Married & Still Posting?

katey911 · December 2012

I've seen quite a few posters in some of the boards I've looked at who have been married for a year or more and are still frequenting this site (not The Nest, but The Knot). I don't get it - can someone explain the draw?

I'm not judging, just curious. I never came here before I got engaged, and now I poke in now and again for inspiration, but I certainly don't see myself "hanging out here" once the wedding details are finalized.

Do you think you'll be peeking in here once you're married? Or if you are already, tell me why!

Kristin789 · December 2012

TheKnot has always had AlreadyMarrieds on the boards, giving advice and tips and suggestions to help NotMarriedYets.

In fact, the very board you're on, now called Snarky Brides, was originally called Advice For Brides and the specific purpose of this board was for AlreadyMarrieds to answer the questions of NotMarriedYets. And we even created a cookbook of easy, quick recipes:

http://www.grouprecipes.com/group/afb-ney-cookbook/398/recipes

AdeleDazeem · December 2012

The married people have planned weddings before and know how it works. They are here to help the unmarrieds avoid any etiquette faux pas or answer questions based on how their own weddings went. Without the married people, it would be the blind leading the blind.

I could say so much more, but I'll leave it at this: this thread is a thinly vieled attack on the women who don't like your "It's the bride's day and she can do whatever she wants!" attitude. Even those around here who are unmarried don't agree with that childish sentiment.

Welcome to the Knot.

AdeleDazeem · December 2012

There ya go, Edie.

kmmssg · December 2012

And this is why we stick around. So we can let misguided brides who think the day is only about what they want know they are wrong, AND...we can let other brides know what a poor attitude this is. We would not want a full-of-herself bride telling other brides this is an acceptable attitude.

amymaysa · December 2012

Because it's the best way to get advice and not do things that may offend guests or make a couple look tacky.

My best advice here came from people already married b/c they know what happens, etc.

kd.joseph · December 2012

Personally I have made quite a few good friends on TK and lets just be honest the people on The Nest and The Bump are crazy!

Angelface225 · December 2012

I appreciate the advice of all the 'marrieds'! It really does help to put things in perspective.

ConKFA319 · December 2012

Oh, ffs. A gap is rude. The longer, the ruder. IMHO, the only exception is if the gap is an hour or less, or if the venue is providing for guests during said gap (which I guess, technically, would eliminate the gap).

That being said, when I was planning, the advice of the married ladies on here was priceless. Now that I AM an old married lady, I'm not really on here as much, but I'll pop in here once in a while to pay that good advice forward. If I can dissuade even ONE poor, misguided bride from using goldfish as centerpieces or having a HM registry, then I will have done my job.

Plus, the ladies here are awesome, and I've made some of my best friends here, on this very board. And TN and TB are terrifying at times.

Ember2012 · December 2012

So I mostly lurk here (and by "here" I mean all the boards) since I am really far out from my wedding and don't need to plan anything at this point. But from my lurking I have seen that the ladies that are already married generally have good advice to offer and seem to genuinely like one another and keep in touch.

Also by lurking I have gotten a feel for what is considered to be good etiquette. Therefore if I or my fiance were to decide we were dead set on doing something that is frowned on these boards I would not post about it here since I do not need a bunch of strangers to validate it or tell me its wrong (I would probably already know). If I were to post something that I didn't realize was against etiquette or frowned upon I would take into consideration what was said but ultimately the decision is still mine and my fiance's.

What I would not do is attack the other posters or chidlishly post on another board behind their backs hoping they wouldn't see or hoping to be validated by another board on the same site (which for the record is a waste of time sine most of the posted from what I have seen post on or lurk multiple boards).

ETA: apparently its too early for proper spelling...

Peledreamsofrain · December 2012

<div align="left">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_married-still-posting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:1a675e97-f095-438d-a7c3-dde7a46e20dfPost:5838e6b5-ed6c-4079-8d09-0c2cee31a6ed">Re: Married & Still Posting?</a>:
[QUOTE]So I mostly lurk here (and by "here" I mean all the boards) since I am really far out from my wedding and don't need to plan anything at this point. But from my lurking I have seen that the ladies that are already married generally have good advice to offer and seem to genuinely like one another and keep in touch. Also by lurking I have gotten a feel for what is considered to be good etiquette. Therefore if I or my fiance were to decide we were dead set on doing something that is frowned on these boards I would not post about it here since I do not need a bunch of strangers to validate it or tell me its wrong (I would probably already know). If I were to post something that I didn't realize was against etiquette or frowned upon I would take into consideration what was said but ultimately the decision is still mine and my fiance's. What I would not do is attack the other posters or chidlishly post on another board behind their backs hoping they wouldn't see or hoping to be validated by another board on the same site (which for the record is a waste of time sine most of the posted from what I have seen post on or lurk multiple boards). ETA: apparently its too early for proper spelling...
Posted by Ember2012[/QUOTE]

Bless you. That's the sanest bit of writing I've seen in a while.

