honoring loved ones that have passed??

Ceciliaaw · July 2012

I'm trying to figure out a way to honor our loved ones that have passed away. I have seen flowers and candles. I recently saw where someone had pictures of the family members in a chair during the ceremony. I really like that idea. But my FMIL thinks it will make people sad. So she suggested playing a song during the reception. And I understand where she is coming from about it making people sad. Especially since 2 of the people have recently passed... her sister and her brother in law from a different sister. But I would like to have a picture of my grandparents up there... does anyone have any other suggestions on what we could do?

To me playing a song during the reception would be worse than a picture. Having to sit there and listen to a 34 minute song about missing someone. She says use an upbeat song. But I don't know of an upbeat song that shows we are trying to honor people who have passed away. So I'm thinking I'll have my grandparents picture up there and I will get a candle to have for their family members. And we will put it in the program.

AllisaurusRex · July 2012

I like the picture or rose left on an empty seat idea, but I feel that is more appropriate for parents of the bride/groom, MAYBE grandparents if they were especially close. For other family members I've heard of lighting candles as part of the ceremony, having a table set up with pictures of all the deceased, or a segment in the program. Another idea I saw recently and loved: the couple had a cylinder vase etched with a poem, something like "For those gone in presence but here in essence" and then surrounding that were votive candles, each with the name of a loved one who has passed away on it. This could be easily replicated by printing everything onto vellum paper and wrapping it around the vase and candles.

maribeth721 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_honoring-loved-ones-that-have-passed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:2b9a41f1-4d8e-4c82-9560-f98df4d49c6fPost:2d7768a6-ad5a-4131-bf56-9b0b66cc1374">Re: honoring loved ones that have passed??</a>:
[QUOTE]I<strong> like the picture or rose left on an empty seat idea, but I feel that is more appropriate for parents of the bride/groom, MAYBE grandparents if they were especially close.</strong> For other family members I've heard of lighting candles as part of the ceremony, having a table set up with pictures of all the deceased, or a segment in the program. Another idea I saw recently and loved: the couple had a cylinder vase etched with a poem, something like "For those gone in presence but here in essence" and then surrounding that were votive candles, each with the name of a loved one who has passed away on it. This could be easily replicated by printing everything onto vellum paper and wrapping it around the vase and candles.
Posted by AllisaurusRex[/QUOTE]

My Mom passed away when I was in highschool. Someone suggested this to me and I found it horribly morbid. If I looked over and saw an empty chair with a flower or a picture of my Mom there I would burst into tears. That is not what my wedding is about. I think it would make my guests uncomfortable too. I have a memorial candle and a memorial bouquet for my guest table. I'm also wrapping my bouquet in a piece of my mom's wedding dress. If you are having programs you could always write a little something in there as well.

GoodLuckBear14 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_honoring-loved-ones-that-have-passed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:2b9a41f1-4d8e-4c82-9560-f98df4d49c6fPost:9a285e7a-d9c3-4dc3-ae3e-2e61547367e3">honoring loved ones that have passed??</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm trying to figure out a way to honor our loved ones that have passed away. I have seen flowers and candles. I recently saw where someone had pictures of the family members in a chair during the ceremony. I really like that idea. But my FMIL thinks it will make people sad. So she suggested playing a song during the reception. And I understand where she is coming from about it making people sad. Especially since 2 of the people have recently passed... her sister and her brother in law from a different sister. But I would like to have a picture of my grandparents up there... does anyone have any other suggestions on what we could do?
Posted by Ceciliaaw[/QUOTE]

Your FMIL is right. This is one wedding trend I would like to see go away as quickly as possible. We have a widow on these boards who will tell you that no matter how much time has passed, it still hurts to be reminded that you are at a wedding and your spouse is not with you. You have to be consider not only your immediate family, but everyone who will be there.

