FMIL/FBIL drama

laurmd · November 2010

FI and I got engaged 5 months ago and ever since then, I've been planning the wedding. Close friends and family know when the wedding is, etc, and I've already booked venues. A few days ago, FI's brother found out he was going to be deployed one month prior to our wedding and he was going to be best man. He's apologized he won't be able to make it.

Over Thanksgiving, FMIL told us that we should change our wedding to accomodate him. I know we do have some wiggle room as our wedding is about 17 months away, but I'm a grad student and incredibly busy. She kept bugging FI and abour it alll day. I stood my ground and I told her that we're not going to move it. However, I told her that I wanted to honor him in some way and we even came up with the idea, however tacky, of having a cardboard cut-out of him standing with the rest of the GM.

Am I being too insensitive or "bridezilla-y" to not consider moving my wedding for him?

redheadedgeek · November 2010

I don't think you're being Bridezilla-ish but I am curious why you aren't interested in moving the date. What are your FI's feelings on this? What are your FBIL's feelings on this? If you wedding date is 17 months away there is definetley wiggle room. Being deployed isn't the same as someone not being able to make a wedding. If, god forbid, something happen to your FBIL, I think it would be nice if he had been able to stand with his brother.

redheadedgeek · November 2010

One more thing; by referring to this situation as "FMIL/FBIL Drama" well that does make you sound a little insensitive. Military service isn't drama, it's life. I don't think you are trying to be insensitive but I suspect you are not looking at the full picture.

nannewmur · November 2010

Weddings are usually very important family affairs. As a mom, to not have one of my kids there would be very difficult. Definitely talk to your FI.

Since you say you have wiggle room, check and see if venue, etc are available before talk.

Many people are sentimental and will look at pictures, have them around house, etc. Think of how you future MIL will feel when she looks at pix and doesn't see her son. When it is all said and done, you are marrying into his family and , if I were you, would not want this brought up every time the pictures are brought out or the "remember what happened at the wedding" stories are discussed.

djoann958 · November 2010

A cardboard cut-out instead of changing the date? Does your wedding date hold any special significance for you? I would understand if you have been planning your wedding for quite awhile and it was too late to change the date but no invitations were sent, etc. You could at least see if the vendors you have already booked are willing to change. If that is not possible, that is a different story. How would you feel if your sibling could not be at your wedding because they got deployed overseas? As I said on a previous post- these in-laws will be your family for a long time and you could at least try to make an effort. It is not like they asked you to change the date to accomodate their vacation or some other minor event. I wish your future BIL all the best and that he stays safe.

AutumnFair · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmilfbil-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:c70b88fd-b569-43d2-8644-8ff38a90ff9dPost:15b0e49b-3047-4453-a8ff-4f6a02e81639">FMIL/FBIL drama</a>:
[QUOTE]FI and I got engaged 5 months ago and ever since then, I've been planning the wedding. Close friends and family know when the wedding is, etc, and I've already booked venues. A few days ago, FI's brother found out he was going to be deployed one month prior to our wedding and he was going to be best man. He's apologized he won't be able to make it. Over Thanksgiving, FMIL told us that we should change our wedding to accomodate him. I know we do have some wiggle room as our wedding is about 17 months away, but I'm a grad student and incredibly busy. She kept bugging FI and abour it alll day. I stood my ground and I told her that we're not going to move it. However, I told her that I wanted to honor him in some way and we even came up with the idea, however tacky, of having a cardboard cut-out of him standing with the rest of the GM. Am I being too insensitive or "bridezilla-y" to not consider moving my wedding for him?
Posted by laurmd[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>If you have wiggle room then I would accommodated and move it up so he can be there. But this is more of your FI choice, if he wants his brother there than you need to respect it and move the date. My family is close and if my cousin (who is in the Army) was getting deployed a month before my wedding I would try everything I can to get stuff moved up. </div><div>
</div><div>But this is mainly your FI decision, not yours. If your FI wants him there, then try your best to move the wedding up. If your FI doesn't care and this is more about taking hits on certain deposits then have your FI tell his mom that you two would be taking a lot of financial hits if we move it up and you just can't afford it. Also deployments can be tricky and sometimes get moved around, it is really tough sometimes to plan something far out because there are times were orders change and dates get moved around. So I would say, only accommodated if you have the wiggle room or your FI wants him there. So definitely talk to your FI and ask him if he wants his brother there.</div><div>
</div>

AdeleDazeem · November 2010

I'm surprised that your first thought wasn't to look into changing the date. A month isn't too big a deal - it's not like you have to move it up six months.

I'm not sure what the concern is, but a wedding date will be special no matter what day it is and you'll remember the people there more than anything else. I wouldn't even consider getting married without my mom, dad, and sister present.

If it were closer to the date, then I could see a logistical nightmare of changing the date, but you have so much time! Why purposefully exclude the brother? He has no choice about deployment.

laurmd · November 2010

I definitely understand what everyone is saying. FI's family is more non-traditional when it comes to wedding. His oldest brother got married and only his wifes family was there. Therefore, FI isn't making a huge deal out of it, and neither is his brother.