It always boggles me when people who clearly don't want advice ask for it, then lash out at people who were trying to help. Especially in such a way as to hint that the helper's experience makes them incompetant. Which is wacky and zany, and incomprehensible.</div>

Ember2012 · December 2012

<div align="left">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_married-still-posting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:1a675e97-f095-438d-a7c3-dde7a46e20dfPost:46461754-632e-498b-8203-3fd267dba91a">Re: Married & Still Posting?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Married & Still Posting? : Bless you. That's the sanest bit of writing I've seen in a while. It always boggles me when people who clearly don't want advice ask for it, then lash out at people who were trying to help. Especially in such a way as to hint that the helper's experience makes them incompetant. Which is wacky and zany, and incomprehensible.
Posted by Peledreamsofrain[/QUOTE]

I've noticed that, and as a person it makes me cringe that there are way too many people who behave like so childishly. However, as a lurker who is in their slow season at work I am selfishly greatful for the craziness because it entertains me at work...

ETA: why does this site insist on centering posts? Is it their idea of fun?</div>

NYCMercedes · December 2012

I am a married old hag and come here because my son is getting married. I need to know how to behave so that my FDIL doesn't have anything about me to snark about.

lauralaur · December 2012

In addition to what others have said, if we didn't stick around, whose wedding photos would you look through? Whose vendor reviews would you read?

amanda0543 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_married-still-posting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:1a675e97-f095-438d-a7c3-dde7a46e20dfPost:094ff107-d247-421b-b89b-e3274b18c3ea">Re:Married</a>:
[QUOTE]While I missed the OP's response in the thread that Edie quoted, I fail to see how that thread corresponds to THIS thread and the OP's question being a thinly veiled attack. Then again, I'm posting on Mobile and can't see the OP's post history. But still, might we all be getting a little too defensive here? What's wrong with answering her question honestly without accusing her of attacking the married regs? Especially since I can't see this "thinly veiled attack" anywhere in her language on the original post for this thread. If someone could give me some logical reason for coming to this "attack" conclusion, I'd really appreciate it. I'm not able to access a desktop where I am right now, so Mobile is all I've got.
Posted by coopergirl15[/QUOTE]

<div>This. This, this, this, this. I honestly don't see how her opinion that the wedding day is about the bride makes this an attack??? And, I cannot see how her previous post in another thread is relevent to this what-so-ever. I think it's a totally valid question, and one I've wondered myself, as <strong>I see the value in having women who have been married post here</strong> but I honestly can't imagine myself staying here after I got married. I can see how if you made friends here you'd want to stay in touch, but in my case I'd just try to find them on facebook, or ask for their email.</div><div>
</div><div>Also, why does it piss so many people on here off if someone says that they think the wedding day should be about the bride? <strong>It's not an opinion I agree with</strong>, but I can see why someone would have it (especially if they are paying for the wedding themselves), and it certainly doesn't bother me if someone feels that way. It seems completely odd that it would bother someone so much that they would bring it up in another thread where it is irrelevent from the topic. I'm not trying to be rude to anyone (this is a genuine question in my mind), but why don't you just hit the button to ignore her if you think she is trying to attack you? Why would you let it bother you? Anyone petty enough to do that is just going to be fueled by your attention.</div>

MrsGandthebeag · December 2012

I find this site entertaining. So, I stick around.

lauralaur · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_married-still-posting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:1a675e97-f095-438d-a7c3-dde7a46e20dfPost:b1677dc6-74c4-4e2b-939a-d65218c8d75c">Re:Married</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Married : Also, why does it piss so many people on here off if someone says that they think the wedding day should be about the bride? Posted by amanda0543[/QUOTE]

