Moms and Maids

FMIL- should we address this at all?

If you've looked on I&P you know a little about what is going on, but my parents and my FFIL/FStepMIL are helping host our wedding.  It has been very helpful.  My FMIL does not have the same financial stability the others have, and hasn't offered anything.  This is PERFECTLY fine by us.  We both understand and it doesn't in any way change my relationship with her.  I get along great with all my FILs.  

My question is, should it be addressed or brought up at all?  I don't want her to feel like she isn't contributing or involved because of money.  I don't want this to be a sore spot or cause any problems in our relationship with her.  She and FFIL went through a really bad divorce and DO NOT get along at all.  We are also a little worried about when they are put in the same room.  They wouldn't even be near each other when each of their children graduated college.  

So again, should my FI address this so she knows, or just leave it and hope it never comes up?

Re: FMIL- should we address this at all?

  • I would leave it. If she wants to help/contribute in any way she'll let you know. Maybe you can just keep her in the loop of decisions you two have made, things you're planning? That way if she decides she wants to be more involved she'll have a way to broach the topic.
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic Anniversary 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-should-we-address-this-at-all?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:b9be2601-d8f6-4e38-9aef-5adca5cee07ePost:1d9401d9-8444-4fc9-8ffd-c71becbc1a6a">FMIL- should we address this at all?</a>:
    [QUOTE]If you've looked on I&P you know a little about what is going on, but my parents and my FFIL/FStepMIL are helping host our wedding.  It has been very helpful.  My FMIL does not have the same financial stability the others have, and hasn't offered anything.  This is PERFECTLY fine by us.  We both understand and it doesn't in any way change my relationship with her.  I get along great with all my FILs.   My question is, should it be addressed or brought up at all?  I don't want her to feel like she isn't contributing or involved because of money.  I don't want this to be a sore spot or cause any problems in our relationship with her.  She and FFIL went through a really bad divorce and DO NOT get along at all.  We are also a little worried about when they are put in the same room.  They wouldn't even be near each other when each of their children graduated college.   So again, should my FI address this so she knows, or just leave it and hope it never comes up?
    Posted by hgminor[/QUOTE]

    Suppose we told you it should be addressed with her. How on earth would you even do that without making her feel like crap?
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-should-we-address-this-at-all?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b9be2601-d8f6-4e38-9aef-5adca5cee07ePost:1d9401d9-8444-4fc9-8ffd-c71becbc1a6a">FMIL- should we address this at all?</a>:
    [QUOTE]If you've looked on I&P you know a little about what is going on, but my parents and my FFIL/FStepMIL are helping host our wedding.  It has been very helpful.  My FMIL does not have the same financial stability the others have, and hasn't offered anything.  This is PERFECTLY fine by us.  We both understand and it doesn't in any way change my relationship with her.  I get along great with all my FILs.   My question is, should it be addressed or brought up at all?  I don't want her to feel like she isn't contributing or involved because of money.  I don't want this to be a sore spot or cause any problems in our relationship with her.  She and FFIL went through a really bad divorce and DO NOT get along at all.  We are also a little worried about when they are put in the same room.  They wouldn't even be near each other when each of their children graduated college.   So again, should my FI address this so she knows, or just leave it and hope it never comes up?
    Posted by hgminor[/QUOTE]

    I wouldn't address this with her. If she offers to pay for something, that would be up to you and your FI to accept the offer. However, nothing is official until you have the money in your hands.
  • edited March 2013
    You and Fi shouldn't tell any of the parents what the other parents are contributing. That's between you and Fi and each of them. 

    IF your FMIL wants to be included in the planning, think of ways she can help other than giving money. She may be want to help with the seating chart for her side of the family or assembling favors or you could bring her to vendor appointments that you're paying for so she isn't stepping on FFIL's toes. If she doesn't want to help, that's okay, she's not obligated. If you're using the traditional wording for the invitations, FMIL's name should be included. Hosting doesn't necessarily consist of making financial contributions. Be very thankful for any type of help you receive from anyone.

    Don't seat all the parents at the same table at the reception. Let each set of parents choose their table mates. 
                       
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-should-we-address-this-at-all?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:b9be2601-d8f6-4e38-9aef-5adca5cee07ePost:1d9401d9-8444-4fc9-8ffd-c71becbc1a6a">FMIL- should we address this at all?</a>:
    [QUOTE]If you've looked on I&P you know a little about what is going on, but my parents and my FFIL/FStepMIL are helping host our wedding.  It has been very helpful.  My FMIL does not have the same financial stability the others have, and hasn't offered anything.  This is PERFECTLY fine by us.  We both understand and it doesn't in any way change my relationship with her.  I get along great with all my FILs.   My question is, <strong>should it be addressed or brought up at all?</strong>  I don't want her to feel like she isn't contributing or involved because of money.  I don't want this to be a sore spot or cause any problems in our relationship with her.  She and FFIL went through a really bad divorce and DO NOT get along at all.  We are also a little worried about when they are put in the same room.  They wouldn't even be near each other when each of their children graduated college.   So again, should my FI address this so she knows, or just leave it and hope it never comes up?
    Posted by hgminor[/QUOTE]

    The money thing shouldn't be brought up at all, but based on the rest of that paragraph it seem like you might be looking for other ways to include her.  are your parents and/or FFIL being very vocal in the way they want the wedding?  If not then I think you're open to talk to her and see if she has any ideas or preferences.  You can just say "hey we're planning *this* part of the wedding and I wondered if you had any thoughts/opinions?"  If they are being really vocal and demanding I wouldn't mention it to FMIL b/c you don't want to end up having to turn down her request because the purse strings said different.

    Otherwise the only other thing I'd definitely be sure to run by her is the invitation wording.  Technically your parents and FFIL would be within their rights to request that they and only they are listed as hosts on the invitation and that could be a huge slap in the face to FMIL.  'Together with their families', no host (i.e. just start with "the honor of your presence is requested at....") or brides parents only (since it's most traditional / common) would be alternatives as long as the purse strings agree
  • Nooooooo don't bring it up. It's safer to question people about their preferred brand of lube than it is to start talking about them gifting you money, or lack thereof.
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

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  • Thanks! I didn't think I should talk about it, but I just wanted to make sure. It's just always a little awkward between the divorced FILs, and I'm so afraid of making a wrong move. Pretty much no one in my extended family has had a divorce, so I have no experience dealing with it. The last thing I want is for it to seem like I'm picking a side or am closer to one than the other.
  • In Response to Re:FMIL should we address this at all?:[QUOTE]Nooooooo don't bring it up. It's safer to question people about their preferred brand of lube than it is to start talking about them gifting you money, or lack thereof. Posted by Peledreamsofrain[/QUOTE]

    Well in that case... : j/k. I have zero interest in others lube choices unless its just that amazing!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-should-we-address-this-at-all?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b9be2601-d8f6-4e38-9aef-5adca5cee07ePost:dee5813d-27aa-4e85-b5c3-d127c70a9480">Re:FMIL should we address this at all?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:FMIL should we address this at all?: Well in that case... : j/k. I have zero interest in others lube choices unless its just that amazing!
    Posted by hgminor[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>haha, good policy<img style="font-size:11px;" src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" /></div>
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

    image

    Anniversary

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