older woman - 2nd wedding some emotional help needed - maybe just venting...

Re: older woman - 2nd wedding some emotional help needed - maybe just venting...

• right1thistime member

  

  December 2012 edited December 2012

  Cali - welcome.  Your post has so many facets, I am not sure I can address all of them, nor am I sure you want me to.  Sometimes just getting it off your chest is what feels the best.  Anyway...
  I understand the desire to move the relationship forward.  DH and I didn't live together before we got married, but we were a married couple in almost every sense of the word, except we weren't married.  It drove me crazy.  It took him 5 years to propose, and I was pretty darn close to an ultimatum as well.  Knowing him as I do, when he proposed, I told him "yes...but..."  the BUT was that if we didn't set a date within 2 years, the yes answer expired.  We were married 21 months later.  And it truly is a difference in our relationship.  It means something to ME to be his WIFE, not his girlfirend (I HATED that term).  I don't buy the whole "it doesn't matter" thing or the "it's just a piece of paper" excuse. 
  
  Both of you were married before.  So you understand that there were happy years with those previous spouses.  A divorce doesn't erase those joyful memories.  I would lay off the wedding ring issue.  Maybe it reminds him of some happy memories with his ex-wife, memories that he still treasures.  Asking him to be rid of good memories is not reasonable.  He will certainly make many joyful memories with you as well.  It is not a mutually exclusive proposition; he can remmber the good times in marriage number one without it negatively impacting your marriage.  Don't be jealous, green is not a good color on most of us. 
  
  You keep referring to getting married as "fully loving" you.  I find that disturbing.  Maybe that's YOUR measure, but its not a necessity.  Somehow you have equated the commitment of marriage with committing to YOU.  It's not that I don't understand that you feel like he is keeping something you want from him away from you.  But rather that you are demanding it, rather than letting it become.  I don't think its that uncommon in women who were married for a long time, who are our age.  But I think it bears some introspection.  Did you go through counseling after your divorce?  I found it really helpful to allow me to understand me, independent of my relationships with men.  If you didn't I suggest it now.  If you did, maybe this issue would be a good one to cycle back to your therapist with. 
  
  Finally, I  am not sure you have kids but he does.   You cannot compare how he loves his children with how he loves you.  Those two things are so incredibly different, there can be no side by side look at them.  How he spends his money on his daughter's wedding is his business.  And it says nothing about your relationship with him.  
  
  Bottom line-- if you don't think he is giving you what you need/ want, why are you still with him?  Why not look at the rest of the ocean?  ~Donna 

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• handfast4me member

  

  December 2012

  Cali,  I am so glad you're here.  I felt exactly the way you do.  My then boyfriend (I hate that term, I was in my mid-forties when we started dating, he's 9 years younger, and had never been married) and I were dating for about two years.  He had mentioned marriage once, but hadn't in about a year and a half. I think he just didn't feel a rush, and didn't really understand the way I felt.  Finally, it came to a head one evening, and I basically told him that if he never wanted to get married, that was one thing, and I could probably hang out for another year or so.  But if he wanted to get married, but it just wasn't to me, then we needed to both move on right now.  Dang,that put it in perspective for him, and he suggested we have a ceremony within the next couple of months.  I kept thinking about another couple I knew,and they had lived together for 10 years.  They introduced one another as "my friend."  When she finally had had just about enough, she got her own place, and moved on.  He married someone else within the next 6 months. 
  
  The thing is this:  Would you rather be alone, and be able to do whatever you want, and be free to meet someone else, who could possibly add to your happiness, or stay with this gentleman, who apparently is having some commitment problems, and who, from your post above, seems to be distracting from your happiness?  These are the things you'll have to weigh. 
  
  I hope you find happiness no matter what the final outcome is; let us know how it's going. 

  Don't mess with the old dogs; age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

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• SCD1126

  

  December 2012

  I hope you find buckets of happiness, and never settle for less than you deserve.