Because often times people use the "I'm the bride and it's my day so I can do whatever I want" to do whatever they want at the expense of their fi's feelings and their guests' comfort. The wedding day is not about the bride, it's about the bride <em>and groom</em>. When the bride and groom choose to involve guests, they then need to consider their feelings as well to make sure they are properly hosted. I get it, I really do, you only get to do the wedding once, but if you do whatever you want because it's what you want with no consideration of others you're going to offend a lot of people in the process of wedding planning and potentially alienate some people in the process. The reason we get so upset is because we see it so much, and we see many people who, even though we point out that the day really isn't about just them, insist that no really, it is. We're honestly just trying to prevent them from ruining relationships.

amanda0543 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_married-still-posting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:1a675e97-f095-438d-a7c3-dde7a46e20dfPost:e24805a5-4dcc-4539-b273-cbe31d03ebca">Re:Married</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Married : As for why people get mad at that attitude, there are a few reasons. First that attitude let's brides rationalize treating their friends and family poorly. That damages relationships and makes the bride look bad, so people will always strongly urge against it. At the end of the day do I care if some stranger stomps around, embarasses herself and ruins her friendships? Nope. But if she comes here with a plan to do so, I am going to try my darndest to make her see what the consequences of that behavior are going to be. It is better to hear that your plans are rude from a stranger, than to have your friends and family gossip about what a faux pas your wedding was.
Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]

<div>I think one of the things that seems odd to me is that I've really only seen that attitude on this website. Everything else I've read, and everyone else I've talked to, really emphasize that the wedding is about the bride (or the couple). I cannot tell you how many people I've had tell me that it's "my day" and that I should do what I want because "it's all about me". Granted many of these people turn right around and start making demands about my wedding (ha). >.<

Also, I've seen a lot worse bridal behavior than things I've seen mentioned here. My own sister snubbed me at her wedding after I'd spent <strong>hours</strong> helping her out (I made her close to 1000 paper cranes and had to teach everyone of my aunts and cousins how to make them as well only to have her change her mind a few days later, made her guest book, took photos of all her guests for her etc. etc. and she ended up seating me in the back row during the ceremony and never once thanked me for any of my help), and I ended up showing up to the very conservative event in thigh-high combat boots (In my defense I was snarky and 16). There was never a fight about it, any hard feelings were let go 1-2 weeks later, and generally no one gave a crap. The absolute worst thing that came out of that were some humourous pictures. </div><div>Even though she started getting a little bratty I know she was under a lot of stress and I wouldn't have wanted anyone to chew her out about it or about her personal opinions or try to make her feel badly (especially if she went to those people asking for advice and emotional support). </div><div>I also have another family member who absolutely had to have an authentic Vietnamese wedding, making all of these demands on her family and guests (and spending something well over a quarter million of her parent's/FI's money), and the only thing anyone ever said about her was that her wedding was beautiful. o.O</div><div>
</div><div>My point is (and I'm repeating myself), I've really only seen the disapproval of bride's viewing their wedding as being about them on here. O.o</div><div>
</div>

amanda0543 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_married-still-posting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:1a675e97-f095-438d-a7c3-dde7a46e20dfPost:13236063-532d-4bcb-9bda-ca1700cceaed">Re:Married</a>:
[QUOTE]The members of this site are very heavily focused on guest comfort and a realistic view of the relationship of the couple getting married. The people who say "It's the bride's day, do what you want" are giving brides a ridiculously out of line carte blanche.
Posted by coopergirl15[/QUOTE]

<div>Like I said, I don't agree with the opinion that the wedding day is just about the bride, but in the OP's case I really don't see what she did/said that warranted this much negative attention. I didn't look up the other thread, but the worst thing people could quote from her is her telling another poster that she didn't think a gap was rude, had never been offended by one, and that in the end that poster should do what she wants in regards to having a gap. I might of missed something that wasn't quoted, but she doesn't seem to be encouraging anyone (or indicating she herself is planning) to turn into a screaming spoiled brat. She only gave her opinion (that is widely held) and it differed from the one that is popular on this website. Then, she has people continuing to follow her onto her other threads so they can give her hell about it, as if they are trying to force her off the site. I constantly see posters on here telling others that they need to be ready to hear differing advice and need to be ready to hear things they don't want to or don't agree with, and yet despite all of that react so vehemently to posters who do that very thing to them (even if they do it in a neutrally worded, and harmless way).</div><div>
</div><div>I understand telling someone you disagree with them (and really appreciate it), but why would you follow someone who shared an opinion that you disagreed with onto their other posts to keep arguing with them? And why would you bring that opinion up, and give them hell about it, in a post where it is completely irrelevent? If it's because you feel it's your duty to change her opinion, why is that? Why is it your business or place to try and force someone else to agree with you? Like I said it's one thing to give a differing opinion, however it's a totally different thing to try and force your opinion on someone. If it's because you're trying to chase that person off the website because you don't like their views; all I can (want to) say is that's really controlling...</div><div>
</div><div>I'm honestly not trying to offend anyone, but I do think people need to back off the OP. What she has done is harmless. If someone wants to make the argument that her presence is harming others by giving them bad advice, why are you assuming those people are incapable of/don't have the intelligence to <u>realize that it is bad advice</u>? Obviously those of you who hold the opinion that your wedding wasn't just about you were able to come to that opinion inspite of people telling you you were allowed to make it about yourself, so (if the previous assumption applies to you) why wouldn't you trust that other posters could do the same in the face of bad advice?? If you think she's trying to attack you why are you fueling her by giving her attention?</div>

