Wedding Party

Unresponsive Bridesmaid: sound advice needed--long but please read/help

One of my BMs is a friend from high school. We were attached to the hip and though we had our ups and definate downs, we still managed to reconnect years later (after she relocated) and be friends. It was easy to talk to her again and it seemed her life had become more predictable or stable due to having a child (she's a single parent) and less fly by the seat of her pants. She lives nearly half of the country away from me so she cant be involved in all of the wedding activities, but either can my other BMs because of me living in another state from them. But it all works out--- we manage. ;)

So my MOH (my sister) has been in regular contact with my BMs giving them hotel info, all dress info, etc... 7-8 months in advance. My wedding is now in 2 months and by this time all of them should have ordered their dress, booked hotel stay and booked flight if needed. BM#1 ordered hers and is totally on board! However, BM#2 (my high school friend) said she had ordered her dress a few months back when we chatted by phone. But when my MOH went to order her own dress (by the deadline she was given by the dress shop staff), MOH found out that the deadline was past! MOH also found out that BM#2 had NOT ordered her dress, so she had lied to me. The funny thing is that when she told me she had ordered it, she offered this information--- I didnt ask for it myself, nor did I pressure her as we had a few months still. So my MOH calls BM#2 to ask if she did order it and she says she has not. The deadline already passed for ordering the dress and for some reason, not only did she lie about ordering it, she never got around to it during the last 7 months. If my MOH didnt happen to go into the dress shop that day, my BM#2 would have never known that the deadline passed and who knows when she would have found out had we not found out for her. My MOH tried to ask if there is any reason why she hasnt ordered it and BM#2 acted like it wasnt any of my MOHs concern.

My MOH worked something out with the manager at the dress shop and she ordered BM#2's dress but my MOH had to pay for it because though BM#2 said the day before she could buy it, I guess she couldnt. Even though my MOH had fronted the money for the dress, she never thanked her and I guess she didnt seem as concerned about missing the order deadline as she should have been.

She has not planned her hotel stay, flight, etc and the wedding is only 2 months away. When my MOH asked her about this, she implied it will all work out, dont worry, its none of her concern. She even wouldnt tell my MOH when she could pay her back for the dress or when to expect to see the check but only that she will send her the check. I have been sooo easy going and understanding throughout this situation thus far. I had chosen cheap dresses for them, cheap shoes etc, I have thanked them for their involvement etc. I had let them know that there would be expenses and that if they couldnt swing this that it was okay to decline my invitation for them to be in my wedding party. BM#2 will not say if anything is wrong and I am careful to not ask anything she might feel is accusational or personal as she reacted that way towards my MOH. She hasnt reached out to me in the last 2 months. She now is planning to drive 6 states to my wedding instead of flying due to last minute flights being expensive. I am obviously worried about this too. What if she doesnt make it? If she doesnt have the money for her dress then how can she afford to get here or her hotel stay? It seems to be up front with her will only make her be defensive and she seems to not want to talk about anything she finds to be "personal" like finances and how she is doing things to be at the wedding etc. So what is your advice to me? I need it! Whats going on?!! :( More importantly what should I do?

Re: Unresponsive Bridesmaid: sound advice needed--long but please read/help

  • bablingbrookebablingbrooke member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited May 2010
    NONE of this is for you or your sister to worry about.  Either your friend does these things or she doesn't.  But a surefire way to make sure she does NOT do these things is to keep reminding her.  Nobody likes to be micromanaged, whether by a supervisor or a friend, and unfortunately that's what you're doing.  Your friend is a big girl, she will either do it and be in the wedding or not do it and not be in the wedding.  You can't control what she does.  Same with the dress--there was no need for you or your sister to monitor her progress in buying it.  

    I would give her some breathing room.  Then call her up, apologize for freaking out (even if you don't think you were, looking at this objectively as a disinterested party this was a bit over the top) and tell her that you just want her there and you will help her with any accommodations (technically, you're supposed to foot the bill for OOT WP members if you want to be a stickler for etiquette and it sounds like this friend could use a hand).  Then leave her alone about all of this.  Then call her and be a FRIEND first, BRIDE second.  She probably feels like she's supposed to pony up a lot of money that she doesn't have and doesn't want to tell you that.  

