Parenting question

GJones27 · July 2012

So, I read this article in the New York TImes this morning about purity balls (http://www.nytimes.com/2012/07/21/us/purity-balls-local-tradition-or-national-trend.html?_r=1), and it got me thinking. Without wishing to spark another heated conversation on this board, how should one raise kids -- both girls and boys -- to encourage them to wait until marriage?

For some reason, I don't like the idea of purity balls or rings. It seems way too targeted at women, when I believe men should be waiting, too. Also, it seems way too public, and I just have this gut feeling that it will backfire. However, I really do want to raise both my girls and boys, if I have any, to be godly in their interactions. However, I don't want to push them too hard and make them rebel, and I don't want them to feel like I would judge them in case they fail.

The best idea I have is to have honest conversations with them and establish a foundation by raising them in the church. I also wonder about how much I should chaperone them. My mom was very strict with me (e.g. no friends over without a chaperone), and it really frustrated me growing up because I believed in waiting until marriage. I thus want to be more relaxed with my kids. However, I know that our society doesn't encourage boundary setting, and I always fear some guy may take advantage of a girl.

Other thoughts?

AshNoel8 · July 2012

That is such a tough question! I often express concerns to my H about making sure that our kids make the right choices when they enter their preteen and teen years. He always just says we raise them with values and model those values (modeling is very important). I'm curious to see others' responses because I can use tips on this topic.

azdancer8 · July 2012

I don't know if I have a good answer either. I do think that it is possible to over-chaperone though - which may lead to rebellion. I believe if you talk to your kids about marriage and how sacred it is, and demonstrate by example, then they will be more likely to follow that path. They need to know that you (and God) have expectations, but that you also trust them to make their own decisions.

FWIW, DH wore a purity ring from when he was a teenager until we were married. I don't think it is a "necessary" step, but I do think it can be a good reminder that your body is God's until He joins you in marriage to your spouse.

LeahVB2011 · July 2012

I wore a purity ring but honestly, the ring was a just a reminder about my promise to remain pure and not the promise itself. I think kids need to understand what the promise stands for and really what it means instead of just being told what to do. My parents took time to explain to me why waiting was so important and it made a difference for me. Having said that, I do also think that it's a personal decision that very parent has to make and it varies from child to child.

RebeccaJac · July 2012

We plan to be open with our kids about the decisions we made. I waited, H didn't. I have no regrets, he has some. We know our kids will ultimately make their own decisions and be responsible for whatever outcomes result, but we're hoping transperancy and honesty will not only answer questions they have, but also create a forgiving, loving environment if they do make decisions we don't agree with.

I work with teenagers and always try to turn the discussion from "how much can we get away with" to something more along the lines of loving your future spouse, loving and respecting your body, and loving God. I agree, too, that modeling is important. We want to show our kids sex is an awesome thing when used the right way. Too often kids see their parents in bad marriages and think "why wait for that?!" Definately something to feel out when the time comes tho!

fpaemp2011 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_parenting-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:5e18f281-a15a-4e79-a5d8-1095ab2d37f2Post:b92df409-f074-453f-aa9a-3729ba61cb17">Re: Parenting question</a>:
[QUOTE]I wore a purity ring but honestly, the ring was a just a reminder about my promise to remain pure and not the promise itself. I think kids need to understand what the promise stands for and really what it means instead of just being told what to do. My parents took time to explain to me why waiting was so important and it made a difference for me. Having said that, I do also think that it's a personal decision that very parent has to make and it varies from child to child.
Posted by LeahVB2011[/QUOTE]
I also wore a ring (received on my 13th birthday) and agree with this. I had made a True Love Waits pledge a few months before and told my parents I wanted a ring. We'll probably get rings for our girls. Not sure what we'll do for our boys, but it will be something. <div>
</div><div>Most of you know that DH and I didn't even kiss until our wedding day.<div>While we won't tell our kids they can't or shouldn't kiss before their weddings, we know how beneficial it was for us, and will encourage them to consider the same.</div></div>

GJones27 · July 2012

Those are all interesting perspectives, and I'm glad to hear them. It's also interesting to hear about the rings... it is not done in Orthodox/Catholic culture or San Francisco, so it's a very foreign concept to me. But it's good to hear about what it meant to you all.

ravenray · July 2012

I too had over protective parents and my mother told me sex was gross. I still waited but because I wanted to.
I think there is a fine line to walk between too much and too little protection. I do plan on being open with my kids about sex. My mother always portrayed it in such a bad light. I also had very little sexual education. At 14th I thought I could get pregnant from being alone with a boy for 2 hours. I want them to see sex is a good thing inside of a marriage but I always want to show them love and support if they choose not to follow in our footsteps.
I also think a lot of it has to do with your core foundations that are built as a child and if they are built right it can help the child in making life choices, but ultimately it's up to the kid.
I have never been too fond of the purity ring for myself; for me having a ring isn't going to help me keep my promise if I really don't want too. I wouldn't buy my children one, I guess for me that is why we have confession, to keep you accountable.

