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Need advice please :(

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Re: Need advice please :(

  • In Response to Re: Need advice please :(:
    In Response to Re: Need advice please :( : Because my point of view is from a vastly different place than many other people's here - I cheated on him, he looked for a revenge affair but never actually went through with it. We got down that road by doing what many people consider 'normal' behaviors - girls nights out, opposite sex friends, spending our luxury time apart. We really didn't have 'trust issues' - I had boundary issues, he was (rightfully) uncomfortable with my behavior, and my friends labeled him 'jealous' or 'controlling' all things I see being thrown around here. I think she doesn't have trust issues - he's got boundary issues, is doing things to make her uncomfortable, and instead of facing that and dealing with it, she's being told that she's just 'being controlling'.
    Posted by StefffiC
    Well good for you that locking yourselves in your house 24/7 so you dont cheat on each other works for you.  But thats not normal.  Sorry.
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  • Dude. Seriously. you spelled 'Steffi" wrong.
  • In Response to Re: Need advice please :(:
    In Response to Re: Need advice please :( : Because my point of view is from a vastly different place than many other people's here - I cheated on him, he looked for a revenge affair but never actually went through with it. We got down that road by doing what many people consider 'normal' behaviors - girls nights out, opposite sex friends, spending our luxury time apart. We really didn't have 'trust issues' - I had boundary issues, he was (rightfully) uncomfortable with my behavior, and my friends labeled him 'jealous' or 'controlling' all things I see being thrown around here. I think she doesn't have trust issues - he's got boundary issues, is doing things to make her uncomfortable, and instead of facing that and dealing with it, she's being told that she's just 'being controlling'.
    Posted by StefffiC
    Well, I think if you go to the point of cheating while spending a healthy amount of time away from each other, there are some issues in your relationship.

    But I'm probably biased, because I think relationships where people never spend any time apart or with their separate friends seem awfully unhealthy to me.  However, I recognize this is my personal bias.

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    Everything the light touches is my kingdom.
  • In Response to Re: Need advice please :(:
    In Response to Re: Need advice please :( : Well good for you that locking yourselves in your house 24/7 so you dont cheat on each other works for you.  But thats not normal.  Sorry.
    Posted by Blueyed228
    Who says we lock ourselves in the house 24/7?

    We actually spend 4 nghts a week apart due to his job. I work crazy long hours. We share hobbies, we do things together. I spend time with my girl friends when he's out of town, we have couples friends, he has some guy friends. We are each other's best friends and spend time together whenever possible. Sometimes I go on the road with him and we live in a hotel room for a few weeks, it's wonderful.

    image
  • In Response to Re: Need advice please :(:
    In Response to Re: Need advice please :( : If they had multiple conversations and both agreed that X and Y were not acceptable, I don't think it's fair to say she gave him a set of rules. If he had been on his way out the door and she screamed " no booze, pot or dancing. loveyoubye." i'd feel differently.
    Posted by ILoveMilkDuds
    I guess its a UO then.  I would not take kindly to my H telling me how to behave and I would never mother him and tell him how to behave.  Everyone is an adult here and stuff like "dont bang someone" should be a given.  Even the thought of a sit down (or multiple ones) to go over what is "acceptable" is obnoxious to me.  Im 33 years old.  I dont need to be told how to behave.