    EDIT: Also, your sister needs to back off.  It's not her job to manage the BMs.  There is nothing to manage and your BM is right, when she buys the dress is absolutely none of your sister's concern.
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  • Just to check, did you ask for your BM's budget before choosing what she had to buy?  If you didn't, I can understand why she may not have made the purchase - you chose something out of her price range and she doesn't have the heart to tell you that you went over budget.

    Beyond that, your MOH stuck her neck out in ways that were somewhat nice and somewhat inappropriate.  Harping on your BM is out of line and while paying for the BM dress was nice, it can backfire as well.

    What I'd do now:   Back off.  Your friend is well aware of what she needs to do and hopefully she'll be there.

    In the meantime, I do hope you're talking to her about her. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_unresponsive-bridesmaid-sound-advice-needed-long-but-please-readhelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:60232775-fcbd-454e-9501-900d4214bb59Post:9f5b491f-d894-4546-8399-d8a3812f26de">Unresponsive Bridesmaid: sound advice needed--long but please read/help</a>:
    [QUOTE]One of my BMs is a friend from high school. We were attached to the hip and though we had our ups and definate downs, we still managed to reconnect years later (after she relocated) and be friends. It was easy to talk to her again and it seemed her life had become more predictable or stable due to having a child (she's a single parent) and less fly by the seat of her pants. She lives nearly half of the country away from me so she cant be involved in all of the wedding activities, but either can my other BMs because of me living in another state from them. But it all works out--- we manage. ;) So my MOH (my sister) has been in regular contact with my BMs giving them hotel info, all dress info, etc... 7-8 months in advance. My wedding is now in 2 months and by this time all of them should have ordered their dress, booked hotel stay and booked flight if needed. BM#1 ordered hers and is totally on board! However, BM#2 (my high school friend) said she had ordered her dress a few months back when we chatted by phone. But when my MOH went to order her own dress (by the deadline she was given by the dress shop staff), MOH found out that the deadline was past! MOH also found out that BM#2 had NOT ordered her dress, so she had lied to me. The funny thing is that when she told me she had ordered it, she offered this information--- I didnt ask for it myself, nor did I pressure her as we had a few months still. So my MOH calls BM#2 to ask if she did order it and she says she has not. The deadline already passed for ordering the dress and for some reason, not only did she lie about ordering it, she never got around to it during the last 7 months. If my MOH didnt happen to go into the dress shop that day, my BM#2 would have never known that the deadline passed and who knows when she would have found out had we not found out for her. My MOH tried to ask if there is any reason why she hasnt ordered it and BM#2 acted like it wasnt any of my MOHs concern. My MOH worked something out with the manager at the dress shop and she ordered BM#2's dress but my MOH had to pay for it because though BM#2 said the day before she could buy it, I guess she couldnt. Even though my MOH had fronted the money for the dress, she never thanked her and I guess she didnt seem as concerned about missing the order deadline as she should have been. She has not planned her hotel stay, flight, etc and the wedding is only 2 months away. When my MOH asked her about this, she implied it will all work out, dont worry, its none of her concern. She even wouldnt tell my MOH when she could pay her back for the dress or when to expect to see the check but only that she will send her the check. I have been sooo easy going and understanding throughout this situation thus far. I had chosen cheap dresses for them, cheap shoes etc, I have thanked them for their involvement etc. I had let them know that there would be expenses and that if they couldnt swing this that it was okay to decline my invitation for them to be in my wedding party. BM#2 will not say if anything is wrong and I am careful to not ask anything she might feel is accusational or personal as she reacted that way towards my MOH. She hasnt reached out to me in the last 2 months. She now is planning to drive 6 states to my wedding instead of flying due to last minute flights being expensive. I am obviously worried about this too. What if she doesnt make it? If she doesnt have the money for her dress then how can she afford to get here or her hotel stay? It seems to be up front with her will only make her be defensive and she seems to not want to talk about anything she finds to be "personal" like finances and how she is doing things to be at the wedding etc. So what is your advice to me? I need it! Whats going on?!! :( More importantly what should I do?
    Posted by egadd[/QUOTE]
    I agree with pps.  Your MOH overstepped here big time.  She is not the "manager" of the WP, and really should not be haranguing the BM about ordering dresses or paying for plane tickets.

