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FMIL vent!!

radcmrradcmr
First Comment
in Moms and Maids
So, we're having a destination wedding and recently sent out the invitations.  I received an e-mail this morning from my FMIL asking if the ceremony start time of 3:00 pm is wrong on the invites and if I meant 8:00 pm instead. She said the time of our wedding is inconvenient for our guests becuse they will have to break from having the fun of beaching, boating, etc and she asked us to change the time of the wedding to early evening. Yes, it's true that the guests will be on vacation and will have to take a break from their activities the day of the wedding but they wouldn't be there in the first place if it weren't for our wedding. I am completely shocked that she would ask us to change the time of the wedding.
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Re: FMIL vent!!

  • sprtychick10sprtychick10
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Is she paying for any part of the wedding?

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  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011

    Ditto PP - is she paying?

    Also, what did your FI say?  And why is this a sudden surprise to her?

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  • SaraAndrew2010SaraAndrew2010 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You really didn't mention the time of the wedding to FMIL before you sent out invitations?  I don't think you should change it now, but it seems like the type of detail that should have been mentioned to the major players in the wedding before invitations were sent.  It sounds like FMIL is just surprised that the wedding is at a different time than she was expecting.  Give her some time and she will probably warm up to your decision.
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  • waltzingmatilda13waltzingmatilda13 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I don't see a problem with it and I don't understand why she should be upset. It's not like anyone will be on a set schedule and have to rearrange their day, they will be on vacation. And you're right, they wouldn't be there if it weren't for your wedding anyways, they have to expect that at some point on one day they will be attending your wedding.
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  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-vent-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:320296d9-af04-4932-a7c4-528acd8b6ea7Post:fc70f53b-1e80-4da9-bb0b-8c1323933e25">FMIL vent!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]So, we're having a destination wedding and recently sent out the invitations.  I received an e-mail this morning from my FMIL asking if the ceremony start time of 3:00 pm is wrong on the invites and if I meant 8:00 pm instead. She said the time of our wedding is inconvenient for our guests becuse they will have to break from having the fun of beaching, boating, etc and she asked us to change the time of the wedding to early evening. Yes, it's true that the guests will be on vacation and will have to take a break from their activities the day of the wedding but they wouldn't be there in the first place if it weren't for our wedding. I am completely shocked that she would ask us to change the time of the wedding.
    Posted by radcmr[/QUOTE]
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  • vixeyvixey member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I think the fact that your guests traveled to the destination for your wedding, means that they probably won't have a problem taking a break from beach activities to actually attend your wedding.
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  • Kristin789Kristin789 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    >>I received an e-mail this morning from my FMIL

    Here's what I would suggest that you do:
    click REPLY, and put your parents' e-mail address in the CC box.
    Then write:

    Dear Mrs. Jones, 
    My parents are hosting the wedding and setting the details of the wedding.  I have sent them a copy of your original e-mail message (below) so they can respond to you directly.
    Janice
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  • SaraAndrew2010SaraAndrew2010 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Kristin, as usual your advice is not helpful.  You don't know anything about who is hosting the wedding based on the OP.  Even if the bride's parents are hosting on their own, it still would have been polite to keep FMIL in the loop.
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  • Cynthia1207Cynthia1207 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I don't see the problem.  And why is it rude not to tell each set of parents at what time the ceremony will be beforehand?  They aren't getting married, you are. You are right, people are on that vacation for one purpose and that is to attend your wedding therefore even if the wedding was at 6AM, people shouldn't have a problem with it. 
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  • Kristin789Kristin789 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    >>Kristin, as usual your advice is not helpful. 

    I'm suggesting that the bride re-direct the question and the question-asker to the person who would have more information about the issue.  That IS helpful.

    >>You don't know anything about who is hosting the wedding based on the OP.

    Well, most couples who are having a non-traditional wedding SAY THAT in their posts.  This post did not mention that the bride's parents are deceased - leaving FMIL as the only parent of the couple, and this post did not mention that the bride's parents and family are unsupportive and therefore uninvolved.

    >>Even if the bride's parents are hosting on their own, it still would have been polite to keep FMIL in the loop.

    Why? 

