Second Weddings

Ready for 2nd Wedding or not? 31M to a 26F

So Im 31, have a 26 year old GF who is a very nice girl, good personality for the most part, a big nagging at times but cool to hang out, travel, and live with and my family seems to like her and she's cool with my friends/ lifestyle.  She lives in my house i own, and I've basically got my life together....

Ive been married for a year and then dicorced 4 years ago, she has never been married.

The problem is we've been dating for almost 3 years now, and last year I told her i was 'considering going the next step' (marriage) and now a year later, still can't 'S__t or get off the pot.'  There's nothing entirely wrong with her, and i DO Love her... But I've only been with 4 girls and im 31, all long term relationships... pretty much one after the other.  When I didnt have a GF, i wasnt very happy....

I want kids in the NEAR future, and she'd be a great Mom.  She's a little bit overweight, worries a bit too much, and I wish she had a few more close friends of her own... But other than that she's a great catch.  It seems stupid to throw everything we have away because 'Maybe the Grass is Greener'.... But if Im typing this up, it obviously means Im still not 'all in' after 3 years.  

Anybody else going through something similar to this, or have any sage wisdom?  Thanks Guys.

Re: Ready for 2nd Wedding or not? 31M to a 26F

  • I'm probably not all that great at giving advice, but if there's any doubt in your mind then I wouldn't force it. If you think the grass might be greener elsewhere then you're not being fair to either of you to force yourself to ask her to marry you. Just because you've been dating her for 3 years isn't a good reason. I have dated guys before who were great, but they just weren't right for me. I have found the right one now and let me tell you that the grass is not greener. No one else will do and he was completely worth the wait.
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  • Take it from the grandma in the group (I'm 52).  31 and 26 is young.  Very young.  You have plenty of time.  The brain is still growing until 25, so if you've been dating since you were 28 and she was 23. . . 

    I'm not sure what you want from us; permission to break it off or permission to jump into a potentially bad (or good!) marriage.   But I'm with the PP, if you're at all unsure, you've got time.  In my experience, most men know if they're going to marry a woman within the first 30 days after they meet. (there's even a book about that!)  They may not do anything about it for years, but if you're unsure, again, you should wait. 

    In the meantime, have you figured out what went wrong the first time around?  It might be a good exercise so you don't repeat those same mistakes. 
    image Don't mess with the old dogs; age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
  • Okay - you came here looking for a perspective that isn't what a guy friend would tell you, I get that.  Here's the deal from a woman's perspective - if she isn't a priority in your life but an option you are not being fair to her or yourself. 

    If she is there because you don't like to be alone that isn't right or fair.  There is nothing wrong with being alone and setting your own priorities. 

    She needs to be a priority, not just good enough for now.  If she isn't a priority in your life she will know and eventually you will drift apart. 

    My ex said he loved me - but he didn't, he loved the idea of me - he loved not being alone - but he didn't love me and it was obvious before we ended our lives together. 
  • You sound very mixed about this girl. You have things you love, and thing you think are almost pathetic (to my ears via the internet). We can't tell you if you want to marry her! You have to figure that out, but you know that marriage is hard. Going in when you aren't COMLETELY committed makes it nearly impossible, in my opinion.

    FWIW my fiance knew he wanted to marry me within 2 weeks. The morning after we first slept together he brought up whether I'd ever be willing to get married again (I'm divorced, he's not). It took me about 1.5 years to be ready to talk seriously but he knew almost instantly. 

  • Thank you very much for your advice guys.  That's kind of what I was thinking - If im not ready now - what would change in the next 3-12 months to make things any better?  Putting it off would only make it harder to find a future mate IMO...   But the problem is I really do love her, and I know she'd make a great wife/mom.... I just wish I could tweak a couple things about her. 

    The fact that I'm so critical isnt fair to her, and the fact that Im having doubts at all makes me think i should wait... which I WANTED to do in my 1st marriage, but the manipulative X convinced me everything would be fine (she wanted a wedding, not a marriage.)   FYI we broke up quickly after because she really didnt want kids tho she said she did originally. 

    I can see myself marrying this girl, and honestly being happy.... But Ill always have that 'what if' scenario creeping in my head, which sucks. 
  • I agree with PP that you have time.  BUT...why "wait"?  Are you going to feel differently in a year, two, or ten?  From my experience, the little things that annoy you about someone either disappear from your view or become insurmountable mountains of unhappiness.  If they are still annoying you at this point, I'm thinking they aren't going to disappear any time soon.  Her nagging will get naggier, she'll gain weight after babies, and she'll get more in tune to her family rather than making outside friends.  Certainly she will someday lose the baby weight, and as her children get older get more externally focused, but I wonder if you are willing to wait through all that? 

    You sound to me like you are trying to make her Miss Good Enough.  "She'll be a great wife & mother" is a very different statement than, "I can't imagine my life without her, and I want to watch her grow old with our children around us."  

    You point out that you haven't dated much, and I am going to bet that you are not the type to date casually, you focus on committed relationships.  So, frankly, if you break up with this young woman, I'm going to guess that rather than going on 39 first dates (like someone we know **cough**handfast**cough), you will end up in another serious relationship- and in the same dang boat.  My DH has a female friend, who the gang joking describes as "unable to date anyone she isn't engaged to".  Lucky for her, she doesn't actually marry any of her fiances!  

    In my own broken record way, I am going to echo an earlier post, and suggest you get some counseling to figure out what you want from a partner, what your hangups (we all have them) are, and how to tackle the challenges that they bring to our relationships.  ~Donna
  • Thanks for that Donna. Heh. Yeah, I went on over 30 first dates. Here's the thing. I knew what were MUST HAVES in my next relationship. And when I figured out that the guy didnt meet those criteria on the first date they were history. One of the must haves was sanity. Very hard to find in men these days.:
    image Don't mess with the old dogs; age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
  • Really agree with PP's and right1thistime really hit the nail on the head.  Personally, I have 3 words DON'T DO IT.  You still have plenty of years to sow your wild oats, so enjoy them....I'm sure you will find "the one" in the process and probably know within minutes that she is "the one".
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  • Lisa50Lisa50 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited September 2012
    I'll write something most may not and, I'm sure, many don't agree with.  I think 31 is young (perhaps too young) for a man to get married.  There.  I said it. 

    And, if you feel you're in a position of "sh*t or get off the pot," that tells me something's not quite right, that you're feeling some sort of pressure.  I believe that, when you meet the right one, you will have no doubts and feel no pressure.  That nagging in your stomach is telling you it is time to move on.

    I wish you the very best!
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