FLsweetpea1979 · August 2012

I am attaching a small frame with a picture of my father who passed away to my bouquet. We will also mention the family members who have passed in the program and will have small candles on the altar for them. My FI and I will be the lighting the candle in memory of my father right before the ceremony. We made the decision about how to handle this with each other and with our parents so that everyone would feel ok with the way it is handled.

lostmykeys · August 2012

My Mother...my daughter's grandmother...passed away in 1995. She meant a lot to my daughter and meant a lot to me. We had a picture of her off to the side of the altar and many people commented on how meaningful it was to have that remembrance of her there. My daughter also carried a pin that belonged to her.

Lisa50 · August 2012

I agree with your FMIL, any of these outward displays has the potential to make people sad. I don't think you should feel obligated to include these memorials in your wedding. I understand it has become a growing trend, but that doesn't mean it is right for your family.

And honestly, most people will likely not say anything to you about the bad feelings. I think your FMIL has given you a gift by letting you know the potential impact up front.

I am sorry for losses and wish you all the best as you go through this decision-making process. Good luck.

Peledreamsofrain · August 2012

I think it's a wonderful thing you're doing, thinking of ways of honoring those who have passed.

I personally lost my Grandfather, who was very special to me in my childhood (I had some rough times, and he was a very steady presence that I clung to). My Grandfather used to take me walking in the woods to point out various plants and animals and teach me what he knew of nature. He especially always took the time to pick up what he called "silver dollar" plants, and give me the seed pods. He told me they were his favorite. I still have some that he gave me before he died.

As a rememberence of him, I will be weaving silk silver dollar plants into grapevine wreathes to sit around candle centerpeices at the reception. The people who knew him will recognize the symbolism immediately. The people who didn't will think that I picked a pretty plant that matches my wedding colors, and not have their mood brought down.

He'll be at every table, a part of every conversation, and I'll be able to see him everywhere I look.

No empty spots to be sad for, and no vaguely funerary floral arrangements.

I'm sure you'll think of something that has meaning to you and reminds you of your loved one. There's so many options, and it's all worth doing.

FLsweetpea1979 · August 2012

Yikes. I'm sorry, but I am getting so tired of the judgmental and harsh comments that always accompany this topic ( and have heard many people on other boards say the same). This is such a sensitive topic and the emotions surrounding it are unique to each person. To come on here and try to tell someone what they must do or must not do is so wrong and can be harmful. Give your ideas or share past experiences, but do it respectfully and gently (as many of you have done here)...no need to attack anyone or hijack a thread with your constant arguments.
If you have lost someone in your immediate family (and I have lost 2, and in addition I am a mental health counselor), then you know that everyone grieves differently and has different reactions. I have been to several weddings where a variety of memorials were done and no one ever burst into tears or ran out of the site. I do agree that close family members could be consulted, but at the same time, what you and your loved ones eventually agree upon is up to you.
And I will respectfully disagree with the statement that you can't include a deceased loved one. That may be your belief, and you are certainly welcome to it, but I have every intention of including my father and my grandmother who passed a few weeks ago...and that is intricately tied up in my beliefs and values. They will be with me in many different ways when I get married in a week and a half, and they will be very included to me and my family.

thedutys · August 2012

My grandmother passed 8 years ago and for my wedding next month i am having a single rose in a vase standing on my sand ceremony table. only my immediate family and fiance know i am doing this. It is my special way of knowing my grandma is there.

ashhernandez · August 2012

My dad passed away in 2007. Even though he won't be with me, he certainly will be very much apart of my wedding. Instea of having the ringbearer carry a pillow down the aisle, we are tying a ribbong around Dad's bible and having him carry that. I'm also putting two small frames on bouquet that has pictures of us.

Three of my fiance's grandparents have recently passed away as well. We are going to have a memorial candle that simply states, "In Loving Memory of Those Who Are Forever Present In Our Hearts."

We're not making a big deal of it. It will be noticeable that there is an absence and there doesn't need to be anymore of a reminder to bring us down.

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