Worried my parents wont be excited

tua95312 · May 2011

Hey, So I’ve never posted before but I’ve been on the site for a while now and I read these posts occasionally, forgive me if there was an incredibly similar one that I just missed. Here’s the situation, my BF and I have been together for almost 4 years and lived together for almost 3 years. I know he bought the ring (because I picked it out) and my mom knows he bought it (because it was shipped to her house and he showed it to her). Our getting engaged is not going to come as a surprise to anyone, but it’s also not something we’ve actually talked about with either set of parents before. Both of my parents and all of my extended family love BF and his family loves me. My parents are divorced and my mom is bitter. I know that sounds mean but she is. When BF showed her the ring she apparently showed no emotion at all and was just like “oh that’s nice”. Later my mom told my sister (who already knew) and my sister described my mother’s emotions as “incredulous” and “resigned”. I know when my mom got engaged, her mom ran out of the house crying because she was so upset, and while I don’t think my mom would do that, she is her mother’s daughter. I know it sounds so easy to say, when you get engaged you just call up your mom and say “We’re getting married!” and you both scream and jump around and cry, but I know that it’s not going to be that easy for me. At best I think she’ll say congratulations, and at worst I think she’ll tell me I am making a terrible mistake, but most likely she’ll say, “if you expect me to pay for this then you better tell me right now”.

I guess I want to know how to make my mom as excited as I am, and if I can’t make her excited, how to deal with her lack of excitement. Has anyone else ever felt this way? I am so worried that she will just make this all about money and the cost of a wedding these days even if I don’t ask her for a dime. Side note: I am also dying because I know that the ring is IN MY HOUSE and I just don’t have it yet!!!! I wish I wasn’t so terribly anxious about telling my mother so that I could spend more time being ridiculously excited.

cu97tiger · May 2011

Oh, tua... you are going to get ripped apart on this board. I'm sorry that your mom doesn't seem like she is excited for you. However, you can't MAKE anyone excited about something. Resign yourself to the fact that she has her own reasons for not being excited, and move on. There are no ways to phrase 'We're getting married!' that will flip that switch for her.

To avoid having your mom run out of the house crying, don't tell her in person. When you call, say 'Mom, I'm very excited to tell you that <BF> and I are getting married. I know you don't think highly of marriage, but I hope you'll be happy for us. <Pause> So, how was your weekend?'

If she isn't giving you any money, then only you can 'let' her make it all about money. Tell her you and BF have a budget, and you're happy she's worried about you but that you've got it under control. You might have to be firm about it.

peekaboo2011 · May 2011

I was in that situation a few months ago.

FI and I have been together for almost 3.5 years. And mom spent a good chunk of that time making it abundantly clear that she did not like him and really did not like the fact that we were together. She actually once said "I don't like who you are when you're with him." WHAT? Who says that?! FI and dad got along, but dad spent most of my life telling me that he was going to kill any boy I brought home.

FI had the talk with my dad, and things went well. Dad gave FI his blessing, and I tried not to freak out about how mom would take the engagement. And that lead to FI not telling my parents about the day that it would happen - his parents and our friends were in attendance.

After it happened, I called basically everyone except Mom to tell them the good news. I called my grandparents to figure out how to break it to mom, and they said to just tell her. So, I called. And she was reserved, but happy. When I got home the next day, she had flipped into wedding planning mode and was researching venues.

And this weekend, at graduation, my parents and his parents got along, and as mom said goodbye to FI for the weekend, she hugged him.

My mom did a 180 as soon as we got engaged. So, take a deep breath, and you will handle this as it happens. You can't make her get excited, but she may very well surprise you.

Good luck!

ETA: We were also completely prepared to pay for the wedding on our own, and are having a long engagement for partially that reason. Mom and Dad offered to pay for part of the wedding.

tua95312 · May 2011

Thanks for your replies :-) You're probably right about calling instead of FTF, at least then if she runs away crying I can blame it on bad cell reception or something. And I know its a little ridiculous to worry about this before I even technically have anything to tell her.

So cu97tiger, I bare my soul to you and you tell me I'm going to get ripped apart? Thanks! lol kidding... so what did I do wrong? Please tell me so that I am not the laughing stock of this forum and I can dare to one day post again.

zipis1 · May 2011

Neither sets of our parents were terribly excited when we told them. Happy for us, but (and I quote), "It's not exactly a surprise." And my dad would really rather I never got married because he hasn't had the best luck with marriage, so it was obvious that while he likes FI he was on some level disappointed.

