"Officially" engaged and a vent

Re: "Officially" engaged and a vent

• Laura1027

  

  August 2011 edited December 2011

  Congratulations, mfeo!!!! 
  
  I've dealt with the same thing, and the best advice I have to give is to just ignore it.  I know, not very comforting, but really...there is nothing you can do about it with most people.  Now your dad, well...do you live close enough to introduce him to your FI?  If so, do that right away!  Perhaps there's someone your dad trusts and who has met your FI that could 'vouch' for your FI?  If you approach him from the standpoint of "I understand you're concerned for me, dad, but...." that could help too?
  
  As far as waiting til you're divorced, it sounds like maybe some family members haven't moved on the way you have.  Give them a little time to catch up, lol.  One thing I've learned the really hard way is do not, do not, start planning your wedding until your divorces are final.  Mine is coming down to the wire as to whether my FI will be divorced before I have to send out invitations and it has made the entire planning process very stressful.  This should be a lot more fun than it has been since we've had this 'cloud' hanging over us.  He stayed married to her so she could have medical insurance (they'ver been separated 7 years) and now she's stalling; don't get me started, lol. 
  
  Anyway, try to put yourself in other people's shoes and understand where they're coming from, but when push comes to shove, ignore them and don't let them affect your happiness.  Best wishes to you!

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• handfast4me member

  

  August 2011 edited December 2011

  Wait.  You're not officially divorced and you're engaged?  Are both of you still married to other people, or just one of you?  Uh, yeah, I don't think I'd be jumping up and down for joy for you either.  Hate to rain on your parade, but truthfully, you both (if you're both still married to other people) need to take some time to process, figure out what each of you did wrong in your prior relationships, as it's rarely and one way street in those things. 
  
  Hmm.  And you've written in previous posts that your family hates him because he's 11 years older than you are.  How old are you?  (Self disclosure here, my DH is 9 years younger than I am, but I'm in my 50s, you do the math.)  And how long ago was your first wedding?   These are all things that play into people's reactions to your news.
  
  I've seen plenty of women on these boards over the last few years come on and say "my family and friends hate him, and I don't know why, he's so perrrrrrrfect for me despite the fact that  INSERT PROBLEM HERE."   and then, a few months later, they end up on TIP.  And then the divorce, and they say "oh, why didn't anyone tell me he was an a$$hat?"  
  
  Just food for thought.  
  

  Don't mess with the old dogs; age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

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• mfeo24

  

  August 2011 edited December 2011

  I do understand people's hesitations, but we've done our due diligence with ensuring this is right. While it's fast for others, it's not too fast for us. We actually waited a bit longer just to warm people up to the idea. Those who have been around us are more supportive than those who haven't had time to get to know us as a couple.
  
  It must have been another bride, it wasn't me who is 11 years younger and my dad doesn't hate him, just hasn't met him. He had just now started to ask about him and become interested, but this set us back a few steps.. We live long distance, but are visiting at Thanksgiving. Laura - we are taking some of those steps with him.

  Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml

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• Scarlet Starlet 31 member

  

  August 2011 edited December 2011

  I don't think people are making comments because you're entering into a second marriage-they're making comments to you because you're entering into a second marriage while you're still in your first.
  If you are happy with your decision to proceed with your relationship this way, then find a personal mantra to help you ignore other peoples' comments, and be aware that they probably won't stop until you are divorced.

  
  

  (I wasn't clear from your post who is still married-you or your FI or both, so I'm assuming it's you?)

  

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• ichellemay1

  

  August 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_officially-engaged-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:a89b465f-eae9-4fed-813c-e71b0e297f5ePost:d3c3d5da-288c-4267-a779-41583700a021">Re: "Officially" engaged and a vent</a>:
  [QUOTE]I don't think people are making comments because you're entering into a second marriage-<strong>they're making comments to you because you're entering into a second marriage while you're still in your first</strong>. If you are happy with your decision to proceed with your relationship this way, then find a personal mantra to help you ignore other peoples' comments, and be aware that they probably won't stop until you are divorced. (I wasn't clear from your post who is still married-you or your FI or both, so I'm assuming it's you?)
  Posted by Scarlet Starlet 31[/QUOTE]
  
  I agree with this.  Once the divorce(s) are settled, people may be more open to it.  If not - go with Retread's mantra.

