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Guests to invite?!?!

evakatherineevakatherine
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
I am having the worst time whittling down the guest list. As I got a final estimate for the food, I realize that I don't need to invite all the people that I have on the list. The question is...who do I cut out?
I am part of a large church community and am close to a lot of people in it, even though I have been away at college for the past 4 years. It is really hard to cut people out, but I just tell myself that I will send those people announcements. Does anyone have any tips on cutting people out of the guest list??? I desperately need some advice!! Thanks :)
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Re: Guests to invite?!?!

  • itzMSitzMS member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    You and your FI will need to make the guest list decisions yourselves.

    Did you send out save the dates? If so, you're kind of stuck with the guest list you have.

    Are either of your parents paying for the wedding? If so, you must also consider your parents' guest lists.
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  • Kate61487Kate61487 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    I tried to go with a "if I caught a glimpse of you across a crowded city street, would I chase after you to say hello and catch up?" method.  It worked well for college friends and sorority sisters so I assume it would work for church friends you haven't seen in 4 years.  I tried to make sure that, even for family where there was more obligation, I would be legitimately excited to see and catch up with everyone.

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  • nickstevie108nickstevie108
    First Comment
    Think in groups when you are cutting down!  For example, if you are going to cut out a second cousin and their spouse, you probably shouldn't invite their brother/sister/parents etc because they will definitely feel left out.  At the same time, if you don't invite the entire group it will be less likely to offend and can help you cut larger numbers at a time.
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Well, I'd think in terms of how close you are to people.  For example, I at least would think that immediate family (parents, siblings, in-laws, children) would get top priority.  After that, think of the people you are closest to.  That might or might not involve the church people you are referring to.  If you are closer to a friend than a distant cousin, the friend gets priority over the cousin.

    You do have to keep couples together, and it's advisable (though not absolutely) to keep nuclear family units together as well, meaning parents, children, siblings who live in one household.  If you're not close to, say, co-workers, they can be left out if necessary, especially if you don't socialize with them outside of work.
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  • StephJean83StephJean83 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guests-to-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ae17ba9a-047a-40db-b2f3-ce81ca793c58Post:c02d1acb-869d-4256-8a7c-f35c36b6ac77">Re: Guests to invite?!?!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Think in groups when you are cutting down!  <strong>For example, if you are going to cut out a second cousin and their spouse, you probably shouldn't invite their brother/sister/parents etc because they will definitely feel left out.</strong>  At the same time, if you don't invite the entire group it will be less likely to offend and can help you cut larger numbers at a time.
    Posted by nickstevie108[/QUOTE]

    Though I agree about inviting in circles/groups, your 2nd cousin will be either your parents cousin or cousin's child. Saying to not invite 2nd cousin's parents would be not inviting your parents' aunt/uncle or not inviting your 1st cousin. You can draw the line at inviting just your 1st cousins or no cousins at all.

    OP, like PPs have said is good. If you've sent STDs out, you have to bite the bullet, cut elsewhere and invite everyone who received one and if you haven't sent any out, you and your FI(and parents if they are helping you pay) need to sit down with your guest lists and cut from there. I understand the frustration of trying to figure out a happy medium with the guest list. I liked the idea of inviting those you would run across a crowded city to see if it is your friend and say "Hello" to/catch up vs just passing them by with the thought of "I wonder if that was Suzy. Probably not since I doubt she would be Chicago. Next time I see her I'll tell her I saw her doppelganger."
    You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back. - Barbara DeAngelis
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  • cwaggoner07cwaggoner07 member
    First Anniversary Name Dropper 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    My wedding planner told me that if you have not spoken with them in one year and they are not immediate family, you are NOT obligated to invite them. That helped us narrow down our guest list a lot, especially with friends we used to be close with but lost touch over the years.
    It was a fairytale. Image and video hosting by TinyPic Anniversary
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  • thurmanpowellthurmanpowell
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guests-to-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ae17ba9a-047a-40db-b2f3-ce81ca793c58Post:bfed6c3c-d7b2-4e1b-a724-91cbc853422b">Re: Guests to invite?!?!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Guests to invite?!?! : Though I agree about inviting in circles/groups, your 2nd cousin will be either your parents cousin or cousin's child. Saying to not invite 2nd cousin's parents would be not inviting your parents' aunt/uncle or not inviting your 1st cousin. You can draw the line at inviting just your 1st cousins or no cousins at all.
    Posted by StephJean83[/QUOTE]


    This isn't actually how 2nd cousins work (although regionally sometimes people refer to these cousins as 2nd cousns.) You're thinking of 1st cousins once removed. Second cousins would have parents that are cousins of each other. It's hard to explain, wikipedia has a chart.

