Wedding Etiquette Forum

I need advice from those who didn't invite kids.

I'm fully aware that there will be people who will not come if we don't invite their kids, and I'm okay with it.

What I'm struggling with picking an age cut-off...did anyone do something like that? No kids under 12, or  10 or whatever? I'm trying to decide. My FI has some 14-17 year old cousins that he's close with and they look up to him...but that being said, even if we do say no kids 10 and under, there will be some families who will have some kids included and not others. Most of the 12+ kids we want there.

How did things turn out for those who did it?

Re: I need advice from those who didn't invite kids.

  • Any time you break up a family, it's going to cause problems.  If you're going to make an age cutoff, I'd go with 16+, however, that way they can come/leave on their own if needed.

    Since they are cousins, could you cut it off to only 1st cousins, or 1st cousins and children of the WP?  Something like that.
    imageWedding Countdown Ticker
    Follow Me on Pinterest
  • We went straight up 18+ with the exception of a few first cousins.  To me, 18 is when you become an adult so it was an easy cut off. 
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
  • strlzfan11strlzfan11 member
    First Anniversary First Comment Combo Breaker
    edited April 2012
    I think it's easier to make it so that you're inviting kids whom you're related to and not your friends' kids than it is to pick some arbitrary age and do a cutoff that way, possibly splitting some families up.

    JMO.
  • edited April 2012
    Well, they're not his first cousins...which is where it's getting harder for us. He's closer with his 2nd cousins and mom's cousin's kids than I am my own cousins. So while we want to invite his 2nd cousins' kids, we don't want to invite my cousin's kids...

    It gets tough. 16+ is a good idea actually. It will still split families, but I don't think I'm going to get around that...

    There's only 2 families I'm thinking of, and there's just going to be no easy way about it.

    ETA: we're realted to all the kids I'm talking about.

    The reason we don't want to invite kids is because 2 of my cousins each have 3 holy terrors for children. I don't want them there. Period. Granted, they're under 5 years old...and the rest of the kids are 9+ and there's only a handful. But I know my cousins will be offended if there are 9 year old 2nd cousins of the groom's there and their kids weren't invited at all.
  • We invited a total of 2 kids, I think.  We didn't really do an age cutoff, it just wouldn't have been fair to exclude those two when all of H's other cousins got invited.  I would advise not splitting up families, and not picking and choosing family members (this cousin but not that cousin, etc).  I would do a clear family cutoff, rather than an age cutoff.
    image
    AlternaTickers - Cool, free Web tickers
    "Halloween may have loose women scantily clad...
    But Christmas has a pregnant virgin.

    Way cooler." - anna.oskar
  • Do not split families...that is rude.  You either invite the whole familly (including kids) or just the parents.

    If you don't want to invite kids then don't.  Make the age cut-off 18+, this way you are only inviting adults to your wedding.

  • We had kids at our wedding.  There were certain kids on H's side of the family that I really didn't want there (his nephew's kids) because they are so ill behaved. But, we each had other family members that had well behaved kids that we had no problem including.

    In the end, the 2 hellions were actually pretty well behaved at the wedding and reception.  Moral of the story, kids can suprise you!

    Anniversary
  • We didn't have a cut off.  We chose not to invite any kids (anyone under 18, although realistically, I think the youngest person was 23?).  When you have a cut-off that splits up nuclear families, you are more prone to hurt feelings.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-need-advice-from-those-who-didnt-invite-kids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4c231559-c2e6-42b5-b87a-c4d968083451Post:6ae9c45c-a0dd-4680-82bb-cadeac6daf6f">Re: I need advice from those who didn't invite kids.</a>:
    [QUOTE]We invited a total of 2 kids, I think.  We didn't really do an age cutoff, it just wouldn't have been fair to exclude those two when all of H's other cousins got invited.  I would advise not splitting up families, and not picking and choosing family members (this cousin but not that cousin, etc).  I would do a clear family cutoff, rather than an age cutoff.
    Posted by adamar15[/QUOTE]

    I agree with this except I want to add that I think it's fine to do different family circles on different sides.  i.e. as long as you invite NO children of cousins on your side they'll all feel it's fair.  You can still invite children of cousins on the other side.  Honestly, who on your side is going to know that the 14 year old over there is a 2nd cousin rather than first?    Guest lists don't have to be exactly even in family circles, because your families are probably not even.  Like you said your FI is closer to his second cousins, and that's okay.  My family's a lot bigger than H's so I had to cut off at 1st cousins whereas he had 2nd cousins + their kids, because we're close to them.

    If I were you I'd start with a list with NO kids.  Then look at the ones you <strong>want</strong> to invite.  Will these split any families? if so you need to invite siblings or cut that kid that you did want.  Will there be hurt feelings of unfairness from someone who actually knows the kid and the relationship? these are the things you should evaluate. Your Aunt Sally isn't going to have a clue who anyone on your FIs guest list is - so don't worry about it.
  • There was a natural break for us at 15+. So any cousins over 15 were invited, anyone under 15 (I think the next one was 9) weren't invited. It definitely split familes (one of the 15 year olds has three brothers, aged 4, 2 and 2 weeks), but the parents understood that it was a no-kids wedding.