AddieCake · December 2012

OP:

I lurked here the entire year planning my wedding and didn't officially join and start posting until recently. I lurked to learn but knew that I would end up spending way too much time here if I joined in, and I didn't have the time to give, but now I do.

I found that the best advice for me seemed to come from the married ladies. I learned a lot about what not to waste time and money on, and how to do things the right way and what was something that seems like a big deal but really isn't. The ladies who were actively planning along with me had insight, too, but I guess I trusted the "been there, done that" information, kind of like asking my dad for advice on things he has experience with that I don't.

Now I've got the time and want to "help" if I can. So that's why I'm here. And I love wedding talk.

Peledreamsofrain · December 2012

I for one find the approach of the girls on this board to be refreshing, and it was exactly what I needed when I came onto the boards.

Rewind a year. I was freshly engaged, riding a high of the importance of my life at that point, and being barraged by helpful people raining me with bridal magazines. Each magazine and website danced with descriptions of what I could do to make MY day more impressive, more memorable, more pretty. ME the bride, the MOST IMPORTANT person of the day, everyone should be SO happy to be invited to MY wedding.

Then I had a guest that would potentially come to MY wedding that I didn't like. Ew right? Pfft, well I found this website called TheKnot that had forums. Perfect, they could tell me how I could disinvite the tacky woman, and save my gorgeous perfect day for me, me, me , me.

TheKnot firmly planted it's collective boot up my behind.

I have to admit, I was floored, shocked, and my little fluffy wedding cloud of importance was popped like a bubble under me. I wasn't happy (though I certainly didn't name-call). I just said to myself 'what mean girls', coldly dismissed their advice, and left the site for three months. But I never got that self-important cloud back because that seed of doubt had been planted. I started to see the day through different eyes (not all me me me).

I finally had to admit that I was being a brat, threw away those magazines, and really sat down and paid attention to the advice here. There wasn't a single thing I could have done better for my wedding. It was a gracious, thoughtful, beautiful affair that was attentive to my guests' comfort and needs. My guests STILL rave about it a year later, unprompted. It makes me all warm and fuzzy to know I did right by them.

All thanks to the married, mean ol' hags here. Bless every last one of them. I owe you all so much, even though I'll never meet you in person.

pearlaqua · December 2012

Not all posters are brides. I'm married but am involved in weddings in different ways (as a friend, BM, cousin, sister, SIL, etc.). It's good to have a forum to turn to.

Imagine that, even the forums aren't ALL ABOUT THE BRIDE.

katey911 · January 2013

Thanks to all who answered my question genuinely. I Lol'd at the future mother-in-law's comment about not giving her future daughter-in-law something to snark about. I'm definitely not suggesting anyone needs to leave the site: as I said, just looking to learn what others get from it.. I don't love wedding talk (nor feel my opinion should matter) enough to see myself becoming a site regular, but I definitely appreciate that friends can be made from social media interactions. For those who claim to know my mindset or "intent" behind this post, perhaps your ESP skills could be put to better use.

katey911 · January 2013

Oh, and I don't want anyone getting offended bc I said my opinion isn't important enough and thinking I'm implying YOUR opinion shouldn't matter either...this is why these forums aren't for me, they make me paranoid. Thanks again for responding.

embreen · January 2013

I'm not sure but it seems to me that some of those who are married and still posting for a few years should probably have moved on to the Nest or the Bump or something like that, and should be out enjoying their married life and not telling those of us who are lucky enough to still be planning our wedding how we should do it. I understand maybe they have a few regrets but moving on is a glorious thing.

kmmssg · January 2013

Sticking around with new friends that we have forged friendships with is also quite glorious. I have no regrets about my weddings or those of my married DDs.

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