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HELP please!! Question about registering!

jcio9jcio9 member
First Comment
in Registry and Gift Forum
Heres our story in a nutshell:
Me and my husband are military and after canceling wedding preparations numerous times due to multiple curcumstances, we got married in small chapel on post last July and had about 15 friends in attendance, no family (my father was sick and we didnt want everyone there if he couldnt be there) - the entire time we had intentions of planning a renewal of vows ceremony, when my dad got better and time allowed, that would look just like a traditional wedding with everyone in attendance for the first time - its going to be this August and I DO NOT KNOW proper etiquette on registering for gifts.  My wedding planner says I should since no one really attended our wedding and those that did we asked that no gifts be brought.  I just feel bad and dont want people being like "ugh! We had to fly out to Savannah AND give a gift? Theyre already married!"What to do? To register or not to register?! Help!
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Re: HELP please!! Question about registering!

  • misshart00misshart00 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    I wouldn't register. Most people don't give gifts for vow renewals. Also, make sure everyone knows its a vow renewal.
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  • jcio9jcio9 member
    First Comment
    That's the thing, I never had the chance to be the 'proverbial bride' the first time, no dress, no cake, no reception, no bridal showers, nothing.  Which yes, is a choice we made but due to unfortunate life circumstances and a life in the military we had to make sacrifices and we are trying to go about this the right way.  Vow renewal etiquette is very different in our curcumstance but thank you for the link. I just wanted to get some second opinions on registration as I do not feel comfortable doing it but friends and my planner say I should.  I thank you both for your input. 

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  • antibride2013antibride2013 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_help-please-question-about-registering?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:c97a1c0b-bcfd-4aaf-956a-945eed1a7e3dPost:c2c3fff4-2d76-4938-8cc7-66a7dbec4f45">Re: HELP please!! Question about registering!</a>:
    [QUOTE]That's the thing, I never had the chance to be the 'proverbial bride' the first time, no dress, no cake, no reception, no bridal showers, nothing.  Which yes, is a choice we made but due to unfortunate life circumstances and a life in the military we had to make sacrifices and we are trying to go about this the right way.  Vow renewal etiquette is very different in our curcumstance but thank you for the link. I just wanted to get some second opinions on registration as I do not feel comfortable doing it but friends and my planner say I should.  I thank you both for your input. 
    Posted by jcio9[/QUOTE]

    It is unfortunate for your circumstances, but your wedding day has already passed.  Your a wife, and what you are having is a vow renewal, like PP said.  So if your really going about this the right way, plan your vow renewal as a vow renewal.  No shower, no registering, no PPD. 
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  • gabriel0915gabriel0915 newb
    First Comment
    I have to agree with not registering. My parents were military so I completely get it. They went to the court house because that's what they had to do. Sadly, I do also believe that the situation is not special because you didn't get your day. You always had the option to wait until a time you had a better idea would work and had a "real" wedding then. Personally, I wouldn't buy a gift knowing the couple was already married.
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  • hoffsehoffse member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    Sorry sweetheart, but you aren't entitled to all the perks of a traditional, large wedding.  Nobody is.  The only thing you need to get married are two people, your marriage license, an officient, and maybe a witness or two (depending on the state).  You had all that.  You are married.  I personally think some of your guests will feel you are being a bit ridiculous by doing everything over - the gown, the wedding party, etc.  I would certainly think that, and I absolutely would not be buying you a gift for a vow renewal.

    Like LIatris said, the military is a choice, your wedding was a choice, and part of being an adult is living with the consequences of your choices.  There is not a special set of etiquette rules for you.  Your wedding day is over, and while you can have a lovely vow renewal, these are not gift giving occassions.  Also?  Of COURSE your "wedding planner" is asking you to spend money.  That is the #1 priority of her job.  We call this bias.  She is not going to give you guidelines that follow the rules of etiquette if those rules happen to result in you or other people spending less money.
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  • ViczaesarViczaesar member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_help-please-question-about-registering?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:c97a1c0b-bcfd-4aaf-956a-945eed1a7e3dPost:c2c3fff4-2d76-4938-8cc7-66a7dbec4f45">Re: HELP please!! Question about registering!</a>:
    [QUOTE]That's the thing, I never had the chance to be the 'proverbial bride' the first time, no dress, no cake, no reception, no bridal showers, nothing.  Which yes, is a choice we made but due to unfortunate life circumstances and a life in the military we had to make sacrifices and we are trying to go about this the right way.  <strong>Vow renewal etiquette is very different in our curcumstance</strong> but thank you for the link. I just wanted to get some second opinions on registration as I do not feel comfortable doing it but friends and my planner say I should.  I thank you both for your input. 
    Posted by jcio9[/QUOTE]
    No, it's not.  It's just like every other vow renewal.  No showers, no bachelor/bachelorette parties, no wedding party.  Generally no PPD accoutrement.



