Another Pregnant BM Post!

owengirl996 · December 2011

Just came to edit to let any readers know this post is no longer an issue. I'm going to, yet again, make her feelings my top priority (because I do LOVE her, she's my family and my friend), so whatever happens, happens. I'm going to be the only one that will be looking at the pictures on down the road anyway. Nobody else really cares about the details, so I'm just going to get over it. Thanks!

So let me start off by saying I AM happy that my cousin's pregnant.

On the other hand, I'm not so thrilled. I'm not sure what to do. She's due 10 days before our wedding. I was originally going to leave it up to her, but I've talked to a few other people and they think I should ask her to step down for her sake and my own. Everyone is saying she won't feel like being up there whether she's over due or just had a baby in the past couple of weeks. It is going to be in August outdoors, so it's going to be hot.

What would you do? I really don't want to ask her to step down, but at the same time, the colors of the dresses would be really messed up if, at the last minute, she couldn't be there. Plus, it'd also be pulling out a GM as her husband is one.

I wouldn't be quite so upset had she not TRIED to get pregnant, knowing my wedding was in 9 months (from the time she started trying). But at the same time, I realize she can't just put her life on hold for my wedding. We were just close and I helped SO much with her wedding in October that I was really hoping for the same.

This is probably a touchy subject, and I realize it's a bit Bridezilla of me...but frankly, it's my wedding and I really don't want to stress out because of her for the next 8 ish months. Oh, and her dad is my photographer, which also makes me nervous, depending on when she goes into labor, but that's another post.

jagore08 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_another-pregnant-bm-post?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:63631f81-3e02-439f-9aa6-9d4bb6a659dcPost:a3f6c3f2-094c-4c51-a6ea-18cb7d075066">Another Pregnant BM Post!</a>:
[QUOTE]So let me start off by saying I AM happy that my cousin's pregnant. On the other hand, I'm not so thrilled. I'm not sure what to do. She's due 10 days before our wedding. I was originally going to leave it up to her, but I've talked to a few other people and they think I should ask her to step down for her sake and my own. Everyone is saying she won't feel like being up there whether she's over due or just had a baby in the past couple of weeks. It is going to be in August outdoors, so it's going to be hot. What would you do? <strong>I really don't want to ask her to step down</strong>, but at the same time,<strong> the colors of the dresses would be really messed up if, at the last minute, she couldn't be there</strong>. Plus, <strong>it'd also be pulling out a GM as her husband is one</strong>. <div><font class="Apple-style-span" color="#0000ff"><strong>
</strong></font></div><div><font class="Apple-style-span" color="#0000ff"><strong>I wouldn't be quite so upset had she not TRIED to get pregnant, knowing my wedding was in 9 months (from the time she started trying). This isn't the first time she's been kind of selfish, but at the same time, I realize she can't just put her life on hold for my wedding.</strong></font> </div><div>
</div><div>We were just close and <strong>I helped SO much with her wedding in October that I was really hoping for the same.</strong> This is probably a touchy subject, and I realize it's a bit Bridezilla of me...but frankly, it's my wedding and I really don't want to stress out because of her for the next 8 ish months. Oh, and her dad is my photographer, which also makes me nervous, depending on when she goes into labor, but that's another post.
Posted by owengirl996[/QUOTE]</div><div>
</div><div>1. Do NOT kick her out of your WP because she's pregnant. If she happens to deliver shortly before your wedding then congratulate her and keep her as an honorary BM. Same goes with her husband. I can't stress this enough, <strong>BEING PREGNANT IS NOT A DEBILITATING DISEASE. </strong></div><div>
</div><div>2. How would the colors of dresses be messed up. I'm not quite understanding this but <em>if </em>it has to do with replacing her with someone else because you want even numbers, that's really rude to your pregnant friend and the person you're replacing her with. That's saying to your pregnant friend that she's replaceable and to the replacement it's saying you weren't good enough for me to ask in the first place.</div><div>
</div><div>3. The blue part is completely out of line. If you know that no one has to put their life on hold for your wedding then you need to turn off that self centered part of your brain that thinks she's selfish for wanting to have a baby. You should be happy for your friend, no matter when they conceived. If you're not then you're not a very good friend to her. Plain and simple. Your wedding is one day. That baby is for life.</div><div>
</div><div>4. It was very nice of you to have helped her plan her wedding but it's not a requirement. That was something you chose to do. She also has the choice and if she chooses not to you can't fault her for that. Hire a planner or turn to your FI for help. If she offers to help then that's great but you shouldn't expect it.</div>

owengirl996 · December 2011

Well, no because I didn't explain the dress colors.