Basically just stop worrying over her reaction. She may surprise you with an excited reaction or she may do exactly as you suspect she will. If she does the latter you're just going to have to shrug your shoulders and go on being excited for yourself.

heyimbren · May 2011

Give up this fantasy that she's going to be jumping and screaming in excitement for you- some people just don't have that kind of relationship with their mothers. And that's okay. You absolutely can't control that, but you can control yourself.

Accept the relationship you have with her, and realize that she doesn't have to be excited for you and your SO to be excited. Regardless of how she or other family members feel, this is a life change and decision between the two of you and no one else. And then bask in whatever excitement you receive from others. At the end of it, you're still getting engaged and getting married.

Elle1036 · May 2011

I was worried, too. It ended up being nothing. The reactions I got were excited and happy (from Mom) and similar to Zipis's parents (from Dad). Bottom line: you're an adult. Trust in your own right and ability to make decisions, and just tell them wehn it happens, but don't let your own excitement hinge on theirs.

bsidebella · May 2011

My mom wasn't excited either. What hurt the most was that when my cousin (who is two years younger than me) got engaged last month, she was beside herself. She hasn't even tried to engage me in any wedding talk (well, once and only once, but it was in a halfhearted kind of way). She thinks we're rushing things. I don't know how long my parents waited before getting married, but apparently it was longer than two years.

Just take it all in stride. Your mother isn't marrying him, you are. I'm sure once you actually start planning a wedding, she'll warm up.

leia1979 · May 2011

Not to sound mean, but you probably need to just suck it up and move onwards. Not everyone will be excited about your wedding. My parents aren't, and in fact, I won't talk about it at all in front of my father because he'll start grousing about how weddings are stupid. By the way, my parents have been married for 35 years, but I guess since they had a courthouse wedding, my dad thinks that's what everyone should want.

Acknowledge to yourself that it sucks and you're disappointed, and then move on. That's all you can do.

Blue & White · May 2011

My mom is going to be pretty psyched, frankly. And while your mom may be bitter about her own marriage, maybe she'll be happy for yours? You really don't know until it happens.

Unless there's some other reasons she may not be happy (doesn't like the BF or something...), you really have to just go with it. If she's upset, she's upset. Since I doubt you'll get married the day after your BF proposes, I'm sure she'll get used to the idea.

Then again, I do know some really scary MOBs.

Sparrow87 · May 2011

I agree with Liv- no one is going to be as excited for your engagement as you are. I'm not engaged, but if I ever get that far I'm expecting the same type of reaction "oh that's swell Hunny" and a pat on the head. That's just the way my parents are, their very reserved kind of like me.

desertsun · May 2011

Is your mom's reaction going to change the fact that you will be marrying your BF?

No. (Or at least, I hope not).

So try to not let something you have no control over affect you so much.

Don't let other people dictate your emotions. You are control your own feelings. Take responsibility for yourself, and determine to be happy and excited for yourself, and not b/c of how other people react.

I know it's easier said than done, but practice with this kind of mindset does help, so start now. You will be a much happier person in general.

bethsmiles · May 2011

My mom isn't the jump and scream type of person. She will be happy for me but at most she will say congrats and then want to jump right into planning. You can't control how people act or think but you can control how you let it affect you. I agree with desert 100% - don't let other people dictate your emotions.

At the end of the day, no matter what reaction your mom has, you will be marrying the man you love and that's all that matters. If she can't be happy for you then that is her problem, don't let it effect your happiness.

desertsun · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_worried-parents-wont-excited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:ac860889-5527-4d4a-81e8-1698632bfb2aPost:4cd30d06-ff89-4307-88c8-91d74bd060f6">Re: Worried my parents wont be excited</a>:
[QUOTE]My mom isn't the jump and scream type of person. She will be happy for me but at most she will say congrats and then want to jump right into planning. You can't control how people act or think but you can control how you let it affect you. I agree with desert 100% - don't let other people dictate your emotions. At the end of the day, no matter what reaction your mom has, you will be marrying the man you love and that's all that matters. If she can't be happy for you then that is her problem, don't let it effect your happiness.
Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]

Yes, exactly this. Beth put it much more succintly than I did. :)

musikbx · May 2011

My mom wasn't that excited either, she honestly doesn't seem that thrilled about the whole thing. I think a big part of it is because we don't plan to have a large family wedding, which is what she was looking forward to... but regardless, I too expected some excitement or enthusiasm from her.

As much as it hurts (and I am right there with you) there really isn't anything you can do about it. She is your mom, and your relationship with her isn't going to change overnight because you are engaged. While I'm really sorry that you're not getting what you want from her emotionally, you really can't let it get you down too much. You are about to marry the person that you love, that is the most important thing!

loves2shop4shoes · May 2011

I was worried about this too before FI proposed.

Honestly, the only person you can control is yourself. I got mixed reviews on my engagement. Am I still marrying FI? Bet your asss I am.