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  • MrsBlack86MrsBlack86 member
    First Comment
    edited February 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_help-please-question-about-registering?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:c97a1c0b-bcfd-4aaf-956a-945eed1a7e3dPost:1dad9b51-d716-4e29-8c0b-d611f250da45">Re: HELP please!! Question about registering!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: HELP please!! Question about registering! : No, it isn't. Few few people get their dream wedding in their perfect set of circumstances. Yes, being in the military imposes a set of hardships, but it is a choice, and being an adult means making choices and dealing with the consequences. Your wedding planner wants you to spend money so she gets a nice commission, she doesn't care about how you look or your guests feel. You can't have a wedding do over without looking ridiculous. My HS only gave each student 2 tickets for graduation, so when I graduated only my parents were there, no one else in my giant, close Italian family. Doesn't mean I wore my cap and gown, hired actors to play graduates and principal and strutted across a makeshift stage to receive my "diploma" at the BBQ my parents hosted for me the next weekend. That would have been ridiculous. So would re-enacting a wedding when you are already married. Renew your vows, have an awesome party, but don't have a fake wedding.
    Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]

    I'm sorry at what point did she say a fake wedding? It's called a renewal of vows because no family was able to join, maybe their families care and want to be a part of their special day, oh and a HS graduation and. Wedding or renewal of vows aren't even remotely similar but thanks for playin.
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  • MrsBlack86MrsBlack86 member
    First Comment
    edited February 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_help-please-question-about-registering?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:c97a1c0b-bcfd-4aaf-956a-945eed1a7e3dPost:b3b291bc-734c-4bce-af0f-faaf919cce79">Re: HELP please!! Question about registering!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Sorry sweetheart, but you aren't entitled to all the perks of a traditional, large wedding.  Nobody is.  The only thing you need to get married are two people, your marriage license, an officient, and maybe a witness or two (depending on the state).  You had all that.  You are married.  I personally think some of your guests will feel you are being a bit ridiculous by doing everything over - the gown, the wedding party, etc.  I would certainly think that, and I absolutely would t be buying you a gift for a vow renewal. Like LIatris said, the military is a choice, your wedding was a choice, and part of being an adult is living with the consequences of your choices.  There is not a special set of etiquette rules for you.  Your wedding day is over, and while you can have a lovely vow renewal, these are not gift giving occassions.  Also?  Of COURSE your "wedding planner" is asking you to spend money.  That is the #1 priority of her job.  We call this bias.  She is not going to give you guidelines that follow the rules of etiquette if those rules happen to result in you or other people spending less money.
    Posted by hoffse[/QUOTE]

    sorry "sweetheart" she's not talking about a lesion due to herpes. This "consequence of your decisions" talk you have going is actually pretty comical. Unfortunately you're not as fortunate as she is to have the opportunity to do it with their families included but she is do quit pissin in the wind with your nonsense.
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  • hoffsehoffse member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    ^^This cracks me up - I honestly have no idea what you're trying to say since you aren't using standard English, but I can guess that you are having wedding re-do also?  Or, wait, let me guess again - you are OP with a new screen name?  

    I think you're saying in your post that I'm responding to her the way I am because my family won't be at our wedding?  Which implies I'm jealous?  If that's what you were trying to say, I'm afraid that's incorrect since we will have even great aunts and second cousins there.  Actually we were engaged for about 20 months so that our families could be there - we have family coming all the way from Belgium, California, North Dakota, etc.  We would have preferred to get married earlier but it would have meant not having family present.  So we made a choice to wait.  She didn't choose to wait, so now she has to live with it.  That's what I mean by consequences - sex isn't the only choice in life that has consequences, in case you haven't noticed.

