How to approach "B" Lists

Abbenator · August 2012

My fiance and I really want to pick a venue we love but that maxes out at 250 guests and our list is currently 270. We know that the general rule of thumb is that 10% of invitees won't attend, however, I feel like inviting 20 over the max could be a risk for us because of WHO these invitees are - people who will most likely come. Does anyone have any advice on how to handle mailing out "A" list invitations far enough in advance to allow time for enough of them to hopefully decline so that "B" list invitations (people only invited if enough A listers decline) can be sent out within the proper 6 weeks prior to the wedding?

melrosinko · August 2012

I wouldn't invite any number over the max. Too risky. We face a lot of hard decisions, but my husband and I skipped the B list, which mostly would have been your parents friends and co-workers. It is your day and you should only share it with the very most important people in your life.

HobokensFury · August 2012

Simple answer is there is no proper way to have B list.

banana468 · August 2012

You have two options: 1 Cut your list. 2 Change the venue.

Ali092011 · August 2012

I agree with PPs. There is no proper way to B-list anyone ever. The strategy is:

- Write down a list of the people you absolutely MUST have at your wedding, in your case also known as your 250 closest family members and friends.
- Write down a list of the 20 or so people whom it would be nice to be able to invite, but aren't absolutely the most important guests.
- Throw that second list in the trash.

Seriously. Your wedding will be lovely and fun, but I can still promise you this: People will be less offended that they couldn't be included than if they were invited second-string. And believe me, even if a B-list is artfully done, they will find out they were not high-priority.

Another thing to keep in mind is that your venue probably counts you, your groom, AND the vendors who stay throughout the reception (DJ, videographer, photographer) in your 250-person maximum. So you can actually send out only 245 invitations. A good rule of thumb is to plan the wedding as if every single person will RSVP yes.

Ali092011 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_how-to-approach-b-lists?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:2ae9478f-6d13-4998-824a-f3fd2c959053Post:95ba61a7-195e-42c3-b650-b869b25485a5">Re: How to approach "B" Lists</a>:
[QUOTE]I wouldn't invite any number over the max. Too risky. We face a lot of hard decisions, but my husband and I skipped the B list, which mostly would have been your parents friends and co-workers. <strong>It is your day and you should only share it with the very most important people in your life. </strong>
Posted by melrosinko[/QUOTE]

Also, this. I understand feeling the need to invite some people for diplomacy reasons (ie., I'm not particularly close with my aunt but I invited her to keep my dad happy). But why do you even want to invite 20 extra people you're not that close to just to take up space? It's your wedding--I feel like there should be some degree of intimacy to it.

cwaggoner07 · August 2012

People will definitely find out about a B list. My wedding coordinator told me that if they're not immediate family, or you haven't spoken with them within a year, they are expendable on the guest list.
I think you should just trim your list by 20.

QueerFemme · August 2012

I agree with everyone else. Don't have a "B" list. It is rude. And people KNOW when they get an invitation and it's close to the rsvp date that they didn't make the first cut. Just don't do it.

rsaleh84 · August 2012

We were in a similar situation, and FILs really wanted to invite the extras on the pretense of "most won't come" but it spelled disaster ,and both me and my FI put our feet down. It's a tough time economically for everyone right now, and people are at their most understanding in regards to these types of situations. It's best to not send out an invite than to disrespect or offend someone whom you truly care about.

cncoombs · August 2012

I have to do a B list too...and I found it in an etiquite book...you send the first batch out 10 to 12 weeks before the wedding and the second batch at 8 weeks. I agree it sucks to have to do one and it is awful but for those on a strict budget, it has to be done.

I am making my invitations so on the second batch I send out I am changing the response date so people don't know they got an invite from the second batch. It helps, though, that the people in the second batch don't live close or know really anyone else coming to the wedding so there isn't the worry about people saying "hey did you see their invitiation".

QueerFemme · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_how-to-approach-b-lists?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:2ae9478f-6d13-4998-824a-f3fd2c959053Post:d2a139cd-4e31-4420-becf-13203e2e1284">Re: How to approach "B" Lists</a>:
[QUOTE]I have to do a B list too...and I found it in an etiquite book...you send the first batch out 10 to 12 weeks before the wedding and the second batch at 8 weeks. I agree it sucks to have to do one and it is awful but for those on a strict budget, <strong>it has to be done</strong>. I am making my invitations so on the second batch I send out I am changing the response date so people don't know they got an invite from the second batch. It helps, though, that the people in the second batch don't live close or know really anyone else coming to the wedding so there isn't the worry about people saying "hey did you see their invitiation".
Posted by cncoombs[/QUOTE]