Whatever. I'm not deleting my post so if someone else has the same question, they can just read this instead of being insulted. But asking her to step down would not be 100% selfish. Everyone I've talked to that has children said there's no way she's going to want to be up there days after giving birth (or over 9 months pregnant). I don't want her to force herself up there, making herself sick and miserable because she doesn't want to let me down.

You don't know our relationship. She's not just a friend, she's my cousin. I never said it was a debilitating disease, but I DO have her in mind and don't want her to be miserable!!!

No need to reply again. I'm going to figure something out. I won't be coming back to read replies (because pretty sure they're all going to be rude...I asked for opinions of the situation, not of ME as a person. You don't know ME.)

Thanks.

AdeleDazeem · December 2011

OP - I mean this is the nicest way possible - you really have your head on backwards about this situation.

Your solution is actually so simple: you say nothing other than "Is there something I can do to make you more comfortable at the wedding?" Meaning, she is 9 months pregnant. Be sure that she has a seat in the front row if she feels like sitting. Her comfort is about 10x more important than your bridesmaid color scheme.

If she has the baby or otherwise cannot attend the wedding, many brides have sent the the BM bouquet to her house or hospital room.

In no way should you ask her to step down. That's just cruel. Being pregnant does not preclude her for supporting your marriage, which is really the most important job of a BM. Otherwise she needs to be at the wedding and smile for pictures. I'm sure someone, even nine months pregnant, can handle that.

AdeleDazeem · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_another-pregnant-bm-post?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:63631f81-3e02-439f-9aa6-9d4bb6a659dcPost:2e727fe5-5099-4264-8feb-f8367f2bd45f">Re: Another Pregnant BM Post!</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, no because I didn't explain the dress colors. Whatever. I'm not deleting my post so if someone else has the same question, they can just read this instead of being insulted. But asking her to step down would not be 100% selfish. Everyone I've talked to that has children said there's no way she's going to want to be up there days after giving birth (or over 9 months pregnant). I don't want her to force herself up there, making herself sick and miserable because she doesn't want to let me down. You don't know our relationship. She's not just a friend, she's my cousin. I never said it was a debilitating disease, but I DO have her in mind and don't want her to be miserable!!! No need to reply again. I'm going to figure something out. I won't be coming back to read replies (because pretty sure they're all going to be rude...I asked for opinions of the situation, not of ME as a person. You don't know ME.) Thanks.
Posted by owengirl996[/QUOTE]

But, OP ... two things:

1. If she WANTS to step down, that is one thing. You ASKING her is quite another. If she has a problem with the wedding, let her come to you.

2. If she does step down, what difference does it make? You don't need to "stress" for 8 months over a non-issue. Her being there won't make or break the wedding - your fiance not showing up would do that, but a BM? No. You will still be just as married at the end of the day. Remember that.

freebread03 · December 2011

Well, I was going to respond with some mildly good advice (like...that she has 8 months to decide if she wants to be in the wedding and when she's a little further along she may realize it's too big of a committment, and therefore remove herself). But, I bet the OP would think that's rude.

OP, frankly I think it was rude and out of line for YOU to say that you were sure that any of the responses you receive would be rude. She'll probably take herself out of your wedding anyways-can't imagine wanting to be in the wedding of a bridezilla like you. Problem solved!

jagore08 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_another-pregnant-bm-post?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:63631f81-3e02-439f-9aa6-9d4bb6a659dcPost:2e727fe5-5099-4264-8feb-f8367f2bd45f">Re: Another Pregnant BM Post!</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, no because I didn't explain the dress colors. Whatever. I'm not deleting my post so if someone else has the same question, they can just read this instead of being insulted. But asking her to step down would not be 100% selfish. Everyone I've talked to that has children said there's no way she's going to want to be up there days after giving birth (or over 9 months pregnant). I don't want her to force herself up there, making herself sick and miserable because she doesn't want to let me down. You don't know our relationship. She's not just a friend, she's my cousin. I never said it was a debilitating disease, but I DO have her in mind and don't want her to be miserable!!! No need to reply again. I'm going to figure something out. I won't be coming back to read replies (because pretty sure they're all going to be rude...I asked for opinions of the situation, not of ME as a person. You don't know ME.) Thanks.
Posted by owengirl996[/QUOTE]