  

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• Lisa50 member

  

  December 2012

  Venting is good.  This is a good place to do it.  Welcome aboard.
  
  I agree with Donna, there is a lot in your post and, honestly, too much for me to fully digest.  There are three things that hit me square in the face.  First, what seems to be your resentment of the travel time to and from his family's home ... if you want to be a part of his life, then time with his family is part of the package.  Second, the two of you don't seem to be on the same page as far as getting married.  Don't push it.  Finally, your resentment of money he's giving to his daughter for her wedding.  Get over it.  You definitely don't want to be that person.  What he's giving to her has absolutely nothing to do with what he might want to spend for your wedding.
  
  What would your world be like if you just took a break from daydreaming about getting married to this guy?  How would it feel to wake up tomorrow with no plans for marriage?  I'm not trying to be Debbie Downer but it feels like you're about to pop.  Maybe you just need to give yourself a break.

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• MikesAngie member

  

  December 2012

  This is a great place to vent and also to gain perspective.  

  
  

  I will share a little of my history with you.  When I ready your post you could have been discribing my previous marriage.  My ex-H is 17 years my senior and his first wife had passed away after battling brain cancer.  They had been together since they were 15 (36 years total), and lost a child to the same disease before their younger two were born.  He pushed and shoved to be married to me I wanted to wait - he clung to me like a life raft.  I know this doesn't sound like your story yet. 

  
  

  He never loved me, I was a possession, a toy and a trophy.  His family dispised me, his childern barely tolerated me and I was expected to host and play nice with people who couldn't stand to be in the same room as me.  Why because I was younger (and I looked much younger than his daughter who was 5 years younger) han him, and thought to have been a gold-digger.  I wasn't, the man was so in debt that he couldn't see daylight and I with my financial savy brought him to a solvent state with a savings account. 

  
  

  Yes I married him, but it wasn't my idea.  Matter of fact we had broken up a month before the wedding was to have occurred.  While I was apartment hunting/job hunting - he made all the wedding arrangements.  Then he called me and told me what we were doing... I was reeling we had just broken up after being together for 5 months.  I said no, this isn't right... fast forwad... we got married. 

  
  

  I spent 9.5 years in this relationship it had it's great moments but he never loved me.  He loved things about me, but he didn't know me.  He tried to isolate me from my family, his family, friends and everyone.  He would get jealous if I spent time with his daughters, or my cousins or a girlfriend.  He tried to belittle and control me.  He met the woman he left me for just before his 61st birthday and invited her to play golf with him and his friends while I worked and had the balls to introduce me to her. He also blamed me for the marriage failing and there is a lot more to it. 

  
  

  You have been with this man for five years and it sounds to me like you are a place holder and someone to be his companion.  If it's not comfortable being with his family and they don't make an effort to be kind to you. Don't force marriage into the equation, get your lives straightened out first... Love yourself enough to ask for and receive the love you want.  DO NOT SETTLE just becuase you have a history together. 

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• ilianashible

  

  December 2012

  Welcome dear! If you need to vent you are at the right place. This forum is filled with ladies who have had their share of pain and grief and we are extremely supportive of each other. 

  
  

  Unfortunately, we live in a culture that teaches us that at a certain age, you find a man, and if that man "loves you enough", a proposal will follow suit and you will live happily forever. We all dream of the day we walk down the aisle...just to find that despite getting married, some core issues in the relationship did not change despite having that ceremony. 

  
  

  I have a feeling that what you need is reasurance and validation more than a wedding. Explain to him that his actions make you feel unimportant. He may react in two ways: either he will be shocked at the pain he has inadvertedly caused you (and tries to do damage control) or ignores your feelings. In either way, you have your answer and that is all you need to figure out what the next step should be.