    And give your friend a break here, please.  She's a single mom.  I'm sure your wedding is far from being high on her priority list.  She's got a child, and presumably she's got a job and other responsibilities.

    It's wrong that she lied to you about her dress, but she may have felt like you were pressuring her, so she said what she did so you'd leave her alone.

    If she says she can drive to the wedding, she'll drive to the wedding.  If she says she'll have the dress, she'll get the dress.  If neither of those things happens, she won't be in your wedding.  But you'll still be married, so the end result of what the day is about will still happen.

    It's unfortunate.  But here's my bottom line advice:  you can't control what other people do.  You can only control how you respond to their actions.  So you can either spend the next 2 months obsessing over something you have absolutely NO control over, or you can let it go.  The choice is yours.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • Your MOH is not in charge of "managing" the BMs. That would probably rub me the wrong way if I was a BM in your wedding.  It bugs me enough when brides go all "I'm in charge because its MY DDDAAAYYYY" on me but if the MOH started telling me what to do I'd have a serious issue with it.

    Your MOH should probably expect to never see that money again but I think it serves her right for sticking her nose where it didn't belong.  She has told you not to worry about these things so stop worrying and stop pestering her (and ask your MOH to do the same).
  • lauralaurlauralaur member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited May 2010
    She could very well be having money troubles and understandably may very well be uncomfortable discussing her troubles with ANYONE, especially your MOH. It is OK for your MOH to ask if she has ordered the dress or not, but not why she has not ordered the dress. Did your MOH get the green light to order the dress for BM#2 from BM#2 prior to ordering it? Or did she just order it and assume that BM#2 would pay her back?

    Or, maybe she really doesn't think it's that big of a deal. It's possible that she just doesn't "get it" that the dress has to be ordered by a certain date or there is no dress, etc. If you have given her all of the information necessary to order the dress and make her way to the wedding, and she is choosing not to make any arrangements, then there really is nothing you can do.

    Stay out of the "debt" owed to your MOH, that is for them to work out. I do not believe your MOH should have ordered the dress for BM#2 in the first place.
  • Well if talking to her seems like prying and she gets confrontational, not much you can do but hope she does make it. If she doesn't, then maybe find a replacement asap or just wing it without her presence.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_unresponsive-bridesmaid-sound-advice-needed-long-but-please-readhelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:60232775-fcbd-454e-9501-900d4214bb59Post:7ef11f55-84fb-400e-8cb2-a5343f438baf">Re: Unresponsive Bridesmaid: sound advice needed--long but please read/help</a>:
    [QUOTE]Well if talking to her seems like prying and she gets confrontational, not much you can do but hope she does make it. If she doesn't, then maybe find a replacement asap  <strong>Ouch!! This is really terrible advice.  "replacements" are insulting to the original person ("you're so unimportant to us that we can replace you on short notice"  AND to the replacement.  It screams "You weren't good enough the first time around, but we care more about symmetry than we do about your feelings so will you be in our wedding?" </strong> or just wing it without her presence.
    Posted by loop0406[/QUOTE]
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_unresponsive-bridesmaid-sound-advice-needed-long-but-please-readhelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:60232775-fcbd-454e-9501-900d4214bb59Post:7ef11f55-84fb-400e-8cb2-a5343f438baf">Re: Unresponsive Bridesmaid: sound advice needed--long but please read/help</a>:
    [QUOTE]Well if talking to her seems like prying and she gets confrontational, not much you can do but hope she does make it. If she doesn't, then maybe find a replacement asap or just wing it without her presence.
    Posted by loop0406[/QUOTE]

    <div>How insulting to both the original BM and the replacement.</div>
  • I am not hearing others give suggestions as to what can be done if BM doesn't appear........I have just read that she should talk to BM which is cool but what is she to DO if BM doesn't show?  As for replacement, I meant the day of wedding, BM doesn't show and she's a BM short, I am sure another friend or family member will jump in and offer to wear the dress...