<div>You're right, I don't know you or your relationship. I can only go off of what you post. </div><div>
</div><div>If you didn't explain the dress colors and are not willing then why even bring it up? And don't get snippy when someone asks you an innocent question about it when they're trying to help. Again, I can only go off of what you post.</div><div>
</div><div>Asking her to "step down" is kicking her out and you can't sugar coat it enough to make it nice. If she feels like it's too much for her then let her take herself out of your wedding. If you are truly concerned about her forcing herself to stay in your wedding then let her know that you want her to be next to you when you say your vows but you completely understand if she's not up to it and no matter what she'll be your BM.</div><div>
</div><div>And I said the comment about pregnancy not being a debilitating disease because of you saying she wouldn't be able to help because of her pregnancy, or something like that. </div><div>
</div><div>Also, don't let other people make up your friends mind for her ("Everyone I've talked to that has children said there's no way she's going to want to be up there days after giving birth (or over 9 months pregnant)"). They're probably right that she won't want to be there right after giving birth because it's not smart to have a newborn around a crowd and she probably won't want to leave the baby. But not everyone delivers on time so she may be pregnant at the time of your wedding. Just let her make the decision and support her with whatever she chooses. </div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

bedagi · December 2011

I really dislike reading these responses. You all have attacked this young woman who is seeking advice. Whether or not you agree with it, or it morally offends you, doesn't matter: You should respond in a mature, polite fashion. Offer your thoughts and advice, instead of demanding, "DO NOT" do this and "DO NOT" do that, as if your thoughts on the subject are the end all, be all. Calling people names is childish and immature. Find a way to remain polite, please, otherwise you render your own advice useless.

As to the question posed: This is a tricky situation, frankly, I understand why you are stressed, and that happens when you pick bridesmaids. We feel like this is our day and we want it to be about us, especially when we've done so much for others on their special day. It's inevitable in the end that something or another won't go as planned. My maid of honor just announced to me that she's pregnant as well (although she assures me she will be due a month prior).

In the end, you will have to make a judgement call on whether to leave her in your wedding or not. It is your day, so you get to decide. But, I would consider her feelings before doing so and prepare for the ramifications that come with the decision you ultimately make. If you think asking her to step down wont' hurt her feelings, and may even relieve her, or she won't care, then do so. Maybe she is really understanding and will be fine with it. However, it might hurt her feelings as well, so you'll just have to feel it out.

You can always appoint her a different task that may be easier on her; yes, having a baby is NOT a disease, as some so apptly pointed out (oye), but, it is EXHAUSTING. 10 days is nothing to sneeze at. if she has't given birth yet, that's one thing; but if she has, she's going to be sleep deprived, sore, and toting around a newborn who needs to be fed every few hours. You two will both have to figure out if she's up to this.

jagore08 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_another-pregnant-bm-post?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:63631f81-3e02-439f-9aa6-9d4bb6a659dcPost:34f86d35-783d-4075-9ee4-ae68c6846bcb">Re: Another Pregnant BM Post!</a>:
[QUOTE]I really dislike reading these responses. You all have attacked this young woman who is seeking advice. Whether or not you agree with it, or it morally offends you, doesn't matter: You should respond in a mature, polite fashion. Offer your thoughts and advice, instead of demanding, "DO NOT" do this and "DO NOT" do that, as if your thoughts on the subject are the end all, be all. Calling people names is childish and immature. Find a way to remain polite, please, otherwise you render your own advice useless.
Posted by bedagi[/QUOTE]

<div>What we post are opinions of our own. She, nor anyone, has to do what we say. We are offering her another point of view that she is not getting from others in her life. We don't know her so we are probably more blunt than others that do. I don't sugar coat things on here nor do I in real life. It's who I am. I can come off a bit too strong at times but you can either take it with a grain of salt or let it sink in that others may feel the way I say they could. </div><div>
</div><div>I would hope that posters come on here for honest advice and guidance. It's not always going to be what they want to hear but that's life. And I thought I was being constructive in my original response but from the way OP responded, it wasn't what she wanted to hear.</div><div>
</div><div>And no one called anyone names in this thread. I agree that name calling is childish and counterproductive.</div>

kelseymbacon · December 2011

Is a 'Bridezilla' not considered an insult (aka a name)?

