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FMIL's Two Cents

Krempn14Krempn14
First Comment
in Moms and Maids
So, the other day- FI and I were meeting with the photographer at his parents' house. As we were discussing the timeline and what the reception will be like, the photographer asked about certain things we may or not be doing. I mentioned how we do a traditional Eastern European bridal dance, and then he asked if we will be doing the bouquet toss and the garter toss... FMIL immediately answers 'No, there will be no garter toss happening/'

Now, IMHO, that's fine if she doesn't want pictures of that. But, it's a tradition to do the garter toss, and though maybe corny, I want to do it. I have no intentions of having FI crawling up my skirt to get it and pulling it out with his teeth... and she's well aware I'm not that type of person. And regardless, it's our wedding- not hers... what gives her the right to dictate what will be happening and not happening at it?

I've really tried to be patient, but her constant butting-in is really starting to get on my last nerve. I've been good about smiling politely, and agreeing or politely disagreeing, but I think she's overstepping her bounds now. I've mentioned it to FI, and how I'm getting to be at my wits end, and he agrees, and has said things.. but its not even getting through to her with him saying something. Am I ridiculous for being upset? And if not, should I really stop worrying about her feelings? (Because being firm does NOTHING with this woman.)
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Re: FMIL's Two Cents

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    jagore08jagore08 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Is your FMIL paying for the photographer?  If not don't have meetings with them at her place.  That really goes with any vendor.  

    If she is paying then let her meet the vendors she's paying for but have the meetings privately with just them and you and your FI.

    When you have your final meeting with your vendors fill them in on what's going on (like you having your garter toss).
    Ignorance is a poor defense. Image and video hosting by TinyPic
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    MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Tell FMIL that out of respect for her, you or the mc will make an announcement before the garter removal. She may leave the room if she wishes. In the future, meet with your vendors without your FMIL. Of course, I'm assuming she is not paying for the wedding.
                       
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    Lisa8888Lisa8888
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    edited December 2011
    I recall your other thread about your FMIL.

    Why did you meet with the photographer at your FMIL's house? Why was she part of the discussion about wedding poses? Who is paying for the photographer? Is the contract with the photographer with you and your FI or with your FMIL?

    Why did you say that's fine if she doesn't want photos of the garter toss?

    The photo poses should be totally up to the bride and groom. Even if your FMIL is paying, I have never heard of a parent deciding on type of poses. Didn't your FI speak up when she said this? Didn't you speak up?

    This whole thing sounds strange. I suspect there is more to this story.
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    Krempn14Krempn14
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    She's not paying for the wedding, but she is paying for the photographer. My cousin offered to do the photography as her wedding present to us, but FI's parents insisted that we hire their friend. So we reluctantly agreed, as long as they were the ones paying. Which is why we agreed to meet with him at their house.

    Again, if she doesn't want pictures of the garter toss, fine by me. But the fact that she was adament that we not even do the garter toss at all- let alone have photos of it-- without discussing it with me or FI just really floored me. She's seriously putting me at my breaking point- and her behavior is starting to really set off my mother and sister (MOH) because my parents are contributing to the wedding as well, and she's really upsetting me and putting unnecessary stress on me at a time I don't need right now.

    I don't want to put FI in a bad position, but if she doesn't start listening to one of us soon, and stop making assumptions like she's running the show, I'm going to snap. I've tried to keep her excluded as much as possible from the planning so she can't butt-in, but she still manages to find a way and to ask me ridiculous questions or put strange, out of line demands on me. I don't want to strain our relationship and I definitely don't want there to be a strain between the two families, but I don't know how to say something without her either losing it or holding it against me.
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    Lisa8888Lisa8888
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Is her friend a real wedding photographer?

    Now your FMIL has crossed the line. She doesn't get a say about the garter toss and she doesn't get a say about the type of photos. It doesn't matter if she is paying for the photographer.

    Both you and your FI should have spoken up when she said that. That is not up to her. She has to be straighten out on this.