    If you H getting drunk or smoking a joint or dancing with a girl upsets you to the point where you cant trust him anymore, then you have issues. 
    045_45-1 photo 045_45-1.jpg
    BabyFruit Ticker
    DX: PCOS/Recurrent losses/MTHFR mutation (compound hetero)
    5 hysteroscopies/2 surgical
    3 Inject IUIs = 2 m/c's and 1 BFN
    IVF #1= BFP. m/c at 7w6d. Needed 2 D&C's and scar tissue removal. Mild OHSS
    IVF #2 = BFP. Severe OHSS. 4 Drainings. TWINS!
  • In Response to Re: Need advice please :(:
    In Response to Re: Need advice please :( : Because my point of view is from a vastly different place than many other people's here - I cheated on him, he looked for a revenge affair but never actually went through with it. We got down that road by doing what many people consider 'normal' behaviors - girls nights out, opposite sex friends, spending our luxury time apart. We really didn't have 'trust issues' - I had boundary issues, he was (rightfully) uncomfortable with my behavior, and my friends labeled him 'jealous' or 'controlling' all things I see being thrown around here. I think she doesn't have trust issues - he's got boundary issues, is doing things to make her uncomfortable, and instead of facing that and dealing with it, she's being told that she's just 'being controlling'.
    Posted by StefffiC
    I think if you went down the cheating road because you had girls nights, friends of the opposite sex, and spent some time apart than not doing those things I just putting a bandaid over something else. Just my opinion though.
    image BabyFruit Ticker
  • But I also wonder if he half heartedly agreed to not so those things for your sake op. Or if they were actually important to him, kwim? I get why you are upset, I find taking a couple days to cool off helps me think a lot more rationally. Also, I absolutely think of b parties as doing things you normally wouldn't. It is a special occasion. I don't mean cheating of course but celebrating more than usual, yes.
    image
  • In Response to Re: Need advice please :(:
    In Response to Re: Need advice please :( : Who says we lock ourselves in the house 24/7? We actually spend 4 nghts a week apart due to his job. I work crazy long hours. We share hobbies, we do things together. I spend time with my girl friends when he's out of town, we have couples friends, he has some guy friends. We are each other's best friends and spend time together whenever possible. Sometimes I go on the road with him and we live in a hotel room for a few weeks, it's wonderful.
    Posted by StefffiC
    Ok, sorry dude, but your other post was incredibly misleading.  You absolutely made it sound like you guys did nothing but sit on your couch and stare into each others' eyes.

    image
    Everything the light touches is my kingdom.
  • Declining an illegal drug is rude? No wonder DARE went under, they were teaching kids all wrong. 
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  • In Response to Re: Need advice please :(:
    In Response to Re: Need advice please :( : Well, I think if you go to the point of cheating while spending a healthy amount of time away from each other, there are some issues in your relationship. But I'm probably biased, because I think relationships where people never spend any time apart or with their separate friends seem awfully unhealthy to me.  However, I recognize this is my personal bias.
    Posted by J&K10910
    It is a personal bias, but it works for us. I spend time with him because I am madly in love with him and enjoy every minute we share, whatever we're doing.


    image
  • In Response to Re: Need advice please :(:
    I didn't see it as her laying out rules.  I read it as they talked about it together, for BOTH of their parties, and that's what they decided on. And I also think, regardless of how anyone else would feel in the situation, regardless of if you (general you now) think OP is being ridiculous, she was obviously bothered by it, and now she has to figure out if she can get over it or not. Nebb, I wouldn't just take a joint offered to me.  I don't give a damn if it's good manners or not, and I think it's silly to suggest it would be rude of me to decline a drug.
    Posted by J&K10910
    All of this.

    I'm not saying that smoking a joint is some kind of universally wrong thing, but I don't like it and it would be COMPLETELY out of character for FI now (even though he smoked as a teen).  And grinding on girls in a club would be completely out of character as well.  If FI came home and said he did that, I'd be like Who the eff are you and where is my fiance?  Drunk or not... it doesn't matter.  Getting drunk doesn't make you do things that are not already in your potential. 

    Also, to me, grinding =/= dancing.  Maybe I'm not understanding what this guy did, but to me, you can dance with girls without dry humping them on the dance floor, although I do understand for some people this may be their understanding of "dancing". 

    Nothing is necessarily a "deal breaker" for me, but I might consider counseling over this, and I do see it as a trust issue.