.

jagore08 · December 2011

OP referred to herself as a bridezilla. The others that said it were just agreeing with OP.

AdeleDazeem · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_another-pregnant-bm-post?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:63631f81-3e02-439f-9aa6-9d4bb6a659dcPost:34f86d35-783d-4075-9ee4-ae68c6846bcb">Re: Another Pregnant BM Post!</a>:
[QUOTE]I really dislike reading these responses. You all have attacked this young woman who is seeking advice. Whether or not you agree with it, or it morally offends you, doesn't matter: You should respond in a mature, polite fashion. Offer your thoughts and advice, instead of demanding, "DO NOT" do this and "DO NOT" do that, as if your thoughts on the subject are the end all, be all. Calling people names is childish and immature. Find a way to remain polite, please, otherwise you render your own advice useless. As to the question posed: This is a tricky situation, frankly, I understand why you are stressed, and that happens when you pick bridesmaids. We feel like this is our day and we want it to be about us, especially when we've done so much for others on their special day. It's inevitable in the end that something or another won't go as planned. My maid of honor just announced to me that she's pregnant as well (although she assures me she will be due a month prior). In the end, you will have to make a judgement call on whether to leave her in your wedding or not. It is your day, so you get to decide. But, I would consider her feelings before doing so and prepare for the ramifications that come with the decision you ultimately make. If you think asking her to step down wont' hurt her feelings, and may even relieve her, or she won't care, then do so. Maybe she is really understanding and will be fine with it. However, it might hurt her feelings as well, so you'll just have to feel it out. You can always appoint her a different task that may be easier on her; yes, having a baby is NOT a disease, as some so apptly pointed out (oye), but, it is EXHAUSTING. 10 days is nothing to sneeze at. if she has't given birth yet, that's one thing; but if she has, she's going to be sleep deprived, sore, and toting around a newborn who needs to be fed every few hours. You two will both have to figure out if she's up to this.
Posted by bedagi[/QUOTE]

No. Just seriously no.

Being a BM is not rock science, nor does it make or break a wedding. Either the BM can be there or she cannot be. This is nothing to stress about for eight months over.

Honestly, it's most upsetting to all of us that she considering saying to her friend "Dude, you're pregnant. You can't possibly decide if you want to stand in my wedding or not so I'll make it easy for you. You are no longer a bridesmaid." That is ridiculous and MEAN. I don't care if that offends your feelers on how I'm responding. It. is. mean.

The BM is an adult who can assess her own situation and decide for herself. But really - I don't care how involved the color scheme is - the comfort and importance of your friend is way more important than whether the blue dress is standing next to the correct shade of red dress. Therefore, you do NOT kick her out and you offer her a CHAIR to sit in during the ceremony.

If the BM has more responsibilities than that, the bride is doing it WRONG.

freebread03 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_another-pregnant-bm-post?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:63631f81-3e02-439f-9aa6-9d4bb6a659dcPost:34f86d35-783d-4075-9ee4-ae68c6846bcb">Re: Another Pregnant BM Post!</a>:
[QUOTE]I really dislike reading these responses. You all have attacked this young woman who is seeking advice. Whether or not you agree with it, or it morally offends you, doesn't matter: You should respond in a mature, polite fashion. Offer your thoughts and advice, instead of demanding, "DO NOT" do this and "DO NOT" do that, as if your thoughts on the subject are the end all, be all. Calling people names is childish and immature. Find a way to remain polite, please, otherwise you render your own advice useless. As to the question posed: This is a tricky situation, frankly, I understand why you are stressed, and that happens when you pick bridesmaids. We feel like this is our day and we want it to be about us, especially when we've done so much for others on their special day. It's inevitable in the end that something or another won't go as planned. My maid of honor just announced to me that she's pregnant as well (although she assures me she will be due a month prior). In the end, you will have to make a judgement call on whether to leave her in your wedding or not. It is your day, so you get to decide. But, I would consider her feelings before doing so and prepare for the ramifications that come with the decision you ultimately make. If you think asking her to step down wont' hurt her feelings, and may even relieve her, or she won't care, then do so. Maybe she is really understanding and will be fine with it. However, it might hurt her feelings as well, so you'll just have to feel it out. You can always appoint her a different task that may be easier on her; yes, having a baby is NOT a disease, as some so apptly pointed out (oye), but, it is EXHAUSTING. 10 days is nothing to sneeze at. if she has't given birth yet, that's one thing; but if she has, she's going to be sleep deprived, sore, and toting around a newborn who needs to be fed every few hours. You two will both have to figure out if she's up to this.
Posted by bedagi[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Aww thanks bedagi! So nice of you to tell us how we should respond. Thanks for telling us all that we must remain polite and respond nicely. You're just...lovely!