    In my opinion vow renewals are for milestone anniversaries or overcoming a major hurdle in a relationship - like cancer or some other debilitating illness.  She wants a re-do wedding because the day she got married wasn't good enough for her - she hired an honest to god wedding planner FFS.  That's why people are calling her out on it.
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  • jcio9jcio9 member
    First Comment
    I'm not sure why each and every reply is written by people who are acting like I've personally offended them in some way? It's ridiculous. And I hired a planner because we've just relocated to a new post and we have no family or friends here and I work a full time job so I need help because I do not know the areait's THAT simple. No one needs to put their two cents in about why we shouldn't do what we're doing by having a vow renewal, it's simply important to us and our families. ALL I wanted was confirmation that I should not be registering because I was not comfortable with it but have been getting the opposite answer from everyone else and figured I'd try to get an unbiased opinion. Why is everyone on here so miserable? You all sound so very unhappy. Thank goodness I've been able to maintain my class and dignity here and not talk down to others in the process thats part of 'being an adult' I do honestly feel sorry for you all.
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  • hoffsehoffse member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    We are "miserable" because we are stangers on the internet and thus won't blow rainbows up your you-know-what, like your friends and family will.  They love you and will therefore tell you that all your ideas are splendid.  Meanwhile, your aunt and your cousin will gossip behind your back.  Seriously.  Do you want to be the vow renewer (I don't know what to call the role you will have) that everybody talks about?  No?  Then realize what we are all telling you - some of the things you say you are planning is going to appear ridiculous to guests who already know you are married.  

    Unfortunately, on public boards you open yourself up to comments on other info you drop about yourself.  That's the nature of the beast.  You will have a much more guest-friendly event if you take people's comments and criticisms in a constructive way instead of taking it personally.  Re-read your posts - they sound entitled because you weren't the "proverbial bride" (your words, not mine), and posters on these boards will be quick to point this out to you.  No, it's not always fun to be told your ideas aren't great, but in the long run the people you do care about - your family and friends - will likely consider you a more gracious, concientious, and etiquette-oriented person if you take an objective step back and think about what strangers here are saying.  I have been told many of my ideas suck as well - sometimes I take the advice and sometimes I don't because of norms in my social circle - but it's important I hear the other side because sometimes I just don't think about it.  I've learned that people on TK will actually tell me to my face what others may say behind my back, and I want to hear those opinions before I implement a plan.  We don't know you, and it's nothing personal against you - it's an attempt to alert you to what others might think who aren't wrapped up in the wedding bubble you are in.

    And back to your original question - no, you don't register for a vow renewal.  Again, your planner is incentivized to get you to do this because s/he must encourage the atmosphere of spending - that's how s/he gets his/her fee.  Recognize that the wedding industry is a multibillion dollar a year business, and once they are done with you they don't care how you treated the people you love.
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  • MrsBlack86MrsBlack86 member
    First Comment
    The part that's ridiculous is that she's asking about a gift registry and yet people come on here giving their two cents about the ceremony itself. Don't dish out your two cents about something no one asked for. And why when asking about the etiquette of the situation is she attacked like were back in high school? Bunch of teenage girls...
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  • kristinanddankristinanddan member
    First Comment Combo Breaker
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_help-please-question-about-registering?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:c97a1c0b-bcfd-4aaf-956a-945eed1a7e3dPost:226c303e-0295-44d4-aff1-7c5171922f9a">Re:HELP please!! Question about registering!</a>:
    [QUOTE] ALL I wanted was confirmation that I should not be registering because I was not comfortable with it but have been getting the opposite answer from everyone else and figured I'd try to get an unbiased opinion. Posted by jcio9[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>You are correct - you should not register.

    </div>
    imageimageimage
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  • FancypantsamyFancypantsamy member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_help-please-question-about-registering?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:c97a1c0b-bcfd-4aaf-956a-945eed1a7e3dPost:d7ccfd13-4e99-43ae-8809-3e8bd436fb3a">Re:HELP please!! Question about registering!</a>:
    [QUOTE]The part that's ridiculous is that she's asking about a gift registry and yet people come on here giving their two cents about the ceremony itself. <strong>Don't dish out your two cents about something no one asked for. And why when asking about the etiquette of the situation is she attacked like were back in high school? Bunch of teenage girls...</strong>
    Posted by MrsBlack86[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>Hey bride who's only made three posts and is already telling the regulars not to give their two cents when no one asked for it (uhhhhh, irony at all?) and then comparing everyone to a bunch of high school girls? You're the equivolent of someone who shows up to a new activity that everyone else has already been involved with and telling everyone to change for her. Do yourself a favor and scamper off to wedding bee, your prissy little brand of butthurt isn't going to last long around here.</div>
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  • GoodLuckBear14GoodLuckBear14 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_help-please-question-about-registering?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:c97a1c0b-bcfd-4aaf-956a-945eed1a7e3dPost:c2c3fff4-2d76-4938-8cc7-66a7dbec4f45">Re: HELP please!! Question about registering!</a>:
    [QUOTE]That's the thing, I never had the chance to be the 'proverbial bride' the first time, no dress, no cake, no reception, no bridal showers, nothing.  Which yes, is a choice we made but due to unfortunate life circumstances and a life in the military we had to make sacrifices and we are trying to go about this the right way.  <strong>Vow renewal etiquette is very different in our curcumstance but thank you for the link. </strong>I just wanted to get some second opinions on registration as I do not feel comfortable doing it but friends and my planner say I should.  I thank you both for your input. 
    Posted by jcio9[/QUOTE]