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  • In Response to Re: Need advice please :(:
    In Response to Re: Need advice please :( : Who says we lock ourselves in the house 24/7? We actually spend 4 nghts a week apart due to his job. I work crazy long hours. We share hobbies, we do things together. I spend time with my girl friends when he's out of town, we have couples friends, he has some guy friends. We are each other's best friends and spend time together whenever possible. Sometimes I go on the road with him and we live in a hotel room for a few weeks, it's wonderful.
    Posted by StefffiC
    You did when you say you dont go out with friends and never go anywhere without each other.  That sounds so healthy.
    045_45-1 photo 045_45-1.jpg
    BabyFruit Ticker
    DX: PCOS/Recurrent losses/MTHFR mutation (compound hetero)
    5 hysteroscopies/2 surgical
    3 Inject IUIs = 2 m/c's and 1 BFN
    IVF #1= BFP. m/c at 7w6d. Needed 2 D&C's and scar tissue removal. Mild OHSS
    IVF #2 = BFP. Severe OHSS. 4 Drainings. TWINS!
  • In Response to Re: Need advice please :(:
    In Response to Re: Need advice please :( : It is a personal bias, but it works for us. I spend time with him because I am madly in love with him and enjoy every minute we share, whatever we're doing.
    Posted by StefffiC
    Sheet. Guess H and I aren't madly in love since we can spend time apart.
  • In Response to Re: Need advice please :(:
    In Response to Re: Need advice please :( : All of this. I'm not saying that smoking a joint is some kind of universally wrong thing, but I don't like it and it would be COMPLETELY out of character for FI now (even though he smoked as a teen).  And grinding on girls in a club would be completely out of character as well.  If FI came home and said he did that, I'd be like Who the eff are you and where is my fiance?  Drunk or not... it doesn't matter.  Getting drunk doesn't make you do things that are not already in your potential.  Also, to me, grinding =/= dancing.  Maybe I'm not understanding what this guy did, but to me, you can dance with girls without dry humping them on the dance floor, although I do understand for some people this may be their understanding of "dancing".  Nothing is necessarily a "deal breaker" for me, but I might consider counseling over this, and I do see it as a trust issue.
    Posted by monkeysip
    This is very similar to how I feel.  The things he did that night are very out of character from the fiance I have known for years.  It makes me question him.  I do think we will try counseling. 
  • In Response to Re: Need advice please :(:
    In Response to Re: Need advice please :( : This is very similar to how I feel.  The things he did that night are very out of character from the fiance I have known for years.  It makes me question him.  I do think we will try counseling. 
    Posted by regwithaq
    Did you say in previous posts that he used to smoke weed before he met you?
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    BabyFruit Ticker
    DX: PCOS/Recurrent losses/MTHFR mutation (compound hetero)
    5 hysteroscopies/2 surgical
    3 Inject IUIs = 2 m/c's and 1 BFN
    IVF #1= BFP. m/c at 7w6d. Needed 2 D&C's and scar tissue removal. Mild OHSS
    IVF #2 = BFP. Severe OHSS. 4 Drainings. TWINS!
  • In Response to Re: Need advice please :(:
    In Response to Re: Need advice please :( : Did you say in previous posts that he used to smoke weed before he met you?
    Posted by Blueyed228
    Meh, there are things my H used to do that would seriously surprise me if I found out he was doing now. 

    I mean, none of this stuff would have upset me, but I can see why OP is upset.  I see where she is coming from.

