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Problems with FSIL...

MalayaBeeMalayaBee
First Comment
in Moms and Maids
Last night, my fiance was talking to his sister on the phone... She asked how the wedding planning was going, which ultimately led to what I thought was a joking conversation about how she owed him money. My fiance jokingly told her that she could work off some of her debt by being the photographer at our wedding. She then asked him, "What, you mean I'm not in the wedding?!" And he jokingly said "Heck no! Why would we put you in our wedding?!"

The rest of the convo seemed lighthearted and joking... They hung up, and we went about the rest of our evening. This morning, however, was a different story. I got a text from her at about 9:30am, saying she was really hurt about me not asking her to be in the wedding... She "thought" we were becoming friends, but she guessed that was not all she was wrong about... WHAT?!

We got engaged a month ago, and we've been together a little over 2 years. FSIL was the first to know about our engagement, since he proposed while we were visiting with her. FSIL lives 10 hours away from us, so we really don't know eachother well. We don't have a date set for the wedding... We really don't have any plans made, since we've only been engaged a month. I haven't told anyone that I want them to be a bridesmaid... I have 3 girls in mind (my fiance has 3 guys in mind, so it's even), but I haven't said a thing to them. I want to wait until we have more things planned before I ask them to be in the wedding.

I've always been under the impression that your bridesmaids should be people important to you... You should have important women by your side on the biggest day of your life. FSIL and I are close, but not BFF's. We don't talk on the phone or text frequently... Aside from the occasional Facebook comment, we don't have much contact.

FSIL also lives far from my potential bridesmaids... The 3 girls I have in mind all live in the same city. (Which is also where we want to get married.) FSIL has also complained that being a bridesmaid is so expensive. And obviously, she owes my fiance money... So I know just asking her to be at the wedding is going to be a financial stretch for her. In all honesty, I have no problem with her being in the wedding at this point. If it saves me from the drama, I'm really okay with it. I'm now afraid she's telling the rest of the family what a horrible person I am, because I excluded her from the wedding. When really, I never told her she couldn't be in it.

So aside from whacking my fiance over the head... WHAT DO I DO NOW? Help!
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Re: Problems with FSIL...

  • mbarnhartmbarnhart
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Don't let her pressure you into making her a bridesmaid.
    If your FI wants her in the wedding she can stand on his side.

    Hopefully she won't be badmouthing you to his side of the family, but if she does it is up to your FI to handle it.

    Good Luck!
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  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Call her~don't text~call, and apologize for the misunderstanding.

    "FSIL, I'm so,so sorry for the misunderstanding last night.  Your brother and I are just enjoying being engaged, and haven't even thought about our WP yet.  We're going to hold off on any decisions until after Christmas.  So are you seeing Despicable Me this weekend?"

    And mean it when you say after Christmas.  There just isn't any good reason to ask yet.

    As for having her in your WP:  first off, WP's are not about symmetry or gender.  You happen to think you have even sides, fine.  But they don't have to be.  She can also stand on your FI's side for the wedding since it's his sister.

    But only the two of you can decide how much drama this will cause going forward.  My DD doesn't especially care for her DH's sister.  But she was in her WP.  Because the forever sniping that it would have caused not to have her would not have been worth it.

    Are you going to hear about not including her at every Thanksgiving, Christmas, and summer BBQ for the next ten years?  Then put her in the WP.  It's not that big a deal.

    She doesn't have to live near you or the other BMs.  Again:  DD had NO bridesmaids that were local, and NONE that lived near each other.  Between email, facebook, texting, and phone calls, they made it work.

    Your FSIL doesn't have to do anything to help plan and/or execute your wedding.  Your wedding =yours and FI's to plan.

    And you can't make assumptions about her ability to afford the attire.  You ask the budget of your WP and then choose attire accordingly.  If she can't afford it, she can't afford it.

    And I have nothing about her owing your FI $$.  It's just what happens when you loan family $$.  Sometimes you get it back.  Sometimes you don't.  You two have to figure it out on your own.

    Good luck.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_problems-fsil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:7e96cdd8-25f8-4924-8f78-6ec1c61cc233Post:3562d0d4-69fc-4f92-83be-98f38f8b8f23">Problems with FSIL...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Last night, my fiance was talking to his sister on the phone... She asked how the wedding planning was going, which ultimately led to what I thought was a joking conversation about how she owed him money. My fiance jokingly told her that she could work off some of her debt by being the photographer at our wedding. She then asked him, "What, you mean I'm not in the wedding?!" And he jokingly said "Heck no! Why would we put you in our wedding?!" The rest of the convo seemed lighthearted and joking... They hung up, and we went about the rest of our evening. This morning, however, was a different story. I got a text from her at about 9:30am, saying she was really hurt about me not asking her to be in the wedding... She "thought" we were becoming friends, but she guessed that was not all she was wrong about... WHAT?! We got engaged a month ago, and we've been together a little over 2 years. FSIL was the first to know about our engagement, since he proposed while we were visiting with her. FSIL lives 10 hours away from us, so we really don't know eachother well. We don't have a date set for the wedding... We really don't have any plans made, since we've only been engaged a month. I haven't told anyone that I want them to be a bridesmaid... I have 3 girls in mind (my fiance has 3 guys in mind, so it's even), but I haven't said a thing to them. I want to wait until we have more things planned before I ask them to be in the wedding. I've always been under the impression that your bridesmaids should be people important to you... You should have important women by your side on the biggest day of your life. FSIL and I are close, but not BFF's. We don't talk on the phone or text frequently... Aside from the occasional Facebook comment, we don't have much contact. FSIL also lives far from my potential bridesmaids... The 3 girls I have in mind all live in the same city. (Which is also where we want to get married.) FSIL has also complained that being a bridesmaid is so expensive. And obviously, she owes my fiance money... So I know just asking her to be at the wedding is going to be a financial stretch for her. In all honesty, I have no problem with her being in the wedding at this point. If it saves me from the drama, I'm really okay with it. I'm now afraid she's telling the rest of the family what a horrible person I am, because I excluded her from the wedding. When really, I never told her she couldn't be in it. So aside from whacking my fiance over the head... WHAT DO I DO NOW? Help!
    Posted by MalayaBee[/QUOTE]
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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  • jwang517jwang517 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    i agree with you. bridesmaids are people who are important to you, though having your FSIL is a nice gestuer, but not a must. i didn't include FI's sister (we didn't get alone well and she constantly got on my nerv since the day i started dating FI, and other drama and plus FMIL. but all are a lot better now so im happy) until i was sure that she was more mature than i first knew her, and had FI got my back and words that if anything went wrong because of her, he'd step up and say something or do something. it was a long process for me to decide (about 2 months).

    so do what you want. tell her you guys haven't set a date nor thought that far (BM's issue is kinda too early to think if u haven't even decided a date and a venue) and if u want to give her a try, start observing her now and see how you feel later.
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  • BocaSueBocaSue member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Unless she's a horrible person, I'd put her in the WP.  The numbers don't have to be even and you won't have to hear about it in 20  years.  Friends come and go, but siblings stay around forever. 
    Proud employee of Best Wishes of Boca. We have wedding registries, jewelry, china, and collectibles. http://www.bestwishes.net
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  • PeonyPrincesskddPeonyPrincesskdd
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    yOUR RIGHT.  Read the FAQ on the wedding party boards and you will learn a lot about bridal party and when to ask and who to ask.  It says wait at least 6-9 months before the wedding to ask anybody since relationships change and anything can happen over time.  Wait it out.  It also says to ask only your nearest and dearest friends who you would do anything to have them stand up there at the alter with you on your important day.  You need your closest friends only.  That is it.  No SIL. and she sounds bratty how she is guilt tripping you about having her in the wedding party.  I would say absolutely not
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  • MobKazMobKaz member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Honestly, it does not seem as if anything will save you from drama.  It has already begun.  It would appear you are in a no-win situation.  I say that because based on the few comments FSIL has already made, she sounds immature, reactionary, and presumptuous. 