    <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cousin" rel="nofollow">http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cousin</a>
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  • thurmanpowellthurmanpowell
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guests-to-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ae17ba9a-047a-40db-b2f3-ce81ca793c58Post:4ca66bba-1136-4806-a3d8-69f048a28b28">Re: Guests to invite?!?!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I tried to go with a <strong>"if I caught a glimpse of you across a crowded city street, would I chase after you to say hello and catch up?" method.</strong>  It worked well for college friends and sorority sisters so I assume it would work for church friends you haven't seen in 4 years.  I tried to make sure that, even for family where there was more obligation, I would be legitimately excited to see and catch up with everyone.
    Posted by Kate61487[/QUOTE]


    This is what I did as well. It happened so that people I hadn't seen in a long time, but who I wanted to catch up with ended up on the list and people I see weekly did not.
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  • erinlin25erinlin25 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer First Comment
    did the same thing myself; when it came to it I had people who I just felt bad if I didn't invite them, but when I looked at the bigger picture of realizing I hadn't spoken to them for over a year, and they haven't reached out to me either, then I shouldn't feel obligated to invite them to my wedding.  People's lives change and so do our friends.  The people who are still a part of your life should be the priority.  Start with the people you must invite and if you have room to add more people you can add to the list (before you send out any invites! don't do a "b list" type of thing).  People need to realize its expensive to host a wedding, and at the end of the day you can't have every single person there.  I was relived my parents were OK with me not inviting all my cousins-- there are some I talk to regularly and there are some I have not seen in over 10 years!  No way would I invite a distant cousin over a friend who I see on a regular basis!   
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  • Kate61487Kate61487 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guests-to-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ae17ba9a-047a-40db-b2f3-ce81ca793c58Post:c26127e8-e716-4316-8281-62310badba65">Re: Guests to invite?!?!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Guests to invite?!?! : This isn't actually how 2nd cousins work (although regionally sometimes people refer to these cousins as 2nd cousns.) You're thinking of 1st cousins once removed. Second cousins would have parents that are cousins of each other. It's hard to explain, wikipedia has a chart. <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cousin" rel="nofollow">http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cousin</a>
    Posted by thurmanpowell[/QUOTE]

    Thanks for this thurman - I've tried to explain removed cousins to so many people and it apparently gets really confusing.  H's "immediate" family is actually almost entirely second cousins and they just call everyone aunt/uncle on a generational basis regardless of the actual blood relation.  that chart's helpful

    image

     

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  • SKPMSKPM member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer Name Dropper
    In Response to Re:Guests to invite?!?!:[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Guests to invite?!?!:In Response to Re: Guests to invite?!?! : This isn't actually how 2nd cousins work although regionally sometimes people refer to these cousins as 2nd cousns. You're thinking of 1st cousins once removed. Second cousins would have parents that are cousins of each other. It's hard to explain, wikipedia has a chart. <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/CousinPosted" rel="nofollow">http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/CousinPosted</a> by thurmanpowellThanks for this thurman I've tried to explain removed cousins to so many people and it apparently gets really confusing.nbsp; H's "immediate" family is actually almost entirely second cousins and they just call everyone aunt/uncle on a generational basis regardless of the actual blood relation.nbsp; that chart's helpful Posted by Kate61487[/QUOTE]

    Double thanks. I'm also kind of a stickler with things like semantics, grammar, and family definitions like this. With your first cousins, your parents are siblings; with your second cousins, your grandparents are siblings; etc. "Once removed" refers to one step down generationally, so your first cousin's child is your first cousin once removed.

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