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    Everything the light touches is my kingdom.
  • NebbNebb
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
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    In Response to Re: Need advice please :(:
    In Response to Re: Need advice please :( : This is very similar to how I feel.  The things he did that night are very out of character from the fiance I have known for years.  It makes me question him.  I do think we will try counseling. 
    Posted by regwithaq
    Can I ask how old you guys are? Is it possible he just changed his mind and wanted to experiment a little?
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  • In Response to Re: Need advice please :(:
    In Response to Re: Need advice please :( : Meh, there are things my H used to do that would seriously surprise me if I found out he was doing now.  I mean, none of this stuff would have upset me, but I can see why OP is upset.  I see where she is coming from.
    Posted by J&K10910
    I would love to be a fly on the wall for the "I think we need to see a therapist because you smoked a joint" sit down.
    045_45-1 photo 045_45-1.jpg
    BabyFruit Ticker
    DX: PCOS/Recurrent losses/MTHFR mutation (compound hetero)
    5 hysteroscopies/2 surgical
    3 Inject IUIs = 2 m/c's and 1 BFN
    IVF #1= BFP. m/c at 7w6d. Needed 2 D&C's and scar tissue removal. Mild OHSS
    IVF #2 = BFP. Severe OHSS. 4 Drainings. TWINS!
  • In Response to Re: Need advice please :(:
    In Response to Re: Need advice please :( : I would love to be a fly on the wall for the "I think we need to see a therapist because you smoked a joint" sit down.
    Posted by Blueyed228
    Ha, well certainly if that's how she words it ;)

    But to me, it has little to do with the joint (or the "grinding"), and everything to do with him going against what they agreed on.  And I can get behind that. 

    image
    Everything the light touches is my kingdom.
  • He smoked weed for a little while in college before we met.  He has always claimed to have no interest in smoking again, even while partying.  Again, I don't think smoking weed is a horrible thing but it was something really out of character (for the man he is now).  We are both in our upper twenties. 
  • In Response to Re: Need advice please :(:
    In Response to Re: Need advice please :( : Ha, well certainly if that's how she words it ;) But to me, it has little to do with the joint (or the "grinding"), and everything to do with him going against what they agreed on.  And I can get behind that. 
    Posted by J&K10910
    H's bach party was like a scene out of the Hangover.  I can imagine his face if i was all "I think we need to go talk to someone about this." 

    He would probably tell me to go pound sand.
    045_45-1 photo 045_45-1.jpg
    BabyFruit Ticker
    DX: PCOS/Recurrent losses/MTHFR mutation (compound hetero)
    5 hysteroscopies/2 surgical
    3 Inject IUIs = 2 m/c's and 1 BFN
    IVF #1= BFP. m/c at 7w6d. Needed 2 D&C's and scar tissue removal. Mild OHSS
    IVF #2 = BFP. Severe OHSS. 4 Drainings. TWINS!
  • And I don't judge that.  That works for you guys, and that's awesome.  It works for us too, and I like it that way.  But it doesn't work for everyone (which is unfortunate, because it's a great way to live, IMO).