    Sure.  Go take this for a spin on the Military Brides board and see how well it goes over.
    Proud to be an old married hag!! image
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  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_help-please-question-about-registering?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:c97a1c0b-bcfd-4aaf-956a-945eed1a7e3dPost:79d9e6d2-dfdd-404c-bb76-54b584287b88">HELP please!! Question about registering!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I DO NOT KNOW proper etiquette on registering for gifts.  My wedding planner says I should since no one really attended our wedding and those that did we asked that no gifts be brought.  I just feel bad and dont want people being like "ugh! We had to fly out to Savannah AND give a gift? Theyre already married!"What to do? To register or not to register?! Help!
    Posted by jcio9[/QUOTE]

    You answered your own question: ugh! We had to fly out to Savannah AND give a gift? They're already married. Yeah, don't register.
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  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    I think you are very, very insulting to those in the military who can figure out how to get married. Don't pull that card!
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  • manjermjmanjermj member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    No, you do not register for a vow renewal. 
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  • meganlovespurplemeganlovespurple
    Name Dropper First Anniversary First Comment
    I have no input as to whether or not the original poster should register or not.  I just want to say that there is no need to attack the girl for asking a question.  Why is everyone being so rude and hurtful to her? 
    Orginal poster: I think you should do whatever YOU want to do and feel is right.  Forget your planner and the people on the board.
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  • jennd37jennd37 member
    First Comment
    I think if you are blessed enough to have your day as a "bride" then have it...forget everyone else on here and the "etiquette". If you keep it intimate and surround yourself with people who love you and would want to be there for your day, then no one will have qualms and be so damn grumpy as everyone else has expressed to you....if I had a close family or friend that was having a "vow renewel" ceremony for the wedding she never got to have, I would be sure to present AND bring a gift. I hate people are who are so into rules and think everyone who is getting married are gift hoarders....if you are blessed, bless others, simple
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  • Sierra524Sierra524 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_help-please-question-about-registering?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:c97a1c0b-bcfd-4aaf-956a-945eed1a7e3dPost:80564bec-6679-436b-bf8f-e922566e6e51">Re: HELP please!! Question about registering!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm married to a vet.  Your circumstances don't give you a special privilege. No, it's NOT appropriate to register. It's also not appropriate to have the re-do vow renewal in order to get your pretty princess day, either. Generations of military families made their choice, and lived with the result. They had the wedding they could have at the time, and were happy with the joy of being married, or waited until they could have the Big White Wedding with all the bells and whistles. You ask for opinions by the act of posting. The answers you received were honest AND correct. If you don't believe us, then please feel free to ask the other military wives on the military brides board.
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

    I couldnt agree more. I hate when people use the miiltary as a reason why they didnt have a traditional wedding. My cousin & her husband are both in the army and they were when they got married as well. We planned a traditional wedding in a small church in 3 weeks, bc thats what she wanted. It can be done.
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  • rsbloomrsbloom member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper First Anniversary
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_help-please-question-about-registering?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:c97a1c0b-bcfd-4aaf-956a-945eed1a7e3dPost:c2c3fff4-2d76-4938-8cc7-66a7dbec4f45">Re: HELP please!! Question about registering!</a>:
    [QUOTE]That's the thing, I never had the chance to be the 'proverbial bride' the first time, no dress, no cake, no reception, no bridal showers, nothing.  Which yes, is a choice we made but due to unfortunate life circumstances and a life in the military we had to make sacrifices and we are trying to go about this the right way.  Vow renewal etiquette is very different in our curcumstance but thank you for the link. I just wanted to get some second opinions on registration as I do not feel comfortable doing it but friends and my planner say I should.  I thank you both for your input. <div>Posted by jcio9[/QUOTE]

    </div><div>I live in San Diego and have several friends and family members in the military.  People who do not have military in their families may feel jipped about not being invited to the actual wedding, but have your family members in charge of taking questions explain that due to unfortunate circumstances, you could not have the wedding you really wanted, but would really like them to share in the celebration of your marriage.  </div><div>
    </div><div>A lot of military people out here opt for a small marriage ceremony and then have a big one when time allows, plus you had family matters that hindered you as well; it's not like you wouldn't have invited them to the first time if you could have.</div><div>
    </div><div>In my opinion, you can register if you want to, but if you don't feel like it don't.</div>
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