  

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• awayagain member

  

  August 2011 edited December 2011

  I'm 100% with Handfast and Scarlet on this one....

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• Marrin713 member

  

  August 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_officially-engaged-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:a89b465f-eae9-4fed-813c-e71b0e297f5ePost:62bb9c0a-f588-4677-86e4-bff5d8ab9acb">"Officially" engaged and a vent</a>:
  [QUOTE]Yes, FI and I have intended to get married and planning the wedding for a few months, but he wanted to wait for a ring on my hand and surprise proposal before we considered ourselves engaged. So, our day finally came!!! You can see the story here if you like: <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_surprise-b-day-proposal" rel="nofollow">http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_surprise-b-day-proposal</a> My vent is from all the reactions one gets from a second engagement, some of which were expected and some were just harsh. My mom and his parents are excited and a few friends have been genuinely happy, but other reactions have been unenthusiastic (fine, I expected this and downplay the propsal to just a basic announcement), but my dad is verging on furious. He hasn't met him and it been quick. So he's demanding to know why he's can't google anything about FI (he has no online presence so it seems to be causing some distrust) <strong>and why we can't wait till we're divorced (we didn't want to even wait this long.) </strong>This morning a coworker (friend?) offers no congrats just "You getting married next week on vacation? Oh right, you have to get divorced first." Aside from talk of exes, even my grandma was just "oh, that's nice, I hope you make each other happy." Some of this I realize we'll have to work through, like with dad, but I just really wish I didn't have to deal with other's issues around our relationship and just do what works for us.
  Posted by mfeo24[/QUOTE]
  
  But you HAVE to wait that long.  You have no choice unless you do some sort of symbolic ceremony and then get married legally after the divorces are final.

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• RichNicci4211122

  

  September 2011 edited December 2011

  I completely understand where you are coming from.  My FI and I both came from terrible marriages.  When I left my 1st husband he followed.  My divorce was final able 2 months after I left and his will be final at the end of next month.  We are planning our wedding, but have met with less than enthusiastic responses.  His parents are thrilled that we are getting married, and not just living together, but don't understand why we are having such a big wedding since this is my 2nd and his 3rd.  My parents could care less who I am with.  As for our friends they knew it was coming so are accepting of it.
  Congratulations on your engagement and I wish you all the happiness.

  141 Are ready to party!
  

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• louloubelle84 member

  

  September 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_officially-engaged-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:a89b465f-eae9-4fed-813c-e71b0e297f5ePost:9652a864-1a35-4193-8db9-22a2a7916e57">Re: "Officially" engaged and a vent</a>:
  [QUOTE]Wait.  You're not officially divorced and you're engaged?  Are both of you still married to other people, or just one of you?  Uh, yeah, I don't think I'd be jumping up and down for joy for you either.  Hate to rain on your parade, but truthfully, you both (if you're both still married to other people) need to take some time to process, figure out what each of you did wrong in your prior relationships, as it's rarely and one way street in those things.  Hmm.  And you've written in previous posts that your family hates him because he's 11 years older than you are.  How old are you?  (Self disclosure here, my DH is 9 years younger than I am, but I'm in my 50s, you do the math.)  And how long ago was your first wedding?   These are all things that play into people's reactions to your news.<strong> I've seen plenty of women on these boards over the last few years come on and say "my family and friends hate him, and I don't know why, he's so perrrrrrrfect for me despite the fact that  INSERT PROBLEM HERE."   and then, a few months later, they end up on TIP.  And then the divorce, and they say "oh, why didn't anyone tell me he was an a$$hat?"   Just food for thought.  </strong>
  Posted by handfast4me[/QUOTE]<div>
  <div>THIS was so me! I am not yet engaged, but am dating. MY\y divorce was final in April, and my exH is already remarried (but that's a whole other story). After we sepearated, so many of my family and friends basically said "I told you so" but I never really <em>heard </em>them until it was too late <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-frown.gif" border="0" alt="Frown" title="Frown" />
  
  </div></div>

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