My advice? When you get engaged...make sure the first person you call is someone you're POSITIVE will be happy for you. Once you get to squeal, jump up and down, and be ecstatic for you, the rest of the replies don't seem to matter as much.

Good luck.

calindi · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_worried-parents-wont-excited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:ac860889-5527-4d4a-81e8-1698632bfb2aPost:bb47217b-928d-4ff0-8ad4-a2974ac220cf">Re: Worried my parents wont be excited</a>:
[QUOTE]I was worried about this too before FI proposed. Honestly, the only person you can control is yourself. I got mixed reviews on my engagement. Am I still marrying FI? Bet your asss I am. My advice? When you get engaged...make sure the first person you call is someone you're POSITIVE will be happy for you. Once you get to squeal, jump up and down, and be ecstatic for you, the rest of the replies don't seem to matter as much. Good luck.
Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]

Gosh, yes! You need at least one person who you know will be happy for you. They don't have to be excited about wedding planning - honestly it's a chore that too often gets foisted on unhappy bridesmaids to help with. But they should be excited for you that you're getting married! And they should be someone who likes you both as a couple. Make that first phone call to someone who will be truly, unreservedly happy for you both.

My family was thrilled and I knew they would be, but my colleagues were such a bummer. I'm quite far away from my closest friends, so I didn't get to show off my ring or get hugs in person right away. So when I went into work the next day, I got one hug from a male colleague who is a friend, and that's about it. The girl sitting next to me said nothing, and I asked how her weekend was and she told me and then I asked more questions and she kept telling me, and then finally politely asked me how mine was, and I just said, "I got engaged!" And she said, "Oh. That's nice. Congrats." And went back to typing. My boss didn't even acknowledge it at all until two weeks later when he fired me... when he told me, "Since you're engaged, you're probably more focused on planning your wedding than work, and as a company, we don't need you to tread water here for 15 months, get married, and then move to some Army base." Idiot. Anyway, sorry for the tangent and rant, it was remotely applicable. Anyway, the point is not everyone is happy for you, and you're bound to get some bad responses. In my case, I got fired for getting engaged. But it doesn't need to make you upset or dread it - just look forward to the happy parts, and deal with the annoying parts when they come. No reason to dwell on it.

lunarsongbird · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_worried-parents-wont-excited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:ac860889-5527-4d4a-81e8-1698632bfb2aPost:7c12cd21-08b5-4fdb-868e-b7a02d885478">Re: Worried my parents wont be excited</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Worried my parents wont be excited : Gosh, yes! You need at least one person who you know will be happy for you. They don't have to be excited about wedding planning - honestly it's a chore that too often gets foisted on unhappy bridesmaids to help with. But they should be excited for you that you're getting married! And they should be someone who likes you both as a couple. Make that first phone call to someone who will be truly, unreservedly happy for you both. My family was thrilled and I knew they would be, but my colleagues were such a bummer. I'm quite far away from my closest friends, so I didn't get to show off my ring or get hugs in person right away. So when I went into work the next day, I got one hug from a male colleague who is a friend, and that's about it. The girl sitting next to me said nothing, and I asked how her weekend was and she told me and then I asked more questions and she kept telling me, and then finally politely asked me how mine was, and I just said, "I got engaged!" And she said, "Oh. That's nice. Congrats." And went back to typing. My boss didn't even acknowledge it at all until two weeks later when he fired me... when he told me, "Since you're engaged, you're probably more focused on planning your wedding than work, and as a company, we don't need you to tread water here for 15 months, get married, and then move to some Army base." Idiot. Anyway, sorry for the tangent and rant, it was remotely applicable. Anyway, the point is not everyone is happy for you, and you're bound to get some bad responses. In my case, I got fired for getting engaged. But it doesn't need to make you upset or dread it - just look forward to the happy parts, and deal with the annoying parts when they come. No reason to dwell on it.
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]

You are KIDDING?!

<a href="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/4/12/a44645a2-e3f2-4449-8c60-df165f9d008c.large.jpg" title="Click to view a larger photo" onclick="return gSiteLife.LoadForumPage('ForumImage', 'plckPhotoId', 'a44645a2-e3f2-4449-8c60-df165f9d008c', 'plckRedirectUrl', gSiteLife.EscapeValue(window.location.href));" class="PhotoLink"><img style="width:98px;height:98px;" src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/4/12/a44645a2-e3f2-4449-8c60-df165f9d008c.medium.jpg" alt="" width="90" height="104" /></a>

Are you going to go to the department of labor for wrongful termination? Or do you feel it's not worth the time?

Worried my parents wont be excited

Re: Worried my parents wont be excited

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