  
  

  A wedding should be a joyous celebration of the commitment of two people. In many cases, it becomes a production and a way to impress others. If a wedding is rushed or forced, the marriage is then almost "dead on arrival" (a term I read in a book but can't remember which one). You do not want to rush things. I know a couple people who married under pressure and neither is happy with their desicion. I know it is hard (I have been also in a similar position as yours) but venting, reading books about relationships (specially those involving marriage after a divorce) and a lot of support will make you see things clearly. It certainly did for me. 

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• Sue-n-Kevin member

  

  December 2012

  Yes, you are in the right place to vent. The ladies on this board are very wise.
  
  I agree with the "hot spots" in your post that have been mentioned by the prior posters. Whether you truly feel this miserable, or were having a bad day, none of us know.
  
  At some point we reach an age where we look at our relationships with a different view. I was 56 when I married my husband last year, first marriage for me, his 3rd. We'd been together about 2 years, dating, seeing each other pretty much only the weekends because we lived about 30 miles apart, had jobs and both of us had kids at home. Out of the blue (in a drunken stupor), he asked me to marry him. I waited my WHOLE life for someone to ask, and that was not the way I ever envisioned it. It was not the "popping the question" moment that we all have fantasized about. In the morning I asked if he meant it, he said yes. That was where our discussion about the future started. It took us another 2 years to get to the "wedding/marriage", which we both planned with love and care so it said something about our family, friends, and us.
  
  To be honest, as I read your post I saw myself back in my 20's, dating guys who would not commit. Society teaches us that everything should be moving forward, toward a natural next step. I thought that way all throughout my life as I dated different men, some long term, some short term relationships, with 2 "unplanned for: children along the way, always supporting myself and them. But if ANY of those men had asked me to marry them, I'd have had to think really hard about it, because they were not the right person.
  
  Throughout your post you talk about his feelings for you, his family's feelings about you, how badly you want a wedding/marriage..........but not once do I hear you say how much you love him, want to be with him, and are willing to stay with him simply because you cannot live without him. Maybe that's the message in a "vent post", all about the other person. But had my husband never asked, I think I would have been perfectly happy simply living together, maybe a bit more than the weekends, LOL, but I doubt I would have felt any different about our relationship or my love for him. There were a great many "legal reasons" to want to marry him: he's a veteran, I and my youngest daughter are on his Tricare health plan (Great, by the way), and  each of us will have legal rights we did not share before. That's the difference, pure and simple. It's a contract. I never looked at it as a solidification of our feelings about each other. Maybe I'm naive thinking that a piece of paper on file in the county clerk's office says something more about us than the way we make each other feel. 
  
  My son is 25 and recently called me about some issues he was having with his galpal who he moved in with 4 months ago. She's messy, he's neat........typical nitpicky stuff you find out when you move in together in your 20's. My motherly advice to him was that relationships are journeys, not destinations. They are messy, hard, and require an awful lot of compromise and communication. Everything he was saying to me, he could say to her with kindness and love. It takes great communication skills to maintain a healthy relationship, whether with a partner, parents, or kids. I learn this every day.
  
  Good luck to you. Please keep us posted on your journey.

  Wedding Website and Bio

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• mmmendi

  

  December 2012

  I'm exhausted, so forgive for anything I overlooked! I think two things struck me most. First - men often do not react with the emotional enthusiasm we would wish! I understand that, even from my usually not-so-emotional viewpoint. H is certainly the emotional reactor in our relationship! Unless your FI is unusually emotion-driven, do not weigh your perception of his response so heavily. You are very worked up! Your peace rests far too much on someone outside yourself. You have the man. It reads as though you have the commitment, and are living it. You demanded the ring -you got it. You demanded the date - you got it! Perhaps the hesitation is yours? Enjoy the gift you have If it is the holiday schedule running amuck with your head - so be it! Otherwise, perhaps it s time to examine the true root of your doubt, and choose to address it or let it go - but ultimately lay the doubt to rest.

  ~~Mendi~~ ...Everyone has their price; mine's chocolate

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