    If I'm going to FMIIL's for Tgiving, and she says she would like to have us arrive by noon and she's serving at 6:30 p.m., I'm not going to say, "Hey, you didn't ask me first about the time - move it back," and I'm not going to say, "Hey, I don't want to sit around your house for SIX AND A HALF HOURS before we eat."  That would have been IMPOLITE. 

    My mother was hosting our wedding, and could not do a Saturday night ceremony and blowout dinner/dance reception.  So our wedding was at 11:30 followed by lunch.  FI told me that his family had never heard of a wedding before nighttime.  But FMIL didn't e-mail me and tell me to change the time.  She just made sure her family knew of this "unusual" time and made sure they arrived 20 minutes ahead of time - which was a rush for her other son who has a diva wife and three kids under the age of 8.  No matter how "unusual" or "weird" or "wrong" they thought it was, they kept their mouths shut about it, and appeared to be appreciative and grateful.
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  • tenofcups4metenofcups4me member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    It does seem kind of odd to me that your FMIL didn't know the timing of the wedding already. But that's really besides the point. Regardless of what she thinks about the timing, that's the time you set and the invitations are already out! Of course you're not going to change the time now.
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  • radcmrradcmr
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    For those who asked if FMIL is contributing any kind of expense: No, she is not helping out with anything. FI and I and my parents are splitting the bill. My FI was raised by his dad and step mom. This FMIL I'm referring to, who asked us to change the time of the wedding wasn't in her son's life while he was growing up. As far as we're concered she just another guest. That's why I freaked out when I read her e-mail.
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  • AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Ditto to Retread's advice. Tell her "sorry" and move onto something else, since she isn't paying then she has no leverage to dictate how you should do things. 
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  • jemmini6jemmini6 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    1.  She isn't paying, she doesn't get a say.  On anything.  Sure it's nice to keep her informed of what's going on, but if she doesn't like something, that's not your problem.

    2.  It's a destination wedding, not a vacation where eventually someone is getting married.  Your guests know that they are there for your wedding and are smart enough to plan their activites for that day accordingly.  They are likely going to be there longer than one day anyways, so if they want to do an all-day thing, it can be on a day that isn't your wedding day.

    Your FMIL is being ridiculous.  I'd say something along the lines of "I appreciate your concern for our guests, but I'm sure theywill be kind enough to plan their activites around our wedding no matter what time we have it at.  Especially being that they will have travelled all this way for that exact purpose."  But then again I'm feeling a little snarky today :)
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  • tenofcups4metenofcups4me member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I don't get this focus on who's paying in this instance. The invitations already went out. Even if FMIL was paying 100%, the time is already set.
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  • ManwaithielManwaithiel member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-vent-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:320296d9-af04-4932-a7c4-528acd8b6ea7Post:9eced342-b624-4e5f-aa3c-1579eec1efac">Re: FMIL vent!!</a>:
    [QUOTE] />>Kristin, as usual your advice is not helpful.   I'm suggesting that the bride re-direct the question and the question-asker to the person who would have more information about the issue.  That IS helpful. >>You don't know anything about who is hosting the wedding based on the OP. Well, most couples who are having a non-traditional wedding SAY THAT in their posts.  This post did not mention that the bride's parents are deceased - leaving FMIL as the only parent of the couple, and this post did not mention that the bride's parents and family are unsupportive and therefore uninvolved. >>Even if the bride's parents are hosting on their own, it still would have been polite to keep FMIL in the loop. Why?  If I'm going to FMIIL's for Tgiving, and she says she would like to have us arrive by noon and she's serving at 6:30 p.m., I'm not going to say, "Hey, you didn't ask me first about the time - move it back," and I'm not going to say, "Hey, I don't want to sit around your house for SIX AND A HALF HOURS before we eat."  That would have been IMPOLITE.  My mother was hosting our wedding, and could not do a Saturday night ceremony and blowout dinner/dance reception.  So our wedding was at 11:30 followed by lunch.  FI told me that his family had never heard of a wedding before nighttime.  But FMIL didn't e-mail me and tell me to change the time.  She just made sure her family knew of this "unusual" time and made sure they arrived 20 minutes ahead of time - which was a rush for her other son who has a diva wife and three kids under the age of 8.  No matter how "unusual" or "weird" or "wrong" they thought it was, they kept their mouths shut about it, and appeared to be appreciative and grateful.
    Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

    Why do you base every damn piece of advice you give on about 10 billion assumptions?

