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first time maid of honor?s

youngheart1414youngheart1414
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in Moms and Maids
I'm maid of honor for my best friends wedding which is coming up in May. Between now and the time we board our flights for Florida for the wedding, I need to figure out and host a couple's shower/engagement party/introduce his friends to hers party and figure out and host a bachelorette party all without having been to any of these kinds of events before (only went to one family one pre-wedding luncheon for one cousin years ago and I was in no way responsible for it). The bridesmaids, well getting hold of them or getting help from them is pretty much nonexistant...as a matter of fact the bride told me yesterday that she wished me good luck getting hold of the one because she hadn't heard from her in a while, the other one isn't very reliable either but after trying to get hold of them for a couple of weeks, I finally got hold of her last night. The groom's mother wants to be involved and co-host with me or me and the bridesmaids (if they want to be involved). The photographer who is a matual friend of the bride and groom was more help to me last night when he said that he'd work on getting together a list of people that he knew that groom would want at the get together. So, can advice here on a) good ideas for this get together (should I try to do some kind of "shower" or just let it be more like a party?), b) suggestions about the bridesmaids and how I could get their input more because they had both said they wanted to be involved with planning this and the bachelorette party and we only have so many weekends between now and the wedding that the bride and groom have off?
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Re: first time maid of honor?s

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    GoodLuckBear14GoodLuckBear14 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_first-time-maid-of-honors?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:32e938ca-84ec-436a-b713-280aeaded8a8Post:21d9dfca-f0dc-4b2b-b35a-a417d4ab9e4a">Re: first time maid of honor?s</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to first time maid of honor?s : Nonesense!  You don't need to do any of this.  Your duties are to purchase and wear the dress the bride picks for you, stand next to her at the altar, hold her bouquet when she says her vows and exchanges rings, and to sign the marriage certificate.  That's all. Anything else you may do if you wish, but you have no obligation to do any of it. Not all brides get engagement parties, showers or bachelorette parties.  My daughter didn't, and she wasn't disappointed, either.  Those parties are a gift, not an entitlement!  She just wanted her long time friend to stand next to her as she was being married to her FI.
    Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

    All of this.  I am another one who did not have any pre-wedding parties and am still perfectly fine with this.
    Proud to be an old married hag!! image
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    youngheart1414youngheart1414
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    You haven't met my best friend...she is demanding these parties and expecting me to host...she has been demanding these parties from me since she found out that he was thinking about proposing.
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    AddieCakeAddieCake member
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    edited December 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_first-time-maid-of-honors?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:32e938ca-84ec-436a-b713-280aeaded8a8Post:ce5ced90-c320-4f42-981a-646bad66979d">Re: first time maid of honor?s</a>:
    [QUOTE]You haven't met my best friend...she is demanding these parties and expecting me to host...she has been demanding these parties from me since she found out that he was thinking about proposing.
    Posted by youngheart1414[/QUOTE]

    <div>She can demand all she likes. It doesn't mean you have to do them unless you WANT to. </div><div>
    </div><div>I had a bachelorette party, but no engagement party or shower. There is no reason a party needs to be set up so they can meet each others' friends. They should have already met each others' friends along the way, but if for whatever reason they didn't, it's nobody's responsibility to set that up. If they want that, they can just call their friends and invite them all over for a BBQ. It's not your job to set that up. </div>
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    GoodLuckBear14GoodLuckBear14 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_first-time-maid-of-honors?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:32e938ca-84ec-436a-b713-280aeaded8a8Post:ce5ced90-c320-4f42-981a-646bad66979d">Re: first time maid of honor?s</a>:
    [QUOTE]You haven't met my best friend...she is demanding these parties and expecting me to host...she has been demanding these parties from me since she found out that he was thinking about proposing.
    Posted by youngheart1414[/QUOTE]

    "Friend, I am sorry to have to be the one to tell you this, but anyone can host these pre-wedding parties for you if they volunteer to do so.  A lot of brides do not have any showers or b-parties.  I cannot do it.  If you add up the time off work that I would have to take, plane fares, (hotels?), car rentals, pre-wedding party costs on top of buying a dress (and OP - this is all that you are required to buy) flying down again for your wedding, we are talking about me spending anywhere from $5,000 - $7,000 on you.  I am not going to do this.  I'm probably not even going to be able to attend anything but your wedding."

    If she cannot understand this, then that is her problem.  If she tries to guilt trip you or replaces you as the MOH then she is a really crappy friend.  She needs to step away from the magazines and television shows and get a grip on reality.  Do not let her push you around on this.
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    MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Ditto PPs.

    Your friend has no right to demand that anyone throw parties for her. I don't know where your friend got the idea that the engagement ring on her finger gives her a right to your wallet.

