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[vent] Rehearsal dinner sitting arrangement

kpenguinkpenguin member
First Comment
in Ohio-Columbus
Hi ladies,

[Sorry, it's a long message]

Is there any customary rule for sitting at the rehearsal dinner? We have three tables with 39 people, which is very tight. I have no other options since my fiance's mother is paying for it and she decided on the restaurant without asking us. The place cannont hold more than 3 tables, and she got mad when we told her there would be more people coming to the rehearsal dinner & asked us why we have to include spouses/partners of our wedding party. However, that's what she had been done so far with her two other sons' wedding not so long ago, which made me really annoyed-she didn't ask the question out of unfamiliarty to /ignorance of convention. She never asked us how many people would  be included until she signed the deal, and I assume that's why she got mad.

Anyway, we will separate guests into 3 groups-my family, fiance's, and wedding party. The problem is that his family has 17 ppl including himself, so we have to separate some from his family table.

Now his mother is suggesting (or pushing) that my fiance sit on a different table from me, me with my family and him with his family or wedding party. I think it's a ridiculous idea and I told her I did not want to sit separately from him. Plus I see his parents about once or twice a week b/c they live 10 min. away. My family is flying from other country, and I haven't seen them for almost 2 years now. I'd much like my fiance to get a chance to talk to my family as much as possible. They're coming 2 days before wedding & will leave 2 days after that, which doesn't give us enough time to do anything.

Sorry for the long message. To sum up,

On condition that both parents from both sides are present at the rehearsal dinner and groom's parents are paying for the rehearsal dinner (my parents and his are helping us out for wedding expenses for about the same amount)

1. Is it conventional that groom's mom/parents decide on the rehearsal place W/O asking bride&groom, even if groom's parents are paying for it? We even suggested earlier other restaurants, but she said she hated all other types of food/restaurants. And she didn't tell us the location until later, only after she already put deposit.

2. Where do bride/groom-to-be sit? On bride's table or groom's?

3. Is it also conventioal for bride/groom to sit separately at rehearsal dinner?

I even told her we'd play around the sitting chart to come up with a better idea, but she said she'd take care of it & it's just dinner, so it really doesn't matter where we sit. I did not agree with her with a possbily most polite manner I could have yesterday, but she called my fiance later in the evening to tell him to stop by home tonight. I'm sure she's gonna complain about me & push her way through.

I'd like to know how everybodoy is else doing for sitting arrangement.

Sorry for the long message, and thanks for reading it ladies!




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Re: [vent] Rehearsal dinner sitting arrangement

  • BrittBritt22BrittBritt22 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    He who pays, says.  Sorry hun.

    I would sit with your FI.  If you are worried about somebody feeling slighted, have both sets of parents sit with you
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  • kpenguinkpenguin member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thanks Britt. But his parents (or his mom) don't wanna sit with my side of family b/c she cares about her family a lot. Most of guests are from her side, not the dad's.

    So does this mean my fiance & I have absolutely NO say on whatsoever she decides to do?
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  • chemgal23chemgal23
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I would agree with Britt that since she is paying, she gets most of the say.

     However, you should hold firm that you sit with your fiance.  It is your wedding weekend.  The idea is to be together, not separate. 

    Also, since it is the first time everyone will be together, the only time you will probably be sitting is while eating.  The rest of the time, you can be up and mingling and you should get time with everyone who is there.

    Good luck!
    Report Reply
  • RNM 2008RNM 2008
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Hmmm . . . I had total control over my RD even though FI's parents were paying. We actually split up groups of people and mixed people so that they'd get to know each other better. For example, my BM's didn't really know his GM, so we put like 1 BM and 1 GM and their sig. others together, etc. Could you do this and do a mix of people so that they worked out more evenly?  Maybe both sets of parents should be together, with you two and maybe your maid of honor and best man or something?
    I totally think you and your FI should NOT be sitting apart -- that's just crazy!
    Your FI is going to have to be firm with mamma dear.
    Good luck!

    **edit -- oops, just saw you said she wanted to sit w/ her family. She sounds like a tough cookie. Does she know this is YOUR day, not hers??  Sigh . . .
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  • BCsGalBCsGal member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    That stinks that she isn't more reasonable about it all.  Because she is paying, I guess she gets final say, but I really think she should be working with you not against you.  Could you and your FI sit with the bridal party?  It is a neutral group.  Or you could mix everyone up as a way to get people talking, meeting, etc.  I assume at the wedding they will be grouped by family, so this could be a way to get people to mingle.  Good luck!!!!
    Christina & Brandon - August 7, 2010 Anniversary
    My Planning Bio | My Married Bio | FOR SALE!
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  • jellymellyjellymelly member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    What is your FI's stance on all this? Yes, your FMIL is paying so she has quite a bit of say in the matter, but she is being unreasonable. If you are really concerned about the seating (and I would be too, in this situation), I think you should convey that to your FI and have him speak to his mom. Having you and your FI sit apart at the rehearsal dinner is stupid, IMO.
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  • kpenguinkpenguin member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thank you very much for your thoughts ladies! Fortunately, my FI has the same idea as me. The only thing is that his mom still insists deciding seating arrangement on her own. I will probably wait until she brings this up again and make sure that FI talk to her this time.
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  • heidianddetailsheidianddetails member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Suggestion....She should have gotten both your opinions, however its done now, so make the best of it.  With that said.  You, your FI, your parents and his parents sit together with a mix of both sides and bridal party.  2nd and 3rd table same.  Tell her that is proticol for rehersal dinners and that way everyone feels included.  Have your FI give her the chart and let him be the strong arm!

    Good Luck
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  • gangjipenguingangjipenguin
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thanks heidianddetails. We are meeting FI's parents tihs weekend, so hopefully everything goes well.
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