</div>

freebread03 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_another-pregnant-bm-post?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:63631f81-3e02-439f-9aa6-9d4bb6a659dcPost:cfab7384-c575-45e5-8b08-f64d7538354d">Re: Another Pregnant BM Post!</a>:
[QUOTE]Is a 'Bridezilla' not considered an insult (aka a name)? .
Posted by kelseymbacon[/QUOTE]

<div>Kelsey, I'm confused. She called herself a bridezilla, but we can't agree with her that she's being one? Please explain.</div>

kaitlyn&henry · December 2011

I know shes no longer reading these...but my DH and i are starting to try to get pregnant in a few months. My sister isnt even engaged but made a comment that "I better not get pregnant before she gets married or during her wedding."

From someone on the other side, its really insensitive and rude to tell me when i can and cannot have children let alone make me feel like its a burden to anyone. Im not even pregnant and i already feel like my child is not welcome. Thats what it feels like when someone says you cant be in my wedding pregnant.

RaptorSLH · December 2011

[QUOTE] But asking her to step down would not be 100% selfish. [/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Yes, it would be. Not selfish is saying "Please let me know how you feel, and if there's anything I can do to make things easier for you." Not selfish is letting her choose whether or not to step down. Selfish is making the decision for her because you care more about dress colors than your friends/family.

</div>

RaptorSLH · December 2011

[QUOTE]She's due 10 days before our wedding. I was originally going to leave it up to her, but I've talked to a few other people and they think I should ask her to step down for her sake and my own. Everyone is saying she won't feel like being up there whether she's over due or just had a baby in the past couple of weeks.[/QUOTE]<div>She may well be too tired or overwhelmed, but that is her decision to make, not yours or theirs. They're giving you bad advice; your initial idea was correct.</div><div>
</div><div>[QUOTE]the colors of the dresses would be really messed up if, at the last minute, she couldn't be there. [/QUOTE]</div><div>Get over it. Your friend ought to matter more than your color scheme. No one will care about it half as much as you do.</div><div>
</div><div>[QUOTE]Plus, it'd also be pulling out a GM as her husband is one.[/QUOTE]</div><div>Get over it. </div><div>
</div><div>[QUOTE]I wouldn't be quite so upset had she not TRIED to get pregnant, knowing my wedding was in 9 months[/QUOTE]</div><div>You do not get to tell your friends and family to put major life events on hold for your pretty princess moment.</div><div>
</div><div>[QUOTE] I realize she can't just put her life on hold for my wedding. [/QUOTE]</div><div>Stick with this.</div><div>
</div><div>[QUOTE]We were just close[/QUOTE}</div><div>Were? So you're not friends now that she's pregnat?</div><div>
</div><div>[QUOTE]I helped SO much with her wedding in October that I was really hoping for the same.[/QUOTE]</div><div>If the only reason you helped in her wedding was so that she'd be the unpaid labor for yours, you should have asked for a paycheck instead. Weddings are not tit for tat, and if you're keeping score, you're looking at it all wrong.</div><div>
</div><div>[QUOTE] This is probably a touchy subject, and I realize it's a bit Bridezilla of me[/QUOTE]</div><div>Yes and yes.</div><div>
</div><div>[QUOTE]it's my wedding and I really don't want to stress out because of her for the next 8 ish months. [/QUOTE] </div><div>Then change your attitude. If it were just yours, you'd be alone in a room in a pretty dress. The minute you involve other people, they matter too. Your stress is up to you to control, it's not a valid reason to kick people out of the wedding party.</div><div>
</div><div>[QUOTE]Oh, and her dad is my photographer, which also makes me nervous, depending on when she goes into labor[/QUOTE]</div><div>This is actually a legitimate concern. Talk to him about it, but it may be time to look for another vendor. Or he may have another solution - there's a clause in my photographer's contracts that says if something happens and they're suddenly unavailable, it becomes their job to find and pay for a suitable replacement photographer for our event.</div><div>
</div>

