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RaptorSLH · November 2011

Yes. Change your expectations. No one else will be as excited about your wedding as you will. If I demanded an audience for the arrival of my dress, none of my WP would come either. Nor does your FMIL have to do anything for your wedding. Hire a wedding planner if you need one; your FI is the only one you get to draft for that duty if they don't volunteer.

As for the destination wedding - you don't get to decide what someone else can afford. Nor do you get to decide how someone else spends her money. When you choose an exotic destination wedding, you are making a choice to accept that a lot of guests may not be able to attend. They may not be able to get the time off of work, or they may not have the money, or they may have both, but chose to prioritize something else - a major appliance, car repairs, a vacation of their own...

A couple gets one day for their wedding. That's it. One day that revolves around them. When you plan a destination wedding like that, you're demanding a heck of a lot more than that. There's a sizable proportion of people that find destination weddings rude and entitled, for exactly that reason. You can plan the wedding that you can afford, and that makes you and your FI happy. But when you plan a destination wedding, a reduced guest list and a "difficult time" are part of the package. Choose accordingly.

StephBeanWed61502 · November 2011

I agree with the PP - you need to change your expectations of these people. Would it be great if they were 100% supportive and jumped up and down in excitement because your dress arrived? Yes. Is that a realistic expectation for them? Nope. Honestly, my bridesmaids mostly live out-of-state, and I can guarantee you they will not see my dress (except in pictures) before the wedding day, because I would never expect them to spend their time, money, and possibly vacation time just to see me stand on a pedestal in a store in a pretty dress for a few minutes.

I think sometimes as brides, we run the risk of having these fantasy images of how things "should" be in our minds, and we don't think about how we can realistically expect the people in our lives to behave. I doubt this is the first time your FMIL has been a little difficult or uninterested, and to expect her to be anyone other than who she is, is unfair. FMIL and her family haven't disrespected you - they just didn't want to spend their precious and limited time and money watching you twirl in a dress.

Also, as PP said, it really isn't your place to judge what people can and can't afford - you never know what people's financial situations are from the outside. My parents (for example) put up a really good front of having "enough" money (so good, in fact, that my brother didn't realize how badly off they really are until I talked to him about it), but they're actually in a really precarious position financially, and a trip to an expensive place like Hawaii would ruin them. Try to have a little sympathy for the people invited to your wedding - you are asking a lot of them, and acting like what you are asking is no big deal will only alienate them.

zitiqueen · November 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_grooms-family-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:0de3ac1a-9574-4d27-9303-d8235271162ePost:e1868551-be8a-49f1-bd58-9e1c2bf49611">Grooms family problems</a>:
[QUOTE]To start off ever since we told my fiances mother we were getting married in Hawaii she has given us a very difficult time, even though she can easily afford to go. I have not asked her to do anything involving the wedding until this weekend, and a week before she backed out and made other plans. My custom dress had finally come in and I really wanted her and all my bridesmaids there for this special day. I told everyone 3 weeks ahead of time, and they all said yes. Today only 1 of my bridesmaids actually showed up. My future mother in law made other plans for that day to go out of town and told me "<strong>things dont always work out" and " I need to learn how to work for things</strong>". Then her daughter also backed out last minute because she couldnt afford it. When she asked my future mother in law for $$ to go she refused, but then I found out she gave her money for something else. His family has hurt and disrespected me so much at this point I dont know what to do. Any suggestions??
Posted by wildcats0109[/QUOTE]

I think your MIL might have a point if you expected your bridesmaids to attend a dress-unveiling party. What are you, a Kardashian?

Oh, and how your MIL (or anybody else, for that matter) chooses to spend their money is exactly none of your business.

Maggie0829 · November 2011

Ditto PP. Change your expectations. I know you are excited for your dress and destination wedding but that doesn't mean your bridal party or FMIL has to be jumping for joy over it as well.

As for the money aspect...you shouldn't assume what people can and cannot afford as well as what they should spend their money on. You chose to have a destination wedding so you need to expect that people won't come because they may not want to spend money on a trip like that.

Muffin'sMom · November 2011

Plans change, people don't show, people get mean. It happens in real life, which is what is going on while you are planning your wedding. It may be that she is just mean. If so, you lose if you let her opinion have the power to "ruin" your experience. Or, you could be someone who is overly impressed with the "custom" of it all and it is offending other people. Only you know the answer, and either way, nothing much is going to change.

Let it go...

MairePoppy · November 2011

The arrival of your custom wedding dress is not really a special occasion to anyone else, but you. You can't make a big deal out of every single thing to do with your wedding. Your bms and FMIL were not obligated to attend this 'event.'

