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Clash with his brother; should he be a groomsman

bravegrace22bravegrace22 member
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in Wedding Party
I don't get along with my fiance's brother AT ALL. He is a long list of things (I don't want to offend anyone), and my fiance isn't all that close with him. I'm worried that he might want to include him in the wedding anyways just because he's family. Also, I'd love to have my brother and sister, who we are both much closer with,be a groomsman and bridesmaid, but is it fair to have just my siblings? (We are not having a big wedding party; maybe 2 bridesmaids & 2groomsmen and our maid of honor and best man.)
thanks for any feedback!
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Re: Clash with his brother; should he be a groomsman

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    emilykathleen511emilykathleen511
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_clash-his-brother-should-groomsman?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:5eec3a18-b762-4565-87cd-484b1382af25Post:9ec4e2cf-54e3-4651-97ff-548a2348d5e8">Clash with his brother; should he be a groomsman</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't get along with my fiance's brother AT ALL. He is a long list of things (I don't want to offend anyone), and my fiance isn't all that close with him. I'm worried that he might want to include him in the wedding anyways just because he's family. Also, I'd love to have my brother and sister, who we are both much closer with,be a groomsman and bridesmaid, but is it fair to have just my siblings? (We are not having a big wedding party; maybe 2 bridesmaids & 2groomsmen and our maid of honor and best man.) thanks for any feedback!
    Posted by bravegrace22[/QUOTE]

    <div>You get to choose your side, your FI gets to choose his. If you want your brother, ask him to stand up for you on your side and be a bridesman. Also you and your FI do not need to have the same number of attendants. Your attendants should be those you can't imagine not having by your side, not slot fillers for a pre-determined number to fill.</div>
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    CTGirl30CTGirl30
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    Stay out of this one - unless there is a really good reason the guy shouldn't be involved (like StageManager noted) then you can't tell your FI who to ask.


    If you would like to have your brother & sister included in the WP you may certainly ask them both to stand on your side. There is no rule that men must stand on the groom's side or women must stand on the bride's side. They stand on the side where it makes the most sense in terms of who they are closest with. That means if your FI had a sister or a very good female friend that he wanted in the WP, she could certainly stand on his side.

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    MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
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    Ditto PPs.  You would be out of line to tell your FI who he should and should not have on his side.  If he wants his brother, that's his decision.  If you want your brother, ask him to stand on your side.
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    bravegrace22bravegrace22 member
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    His brother has been abusive to both of us..just verbally with me and used to fight my fiance all the time when they were growing up. We all had a huge blow out (again just verbal) just before moving out of his parents house a little while back. But his family his very much about forgetting what someone has done just for the sake that they're family...may not even have to worry about his involvement, but wanted to see if it would be fine to have both my siblings and none of his.
    thanks for all the advice
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    emilykathleen511emilykathleen511
    First Comment First Anniversary
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_clash-his-brother-should-groomsman?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:5eec3a18-b762-4565-87cd-484b1382af25Post:1777fb7f-fd57-46d3-ad2e-6f866a54bd3a">Re: Clash with his brother; should he be a groomsman</a>:
    [QUOTE]His brother has been abusive to both of us..just verbally with me and used to fight my fiance all the time when they were growing up. We all had a huge blow out (again just verbal) just before moving out of his parents house a little while back. But his family his very much about forgetting what someone has done just for the sake that they're family...may not even have to worry about his involvement, but wanted to see if it would be fine to have both my siblings and none of his. thanks for all the advice
    Posted by bravegrace22[/QUOTE]

    <div>I think you should leave it up to your fiance. It's his brother.</div>
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    mbcdefgmbcdefg member
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    may not even have to worry about his involvement, but wanted to see if it would be fine to have both my siblings and none of his.

    If that's his choice, then that's what you can do. Personally, I don't think it'll be a GOOD choice, but you gotta do what you gotta do. Nobody is owed a spot in your wedding party, even family members.

    Even if you are 100% correct about the brother being abusive toward you and your FI, it doesn't seem like his family would back you and FI up on that claim, based on what you've said. I would be afraid that they would hold it over the two of your heads (especially yours, as the "newcomer" to the family) for years to come.

    His only job would be to get the tux/suit and stand up in the wedding, so personally I don't think it's worth excluding him just to prove a point. Also, I'm wondering how old you all are ... if you/he are in your teens or early 20s, this might all blow over once everyone's had the chance to grow up a bit more. And I can understand what your in-laws mean about forgiving family members ... I have an uncle not coming to my wedding because of a stupid, meaningless family thing that happened 20 years ago, and I know my mom is hurt by it. Not letting the brother wear a tux and stand in the wedding ceremony for up to an hour is, IMO, not worth the hassle it'd cause with your in-laws.

    But, if your FI would want to include him but you said not to ... no, that is not at all acceptable. It's especially not right to say, "Well, I want my siblings in it, but your brother cannot be in it." I can understand if you don't care for him, but you probably won't have a chance to say two words to him all day. If he had hit you or something, I could support you wanting to ban him from the wedding, but if it's just been verbal arguments then I would really think twice before excluding him.
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    spinner84spinner84
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    Let him choose but I say yes, include him. My parents still regret not asking my dad's sister (who disapproved of their relationship) to be in the wedding party, even though its' 35 years later.
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    lalap69lalap69 member
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    It's up to your FI whether to include his brother or not.  Ultimately, it would probably be worth it just to avoid family drama, but really that is his call to make, not yours.

    If you want to have your siblings in the WP, ask them to stand up for you - on your side.  I think this should especially be so if your FI chooses not to ask his brother.  It would appear to be a very public slight for him to have YOUR brother up their as a GM when he didn't ask his own.
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    banana468banana468 member
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    Your FI gets to pick his side.

    BUT if you have issues with his brother, I hope that he's defending you. 
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