jagore08 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_another-pregnant-bm-post?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:63631f81-3e02-439f-9aa6-9d4bb6a659dcPost:983e13a9-d131-4156-9359-af0a33e4e6d4">Re: Another Pregnant BM Post!</a>:
[QUOTE]I did come back, hoping someone had provided some good advice. There's a little in there. But there are a TON of assumptions made about me and my relationship with my cousin. But you all can put your holier than thou claws away. I did edit that this is no longer an issue-it's already been taken care of. And NO, I am NOT KICKING HER OUT! I never wanted to. If any of you actually read my post without already having a judgemental mindset, you'd know that wasn't what I wanted to do, that's what people had suggested to me and it had me all confused, so I was hoping to ask you all for some advice because I was receiving advice conflicting to what I'd originally wanted. Obviously this was a mistake as it all just upset me more than anything else. She told me over and over that she would help me with anything I needed, etc etc, so yes, I am bummed that I'm not going to get that help. You all don't even know the situation. I'm not just getting married where I live...I'm getting married where I grew up (900 miles away), so I'm depending on others to help me plan this wedding. I do have a coordinator, but she doesn't know me like my family does. It's not the end of the world, I was just expressing that I'm bummed I'm not getting this extra help, but I'll figure it out. So PLEASE just drop it! I may have worded some things poorly and I was upset when I posted the first time. I'm still upset about the way people provided "advice". I guess I'm just a terrible person, according to you all. I'm a mean bridezilla who doesn't deserve her (or anyone from the sound of it) in my wedding. Not that you all care, but we're not changing a thing, and just hoping she will be there. Like you all said, NOBODY else gives a rat's butt about how my wedding turns out except for me. I don't really know the point of this whole forum if I can't ask for advice and actually receive it, constructively!
Posted by owengirl996[/QUOTE]

<div>You've been around long enough to know that editing your OP after you've been quoted doesn't change anyone who has quoted you. Now please keep reading because I really do have <strong>constructive advice</strong>.</div><div>
</div><div>So, for this recent post. I know you said you didn't want to kick her out but you've been getting advice from others saying to do so. That's why I bolded it in my first response. I was just confirming what you originally wanted to do. Maybe that wasn't clear from what I wrote.</div><div>
</div><div>I also wrote that pregnancy wasn't a debilitating disease because you implied that she wouldn't be able to help because she's now pregnant. Now you see why I put that? And I still stand by the advice that she doesn't have to help. I planned my Florida wedding from California without a coordinator nor help from any of my wedding party. It's a bit stressful when you're not around to see everything but it's do-able. Most meetings with vendors was done via phone or email.</div><div>
</div><div>As far as you saying everyone thinks you're a terrible person, I don't think that was what<em> everyone </em>was trying to say. When you write things like, "I wouldn't be quite so upset if she not TRIED to get pregnant." and "This isn't the first time she's been kind of selfish.", it makes you look bad. You said you know that no one should put their life on hold, but yet you still expected her to. Do you see why people took offense to what you wrote now? Look at it from others point of view. No, we don't know you or your relationship but you shouldn't expect us to wither. We only know what you're writing so you can't jump down our throat for what you wrote.</div><div>
</div><div>Good luck with the rest of your planning.</div><div>
</div>

owengirl996 · December 2011

I did come back, hoping someone had provided some good advice. There's a little in there. But there are a TON of assumptions made about me and my relationship with my cousin.