Do not concern yourself with how other people spend their money. If someone says they can't afford to attend your destination wedding, they do not have to defend their other choices to you.

You will be a lot happier if you lower your expectations.

renegade gaucho · November 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_grooms-family-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:0de3ac1a-9574-4d27-9303-d8235271162ePost:e1868551-be8a-49f1-bd58-9e1c2bf49611">Grooms family problems</a>:
[QUOTE] Then her daughter also backed out last minute because she couldnt afford it. When she asked my future mother in law for $$ to go she refused, but then I found out she gave her money for something else.
Posted by wildcats0109[/QUOTE]

What expenses were involved in her seeing your dress? Were you expecting her to travel a significant distance for this?

Unless there is more to the story, I don't see anything worth getting really hurt over here. As others have said, you've made your choices, which you have every right to do, but you can't expect other people to just go along with them, especially when they cost a lot of money.

zitiqueen · November 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_grooms-family-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:0de3ac1a-9574-4d27-9303-d8235271162ePost:d5fa23c5-1e88-462b-b5e7-9e74bb8f05c8">Re: Grooms family problems</a>:
[QUOTE]I think the OP meant that her FSIL couldn't afford to go to Hawaii for the wedding, not the "dress viewing". (Who does this?) Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

Somebody whose daddy still calls her "Princess" is my guess.

graysquirrel · November 2011

When people opt for a destination wedding, they have to realize that they are making a choice between guests and location. Not everyone will be able or willing to take vacation time and money to go on vacation to see you get married. Your wedding is the most important day of your life for you, but it must be realized that other people have financial and work obligations that are not going to mesh with what the bridal couple wants.

As for the dress party, this is not a hill to die on and it really shouldn't be an issue. Is it fun to get into your dress and have everyone squeee over it? Yes. But should a friend or relative be considered "bad" because she couldn't come? Absolutely not. Just because someone is in your WP doesn't mean that they are obligated to go to all things wedding related. Enjoy your time with those who are interested in coming and leave those be who are not.

slpankuch · November 2011

I have the same issue. My FI family is uninterested in anything to do with the wedding. Therefore I stopped caring. I don't tell them anything unless they ask.
I include my family for dress unveiling and only my side of the family.

I understand you want to have them there for that sort of thing but to them it's not as important. Just have fun with your side of the family regarding planning/dress, etc. As long as they are supportive of the wedding day and your fiance's details that he might need help with from them then just leave it at that.

kmmssg · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_grooms-family-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:0de3ac1a-9574-4d27-9303-d8235271162ePost:058077b1-9330-4f4d-8a82-23ebd435fc9a">Re: Grooms family problems</a>:
[QUOTE]I think that before you comment in such a rude manner you need to fully understand. The $$ issue had nothing to do with the actual wedding, and just pitching in for gas money, maybe $10 tops. How would you feel if someone wrote on a post about you like that? I believe you treat others the way you want to be treated, and nobody on here did that. And as far as how other people spend their money, to some degree yes it is my business. She has never done anything for her son, she has always put herself first even when it came to his college. I truly believe for once in her life she needs to make an effort to put her family first, and I'm sorry if you do not understand that.
Posted by wildcats0109[/QUOTE]

OK, first, if people had to come up with gas money to see your big custom dress unveiling, there is something really wrong with that.

Second, I'm sorry but it is NOT YOUR business in any way, shape, or form how your MIL spends her money. You may not feel that she has supported your FI in the way YOU think is appropriate, but her money is her business and absolutely none of yours.

You are looking for things to be disrespectful to you. You have a couple of choices here. 1. Realize your MIL is not going to be your friend and there isn't going to be anything warm and fuzzy about the relationship. If you do that, and lower your expectations appropriately, what she does shouldn't bother you.
2. You can continue to look for things to be wrong and disrespectful and end up miserable. Your choice.

People frequently do not warm up to the idea of a DW and how much it costs THEM to attend. Some people are good with it and some are not. It is something you choose to deal with when you choose to have a DW.

No one was horrid to you in this thread, just bluntly honest. Your BM's may have felt you were flaunting your "custom" dress. In all my days and all my DDs I have never heard of a dress unveiling as you had planned. Step back and put things back in perspective. No one will ever be as excited about your wedding as you and FI. It is that way for every couple.

Viczaesar · January 2012

So you choose to shoot the messenger rather than actually rethink your POV? Because you couldn't possibly be wrong about this, and everyone decided to gang up on you and disagree with you for funsies? It's all one big conspiracy of people trying to be mean to you? Yeah, sure, if that helps you sleep at night...

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