    Because this photographer is her friend, he may not want to go against her. You should talk to this photographer and find out how he intends on handling things. Tell him that you expect him to take the photos that you want and not what she wants. If he can't agree to that, get another photographer. 
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    MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    I agree with you, paying for the photographer does not give FMIL control over the whole wedding. You sound like you need a break from her. Let fi deal with his own mother before you say something you will regret.


                       
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    AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I agree with Maire, let your FI handle this situation. I would be holding back some rage if she said the same thing to me. FI needs to tell her that there will be a garter/bouquet toss and that her presuming what certain things will be for his and your wedding is not acceptable. 
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    longman801longman801 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
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    briawnabriawna member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I have similar issues with my FMIL (there is a whole post about it if you want to read it . . .it will probably make you feel better about your situation!)

    My FMIL is paying for the flowers and wants to drape all the arrangements in clouds of white tulle.
    I let her get her two cents out at our vendor meeting, and then I had a private phone call with the vendor and explained that FMIL and I had some differences of taste, and that we would be doing things my way, and that all communication of design was to be with me and me alone.  I then told FMIL that I appreciated all her input and it was so great to get a second opinion, but let her calmly know that I was considering several design options and would ultimately choose one that best fit our wedding and our style.  That way it wasn't an out-and-out denial of her input, but it let her know not to expect anything.

    I think you're a little up a creek with the photographer being their friend.  (Yikes!)  But if the photographer is professional, you should be able to call them and explain that it is your wedding, and that you will provide them with a complete list of the shots you expect to have taken.

    In terms of how to deal with your FMIL, DON'T just leave it up to you FI.  It sounds like he's on your side (luckily, so is mine, and he has talked to her on several occassions) but the truth is, she's your family too now. 

    You're going to be married.  This means a lifetime of dealing with this woman.  Your FI might have some boundaries set with her, but believe me, she will try to test any new boundaries with you.  Use the wedding as a chance to firmly let her know that your household and your life will be run on your terms . . . not hers.  Do you want to put it all on your husband everytime a family event has some complication with her?  What about when you have children (if you choose to)?  She's you'r mom too now.  You'll have to stand up to her at some time, and this is a good opportunity to cut off her bossyness before it gets out of control.

    I would sit down with her and ask her what her specific objections to the garter toss are.  If she has a chance to share her fears or concerns with you, then she will probably feel better.  Also, you  can then have a chance to assure her that the toss will not be rank or embarassing and that you won't be showing off your hoo-ha to the whole room of all her friends and family.  Then you can calmly tell her it's a fun tradition that you plan to uphold, but that she need not be there when it happens if she's uncomfortable.

    Regardless, use this opportunity to practice dealing with her and establishing some clear boundaries between the two of you.
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    Krempn14Krempn14
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    As far as I know, her only objection/opinion- regardless of how it's done, is that it's a tacky/tasteless tradition. She's very used to going to society million-dollar weddings, and I get the feeling we're too low-brow for her since we're not city people and come from a small town. And she wants her society friends impressed.
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    Krempn14Krempn14
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    CMGr --- That's my mistake.. (even though everyone else on here seemed to get what I was saying) I don't mean to make it sound that way about all society/wealthy people. It's just how she and her circle are. It's not like because we don't live in a big city we don't have wealthy family etc. Many of them are indeed coming to the wedding- and they don't have this attitude whatsoever.

    In fact, I did say: I get the feeling we're too low-brow for her since we're not city people and come from a small town. And she wants her society friends impressed.

    I meant moreso it's her. It's her attitude. Because even her 'society'/wealthy friends I've met have been very down to earth, at least to me anyway. It's more her spin on things and her attitude to which I was reffering. I honestly don't think any of them would mind the garter thing at all- which is why I'm confused on her attitude about it/her guests.

    I didn't say these things would not impress them.. just in her head. Her face also looked like it was going to crumple up completely when I mentioned our traditional Slovak/Polish bridals/dollar dance. But that's a cultural tradition that I'm definitely not giving up.
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