    If you put her in the WP, my guess is that you will eventually hear something along the lines of, "Well you only included me because of what I said", or "I was obviously not being considered until I had to say something".......and obviously, not putting her in the WP will cause different drama...but drama nonetheless.

    I would not worry about what she may or may not say to "the rest of the family" because my guess is that they are already used to her drama and whining and unfounded comments.

    I have two suggestions:
    1. Find out what FI's impression of the situation is, and how he feels about his sister being a BM.  Did he assume she would be?  Did he have no thought/opinion at all?  Does he care?
    2.  Go with your first instinct and ask those people YOU want, regardless of what FSIL may or may not say in the future.  If you ask her to be a BM, and she continues with the drama, then you will have two headaches instead of one.

    Stick to your original time frame.  Time may become your ally insofar as seeing whether she continues to whine,  drops the drama, or decides she prefers not to be involved at all.  Good luck.
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  • marhefl1marhefl1
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Don't give in!!  I did and am regretting it EVERY day.  I agree with letting her stand on his side if she absolutely has to be in the wedding.
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  • Lisa8888Lisa8888
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Your FI was very rude to your FSIL.  She was trying to be pleasant asking about your wedding plans and he brings up about her owing him money and acting as the photographer. He also told her very rudely that she wasn't going to be in the WP.

    There is nothing funny about what he said. He should apologize to her.
    Report Reply
  • Muffin'sMomMuffin'sMom
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    I have to say, I agree with Trix.  I included the youngest of my husband's four sisters and my daughter included her husband's sister.For my SIL and I, it was the beginning of what has been a 30 year friendship.  For my daughter, only time will tell.  But, it sure made the In-laws happy!

    My baby girl is a married woman...and now my baby girl HAS a baby girl. Time unfolds in such an amazing way. I've been blessed!
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  • deepcovejackiedeepcovejackie
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Yep, I agree with Trix.
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  • MalayaBeeMalayaBee
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
     Well, as an update... FSIL has more or less began the process of telling the family what a horrible witch I am for not considering her to be in the WP. Word travels fast in this family... And fortunately, it travels in both directions! Many of my fiance's family members have contacted me, and more or less told me FSIL blew the situation out of proportion. She apparently does these types of things quite frequently, so they're all used to the drama. Fortunately, no one seems to think less of me for it... So really, she's just made herself look bad.

     She has admitted her inability to afford attire to several family members (after all, my fiance has loaned her over $1500 in the last year, and not a dime has been repaid). Her complaint now is that we didn't even ask her... An aunt pointed out that had we asked, she would've had the opportunity to guilt-trip us into paying for her trip to FL for the wedding, as well as her attire "because we asked her to be in the wedding." Fortunately this situation has inspired my fiance to stop handing her wads of cash... Which is good. She's nearly 30, for crying out loud! We're 5 years younger, and really shouldn't be helping her financially. He is really upset with her for the way she's acting, especially since he bailed her out of a financial predicament weeks before our engagement. Where I'm from, we call it "Biting The Hand That Feeds You."

     She has called my fiance's brother, and tried to talk him and his wife into being mad at us, and yelling at us over the situation. (They eloped 5 or 6 years ago, to escape this type of family drama.) She's called mom and dad, aunts and uncles... All because of a huge misunderstanding. I really feel like I've been bullied into this situation, and I really don't think rewarding her with a spot in the WP is the right thing to do. Her and I are not close at all, and I know in my heart that if I put her in the wedding... Heck, if I made her the honorary bride for the day... She's still going to talk negatively about me to the family, and cause drama. Plain and simple.

    Thanks to all for the advice... I don't wish this situation on anyone!!
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  • ManwaithielManwaithiel member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I don't believe in rewarding spoiled behavior like that with a title of honor. Obviously the family is behind you on this one. Let her whine if she wants, she's making herself look worse.
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