It actually doesn't HAVE to be done. You are making a conscious decision to be rude to your family and friends by "b" listing them. I don't know what etiquette book you found this in, but it doesn't really matter. B-listing is rude. Invite the closest people you can afford to properly host, and be done with it.

cncoombs · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_how-to-approach-b-lists?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:2ae9478f-6d13-4998-824a-f3fd2c959053Post:22117cbe-9541-44a6-b05d-450897c22403">How to approach "B" Lists</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance and I really want to pick a venue we love but that maxes out at 250 guests and our list is currently 270. We know that the general rule of thumb is that 10% of invitees won't attend, however, I feel like inviting 20 over the max could be a risk for us because of WHO these invitees are - people who will most likely come. Does anyone have any advice on how to handle mailing out "A" list invitations far enough in advance to allow time for enough of them to hopefully decline so that "B" list invitations (people only invited if enough A listers decline) can be sent out within the proper 6 weeks prior to the wedding?
Posted by Abbenator[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I wanted to respond directly to you in response to what some other people are saying...i already initially responded and I am doing a B list...the people who are on the B list are people like my FMIL's friends that she "has to have" at the wedding not really close friends. I am sure if you have people on your B list that are good friends and tell them you are on a tight budget and the venue will only allow for so much and if you have room you would love for them to come, they will understand. Good luck! I know first hand the guest list can be one of the most stressful parts on the wedding planning process!!!

</div>

QueerFemme · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_how-to-approach-b-lists?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:2ae9478f-6d13-4998-824a-f3fd2c959053Post:eb0c373c-77f7-4b43-8cd6-adf1f9f4f272">Re: How to approach "B" Lists</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to How to approach "B" Lists : I wanted to respond directly to you in response to what some other people are saying...i already initially responded and I am doing a B list...the people who are on the B list are people like my FMIL's friends that she "has to have" at the wedding not really close friends. I am sure if you have people on your B list that are good friends and tell them you are on a tight budget and the venue will only allow for so much and if you have room you would love for them to come, <strong>they will understand</strong>. Good luck! I know first hand the guest list can be one of the most stressful parts on the wedding planning process!!!
Posted by cncoombs[/QUOTE]

And again with the bad advice...

I'm sure they "will understand", because everyone does understand that wedding planning is stressful and everyone is on a budget. But, that won't make them feel any less shitty to realize that they were less important than the "A list" crowd.

People's feelings get hurt, whether they understand, or not. And, people WILL talk about it... they will say things like "oh, I guess I didn't make the first cut.. I wasn't important enough. I'm sure they just wanted the gift".

If you think people, even your friends and family, won't say stuff like this about your rude B-list plans, you are living in a fantasy world.

ootmother2 · September 2012

B lists are in very poor taste! If you didn't care that much to put that guest on your A list, they don't matter that much.

There is only one person on this board who has said that B lists are find in some cases :

"There were soo many people dying to attend DD's wedding that when we had a decline, we offered it to them"

yeah, straight from the heart,

bullsh!t

ootmother2 · September 2012

listen to cmiglipin! She's no dummy

JanoBean75 · September 2012

The actual point of a B list got twisted about years ago. They were never intended to be a list of people you'd invite if others say no.

Your A list is consisted of MUST HAVES. Your B list is people you'd like to invite if you have space. That's it. If you can move people to the A list, you do so before your invitations go out. Anyone left on it is not invited.

Look at your main list again and start cutting where you can.

cncoombs · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_how-to-approach-b-lists?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:2ae9478f-6d13-4998-824a-f3fd2c959053Post:693a130a-90b6-4e90-8f74-3a9fab669366">Re: How to approach "B" Lists</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to approach "B" Lists : And again with the bad advice... I'm sure they "will understand", because everyone does understand that wedding planning is stressful and everyone is on a budget. But, that won't make them feel any less shitty to realize that they were less important than the "A list" crowd. People's feelings get hurt, whether they understand, or not. And, people WILL talk about it... they will say things like "oh, I guess I didn't make the first cut.. I wasn't important enough. I'm sure they just wanted the gift". If you think people, even your friends and family, won't say stuff like this about your rude B-list plans, you are living in a fantasy world.
Posted by cmgilpin[/QUOTE]

<div>I dont think you are understanding the point of my post so please just stop being rude...</div>

kaos16 · September 2012

If your venue or budget allows for 250 people, you should invite 250 people. Who knows, everyone may RSVP yes. In the event that people RSVP no you will save money or have more room on your dance floor. . . . neither of those is a bad thing.

kaos16 · September 2012

Further, I for one don't find anything rude at all about what cmgilpin has said. . . . . . she is being honest yet respectful IMHO.

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