I also worry about changing all of the dates and then having his deployment date change down the road like someone mentioned.

As a med student, I work 70 hr weeks and it can be very exhausting. It was hard enough just coordinating the vendors the first time around. The reason I want to get married in April is because I get that month off. Taking a few days off any other month would be almost impossible.

I am afraid of FMIL consequences down the road... thats the only reason I'm writing on here. Otherwise, I honestly don't htink that FI or FBIL care too much (and they have said that too)

Maria222 · November 2010

I really think you should rethink moving your date up for your BIL. If you don't your relationship with your inlaws will be compromised, at the very least. You don't plan a wedding knowing that the brother of the groom cannot be there on that date. He has no choice in this, and you do. And God forbid if something happened to him your marriage will also suffer. Just last week there was an article in our paper about a young couple that were married this summer before the groom was deployed and he was killed in action, a few weeks ago. And please if you do keep your date don't do the cut out, I think it would be very insulting to his family. I am not trying to be judgemental in any way, believe me I hate the way some people here insult brides with their answers but I, as a mother, I feel you need to really think this through.

MairePoppy · November 2010

If you can move the date up without losing deposits, then I vote for changing the date. How much difference is it going to make to you, since the wedding is so far away, anyway? And if his deployment date changes, you will know that you did your best to make sure he could attend.

AdeleDazeem · November 2010

That's fair - his deployment date can change in the future and changing it again is a logistical nightmare.

If his mother cares deeply about him being there, I'd take that into consideration.

I understand that grad school is time consuming (I just got my Ph.D. after six years of hard work), but family means compromise and weighing the pros and cons of all sides of the situation. If getting married without the brother and an angry mother in law isn't worth more than a few weeks of a horrible work schedule, then stick to your guns. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that, but perhaps she's making a big deal out of this one because she wasn't present at the wedding of her other son. Who knows?

Good luck!

NatandIsaac · November 2010

It would be very kind of you to consider moving the date to accommodate family, but deployment dates change, so I'm not sure that it is worth while.

Honoring your FBIL at the wedding would be wonderful, but maybe something a little more subtle than a cardboard cutout.

NOLAbridealmost · November 2010

I appear to be in the minority on this, but I think you're being reasonable in not moving the date. It's not like you're doing it maliciously. First and foremost, FI and the FBIL don't seem to care.

Second, you're in a rigorous program of study that is completely inflexible. You can't just ask to take your exams or boards or whatever else at a different time just because you're getting married. Switching a date by a month might be relatively easy in the business world with flexible vacation days, sick leave, the ability to push a particular project back or delegate a job to someone else etc. But it's just not like that in graduate school. You have a lot more at stake than losing a deposit or two. You could jeopardize your education and career--not to mention be completely stressed out on the wedding day.

Just don't do the cardboard cut out....that's way too creepy.

oceana919 · November 2010

1) It's really your FI's call, and if he wants his brother there, you should move the date. Period. I work two full time jobs, and have a full time lab/class schedule for my Ph.D. - if I was told that one of my immediate relatives was sick/being deployed and the date needed to be moved up, I would make it happen. Having family share in the celebration of your marriage is more important than having a pretty princess day, in my opinion.

2) There are much classier ways of honoring your FBIL than having a cardboard cutout. A cardboard cut out just seems, well, incredibly insensitive, especially towards your FMIL.

You could have something of significance stand in for him during the ceremony - a rose, a flag, one of his uniform hats, etc. You could have a framed picture of him at the reception with a basket of flag pins/ribbons for guests to take, if they so wish. You could include a prayer for his safe return in a blessing.

A mention in the program, perhaps?

"Our best man, (FBIL's name) is currently serving our country overseas. We know he is here in spirit, and he is in our hearts today, as he is every day. We thank him for his service, pray for his safe return, and look forward to celebrating our marriage with him in the future."

Having a cardboard cutout is appropo for, say, Twilight advertisements at FYE, or for you to stick your head in at the beach to take a picture, not a wedding.

mstroud23 · December 2010

DO NOT CHANGE YOUR DATE, unless you absolutely want to. Here's why. my fmil has breast cancer and insisted we move our wedding date for her. My FI begged me to move the date to make his mom happy. I agreed dispite the fact that my brother (why is an army ranger) would now be deployed for our wedding (whereas he wouldn't have been before we moved our date). I tried to be happy that everyone was getting along but the truth is-I wasn't happy. This is your wedding, not hers.
Additionally, deployement dates move all the time. My brother was suppsosed to be deployed in October and is now schedule for a hard date in January. So don't move your date. Perhaps your FI could ask someone to step in his brothers place if he is in fact deployed for your wedding.
Lastly, there are lots of ways you can honor your fbil's service. We are having a moment of silence during our ceremony (my brothers best friend died last month in Afghanistan) and at our reception there will the addressed postcards for everyone to say hello and write him a note. One of our cousins writes him jokes during every deployement and has been looking for good jokes for months now. We did the post cards at my older sisters wedding and our brother really loved it.
This is your day. But it's also your FI day. So before not moving the date make sure that is what you both want and if you want to honor his brother somehow-then do it.

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