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_unresponsive-bridesmaid-sound-advice-needed-long-but-please-readhelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:60232775-fcbd-454e-9501-900d4214bb59Post:e1edcf0e-7fff-4f13-b191-10be64f7a33c">Re: Unresponsive Bridesmaid: sound advice needed--long but please read/help</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am not hearing others give suggestions as to what can be done if BM doesn't appear........I have just read that she should talk to BM which is cool but what is she to DO if BM doesn't show?  As for replacement, I meant the day of wedding, BM doesn't show and she's a BM short, I am sure another friend or family member will jump in and offer to wear the dress...
    Posted by loop0406[/QUOTE]
    What?  No, that's awful.  If the BM doesn't show up on the day of the wedding, one girl walks down with two guys, or one guy walks alone.  It's not a role in a play, it's horribly insulting to ask someone to "jump in."
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • You can't do anything if a BM doesn't appear.  Rearrange the processional if you need to but nothing else can be done.  Asking someone to be a replacement at all is insulting, let alone the day of the wedding.

    So my advice if a BM doesn't show is do nothing.  Sure, it is disappointing and probably friendship ending but no reason to find a last minute warm body to fill the spot.  People are not props.

    One of our GMs (DH douchebag stepbrother) was arrested the night of the rehearsal and spent our wedding day in jail.  We had the tux and could've easily picked someone at random to fill the spot.  But we didn't because that would've been ridiculously insulting to everyone involved not to mention completely unnecessary.  Nobody aside from DH, myself, the WP and his parents even knew he was missing and it didn't impact our wedding day at all, aside from the fact that he was in jail and couldn't be a the wedding.
  • If the BM doesn't show, her marriage will still be vaild with uneven sides.  We had uneven sides and 10 months later we are still very much married.

    If the BM doesn't show, this ought to be a cautionary tale to the OP and her sister that if you hound friends like collection agents, they won't want to come to your party.
    Courtesy of megk8oz
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    "I think bablingbrooke is the 13 yr old marring her cousin at the town hall. Lets all give her a big hand. And hope her inbred children can live normal lives." -tabs.

    A word of warning from your friends at Cracked.com: Remember that text is going to be how you make your first impression over the internet; if every third word you type is misspelled, people will automatically assume that you're a moron.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_unresponsive-bridesmaid-sound-advice-needed-long-but-please-readhelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:60232775-fcbd-454e-9501-900d4214bb59Post:e1edcf0e-7fff-4f13-b191-10be64f7a33c">Re: Unresponsive Bridesmaid: sound advice needed--long but please read/help</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am not hearing others give suggestions as to what can be done if BM doesn't appear........I have just read that she should talk to BM which is cool but what is she to DO if BM doesn't show?  As for replacement, I meant the day of wedding, BM doesn't show and she's a BM short, I am sure another friend or family member will jump in and offer to wear the dress...
    Posted by loop0406[/QUOTE]

    If she doesn't appear then she doesn't appear.

    It doesn't matter WHEN you ask a person to be a replacement.  You should NEVER ask someone to be a replacement.  Period.

    If the BM doesn't make it, the OP is down a BM.  That's not a "problem" at all.

    Please try to understand loop that while you may mean well, the advice you've given really goes against the principles of many here.
  • Loop, it's a wedding party, not a military operation - you don't need a contingency plan.
  • I would get in touch with the BM, and apologize for your over-zealous MOH. Explain that she was only trying to be helpful, and you're sorry if her behavior was annoying, but she meant well. Tell her that she shouldn't worry about anything, but her presence at your wedding means the world to you, and you hope that whatever drama has happened will not affect your friendship. If you're part of the reason for your MOH's behavior, have a talk with both your MOH and this BM, and say that you realize you were being insensitive.

    I can guarantee that your BM is stressed and struggling and doing the best she can. This situation got a bit out of hand, but it's not too late to fix it and keep everyone you care about happy. Just approach it tactfully.
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