But you all can put your holier than thou claws away. I did edit that this is no longer an issue-it's already been taken care of. And NO, I am NOT KICKING HER OUT! I never wanted to. If any of you actually read my post without already having a judgemental mindset, you'd know that wasn't what I wanted to do, that's what people had suggested to me and it had me all confused, so I was hoping to ask you all for some advice because I was receiving advice conflicting to what I'd originally wanted. Obviously this was a mistake as it all just upset me more than anything else.

She told me over and over that she would help me with anything I needed, etc etc, so yes, I am bummed that I'm not going to get that help. You all don't even know the situation. I'm not just getting married where I live...I'm getting married where I grew up (900 miles away), so I'm depending on others to help me plan this wedding. I do have a coordinator, but she doesn't know me like my family does. It's not the end of the world, I was just expressing that I'm bummed I'm not getting this extra help, but I'll figure it out.

So PLEASE just drop it! I may have worded some things poorly and I was upset when I posted the first time. I'm still upset about the way people provided "advice". I guess I'm just a terrible person, according to you all. I'm a mean bridezilla who doesn't deserve her (or anyone from the sound of it) in my wedding.

Not that you all care, but we're not changing a thing, and just hoping she will be there. Like you all said, NOBODY else gives a rat's butt about how my wedding turns out except for me. I don't really know the point of this whole forum if I can't ask for advice and actually receive it, constructively!

AdeleDazeem · December 2011

owen girl - I'm sorry you felt attacked, but we can only go off what you say. Since everyone jumped to the same conclusions, you have to understand that we all read it the way it was written, not some magical way you had it in your head, ya know?

For what it's worth, I don't think you suck. I just think you were looking at the situation in a poor way. I hope, however much you don't like the responses you got, that you do see how we were trying to help you see things in a different way. Sure, people can become a little too crass and blunt on these boards, but what else can we do when you say that her not being there will mess up the color scheme? Ya know... it's give and take.

I hope you've come to a conclusion that works for everyone without hurting feelings. Good luck!!

jagore08 · December 2011

When it comes to online forums, inflection is a hard thing to convey. You said you were emotional so you probably took things to be more personal than they were meant. Understandable. But you also have to remember that the things you wrote (being upset that she was trying to get pregnant and her being selfish because of it), that's all we know about the situation. We had no idea about her not choosing you as a MOH because you lived far away because you didn't include that in your original post. Now you see why people reacted the way we did?

It's the internet. We don't know you, you don't know us. My best advice for these boards is reread things before you post. Think about how it may sound to a bunch of strangers. If people come off as harsh try to look at the advice and see if you can see the other side of it. If not then move on. Not everyone is going to tell you things you want to hear. That can be a blessing as it can help you side step and faux pas or hurting of feelings (yours or your family and friends). Stick around the international boards, they are quite helpful even if you don't post much.

owengirl996 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_another-pregnant-bm-post?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:63631f81-3e02-439f-9aa6-9d4bb6a659dcPost:bb4c2ce8-1b2b-4067-8508-3fbfef82674d">Re: Another Pregnant BM Post!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Another Pregnant BM Post! : You've been around long enough to know that editing your OP after you've been quoted doesn't change anyone who has quoted you. Now please keep reading because I really do have constructive advice . So, for this recent post. I know you said you didn't want to kick her out but you've been getting advice from others saying to do so. That's why I bolded it in my first response. I was just confirming what you originally wanted to do. Maybe that wasn't clear from what I wrote. I also wrote that pregnancy wasn't a debilitating disease because you implied that she wouldn't be able to help because she's now pregnant. Now you see why I put that? And I still stand by the advice that she doesn't have to help. I planned my Florida wedding from California without a coordinator nor help from any of my wedding party. It's a bit stressful when you're not around to see everything but it's do-able. Most meetings with vendors was done via phone or email. As far as you saying everyone thinks you're a terrible person, I don't think that was what everyone was trying to say. When you write things like, "I wouldn't be quite so upset if she not TRIED to get pregnant." and "This isn't the first time she's been kind of selfish.", it makes you look bad. You said you know that no one should put their life on hold, but yet you still expected her to. Do you see why people took offense to what you wrote now? Look at it from others point of view. No, we don't know you or your relationship but you shouldn't expect us to wither. We only know what you're writing so you can't jump down our throat for what you wrote. Good luck with the rest of your planning.
Posted by jagore08[/QUOTE]

Yes, I understand what you're saying. And yes, I have been around which is why I refused to delete my post completely. I DID delete the selfish part even though it had been quoted because I wrote that out of emotion. What I meant with that is she did not make me her MOH only because I moved far away (and it hurt). That was hard for me at the time, but I think the actual MOH should have been the more insulted one. She didn't give the role to me because I couldn't help her as much (although in the end, I helped her more and she apologized for it, even though I never really brought it up.) I honestly haven't read or posted much beyond the forum for my wedding month, so I did not realize people were so blunt with some subjects (lesson learned!)