    It would have been polite to mention the time to the immediate families of the bride and groom. It's not like someone is asking the couple to ask every guest for their permission to hold the ceremony at a certain time.
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  • kellya01kellya01
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Once the invitations are printed and mailed out... it's kind of uncouth to change the time unless there are circumstances beyond your control.  Just because it is the FMIL's preference shouldn't waver your decision.  Yes, in hindsight, it probably would have been best to have both families on the same page as far as the time of your event, but what has been done cannot be changed.  Just reply like the other PP's on here have said -- apologize for the inconvenience, but state that all the arrangements have been made and the wedding plans are set.  You believe that your guests will understand and will make time to attend and celebrate your wedding (etc).  Keep it cordial and unwavering, and I think the FMIL will understand. 
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  • Muffin'sMomMuffin'sMom
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-vent-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:320296d9-af04-4932-a7c4-528acd8b6ea7Post:55733abc-15ed-40eb-9e24-7aeebb1a9776">Re: FMIL vent!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]"Oh, I'm sorry that's inconvenient for you, FMIL, but the invitations have gone out, and the plans are set. Have you tried this dip? It's wonderful."
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

    This!
    My baby girl is a married woman...and now my baby girl HAS a baby girl. Time unfolds in such an amazing way. I've been blessed!
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  • orangecrush32orangecrush32 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Honestly, I'd just say, "My bad. If you will be unable to attend our wedding due to any activity you deem more important we will understand."

    Bu seriously..time is in place. End of story.
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  • mkruparmkrupar member
    5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    Sounds to me like FMIL doesn't want to interrupt her beaching and sun tanning to attend the wedding at 3:00pm. The whole point of putting a time on the invitation is so people can plan their day accordingly. I wouldn't look at the time and think "How dare they take away from the middle of my day to see them get married!" I would think, "Ok, so if they're getting married at three I have this much time to do this, this, and this." That's what adults do, they plan their time accordingly.

    Ignore FMIL, I wouldn't even respond, except maybe to tell her thanks for the input, but the time will remain the same.
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  • tlbattagliatlbattaglia member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-vent-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:320296d9-af04-4932-a7c4-528acd8b6ea7Post:55733abc-15ed-40eb-9e24-7aeebb1a9776">Re: FMIL vent!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]"Oh, I'm sorry that's inconvenient for you, FMIL, but the invitations have gone out, and the plans are set. Have you tried this dip? It's wonderful."
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

    I love this.
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  • ladycherryblossomladycherryblossom member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Wow, that's really suprising! I am very curious why your FMIL didn't know the time already too.

    That aside though, I'd imagine there's more on the plate than just the invitations being set out, things like arrangements with reception location and caterers and so on and so forth!

    It's important though that you make the FMIL feel like her concern is valid, even if she's not paying. Because she's a part of your family! I'm not sure why everyone is so concerned with the paying issue. If you want to start things off on a bad foot then... but of course you don't. So be as diplomatic as possible. Something like "I'm sorry we hadn't discussed the time before, but since we've already booked everything it would be too difficult to change time now. I hope this does not conflict with something urgent for you. I think the other guests will be fine with time since the whole rest of the day will be partying at our wedding! So it's not a lose situation for them!"
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  • midgemotomidgemoto
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Be careful... Just something along the lines of " I can understand your point... but the invitations and events are already in place and the wedding will be a lot of fun too. "

    More inportant than anything is you will be interacting with this lady for the rest of your life.... do not set yourself up for trouble... be very tactful... these impressions will last a lifetime ....

    Have fun!!!! 
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  • filawfilaw member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm somewhat surprised that everyone was surprised that she didn't know already.  If the FMIL wasn't involved in the planning, then I see nothing strange about the fact that the exact time hadn't been discussed with her.  I don't think my MIL and SIL knew details about timing until they received their invites.
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