    image
    Everything the light touches is my kingdom.
  • In Response to Re: Need advice please :(:
    And I don't judge that.  That works for you guys, and that's awesome.  It works for us too, and I like it that way.  But it doesn't work for everyone (which is unfortunate, because it's a great way to live, IMO).
    Posted by J&K10910
    I guess, and i said before its an UO, but anything other than that is just insecurity to me, not a relationship problem.
    045_45-1 photo 045_45-1.jpg
    BabyFruit Ticker
    DX: PCOS/Recurrent losses/MTHFR mutation (compound hetero)
    5 hysteroscopies/2 surgical
    3 Inject IUIs = 2 m/c's and 1 BFN
    IVF #1= BFP. m/c at 7w6d. Needed 2 D&C's and scar tissue removal. Mild OHSS
    IVF #2 = BFP. Severe OHSS. 4 Drainings. TWINS!
  • That's all well and good Blue, but imagine you two had discussed beforehand that a certain thing made you both uncomfortable and he went out and did it anyway.  Even something non bachelor related.  Wouldn't you be pissed if you agreed on something and then he broke your trust?  That's what OP is upset about.  I think she would be more okay with all of this if they hadn't discussed from the beginning that neither of them was okay with the behavior.
  • In Response to Re: Need advice please :(:
    That's all well and good Blue, but imagine you two had discussed beforehand that a certain thing made you both uncomfortable and he went out and did it anyway.  Even something non bachelor related.  Wouldn't you be pissed if you agreed on something and then he broke your trust?  That's what OP is upset about.  I think she would be more okay with all of this if they hadn't discussed from the beginning that neither of them was okay with the behavior.
    Posted by chelseamb11
    I cant imagine that because its stupid.  It would be incredible exhausting to live life like that where you had to fvcking dissect and discuss every single time you went out without each other.
    045_45-1 photo 045_45-1.jpg
    BabyFruit Ticker
    DX: PCOS/Recurrent losses/MTHFR mutation (compound hetero)
    5 hysteroscopies/2 surgical
    3 Inject IUIs = 2 m/c's and 1 BFN
    IVF #1= BFP. m/c at 7w6d. Needed 2 D&C's and scar tissue removal. Mild OHSS
    IVF #2 = BFP. Severe OHSS. 4 Drainings. TWINS!
  • NebbNebb
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
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    In Response to Re: Need advice please :(:
    In Response to Re: Need advice please :( : I cant imagine that because its stupid.  It would be incredible exhausting to live life like that where you had to fvcking dissect and discuss every single time you went out without each other.
    Posted by Blueyed228
    you either trust eachother or you dont. You shouldnt NEED to have discussions about stuff like that. Setting rules is just lame.
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  • In Response to Re: Need advice please :(:
    In Response to Re: Need advice please :( : you either trust eachother or you dont. You shouldnt NEED to have discussions about stuff like that. Setting rules is just lame.
    Posted by Nebb
    Exactly.  If you have to talk about it, you dont trust that he knows how to behave.
    045_45-1 photo 045_45-1.jpg
    BabyFruit Ticker
    DX: PCOS/Recurrent losses/MTHFR mutation (compound hetero)
    5 hysteroscopies/2 surgical
    3 Inject IUIs = 2 m/c's and 1 BFN
    IVF #1= BFP. m/c at 7w6d. Needed 2 D&C's and scar tissue removal. Mild OHSS
    IVF #2 = BFP. Severe OHSS. 4 Drainings. TWINS!
  • I wouldn't have a specific sit-down discussion with FI about these kinds of things because we already see eye to eye on what is acceptable.

    So I understand what Blue and others are saying about it being weird to have a specific conversation before one or the other goes out.

    At the same time, however, I don't see it as an insecurity/trust issue.  I trust FI completely.  I don't feel the need to have these conversations with him.  But if he were to come home and tell me something like that, I would be very upset because it would be in violation of values we both share. 

    And the counseling this is not because someone needs counseling to get over smoking a joint.  But to me, if FI smoked a joint or grinded on some girl, it would tell me that he was having some kind of change of beliefs or personality, or something was up with him.  It would be the same if I found out he stole $10 or punched somebody.  In the grand scheme of things, it's not a catastrophic event, but it would just make me think that maybe something else was going on inside that led to the change in behavior. 

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  • Wow, I've read all the responses and am suprised that no one else has mentioned that he didn't tell you about dancing with the girls until a day after the weed.  That makes me think that in another day it's going to be another admittance! ...or something more serious.

    I wouldn't leave him... but I'd definitely make him think I was thinking about it so that he understood the severity.  That may be mean, but that's me ;D  Skulk around, glare at him, refuse sex and when he's adequately apologized get back to normal.  Let him know he hurt you and then move on. 

    And no, you don't get to do the same thing at your bachelorette party!  You get to be the better person!
  • In Response to Re: Need advice please :(:
    Wow, I've read all the responses and am suprised that no one else has mentioned that he didn't tell you about dancing with the girls until a day after the weed.  That makes me think that in another day it's going to be another admittance! ...or something more serious. I wouldn't leave him... but I'd definitely make him think I was thinking about it so that he understood the severity.  That may be mean, but that's me ;D  Skulk around, glare at him, refuse sex and when he's adequately apologized get back to normal.  Let him know he hurt you and then move on.  And no, you don't get to do the same thing at your bachelorette party!  You get to be the better person!
    Posted by Jinxed329
    Yes, because this is what mature adults do.Undecided
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