    You should figure out what you are able and willing to do and let the bride know. If she doesn't like your offer, take it off the table. She can hope someone else will be willing to cater to her excessive demands.

    My daughter didn't have an engagement party, either. I don't know anyone who has.My mother paid for the shower; no one expected the bms to do that. The MOH organized wine trail bus trip for her BP.  Everybody who wanted to join paid their own way. I think the MOH paid for my daughter's ticket.

                       
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    saric83saric83 member
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    Ditto PP's that you do not have to host these events.  It's totally your call, and your friend is out of contol to expect anything like that.  Bleh.

    But if you WANT to host something, I would keep it very simple and co-host an engagement party with the groom's mother (since she offered) and just have it as an open-house style with appetizers and beer/wine (if you want to do alcohol) at an off-meal time, such as 8pm or something.

    As for the guest list of the event, discuss the budget with the groom's mom to determine how many people you guys can afford to host and how many you can fit in whatever location you decide upon.  And then if for example it's 60, just tell your friend and her FI to provide you with a list of that number of people to invite. 

    Just as you're not obligated to host anything, neither are the other BM's, so just email them leting them know that you and groom's mom are moving ahead with the party and if they want to help and/or co-host, to just let you know by whatever date.  Otherwise, just tell them you'll see them there if they attend.
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    zitiqueenzitiqueen member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_first-time-maid-of-honors?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:32e938ca-84ec-436a-b713-280aeaded8a8Post:ce5ced90-c320-4f42-981a-646bad66979d">Re: first time maid of honor?s</a>:
    [QUOTE]You haven't met my best friend...she is demanding these parties and expecting me to host...she has been demanding these parties from me since she found out that he was thinking about proposing.
    Posted by youngheart1414[/QUOTE]

    She can demand all she wants. You are allowed to say no. You know that, right? If you're just going to lie down and do your doormat impersonation while she walks all over you and treats you like slave labor, that is 100% your fault, not hers. You knew what you were signing up for when you agreed to be her MOH. Grow a spine or quit complaining.
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    OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    PP have given great advice.  You are not required to host anything.  I did not have an e-party.  My shower was held at my MIL's house, it helped keep the expenses down for all BMs.

    If the bride is demanding this stuff.  Send her to us here.  We will set her straight. 
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    youngheart1414youngheart1414
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    I'm sorry, but where was I complaining? The bridesmaids had asked to be included in the party and planning of them since we went and picked out our dressed back in July, but have now just disappeared (on both me and the bride). I came here looking for pointers because the groom's mother has told me that she'll help me as much as possible but she doesn't know how much that will be because she's fighting to keep her job right now, but only if we do a couples party. The photographer (who is friends with the couple) has offered me his assistance but he doesn't have any experience with the showers or planning the parties. I just wanted some suggestions because I have never done anything like this before. I have found a free location to host the shower but aside from baby showers, I know nothing about showers.
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    AddieCakeAddieCake member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    I have only been to a few showers, and they were all very simple. They were just like Retread suggested: hosted at someone's home with cake and punch, maybe some fruit and cheese/crackers. We played a game or two and watched the bride open gifts. Like I said before, I wouldn't bother with the engagement/get to know you thing. Not your problem. Bachelorette parties can also be simple: dinner out, go to a bar, etc. The only expense involved that way is paying for your own food/drinks and the bride's. Call the other bridesmaids and ask if they are interested in contributing. If not, do what you can afford and scrap the rest.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    Kate61487Kate61487 member
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    A shower is just a party.  There's nothing particularly special about it other than the fact that the title "shower" basically tells everyone they should bring a gift.  Regardless of whether you call it a shower or just a get-together it can be co-ed (or not) it can have silly games (or not) etc.  I assume if mom's going to co-host it won't be just their friends; it would also include family.  Regardless, make sure you get the bride and groom's input on the guest list (not just the photog friend's input) b/c only wedding guests should be invited to any/all of these.

    How many parties are you wanting to plan?  It sounds like you mention three above (shower, friend get together, b-party) but those can be combined or you can cut one or more altogether.  you could do a joint b-party and have that also be a friend get together and leave the shower to the MOG.  Once you decide how many / what type of party you want to throw take a realistic look at your budget.  This will probably help you decide what you want to do.  A shower / friend get together can be pricey (think fancy restaurant, private room, multiple courses) or can be really cheap (snacks, cake, and punch in someone's home at a non-meal time).  A b-party can be pricey (spa day at a resort) or cheap (going out for drinks locally, everyone pays their own way except the bride). 

    As for the bridesmaids - there's not much you can do.  Contact them in some way that you know they'll see it (i.e. a FB message does no good if she never checks her FB) and let them know "I'm planning XX event.  let me know by XX date if you want to co-host; otherwise I'll continue to plan".

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