And I know I can plan my wedding, it's just more challenging. Plus, when I took this on, I had everyone backing me saying "we'll do whatever you need!" I'm not saying she can't help, but she's not going to feel like decorating or spending several hours helping me when she's either 9 months pregnant, or barely sleeping at night due to a newborn. Yes, she will still be able to help in some ways, but I also know my wedding will now be on the back burner for her (as it should be since she has a new life to focus on...) some of these things are just things I have to accept, but when I posted originally, I was still in shock and overly emotional as we had actually talked about this scenario, and I was under the impression she was going to try to avoid it-obviously I was mistaken. I'm just scared she is going to force herself to do something she's not up to. While things may be fine, she's also never had a baby and has no good idea of what she may feel like after giving birth. While I don't either, I have been told it can be pretty miserable depending on many factors. And yes, I already told her she can sit in a chair if needed, and just stand for pictures...or we will Photoshop her in (jokingly, but she laughed!)

I'm not a terrible person and my color scheme is obviously not more important than her, and I'm a little stunned people took it that way. This is what I meant when I say there are a lot of assumptions. If people just replied with "no, do not ask her to step down/kick her out, that is rude", I would have been accepting as opposed to what felt like personal attacks. I do have a back up plan that does not include replacing her, but rather the dress color by moving one person around. The person that could be moved does not mind-she's very accomodating and I'm SO lucky to have her.

I truely appreciate honest opinions. But there is a difference between sugar coating and being tactful.

owengirl996 · December 2011

Thanks for the responses. I will be more careful not to post out of emotion next time! And I'll include more detail if I'm going to say something that could sound bad out of context (such as calling her selfish with no way of backing that up).

I was honestly so laid back about the whole wedding planning thing until this came up. Pretty sure it's fueled by some jealousy as I'd love to be able to get pregnant right after we're married, but FI is not sure if he's on board with that or not. I've just spent a lot of my life feeling one step behind her (as well as my friends), and just as I felt like I was getting caught up, she takes another step. I know it's something I personally have to deal with, as it is nobody else's problem, this particular thing just sent me into a whirlwind...on top of being away from all of my family (including her, when she announced it) during the holidays.

Sorry for rambling, not trying to make excuses, just trying to explain where this all came from!

AdeleDazeem · December 2011

It's all good, owengirl. Stick around! :-)

ElisabethJoanne · December 2011

Is it your shared family saying you should ask her to step down? My family can be passive-aggressive like that. Someone agrees to do something, it becomes a huge burden, they regret agreeing, but are ashamed to back out, rumors circle...I can get that. If her own family is saying she needs an escape, I really think you should consider that. It'd be silly to have her not want to be a bridesmaid, and you not want her a bridesmaid, and she still be a bridesmaid, 'cause no one knew how to address the situation.

But how you give her an out is tricky. I'd say something close to what's already been recommended. "You're due right around the wedding! Amazing! It will sure be exciting times! Your 'job' around then will be so much bigger and more stressful than mine, so let me know your thoughts on how to maximize everyone's joy. And if that means your plans change an hour before the wedding, so be it."

The one thing about pregnancy and childbirth is that even the best of plans can fly completely out the window at the last minute. If her due date is within 2 weeks of the wedding, she'll need almost hour-by-hour flexibility.

Meghannsix · December 2011

At the end of the day, she's important to you, so leave the decision making up to her. Ask her what you can do to make sure she's as comfortable as possible. I think you may be surprised to find out what pregnant women can accomplish, I worked 12 hour night shifts at the hospital 10 days past my due date, I'm sure your wedding will be a much more pleasant experience! Happy planning and smile!

Another Pregnant BM Post!

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