    Image and video hosting by TinyPic

    Daisypath Anniversary tickers

    "You are made of win." -SopChick
    Still here and still fabulous!

  • Youh have to invite the children in circles if you can't find a cut off age that will not spilt families. If you said that these aren't your FI's first cousin I believe so if you were to invite in circles I believe the etiquette is that you have to invite all the 2nd cousins or whatever the relation is kids. We first decided on 18 but then we decided on inviting kids up to first cousins so if the first cousin was a kid they were invited but we were not inviting the kids of first cousins.

    522805_10151186959893168_80368830_n_zps80e4c057
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • We only invited my nieces and nephews.  It was an easy cut for us.  If either of us had younger first cousins they would have been included also.  

    It standard in both our families that siblings, 1st cousins, nieces/nephews and children of the couple are invited.  So it was not an issue for us. 









    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-need-advice-from-those-who-didnt-invite-kids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4c231559-c2e6-42b5-b87a-c4d968083451Post:8da974bb-e2c1-41a1-868c-66a9af79e27e">Re: I need advice from those who didn't invite kids.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Well, they're not his first cousins...which is where it's getting harder for us. He's closer with his 2nd cousins and mom's cousin's kids than I am my own cousins. So while we want to invite his 2nd cousins' kids, we don't want to invite my cousin's kids... It gets tough. 16+ is a good idea actually. It will still split families, but I don't think I'm going to get around that... There's only 2 families I'm thinking of, and there's just going to be no easy way about it. ETA: we're realted to all the kids I'm talking about. The reason we don't want to invite kids is <strong>because 2 of my cousins each have 3 holy terrors for children. I don't want them there</strong>. Period. Granted, they're under 5 years old...and the rest of the kids are 9+ and there's only a handful. But I know my cousins will be offended if there are 9 year old 2nd cousins of the groom's there and their kids weren't invited at all.
    Posted by funandfreckles[/QUOTE]

    This was a big issue I dealt with as well.  I love my cousin and their 4 very well behaved boys.  His brother's children make Dennis the Menace look like an angel.    We opted for "kids of wedding party only"

    If you do the age thing, like PP have said, you'll split families.  It's a much easier cut if you make it clean.

    good luck
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • edited April 2012
    Obviously, it's much easier if you can make a clean break, as others have said. For us, that was 16, plus our flower girl and her sister.  The hellion kid on my H's side was not included within that age range, which worked well.

    We did have two surprise children at our wedding, though. We held our RD at the hotel where all of the OOT guests were staying and some of my H's family members arrived after our dinner.  When we went to greet them, we realized they brought along a four year old and a three month old. My SMIL put me on the spot and begged me to let the kids come, or else the adults would have to stay at the hotel to watch the kids. In the end, we allowed them to come since they traveled all the way out here, but they were well aware that we didn't invite children and brought them anyway.

    ETA: Because your situation involves spiltting up families, I might consider trying to hire an onsite caregiver, so you can put the kids in another room during the reception. Of course, you shouldn't feel obligated to do that, but it might be an option for you if you want to avoid hurt feelings.
  • Aside from the holy terror kids, the rest are old enough really to entertain themselves and probably wouldn't want to be at the wedding anyway.

    I think I'll stick with a 12+ cut off...and just explain to the families that that's what we're doing and I hope they understand why kid A is invited when kid B isn't.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-need-advice-from-those-who-didnt-invite-kids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4c231559-c2e6-42b5-b87a-c4d968083451Post:ddba6b10-d90d-4b8a-aed3-7545ccdeee6e">Re: I need advice from those who didn't invite kids.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Aside from the holy terror kids, the rest are old enough really to entertain themselves and probably wouldn't want to be at the wedding anyway. I think I'll stick with a 12+ cut off...and just explain to the families that that's what we're doing and <strong>I hope they understand why kid A is invited when kid B isn't.</strong>
    Posted by funandfreckles[/QUOTE]

    As a mom, I can absolutely 100% assure you they will NOT understand why you invite one child and not their other.    This is a rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreally bad idea.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I would understand if one kid made the age cutoff and the other didn't because I understand not wanting little kids running around at a formal event. I do remember being old enough for a wedding that my brothers were not old enough for and my parents didn't care, so maybe it is more how I was brought up, but there are people out there who will understand. Sometimes it really is unavoidable, I have a freind who was 18 when her younger brother was born, even having a wedding with only adults over 18 would split them up. 

    Alot of other people will be offended though, so you should be prepared for that. Just saying there are some of us out there who would respect your wishes without a fuss.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker 95image Invited 66image Ready to party 21image Declined
  • I set the limit at 13. If people dont like it, they can stay home. There are a handful of teenagers that we want there, and between my family and my fiance's family, roughly 20-30 kids younger than 13. Im even thinking of delegating the wedding coordinator as a "kid Nazi" to ensure that no kids show up unexpectedly at the ceremony. I absolutely will not have our wedding vows ruined by someone's crying/screaming toddler (and just fyi, there are a LOT of ill behaved kids in our families)! There are some instances in this whole wedding planning process where you have to put your foot down and say to hell with etiquette! You cant please everyone, and its your wedding day so do what you want!
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards