Registry Etiquette

ajordan627 · October 2012

All,

I have a question about registry (and I guess invitation) etiquette. I've read that it is not a good idea to include registry information in your formal invitation (which I agree with), but what about bridal shower and engagement party invites? I'm not itching for gifts by any stretch (my fiance have been living together for 1.5 years now, so we really don't need/want much anyway), but I know people will be inclined to get us gifts regardless. We are having a destination wedding and only inviting about 65 people, but going to do a larger engagement party here locally. Is it bad form to not invite some of the people we're inviting to the engagement party to the wedding? We've been telling friends/extended family/co-workers who ask that we're having an intimate destination wedding with just immediate family and a few close friends, but we're going to have an engagement party here, and we'd love for them to attend. Is this ok? Also, should registry info be word-of-mouth only? We have a Facebook wedding page (it's private and only those who we are planning on inviting to the wedding are on it); should I post the information on there? My fiance is a very private person, and (for whatever reason) doesn't want me to make an "open" wedding website on TK or otherwise.

Thanks as always!
A

peterandlauraforever · October 2012

You shouldn't invite anyone to any pre wedding event that isn't invited to the wedding. So, no to the larger engagement party idea. The registry information is OK to include in a shower invite because the point of a shower is to shower the bride with gifts. It's acceptable to post registry information on the facebook page but be careful which it sounds like you are about keeping the wedding talk private.

ajordan627 · October 2012

Ok, I have a new question: I'm not disagreeing with y'all on this (because I honestly don't know), but what's the difference between inviting those not invited to the wedding to an engagement party v. an after-wedding party/reception. I'm more or less just curious as to why one is ok and one is not, as I hear of a lot of couples doing a destination wedding with close family/friends and then having a big "reception" when they return. Isn't it the same idea, just timed a little differently?

Thanks!

rajahmd · October 2012

First of all, a wedding with 65 guests isn't exactly an intimate wedding, so I'm not really sure why you're having a larger engagement party. It's essentially saying to those other people that they're good enough to be invited to a party to celebrate you getting engaged, but not good enough to be one of your closest 65 to be invited to actually watch you get married. Second, an engagement party celebrates the impending nuptials, so it would make sense that people invited to the party be invited to the actual wedding. With AHR, it's more of a celebration of the marriage, because the wedding has already taken place. Also, most people on here will tell posters to invite everyone to the DW and AHR, unless the DW is truly intimate, with immediate famliy only.

I hope that makes sense. Other posters might have a better way of putting it.

arendiva · October 2012

If someone attends a prewedding event there is an expectation that they be invited to the main event. This isn't the case with after the fact receptions (though those should still only happen when the wedding was small, private and limited to close family). People attending after the fact receptions obviously know that they weren't invited to the wedding and often don't buy gifts.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_registry-etiquette-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:186483d5-ee3a-44bf-93af-56a4bb0cee99Post:4c89d901-1aaa-4deb-b7ec-51926f5eff5d">Re: Registry Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok, I have a new question: I'm not disagreeing with y'all on this (because I honestly don't know), but what's the difference between inviting those not invited to the wedding to an engagement party v. an after-wedding party/reception. I'm more or less just curious as to why one is ok and one is not, as <strong>I hear of a lot of couples doing a destination wedding with close family/friends and then having a big "reception" when they return.</strong> Isn't it the same idea, just timed a little differently? Thanks!
Posted by ajordan627[/QUOTE]

That's really not okay, either. It's one thing to elope or have a REALLY small destination wedding and then have a big party in your hometown afterward, but those are not wedding receptions and shouldn't have people in white poufy dresses and first dances and the like. They're more like just parties to meet and greet the new couple and have a little free food and drink.

With an engagement party, the whole point is that it's a precursor to the main event, which they should be invited to. BUT if you are having 65 people (which is about the size of my wedding), that's certainly enough for an engagement party!

ajordan627 · October 2012

In response,

The 65 people consists of our immediate family, a few close (like 6 on each side) friends, and their spouses/SI's, and the officiant and spouse. So it's actually about 60 not counting the officiant and ourselves. We live in the same town where I grew up and my parents live, but his side of the family (and friends) mostly live 3-4 hours from where we're getting married (S. Florida). My mom owns a real estate company and knows a lot of people in our area, so she wants to invite a lot of her business associates and people who work for her, from her church, etc. Plus there are a few work people I'd also like to invite and family that won't (or can't) make the trip down to the Keys for our wedding. I was thinking the engagement party would be like a party to meet and greet and have free food and drink. My whole thinking with the engagement party is not to say "hey you're not good enough to be invited to the wedding," but more "hey, I know it would be a strain on your time/financial resources/etc to make it to the wedding, but I'd love for you to attend a little party and have some fun." I have no expectation of gifts from anyone; the start of the thread I just didn't know if I should/should not add the registry to the engagement invites; I see now that is a no-no!

Cortney1982 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_registry-etiquette-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:186483d5-ee3a-44bf-93af-56a4bb0cee99Post:4376442b-45a1-4ce5-a929-decc1aec614a">Re: Registry Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]In response, The 65 people consists of our immediate family, a few close (like 6 on each side) friends, and their spouses/SI's, and the officiant and spouse. So it's actually about 60 not counting the officiant and ourselves. We live in the same town where I grew up and my parents live, but his side of the family (and friends) mostly live 3-4 hours from where we're getting married (S. Florida). My mom owns a real estate company and knows a lot of people in our area, so she wants to invite a lot of her business associates and people who work for her, from her church, etc. Plus there are a few work people I'd also like to invite and family that won't (or can't) make the trip down to the Keys for our wedding. I was thinking the engagement party would be like a party to meet and greet and have free food and drink. My whole thinking with the engagement party is not to say "hey you're not good enough to be invited to the wedding," but more "hey,<strong> I know it would be a strain on your time/financial resources/etc to make it to the wedding</strong>, but I'd love for you to attend a little party and have some fun." I have no expectation of gifts from anyone; the start of the thread I just didn't know if I should/should not add the registry to the engagement invites; I see now that is a no-no! :)
Posted by ajordan627[/QUOTE]

It's not up to you to decide if somebody cannot afford the trip. Send invitations to EVERYBODY you invite to the engagement party. They aren't forced to go to the wedding if they can't afford it or even want to go. Most people who aren't close to you will probably decline. But this way, at least your in line with etiquette.

Cortney1982 · October 2012

On topic of your original question. No I would not put registry info on an engagement party invite. Yes you can put them on shower invites. The whole point of a shower is to give gifts. Make your registry if you haven't already so if somebody asks about it, you can let them know.

Viczaesar · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_registry-etiquette-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:186483d5-ee3a-44bf-93af-56a4bb0cee99Post:4376442b-45a1-4ce5-a929-decc1aec614a">Re: Registry Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]In response, The 65 people consists of our immediate family, a few close (like 6 on each side) friends, and their spouses/SI's, and the officiant and spouse. So it's actually about 60 not counting the officiant and ourselves. We live in the same town where I grew up and my parents live, but his side of the family (and friends) mostly live 3-4 hours from where we're getting married (S. Florida). My mom owns a real estate company and knows a lot of people in our area, so she wants to invite a lot of her business associates and people who work for her, from her church, etc. Plus there are a few work people I'd also like to invite and family that won't (or can't) make the trip down to the Keys for our wedding. I was thinking the engagement party would be like a party to meet and greet and have free food and drink. My whole thinking with the engagement party is not to say "hey you're not good enough to be invited to the wedding," but more "hey, I know it would be a strain on your time/financial resources/etc to make it to the wedding, but I'd love for you to attend a little party and have some fun." I have no expectation of gifts from anyone; the start of the thread I just didn't know if I should/should not add the registry to the engagement invites; I see now that is a no-no! :)
Posted by ajordan627[/QUOTE]

It's still not appropriate to invite people to an engagement party if you're not inviting them to the wedding.

allychase · October 2012

In Response to Re:Registry Etiquette:[QUOTE]In response,The 65 people consists of our immediate family, a few close like 6 on each side friends, and their spouses/SI's, and the officiant and spouse.nbsp; So it's actually about 60 not counting the officiant and ourselves.nbsp; We live in the same town where I grew up and my parents live, but his side of the family and friends mostly live 34 hours from where we're getting married S. Florida.nbsp; My mom owns a real estate company and knows a lot of people in our area, so she wants to invite a lot of her business associates and people who work for her, from her church, etc.nbsp; Plus there are a few work people I'd also like to invite and family that won't or can't make the trip down to the Keys for our wedding.nbsp; I was thinking the engagement party would be like a party to meet and greet and have free food and drink.nbsp; My whole thinking with the engagement party is not to say "hey you're not good enough to be invited to the wedding," but more "hey, I know it would be a strain on your time/financial resources/etc to make it to the wedding, but I'd love for you to attend a little party and have some fun."nbsp; I have no expectation of gifts from anyone; the start of the thread I just didn't know if I should/should not add the registry to the engagement invites; I see now that is a nono! : Posted by ajordan627[/QUOTE]

So if you're having 6 friends on each side plus SO, that's 24 friends total. You, FI, and officiant makes 27. You have 38 people in your immediate family? Also, why are you assuming these people you're inviting to the E party, which you shouldn't be throwing yourself anyway, idk if you are or not, can't afford to come to your wedding? Extend the invite to the wedding and be prepared to host them if they can come, whether or not you intend to insult them, you probably will. I would be so so so offended if I was invited to an E party and not the actual wedding. Whether or not you consider it a gift giving event, more than likely people will pay to get you something, whether it be wine, a gift card or a little something for the house.

allychase · October 2012

Also, what exactly is on this Facebook wedding page? What do these 65 people need to know other than receiving an STD and wedding invitation?

hoffse · October 2012

OP, invite the people you are inviting to the engagement party to your wedding. Wedding invitations aren't summons, and people can decline if they don't want to attend.

Don't put registry info on a facebook page, wedding invitation, or engagement party invitation. If somebody hosts a shower for you, then it is up to the hostess whether she wants to put registry info on your shower invitation.

Tell your FI that even if he wants to be private, all it takes is a google search of your names together and all your registry info will pop up. Most major chain stores sell that info to places like weddingchannel, theknot, etc. So unless you are registered exclusively at small local shops, odds are your info will pop up (and some local shops put it on google as well - that happens down here a lot).

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