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My mom won't listen. vent.

Love is BaldLove is Bald
Combo Breaker First Comment
in Moms and Maids
My mom is in Dallas and I am here in Chicago.  I am empathetic to the fact that I am her only daughter and she cannot be here to physically wedding plan with me and meet with vendors and such.

However.  I have been trying to include her on everything -- telling her about conversations I have with vendors, pricing, details of places, etc. etc.  I want her to feel totally include.

But. SHE IS DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!  She doesn't seem to understand the concept of the cost of things now vs. the cost of when she got married over 30 years ago to my dad!!  She feels that the pricing from photographers ive gotten is outrageous, when in fact, they are comparable to our market area.  She also seems to think that I need to try the food at every venue that I visit before I book a place -- all of which (according to other knotties as well) that people don't normally do that, at least in the Chicagoland area.

I am a researcher by nature, so I would hope that she would trust in what I say and that since I am paying for 52% of the wedding (her paying 24% and FI parents paying 24%) that she realize I am sticking to my budget and trust that I have a sense for what I am doing.

I am not saying I know EVERYTHING about weddings.. because this is my first and only wedding and I clearly don't know everything.  But I research, and read and read and read and compare... and she knows that I've been doing this.. but she still insists that I know nothing and that everything I am doing is overpriced. 

Its driving me batty.  I've held my tongue up until now, but i'm ready to explode.

Please, any MOB's out there... either give me a reality check that i'm being ridiculous or give me a way to not explode on my mom.

ETA:  She feels my photographer choices are too expensive and she "just googled photographers in chicago and found one for $X amount of dollars -- see you just aren't looking hard enough!"   OMG seriously?
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Re: My mom won't listen. vent.

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    slaarwalhzslaarwalhz member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    WOW My aunt told me the ONLY thing she regrets about her whole wedding was "THE Discount photographer" her father hired whom worked with him, and that was his hobby 'Photography'.  So her pictures were terrible and he had no idea what he was doing. If you want quality you have to pay for it. If the photographers price is comparable to others in your area, then hold your ground becuase YOU ARE RIGHT. And tell her its too bad you like the one you got and your sticking with it. And if she still insists its too expensive then tell her "Well do you want trashy photos that you will regret having for the REST of your life, or do you want beautiful photos to share and show to everyone you know?" I personally think Photography is in the top 5 most important things in a wedding.  I can understand where your coming from. My mom too is really getting on my nerves she makes me feel like im rushed. I have one month till my wedding. The only things left (besides my dads fitting tomorrow for his 'tux' were not having jackets or vests and he hasnt owned fancy clothes in his life <3) Is centerpieces, name cards, table cards, labels for the favors, and put together the two different favors. (I am a graphic designer so all the cards and labels are done myself. very easy!) And I am going to work on it just not EVERY MINUTE of every day. I am waiting for my aunts who are coming to town in two weeks and staying with us till after my wedding. Then helping throw my own bridal shower and bachelor party. Good Luck to you
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Heck, I wish I had even that out of my Mom. She has been non exsistent during the whole planning process and I know the distance thing is hard, but it is feasable, we are doing it right now too.

    I do think it is hard for moms to understand prices today vs when they got married 30+ years ago, but hopefully things will change and she will be more of a help than a nuisance to you, esp. since you have over a year to go. There could be a lot of emotions going through her right now as well, her baby girl getting married and all grown up, etc. So I would just relax and give it time to settle down and then approach her again about what is next on your to-do list. Good luck.
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    gailpetegailpete member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Tyr to calm down, you still have a long way to go.

    Has she agreed to pay 24% of whatever it costs, or said I'll give you $x to use for the wedding?  If it is a percentage of the total cost, she may be concerned that her share could end up being more than she can afford.  Maybe she would be more comfortable with giving you a set amount, or paying specifically for certain items (Just don't let her pick photography Wink).

    Have you developed a budget and shared it with her so she can see where the money is going?  If not, you should do so, perhaps using the Knots budgeter or www.costofwedding.com. If she can see that the vendors you are looking at are within your budgeted amount, it should help her feel more comfortable with your choices.

    Good luck.
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    Love is BaldLove is Bald
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    sorry, I shoud have been more clear about that -- she is giving me X amount of dollars to "do whatever I want with"...
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    gailpetegailpete member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Ok, I still think, if you haven't already, you should show her you have a budget and know what you can afford in each category and you are staying within those amounts.  Maybe that will help her lighten up.  She may just think she is helping, but you need to gently explain that her constant questioning of your plans makes you feel that she doesn't trust your judgement. 

    We moms sometimes hate to admit that our little girls are grown up and can do these  things without our constant supervision and input. LOL
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    MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    MOB, here. I can feel your mom's pain. The prices are outrageous, aren't they? But we thought the same thing 30 years ago. It's just something to kvetch about : ) Like the weather. Don't take it too seriously.

    Here's a fun thing for mom to do. Email her the menus with costs of all the venues your are considering. That way she can see, that you are not being unnecessarily  extravagant. Assure her that you are staying within your budget, without going into details, and you are grateful for her contribution. If you know that particular aspects, like the cost of the photographer, flowers, limos  are stressing her out, leave that out of the conversation. Tell her you got a great deal and leave it at that.

    I think everyone gets that food tasting idea from those TV wedding shows, where the caterers put out their best in exchange for a moment on a TV show.lRL,the venues allow a food tasting after you put down a deposit or at vendor fairs.

    Tell your mom about The Knot.














                       
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    tommyandytommyandy member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    If you don't have your dress yet, fly down for a 3 day week-end & go try on dresses with her.  She'll get to participate in one of the big mom-daughter events.  Pre-shop with a friend at home to get a good idea of what style of dress works best for you & the wedding you have in mind.  Then when you go with mom, you can steer towards that style.  Try on at least 2 dresses that she picks out to make her happy.  HTH

    p.s.  on the emailed menu ideas, if the venue allows for 5 apps, ask her to pick 2 or 3.  Or... send menus & make fun of them.  For example: $6.00 per shrimp?  Do they sing & dance?  
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