GunzNRoses213 · July 2012

RavenRay our mothers must have been seperated at birth .. I heard similar .. I wont get into why I didnt wait originally ..That's a whole other story ...BUT after my last relathionship before I met my FI i got myself a ring that says Faith ... and I wore it on my left hand rind finger and it was kinda a purity ring but more of a "I have faith that God will bring me the right man "

And he did ... and now i wear it on my middle finger next to my engagement ring ....

We will be honest with my child and our kids later ... It will be harder or easier to explaine to him later ...

joe&cassie · July 2012

I always heard you should wait til marriage but if you don't at least wait for someone you won't regret if your relationship ends. I followed the second option and I don't regret it because we are getting married. I don't know that we have really talked about it but I know that FI regrets not waiting. So we will encourage our children to wait but like PP post said there is a fine line that separates chaperoning. I personally credit my waiting to my lack of time more than anything. I was in Marching Band, had a job, went to church/youth/bible study and was in the advanced placement courses in school. I never had time in high school to even think about having sex. I was completely oblivious to parties and such. I will encourage my children to be involved in those things as well but ultimately it's their choice. If we provide a strong foundation then hopefully they will make the right decision.

mrandmrsbrist · July 2012

This is an interesting thread.

I had a purity ring. It didn't do much for me so I'm hesistant to give one to our girls. I also don't want to talk my kids about sex the same way my parents talked to me and my sister. They tried to make us fearful of sex, STDs and getting pregnant...which ended up causing boundary issues between H and I when I realized intimacy wasn't something to be scared of.

That being said...I don't know how we'll approach this with our children.

agape1cor813 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_parenting-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:5e18f281-a15a-4e79-a5d8-1095ab2d37f2Post:9a9a92af-1440-4cca-a072-425f54984122">Re: Parenting question</a>:
[QUOTE]I personally credit my waiting to my lack of time more than anything.
Posted by joe&cassie[/QUOTE]<div>This sounds almost exactly like me.</div><div>
<div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;color:#1f1f1f;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;text-align:left;line-height:normal;">I didn't have a purity ring, and my parents actually didn't talk about sex much. We were raised going to church, and sex wasn't talked about a whole lot on that context either. Most of what I learned in my early teens about "sexual purity" came from my own reading of the Bible and other Christian resources.<div>
</div><div>I think the biggest thing that helped me was my parents' rule that we weren't allowed to date until we were 16. I imagine now that shielded me from a lot of the bad stuff that kids deal with around that age. (I remember being in seventh grade and hearing girls my age talking about various sex acts in the bathroom of the middle school ... I was totally oblivious to what they were.)</div></div></div>

jenningz · July 2012

I think, a lot of christians these days are over-shielded. They can't cope in the real world becuase they were so sheltered as children. IMO, and I know others may disagree, the best thing you can do, is live by what Jesus said and be in the world but not of the world - I was allowed to date, go out and all sorts and I turned out okay. Some parents take it way too far, and there kids don't have a life. Jesus didn't live in a bubble, he lived in the world, but shone a light and showed the world he was different.

Oh, and in terms of purity. I just made the decision entirely on my own at about 13. I didn't wear a ring till I was a bit older, but I made a decision at a young age to wait until marriage. It wasn't forced on me, just encouraged.

catwine · July 2012

my fiance and I were raised to have different views of sex, so I'm not sure how we will enstill out current beliefs in our kids.He was told you should wait until you;re in love and I was told to wait until marriage. I also grew up thinking that our bodies are something to be ashamed of, which caused me a great deal of pain and frustration as a teenager and still as an adult (super unhealthy body image, lack of self confidence, wondering how on earth my fiance is attracted to me).
I'm hoping to teach our kids that sex is wonderful and great but made by God for married people to enjoy with each other. And hopefully leading by example will work!!

ps-Jenningz: well put:)

ochemjenn · July 2012

The whole concept makes me...squeemish. It's one thing if a girl or boy WANTS a ring to symbolize his or her desire to wait until marriage, but I think it's another for parents to pressure them into one of these rituals. I generally dislike how much emphasis is placed by Christians on sexuality. It is one thing to believe that pre-marital sex is a sin, but why does it get so much more attention than other sins? We have 10 fingers - why do we all not wear a ring to symbolize a desire to not break each of the 10 Commandments?

Based on the NYT article, these purity balls are focused on the girls. I especially dislike how females are supposed to take the responsibility of remaining pure for their future husbands. Or worse, a female's virginity is something for her father to protect from her own desires. Society should be teaching girls and boys to love and respect their bodies and sexuality rather than making sex into this evil thing that suddenly becomes good after marriage occurs. I'm not saying we should tell teens to just go out and do whatever they want, but making viriginity into something that must be protected by a father treats females as dependent potential victims rather than independent decision makers about their own bodies.

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