011
    KitKat I'm glad you decided to post this over here as well!

    I like what CHarley had to say. I've slipped up a lot of times with this with BF, regardless of having some boundaries. But it can really be so easy to just keep pushing the line.

    And then afterwards, I feel terrible. I know that God will forgive me, but I then remember how much He loves me, and how the rules He has laid out for us are to protect us- not harm us or keep us from having fun! I find that a very sobering thought.

    Have you read Every Young Woman's Battle? I just finished it last month and I wish I had read it years ago! They also have Every Woman's Battle, but that seems to be geared more towards married women. They also have Every (Young) Man's Battle for men as well!
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  • KitKatBar2KitKatBar2 member
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    edited December 2011
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  • KitKatBar2KitKatBar2 member
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    edited December 2011
    No, I haven't read "Every Young Woman's Battle", but I've heard of it and it sounds like a good read!
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  • heyimbrenheyimbren member
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    edited December 2011
    Wait, a "secret marriage"?! So, are you married or not then?

    I highly recommend the book to everyone (unmarried)!
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  • jsimmjsimm member
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    edited December 2011
    I was gonna offer my words of advice, but I'm also confused about this secret marriage and the other comments you made about that.  Are you having sex then, just because you're "married"?  Did you only do that so that you can have sex?  

    I hope you get your act together, and stay true to your new commitment; I hope you back out of this lie.  There is nothing right with your situation.  

    Besides that, FI and I have waited as well, (dated for 18 months or so, and have less than 2 months left before we get married).  We have waited to spend the night, or do anything like that.  We kiss, and we kiss and we kiss... but somehow, with God's help we have stayed true to ourselves and our promise to God.  We know where the boundaries are, and I think that helps.  

    Best of luck.
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  • KitKatBar2KitKatBar2 member
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    edited December 2011
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  • KitKatBar2KitKatBar2 member
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    edited December 2011
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  • heyimbrenheyimbren member
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    edited December 2011
    Okay, fair enough. But I do think the unmarried thing is weird. Marriage is really a legal thing, or else common law.

    But prayer I can do. I wish you the best! But I do agree with you - it IS hard. And easy to forget and ignore in the moment. But we can do ALL things in Christ who strengthens us!
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  • KitKatBar2KitKatBar2 member
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    edited December 2011
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  • KitKatBar2KitKatBar2 member
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    edited December 2011
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  • KitKatBar2KitKatBar2 member
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    edited December 2011
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  • fpaemp2011fpaemp2011 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    [QUOTE] JSimm, It is hard for me to take advice from someone who has only dated for 18 months, though please don't take offense. We've dated for almost 5 years. But I don't think any of us are immune to temptation. The two of us never even exchanged a kiss until we had dated seventh months. It took a long time to get this "weird" so please just try to be gentle and have compassion. I know that it is wrong. I know very well. Although I guess I deserve any judgement. I always knew I would get it if people knew [/QUOTE]

    No, kitkat, you don't deserve judgment...not from us, and I hope you don't feel like you're being judged.  None of us are any better or any worse than another.  We're here for advice, support, and to offer prayer. 
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  • KitKatBar2KitKatBar2 member
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    edited December 2011
    Actually, you know...I get it. This is a little too heavy a subject for a site like "the knot". Blame it on inexperience. It's okay.Foot in mouth
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  • kkidd28kkidd28 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Hey Kitkat,

         Thank you for bringing this issue to light.  I admire your courage and honesty!   No one is here to judge you, this board is all about honesty. My FI and I dated for 5 years before we got engaged and I will honestly say, we didn't really make a serious commitment to practice celibacy until we got engaged.

        We've beem engaged for 10 months, and we get married in 2 1/2 weeks.  Your original question is how do we do it.  For me, it became a matter of knowing that if I could do this for God, he will bless my marriage.  Not to say it isn't hard - it is.  He has already moved into our marital home with me, we just sleep apart.  I'm upstairs -he's downstairs.  We do alot of praying and it has become easier as it goes along - kind of a challenge that we've overcome.  Now that the wedding is closer, it is more of something we can be proud of.  We pretty much just remind ourselves how amazing our married life will be because we will be kind of "new" to each other again. Of course, some will read this and brush it off, but this is gonna be personal for everyone.

         In the end, just pray about it, and I will pray for you and your FI as well.  All I can say is just look past the trouble you're having and focus on the rewards!  Taking sex out of a relationship allows you to see things much clearer and brings you and your FI much closer to each other and much closer to God.
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  • KitKatBar2KitKatBar2 member
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    edited December 2011
    Thank you, that was really helpful.
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  • mohutch37mohutch37
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    edited December 2011
    KitKat,

    I am joining the discussion rather late but I wanted to say that my FI & I also struggle with purity. Like yourself, we did go a bit father than we should have and we also have a lengthy engagement. Just to let you know I will pray for you both and thanks for bringing up this sensitive subject. I am sure others will (if they haven't already) benefit from the discussion. I definitely agree that prayer, reading books like "Every Young Woman's Battle" and really enforcing boundaries (for us it means no passionate kissing) can make a difference. Also, I really hope that by confessing to your church, someone could step up and be an accountability partner for you (or if that hasn't been offered already that you can bring it up with someone you trust). 

    YSIC,
    Mo
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  • KitKatBar2KitKatBar2 member
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    edited December 2011
    That's cool! Yeah, setting clear boundaries is something we have yet to do. Next time we talk, that's what I want to do!
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  • iamjoesgurliamjoesgurl member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I don't know what you are going through because I only knew/dated my DH for about 3 years before we got married.  All I can say is that it sounds like you understand what you want your boundary to be (which is great!) and what I can do is pray that God will help you to keep this boundary.  God bless!
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  • KitKatBar2KitKatBar2 member
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    edited December 2011
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  • kkidd28kkidd28 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Don't worry about it - no one here is judging you on anything.  As the MOD for the group, these are discussions that need to be had!  Remember that you are def. not the only one going through that - you were just the one brave enough to bring it up!
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  • jsimmjsimm member
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    edited December 2011
    KitKat, you have a PM
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